in shock

Old 10-20-2013, 11:12 PM
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I'm a little anxious about my appointment tomorrow but I also know it's one more step in the right direction and that makes me feel good. My husband also has an appointment with his counselor tomorrow. I'm looking forward to getting several things checked off my to-do list this week. I have found the more active I am the better I feel. As always, the support and encouragement I get here is very much appreciated!
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Old 10-21-2013, 01:28 PM
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Hi Help, Wow, eventful, emotional weekend you had! Just remember we care about you. Tomorrow at your appointment take your time talking to the therapist, be painfully honest. If you like your therapist and it clicks between you two, the support and education she/he gives you will stay with you forever. They will be tools, use them whenever you need them. Let us know how it goes. I will be thinking of you as well as the rest of the SR family! TF
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Old 10-21-2013, 09:41 PM
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Thank you to everyone for the well wishes unfortunately my appointment didn't go so great. I am going to find a different counselor to talk to, maybe even the same one that my husband is seeing or one from that practice. They cover a wide array of issues there and bc my husband is seeking long term counseling they are giving him a discounted rate. The other plus side to the place he goes to is that it's only a few minutes from our house. The place I went today was an hour away.

We found out today that my husband does not qualify for a public defender. He was told to reapply since I'm not currently working and to list monthly expenses like house and car payments. Well that request was also denied even though he meets the criteria. I'm not sure what will happen now but I do know that there is absolutely no way that I will help financially with this. His mother gave him the name and number of a lawyer that specializes in domestic issues. I'm sure she will be helping him with the cost. I really wish that she wouldn't. I know that my husband can't afford a lawyer on his own but I feel like she is cleaning up his mess by helping with this.

I know that what happened that night wasn't my fault and I know that I handled it correctly, I just hate that she is going to be the one to pay for at least some of this. When I think back on it I wonder what would have happened if I wouldn't have called 911. Would he have believed me the next day when I told him what happened? How seriously would everyone have taken it if I wouldn't have gotten help and proof? We talked about it today for a little bit. He says he doesn't even remember most of that night.
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Old 10-21-2013, 10:27 PM
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It was a big step just to go today – be proud of yourself ! It was hard for me the first few times I went to therapy. I would feel good, and then later feel very emotional. I think switching closer to home would be easier for you, and although Ive heard people say you shouldn’t share a therapist with a spouse, if they are professional then I think it works out fine. My husband and I did marriage counseling together, and we also worked individually with the marriage counselor. I think it can give them a broader insight sometimes. But that’s just my opinion…

Tough one in regards to his mom. Maybe you could share your concerns, and then try to let it go?

If he doesn’t remember much of that night, then I think it would have greatly reduced the impact for him, and made it easier to minimize what happened, revert back to what he felt were “normal” behaviors. Or, if he felt some anxiety from it, then he may have used more to make it all fade away. I think he would be in a much worse place; no acceptance, no treatment. And I think you would have been in continued danger, and forced to leave for your safety.
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Old 10-21-2013, 11:34 PM
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That's too bad your appointment didn't work out today. Was the biggest problem that it was too far away? Or, did you not like the counselor?
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Old 10-22-2013, 12:06 AM
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Really it was both but more so that I didn't feel comfortable with her. If it had gone well I wouldn't have minded making the drive.
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Old 10-22-2013, 12:31 AM
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That's understandable. It is important that you feel comfortable with your therapist.
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Old 10-22-2013, 04:21 AM
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Good morning Help, It's 36 degrees out burrrr....if your husband was homeless over here, that would be very uncomfortable, think how comfortable he will be when this is all over or settled or helped. I didn't like my therapists either, the first 2. I really like the " leader" of my support group, she seems to understand and if I cry she doesn't make a big deal of it. Try a different therapist or why didn't you like the first one? Sometimes it takes a few sessions..or only the first to know if you click with her. I'm gonna get he$$ from the others about this, but I would accept the financial assistance that the mom in law is offering, you could write up an IOU and pay her back? YOU might be homeless yourself if you lose your housing! Try a meeting, there are plenty of people there that might recommend a therapist for you plus get the support you most necessarily need. Take care, TF
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Old 10-22-2013, 10:28 AM
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I feel good about my decision to switch counselors. Even if I had really liked the one I saw yesterday, I wouldn't be able to go there often and appointments are scheduled weeks in advance. I noticed that when my husband initially called to set up counseling services at the place he goes to, they were quick to get him in and his counselor/the owner of the business made it a point to tell him that if they didn't click he could try one of her colleagues. I really like that her office is so close to our house too.

I really don't know how to feel about the whole lawyer issue. I really feel like my husband should step up and take care of this for himself (find himself a lawyer and pay for it on his own). On the other hand as I say this I'm reminded of a time or two (or three) when I desperately needed my parents help and they were BOTH there for me financially and emotionally. So it's kind of wrong of me to expect my husband to do something that I wasn't able to do.

Part of what I'm really struggling with is feeling guilty. I know without a doubt that I did the right thing by involving the police. But seeing how this is affecting my mother in-law financially makes me feel a little guilty. I also wonder if she still feels the same way now that things have calmed down or does she blame me in any way? I know that this is ridiculous bc I didn't cause all of this and I made a responsible choice but nonetheless I'm still struggling. I'm going to talk to her this week and tell her how I'm feeling and see how she feels. I also am going to make a counseling appointment, maybe just by myself for now and then with my husband later.
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Old 10-22-2013, 11:26 AM
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I think it is a good idea to make a counseling appointment for just yourself for now.

If your mother-in-law decides to pay your husband's lawyer fees, that is her choice. She could choose not to pay the fees.

You made the right choice by protecting your safety and the safety of your husband. He put you in danger and then he put himself in danger. You did the right thing--the responsible thing--by taking steps to protect you both.
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Old 10-22-2013, 01:00 PM
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Hi Help, Just got back from the dentist, got a nerve block to get a few fillings redone, ugg! Anyway, yes, if you feel right about it , gut feeling right, try the counselors/therapists at the place closer to your home. AND I would highly recommend you do one on one the first couple of times then if you still want to, invite your husband, otherwise I have a feeling it will end up a blaming or yelling match with a therapist in the middle, just my opinion. I absolutely feel you made the right decision in calling the police even after the intense feelings have calmed down. What if he would of killed you? Just couldn't help or stop his actions, ask his mom that! You might not need a lawyer, we didn't and we had very serious charges against my girls who are very young and it could of ruined their lives to have prison or felonies on their records. Talk to the victim protection people who work for the DA, see what can be done, is your husband ready for rehab or recovery? Will he do as the DA asks of him? Is he serious, does he want to be helped or is he just "sorry?". Things are working out for me sort of, my children are gonna be addicts the rest of their lives, that's hard to swallow when your 19 and 22 yrs old. Well, my face is frozen, gonna lay down before the meeting I go to at 5:30. I still care about you as the rest of us do. Take care! TF
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Old 10-22-2013, 03:22 PM
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Sometimes actions have a "period" between them, not a "semi-colon".

Your husband behaved violently and threatened you; you called 911.

The police charged your husband.

Your mother-in-law may or may not help your husband pay his legal expenses.

The only linkage here at all is that when your husband attacked you, you called 911. ( A wise thing to do, too, to keep yourself safe and alive.)

The fact that YOU called 911 did not make the police charge your husband. They charged him because he was violent. They would not have charged him if he had not been violent.

The fact that your mother-in-law may enable your husband by paying for his legal expenses is NOT YOUR FAULT because you called 911. It is her choice to make and the only reason she has that choice is because your husband chose to be violent.

You can't link actions that are not cause and effect because they make you feel guilty. It doesn't work that way.

In the same way, you can't interject emotional interpretations into a series of actions and thereby discount the actions. Your husband got violent with you. It doesn't matter whether you think he didn't mean to, or you think he had a bad childhood that forced him to do this, or anything else. Actions are actions. The facts are the facts.

What is done cannot be undone. He repeatedly crossed a threshold of behavior that is unacceptable, and that is a scary fact no matter how much you love him and want to trust him. Your boundaries are solid, but beware and be vigilant. We all care about your safety and place that above our concern for his feelings and our hopes for his recovery.

Said with empathy and compassion, take what you want and leave the rest.

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Old 10-22-2013, 09:04 PM
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Thank you all so much for the support and advice. Things are going ok today. My husband is still withdrawing from the suboxone but he is working through it and going to work everyday like his counselor recommended. A court date has been set for Dec. 10. Twofish I really like your idea of seeing if a lawyer is even necessary. With his criminal history it's really hard to say if he needs one and how helpful they could be. It sounds like the minimum he will have to do is pay a $500 fine and attend a domestic violence class, but he could get an additional punishment of one year in jail. We found out from the paperwork that the magistrate he will appear before is a female. I'm not stressing about what could potentially happen in court. It's out of my hands. I will handle it either way.
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Old 10-23-2013, 05:06 AM
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Dear Help, Excellent advise you gave yourself NOT to stress over this too much, for one it's not gonna help, it will make you sick and weak and it might make you second guess your 911 decision to save your life! Soon, go speak to the victims protection people and the DA, have a letter drafted by the therapist on your husbands progress and you maybe should write a letter to the DA on how you feel about the situation. The DA decides what to charge him with anyway, makes his recommendation to the judge, and with all this evidence and caring going on, might just take the recommendation of the DA. Sure beats going to court unprepared with just a "sorry, won't happen again..." law enforcement does consider the effort to change and the desire to be sober and work on anger management. Well, that's what we did in a nutshell. I hope I'm helping you with my story, after all I care about you, you are family! BTW it's 29F out today, burrr, would hate to be homeless this morning! Have a gentle quiet day, Help, you deserve it. Happy Wednesday! TF
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Old 10-23-2013, 09:59 AM
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I sincerely hope he recovers too. I have to ask though why is he more important than you are?? Please consider doing whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. Consequences are not actually a bad thing, he needs to have his because what he did is very, very serious and concerning. Love yourself first then do what you can but within reason.
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Old 10-23-2013, 11:04 AM
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I don't think that he is more important than me. I have taken steps to keep myself safe. There are most definitely consequences for his actions and he is facing some of them right now.
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Old 10-23-2013, 08:10 PM
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I was thinking along the same lines as TwoFish.... he will have the opportunity to get letters from the physicians who are working with him. And I think they may ask you for a statement also; a chance to state how frightened you were, and also how you are feeling after time has passed. Hopefully he will be deep in treatment by the time all this happens.

Just thinking about you .. hope things are going ok.
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Old 10-23-2013, 09:52 PM
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Things have continued to go smoothly. My husband has another counseling appointment tomorrow and an appointment next Wed. to get injections in his back. He's still withdrawing from suboxone but it's not as severe and he's handling it well. We've been talking more and getting along well. I've also been doing some reading about addiction. Feeling good about things :-)
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Old 10-23-2013, 11:15 PM
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Hi Help, Good for you, the more you educate yourself on this disease, the more you will understand it. Just don't chock him with it, he knows or will soon enough. You sound better, more confident, that's great! I'm so proud of you! TF
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Old 10-24-2013, 12:55 PM
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Thanks TwoFish! I am feeling really good, you know what they say knowledge is power! It's something that I'm doing for me and I'm really liking reading again, I haven't read in quite a while.
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