KeepinItReal

Considering they were very understanding about you having to call the police... maybe they will surprise you! Hoping for you!!

help4hubby

Thanks! I'm really hoping everyone takes a logical approach to looking at this. I'm just gonna lay it out there for them and say I don't feel comfortable having alcohol in the house bc I don't know for sure whether he's taken anything or not and I can't trust him bc he's lied in the past. If he gets alcohol then one of us needs to leave in order for me to feel safe. It will be very hard for me bc I will not leave without my dogs. We have 3 dogs and 2 of them are big dogs. We have a nice big fenced in yard here. Seems to me the logical choice would be for him to leave but they are his parents and they do own the house so who knows. The other thing I've been thinking about is that I could afford to live here alone and pay for everything on my own, my husband couldn't. It's kind of ironic considering I'm the one who's unemployed at the moment. If I did have to go I have no idea how I would manage with 3 dogs. I've been giving this so much thought and I've been willing to stick it out and work through my husband's addictions, if we come to a point where he won't budge I think I will be more hurt than angry. Hopefully it won't come to that but it's always good to be prepared (as much as you can).

KeepinItReal

I would say, take it day by day. Maybe he could just drink outside of the house! I don't think you would have to pack up and say this is it. Unless it's chronic drinking that is the issue??
Also, their house or not you still have tenant rights. That is to feel safe in your own home. I would think that they would understand you feeling uncomfortable if he was drinking again.
I didn't realize you meant leave, as in find another place to live... I figured for the night. I can see how not letting him drink in the house is "controlling" and then he would be coming home drunk anyway....
Maybe contacting a few rental agencies... and just putting the word out you are looking and you have 3 dogs.. and weighing your options. See what's out there before you give up.

allforcnm

Im so happy to hear you did something for yourself that you had been putting off. (something I need to do myself - lol). I hope your teeth stop hurting soon !

Having a backup plan(s) for yourself and dogs is a good idea. I hope your in-laws understand your worries and back you up. Sometimes as part of a recovery program people are willing to take drug tests and have them monitored (not by you) but by the therapist, or outpatient program. It provides accountability, and also offers family or employers that measure of safety especially in early recovery. My husband was required to take drug test as part of his agreement to return to work. They have a lot more options these days than using "the cup" by the way. Anyway, in a lot of ways knowing he was doing this did offer me a sense of security until I could better see the changes in him. I would not have wanted to do testing myself, because I think that throws off the whole marriage relationship.

help4hubby

I'm really glad I did it too! My teeth were so sensitive that day but luckily they felt fine by the next day. I'm really happy with the results. I totally agree about the drug testing. I really would like him to do it but I don't think it's a good idea for me to ask him to do it. If it was court ordered or came from his counselor or even work it would be much better.

help4hubby

Hi friends! Well I'm disappointed to say that we didn't go to my in-laws last night. I was really looking forward to it but my husband didn't feel like going. He said he would rather stay at home and relax. Since I'm not working right now and I don't get out that much I was really wanting to get out of the house and visit. Oh well.

My husband went to his counseling appointment today and he also met with his lawyer after that. Everything went pretty well. His counselor said that she would like to meet with me soon (just me) and then meet with the two of us together. I am so happy to hear that! I've been wanting to meet with her too but I didn't want to push the issue. I'm happy that my husband has someone that he feels comfortable talking to and I'm so happy that he has kept up with going to talk with her twice a week so I didn't want to force the issue. Hopefully I will be able to get in to talk to her this week.

The meeting with his lawyer went well. His lawyer mentioned something about me writing a letter on his behalf to the court. While I don't mind helping my husband and I'll support him however I can, I really don't want to write a letter saying that everything is great. I'm not really sure what to include in this letter. I know that his lawyer will give me some ideas and I think that his counselor can also help guide me with what is and isn't appropriate to include in the letter. I was wondering in any of my SR friends had any suggestions? I want my husband to be held accountable for his actions and I'm kind of afraid that a letter from me may lessen the consequences or excuse his behavior. I'm so torn about this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

ShootingStar1

His lawyer is, as he should be, looking out for your husband's best interests. He is not YOUR lawyer, and is not looking out for your best interests.

If you don't feel comfortable writing a letter, or feel that it may be used for an outcome that you don't agree with, then you are totally free to not write one.

I think that within that request hides a boundary issue. This is your AH's to take care of; he did the deed, and he must face the consequences. To me, recovery is doing what you need to do for you, not feeling obligated to do what his lawyer thinks is best for him if that conflicts with what you need.

ShootingStar1

Carlotta

A letter would also come back to bite you on the butt if the situation goes South and you opt for a separation. ShootingStar1 is very right

help4hubby

I agree, his lawyer is gonna take steps to get him the best outcome possible. Sure things are good right now but things could change at any point, I hate to put something in writing that could work against later. Def gonna see what the counselor thinks. If I end up not writung a letter maybe she can help my husband understand why. He came home from his appointments today talking about accountability! I was shocked! I've never heard him use the word. He said he wasn't going to ask his mom for help with the hospital bills he just got for his injections. I was very impressed bc normally that is the first thing he does (run to mom for help). I feel like he is making progress. Very happy!

allforcnm

I can understand why your torn about writing the letter. I would think about it for a little while, talk to the therapist about your feelings, maybe do a joint session with your husband, and even speak to the attorney. That's just my suggestion.

I don't think writing the letter will take away consequences for him; its common to have a victim statement, and a family statement - but in this case your both so it is tricky, especially if you are planning to continue working on the relationship. That's where I think working with the therapist could help you make definitions between self / marriage / your concerns for his welfare.

I don't see how you can go wrong with just being honest about your feelings. If that ends up with some kind of requirement for mandated counseling, or drug testing then its a consequence he will have to accept. I think its ok to share the fear you felt that night, concerns for the future, what type of man you think he is overall, how you see him responding to what happened; accountability, engaged in therapy, etc. And also what might help you feel safe going forward. My guess is they will take all the facts into consideration and balance it with the guidelines for what he was charged with; in order to reach a plea. You wont be responsible for the outcome in the end.

Something I wanted to share about therapy (mine and what I saw with my husband) - it takes time, has a sort of cumulative result. We all grow and make realizations in our own time. So what you saw today was maybe like a breakthrough - my therapist used to lead me step by step through whatever issue I was working on; and then I would have those breakthrough moments and embrace them.

Now serious stuff - have your teeth stopped hurting ?? I think since you have a brighter smile, now you are do for a mini makeover? New lipstick to highlight the smile ? Keep doing nice things for yourself !

help4hubby

I'm definitely going to talk to the therapist before I make any decision about the letter. It might sound weird but I don't want to write anything that would help or hurt him. I just want to give the facts (if I do it at all) and that we are currently together trying to work through things. My husband said that his lawyer wants his therapist to write a letter as well. I think that is a very good idea bc she has a good understanding of my husband's history and issues. Drug testing would be a great requirement/outcome from all this. I also meant to mention that the subject of alcohol hasn't come up again which I'm really happy about! Even on Sunday, which is football (and typically includes drinking beer) he didn't even mention wanting to drink. He's completely through the Suboxone withdrawal now and isn't taking anything (that I know of).

My teeth are back to normal (they only ended up hurting for a day) and I'm really glad I got them whitened. I've been trying to do other little things for myself like paint my nails and face masks. It's nice and I should do it more often! I've been smiling more :-)

help4hubby

Feeling so frustrated with my AH (and if I'm being completely honest, pretty frustrated with myself as well). Going to make it a point to get together with one of my friends this weekend and accomplish something. I'm spending way too much time alone doing nothing. It's not healthy and only fuels my feelings of depression. I'm hoping that by putting this out there on SR some of you will hold me accountable (PLEASE!) I'm not doing myself any favors by continuing this lazy behavior.

KeepinItReal

Start making a life that isn't about HIM. Make it about what makes you happy. It took me a long time to stop considering how he would feel.
Go onto your towns community page. See what you can do for free or at low cost. Get out there and get busy!!

allforcnm

Im glad to hear you are thinking about what you need to do to feel better. I got in a rut after my son was born (and my husband was in addiction). I forgot about me for a while there. If you have community education they often offer fun low cost classes, or various exercise classes. Hobby and craft shops often have cheap classes this time of year if your into being crafty ~ Going out with friends for lunch, walking the mall, seeing a movie... There is a big world out there so we will be expecting you to start sharing what your seeing out there. I have a lot of work going on right now, so I will live vicariously through you...

Twofish

Dear Help, I did write a victims statement letter for my two ADs when I called the police on them. They have forms the DA want you to write the statement on, but I uses a piece of wite unlined paper. I started off with saying that I loved my daughters and felt they deserved a second chance this time (with strings attached of course). I asked for sobriety from all opiates, all substances except for what a 'Dr. ordered (Concerta, Methadone etc) random urine screens at the DAs discretion , seek out therapy and some connunity service. Mind you,one of the girls had several felonies with prison time attached. Then I wrote about how I felt as a mother of two beautiful, broken daughters who fell into the addiction hole. I requested there be no jail time, and that BOTH girls desire sobriety. I talked of their past, they are good girls, their future, maybe they will be successful and help other addicts. I didn't sugarcoat it nor did I cry when I wrote it. I wrote it the day before court. We never had a lawyer for either girl. The DA called for a pre trial hearing, which I was not invited to, I sat out in the waiting area. The three of them(one girl was on a conference call) they talked then called me in. The first thing I noticed on top of the file was my hand written letter to the DA. He agrees to recommended complete sobriety, IOP therapy, NA meetings, 40 hours of community service, get into NO trouble at all. He wants reports from their therapists, any urine screens they preform(both girls are drug tested weekly now) and to sincerely apology to my husband and me. If all this is completed within the one year of probation, he will expunge all the charges. It was like a miracle happened. Not what they did was ok, but intervention and education is working. Legal people are understanding that Heroin caused their addiction and that addiction IS a treatable disease. So that's what I did, I'm fully aware of the ADs relapsing and all bets are off. I believe in therapy and addiction can be treated, like other diseases can be treatable. My ADs are young 19 & 22, and have been sober and in treatment of some kind for 12 weeks now. Were we lucky? Or does the system understand what addiction can tell a person to do, good or bad. Always bad IMO. If you write the letter, write it from your gut feelings. He can never mix alcohol and Xanax again. Wishing you peace Help, you are the victim of what addiction can make a person do. I'm sure there's lots of arguments in my post, but it's just what this mom went thru to get her ADs back from he!! And away, for now, of addictions hold. TF

help4hubby

Well I just found out today that I am meeting with my husband's counselor tomorrow (by myself). I have to admit I'm a little nervous but mainly excited. I'm looking forward to meeting her, discussing my concerns and life from my point of view.

I've been making some positive changes lately. I reconnected with a dear friend and told her EVERYTHING that has happened. We have made plans to do a couple different activities. I also got in touch with my dad today and we are having lunch together tomorrow :-)

help4hubby

I've also been cooking a good bit lately. This is a pretty big deal because I've never been a cook. I've never even really been interested in learning to cook. I found some simple recipes on Pinterest and tried them out one by one. My friend that I spoke to the other day was really impressed when I told her some of the meals I've been making (nothing major but major for me lol) :-)

allforcnm

Way to go !!

I bet you feel better since you confided in someone - its so important not to be ashamed, not to hide this disease, or share how it impacts you. Im so happy you were able to talk to your friend.

I wish you good luck with the therapist tomorrow - and with your dad because I know you were worried about his reaction to all of it. Dads worry.. we cant stop them.

ShootingStar1

Good for you for starting cooking! It is a creative outlet for many of us. It's a bit like taking the bits and pieces of your life and re-arranging them into something positive. And then you get to enjoy it!!!!

And it helps so much to have friends and family who can hear you, and who know what you are going through.

You're on a roll!

ShootingStar1

hopeful4

Good for you! It is so important to take time out for yourself and do something that you love to do. Cooking is a great one!