Does it feel like escaping?
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Does it feel like escaping?
When you finally leave..... Did it feel like that?
It's here again. The funny thing is that I knew another one was around the corner. It's the little things you start to pick up on. The days leading up to it, the contemplation on their face. Something is off but you don't talk about it. You have these moments like sitting at the cafe roof top on a warm spring day where your anger has subsided a little bit because time has passed and he's done a good job at letting you forget for a moment, and everyone around you is sipping beer on their lunch hour and you catch the longing on his face recognizing that he is not normal like they are. Moments where you watch that dead look in his eyes that the demons are coming back. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but they are gearing up for another horror show and he knows it. He knows it no matter what he does to pretend they aren't there. The way he avoids talking about his program or the work he's supposedly doing when you ask how he is (not how his day is but how HE is. How IT is). The way that nothing...NO-UH-THING ....has changed since the last time that you can physically see is different which of course means the same results are coming too. You prepare. You know it's coming....it was never an "if" but a "when". You let your guard down a little bit as time passes, to wallow in a world where it doesn't exist. You pretend right along with him because bringing it up again would make him uncomfortable and maybe cause a rage episode you are too exhausted and perhaps even afraid to deal with because it might put him over. Or it might put YOU over.
And then the day comes....the day you were secretly and twistedly counting on so that THIS time you could leave with God's permission because you keep thinking you don't have it. Because this time it's really bad enough. The other times weren't you tell yourself. The cheating wasn't, the screaming wasn't, the destruction in your home wasn't, the sickness wasn't, the police visits weren't. You only have a short window to get your courage together and really do it this time. If you do it while he's gone you have a chance. You have a tangible reason that can't be faked. If you wait for him to come back to leave, you won't, because in your mind the guilt will eat you up and you will tell yourself he is back and never doing it again and that permission you feel you have now will be gone. He will cry and beg and give you every reason not to leave him. And you'll stay like you always do.
When you finally left....did it feel like an escape?
It's here again. The funny thing is that I knew another one was around the corner. It's the little things you start to pick up on. The days leading up to it, the contemplation on their face. Something is off but you don't talk about it. You have these moments like sitting at the cafe roof top on a warm spring day where your anger has subsided a little bit because time has passed and he's done a good job at letting you forget for a moment, and everyone around you is sipping beer on their lunch hour and you catch the longing on his face recognizing that he is not normal like they are. Moments where you watch that dead look in his eyes that the demons are coming back. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but they are gearing up for another horror show and he knows it. He knows it no matter what he does to pretend they aren't there. The way he avoids talking about his program or the work he's supposedly doing when you ask how he is (not how his day is but how HE is. How IT is). The way that nothing...NO-UH-THING ....has changed since the last time that you can physically see is different which of course means the same results are coming too. You prepare. You know it's coming....it was never an "if" but a "when". You let your guard down a little bit as time passes, to wallow in a world where it doesn't exist. You pretend right along with him because bringing it up again would make him uncomfortable and maybe cause a rage episode you are too exhausted and perhaps even afraid to deal with because it might put him over. Or it might put YOU over.
And then the day comes....the day you were secretly and twistedly counting on so that THIS time you could leave with God's permission because you keep thinking you don't have it. Because this time it's really bad enough. The other times weren't you tell yourself. The cheating wasn't, the screaming wasn't, the destruction in your home wasn't, the sickness wasn't, the police visits weren't. You only have a short window to get your courage together and really do it this time. If you do it while he's gone you have a chance. You have a tangible reason that can't be faked. If you wait for him to come back to leave, you won't, because in your mind the guilt will eat you up and you will tell yourself he is back and never doing it again and that permission you feel you have now will be gone. He will cry and beg and give you every reason not to leave him. And you'll stay like you always do.
When you finally left....did it feel like an escape?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Yep, it absolutely felt like escape, like freedom - but then came a whole boatload of anger at myself for not doing it sooner because I could have at any given point. And that coupled with thinking you miss them makes it easy to run right back too. But at some point, if we keep working on ourselves, and keep growing, we just won't go back - not for anything. You can do this Smarie.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
The very fact that you're framing the scenario this way tells you something, yes?
Look, you didn't ADOPT him. He's not an infant left on a church doorstep or a shelter puppy.
You haven't even taken vows and promised to stay with him in sickness and in health...that's his actual wife who did that.
Your prison is of your making.
Open that door and fly!
Look, you didn't ADOPT him. He's not an infant left on a church doorstep or a shelter puppy.
You haven't even taken vows and promised to stay with him in sickness and in health...that's his actual wife who did that.
Your prison is of your making.
Open that door and fly!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sometimes I wonder, Smarie, if that kind of thinking isn't what keeps you stuck. Like you're afraid you'll discover maybe ALL those other things WERE reason enough to leave, and you'll hate yourself for not doing it sooner. As long as you can keep telling yourself you just didn't time things exactly right, you don't have to face the fact that you could have ended this at any point during any one of these cycles.
How about if you simply absolve yourself in advance for not doing it sooner, recognizing that you could/should have, but forgiving yourself anyway? Seems to me your forgiveness for him is boundless--how about cutting yourself the same break?
How about if you simply absolve yourself in advance for not doing it sooner, recognizing that you could/should have, but forgiving yourself anyway? Seems to me your forgiveness for him is boundless--how about cutting yourself the same break?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Oh, and as for how it felt for ME, when *I* left, I felt sad that his condition forced me to leave someone I still cared about, but utterly relieved I wouldn't have to come home every day dreading what the evening would be like. Coming home for the weekend with the possibilities stretching before me, and none of them involving being forced to interact with a drunk.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
when you're ready, you are REA-DY and there is no turning back, no waffling, no thinking you only have the next ten minutes or the cell door locks again. you don't need permission, you don't another damn sign, you just put your head down and bolt. and be done with it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Smarie,
I needed to respond to this because that was exactly how I felt, and that is why I stayed as long as I did.
The way this scenario is set up is where a person is walking on eggshells, hypervigilant, just waiting till YOU do the next thing wrong that will set him off, then the waiting for when he comes back and says nice things and everything is OK again.
It's like saying that you can't leave when it is good, but you only have a small time frame when it is bad, and then it seems you still wait around for the apologies and another ride on that merry-go-round. This is what keeps us stuck the most.
Sometimes we just have to sit down with ourselves and say, yes, it was that bad, no, no one should be treating me like this, no, this is not what I want for the rest of my life. If you don't want this for the rest of your life, then why give him till the next round, then the next round, and the next round, etc....
When people on this forum are thinking about leaving, or calling it quits, I don't usually respond that much. The reason for that is that the folks here are way better at that then I am. My thought pattern was much like yours, and that didn't help me at all. I can empathize with all that you wrote above, but, the thing is, you had the opening paragraph, the middle paragraph, but no ending paragraph. There is no plan here for what you will do to protect yourself, so that you can finally have that amazing life that you deserve.
What I felt when I finally left after 25 years, was numbness. Total dead brain numb. I got in the car that morning, started driving, it was about an hour later that I had my first thought. I looked at where I was so I could figure out where I was actually driving to. It was to my friends house. I didn't have another thought till I got there. My friend answered the door when I got there, and she just said, I think you need some tea, do you? I just said, yes, I would love some tea, and a hug.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
I needed to respond to this because that was exactly how I felt, and that is why I stayed as long as I did.
The way this scenario is set up is where a person is walking on eggshells, hypervigilant, just waiting till YOU do the next thing wrong that will set him off, then the waiting for when he comes back and says nice things and everything is OK again.
It's like saying that you can't leave when it is good, but you only have a small time frame when it is bad, and then it seems you still wait around for the apologies and another ride on that merry-go-round. This is what keeps us stuck the most.
Sometimes we just have to sit down with ourselves and say, yes, it was that bad, no, no one should be treating me like this, no, this is not what I want for the rest of my life. If you don't want this for the rest of your life, then why give him till the next round, then the next round, and the next round, etc....
When people on this forum are thinking about leaving, or calling it quits, I don't usually respond that much. The reason for that is that the folks here are way better at that then I am. My thought pattern was much like yours, and that didn't help me at all. I can empathize with all that you wrote above, but, the thing is, you had the opening paragraph, the middle paragraph, but no ending paragraph. There is no plan here for what you will do to protect yourself, so that you can finally have that amazing life that you deserve.
What I felt when I finally left after 25 years, was numbness. Total dead brain numb. I got in the car that morning, started driving, it was about an hour later that I had my first thought. I looked at where I was so I could figure out where I was actually driving to. It was to my friends house. I didn't have another thought till I got there. My friend answered the door when I got there, and she just said, I think you need some tea, do you? I just said, yes, I would love some tea, and a hug.
(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz clicking my heels together 3 times and waking up back in a normal life and feeling so great full.
It's true, you know when you are ready to leave and go the distance to keep you gone! And anything short of that any doubt is just that rubber band effect.
It's true, you know when you are ready to leave and go the distance to keep you gone! And anything short of that any doubt is just that rubber band effect.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
When I left I felt like I'd crawled out from under a rock. Like a huge boulder was no longer on top of me, crushing me. No more fear of relapse. No more fear, period, of dealing with a drunk, seeing him stumble around, slurring incoherently.
No more giving in to disgusting, drunk sex because (1) I was afraid of him and (2) I had the hope he'd pass out.
Not true, Smarie. There is no window. You are making this up. You can leave anytime you want. I say this gently and with compassion.
No more giving in to disgusting, drunk sex because (1) I was afraid of him and (2) I had the hope he'd pass out.
You only have a short window to get your courage together and really do it this time.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
When I left, it did not feel like escape, but it did feel like freedom. I had felt trapped, yet I didn't feel like I was fleeing... just letting go. He hadn't been holding me prisoner... I was a willing hostage. He wasn't going to change, I had to.
It hurt, a lot, but it was worth it.
Good Luck.
It hurt, a lot, but it was worth it.
Good Luck.
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thank you for all your insights! - Amy - that is exactly it. I don't want to keep going round after round because nothing is changing, even when he comes back with the apologies. I take him back, but boy am I one angry woman inside when I do. Then he reads that as me being a bad girlfriend because I am not showing interest in him. But I'm not showing interest because I am still angry about the last episode. So even when he comes back, we are still dysfunctional. phew!
I agree in that I am a willing hostage. It sure is fascinating though how you can feel that weight despite the reality of it. Last night he sent me a text and this morning another one - both his usual when he is hitting the bottle. I usually reply with something, but didn't this time. My last reply to him was when I first suspected something this week, and it wasn't words....just two pictures of his boy. Now I am just letting it go and working on me. And making sure I am strong enough if and when he shows up again.
I agree in that I am a willing hostage. It sure is fascinating though how you can feel that weight despite the reality of it. Last night he sent me a text and this morning another one - both his usual when he is hitting the bottle. I usually reply with something, but didn't this time. My last reply to him was when I first suspected something this week, and it wasn't words....just two pictures of his boy. Now I am just letting it go and working on me. And making sure I am strong enough if and when he shows up again.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Originally Posted by Smarie78 
I don't want to keep going round after round because nothing is changing, even when he comes back with the apologies
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by Smarie78
My last reply to him was when I first suspected something this week, and it wasn't words....just two pictures of his boy.
I know you don't want to hear this but this is a perfect example of codie manipulation in my thinking. It's textbook passive aggressive communication & it has a real ICK factor to me.... you are using his son as a pawn against him in his own recovery, but you aren't that child's mother.
Why not just block his number instead of deciding what you will & won't engage in? That's YOU staying enmeshed, not him. JMHO, as always.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Hey Smarie, my answer is a bit different than the others' as far as how I felt when I left my qualifier. I felt like I was cutting my own heart out without anesthesia. It was indeed the right thing to do but it sure didn't feel good.
I left early as I could see what was coming so I was not around the addict behavior much. Once it started, I was gone within months and I lived in a different state so only a couple of visits after he got into the drugs and started the, "I will quit and never do it again." song and dance.
I left early as I could see what was coming so I was not around the addict behavior much. Once it started, I was gone within months and I lived in a different state so only a couple of visits after he got into the drugs and started the, "I will quit and never do it again." song and dance.
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Originally Posted by FireSprite
Ouch.
I know you don't want to hear this but this is a perfect example of codie manipulation in my thinking. It's textbook passive aggressive communication & it has a real ICK factor to me.... you are using his son as a pawn against him in his own recovery, but you aren't that child's mother.
Why not just block his number instead of deciding what you will & won't engage in? That's YOU staying enmeshed, not him. JMHO, as always.
I know you don't want to hear this but this is a perfect example of codie manipulation in my thinking. It's textbook passive aggressive communication & it has a real ICK factor to me.... you are using his son as a pawn against him in his own recovery, but you aren't that child's mother.
Why not just block his number instead of deciding what you will & won't engage in? That's YOU staying enmeshed, not him. JMHO, as always.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i wish you could "hear" yourself from outside......to be honest, you sound almost "excited" because you know that now that he is back in the DRINKING phase, next will come the crash and burn phase which includes crawling back to you in his most pathetic, abject state. and that, for some reason, is where you get your "hit". if you don't believe me, look back over your posts since 4-24....
you ARE waiting for him to show up on your doorstep.
you ARE teasing and toying with him by sending him photos of his own son. (why the hell do you have pics of his kid anyways???)
you can stop this any time. you don't need HIM to DO anything. but i don't think you want to stop yet......
you ARE waiting for him to show up on your doorstep.
you ARE teasing and toying with him by sending him photos of his own son. (why the hell do you have pics of his kid anyways???)
you can stop this any time. you don't need HIM to DO anything. but i don't think you want to stop yet......
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i wish you could "hear" yourself from outside......to be honest, you sound almost "excited" because you know that now that he is back in the DRINKING phase, next will come the crash and burn phase which includes crawling back to you in his most pathetic, abject state. and that, for some reason, is where you get your "hit". if you don't believe me, look back over your posts since 4-24....
you ARE waiting for him to show up on your doorstep.
you ARE teasing and toying with him by sending him photos of his own son. (why the hell do you have pics of his kid anyways???)
you can stop this any time. you don't need HIM to DO anything. but i don't think you want to stop yet......
you ARE waiting for him to show up on your doorstep.
you ARE teasing and toying with him by sending him photos of his own son. (why the hell do you have pics of his kid anyways???)
you can stop this any time. you don't need HIM to DO anything. but i don't think you want to stop yet......
I happen to be a good and loving person who loves someone that is sick with alcoholism and continues to drink despite the horrific consequences. Every time he is off on a bender is a personal hell for me because I have seen it so many times and it's a horrific show that brings him close to death each time (and yes I KNOW I choose to stay!). When he takes off on one I spend the week that follows wondering if he will live and make it through again or if this will be the time he goes too far. I go about my life the best I could but inside I feel abandoned and worried for what the week will bring. Both wanting and not wanting to hear from him. Wanting to because then I know he's safe, and not wanting to because my relief has a way of pushing me back to him. So if you think for one second that I get high on the idea that he will be crawling back to me begging again to come home you are wrong no matter how much you think you know.
I get that everyone wants to be the psychologist here but until you've lived this actual situation you have no idea. He sends me pix of him and his son when he visits so that's WHY I have them. And maybe when you are desperate for someone to STOP committing suicide you grab at any OUNCE of ANYTHING that might wake them up. Something that says "I get you don't want to live for you but live for HIM!". Because you are desperate and you want to wake them up and yes in my heart showing him a photo of his son hoped to do that. To see what he has to live for. No, not a photo of me but of his child hoping he would stop. I get it that it doesn't work, but in no way was I trying to do something with malice.
I'm astounded that ppl believe I have some sick pleasure in this. This is not pleasurable. This is hell. I know I can leave and I want to. It's simple to leave, but it is not easy.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by Smarie78
So let me get this straight. I get my rocks off by him coming back to me as a broken and sick man who keeps bringing destruction onto himself because it makes me feel good and useful?
Originally Posted by Smarie78
Oh, and I am taking photos of innocent children and dangling them in his face because it also gets me hot and bothered? You can read into it all you want but I know my own truth and story.
Originally Posted by Smarie78
I happen to be a good and loving person who loves someone that is sick with alcoholism.
Originally Posted by Smarie78
.......but until you've lived this actual situation you have no idea. .
Originally Posted by Smarie78
I'm astounded that ppl believe I have some sick pleasure in this. This is not pleasurable. This is hell. I know I can leave and I want to. It's simple to leave, but it is not easy.
Of course it isn't easy, none of us would be here.
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