bluebelle

The incident where he tried to strangle you sounds very scary. My mom was in several abusive relationships when I was a child (including my father). In each relationship, the violence escalated. Thank goodness you called 911.

lettingonow

No one is worth that my dear, get yourself to safety find clean and sober friends and mates to be around and never look back. Your must value yourself and your life. I think when your mom finds out she is going to going to be terrified. You are her baby her one priority will be your safety and yours should be too, this is America dammit we don't strangle our women here.

Twofish

Hi Help, Been thinking about you and I am so proud of you for all the positive steps you have taken. Your plan sounds wonderful and telling your mom, wasn't that a relief? I'm so happy that you did that! Keep us posted here on SR. It's quit obvious that we care about you. Support helps so much! Take care, TF

help4hubby

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! The support and encouragement I get on here has helped me tremendously! It can be easy to get discouraged when dealing with an addict but having a plan and everyone on SR makes a huge difference! I smiled ear to ear when I got your messages allforcnm and twofish!

help4hubby

I want to make it clear that in the 4 years that I've been with my husband he has never been violent or abusive. I really don't feel hat this is a domestic violence issue, it is a drug/addiction issue. No matter what the cause, his behavior is unacceptable! I don't intend to tolerate any type of physical violence, however I will support his recovery. I did a little research about the possible effects of mixing alcohol and Xanax to see if my husband's reaction was specific to him or common. Apparently it is not uncommon at all to have violent behaviors towards self or others when mixing the two.

BlueChair

I had to look at my husbands behaviors also, not from a DV but from infidelity. Was this who he was, or did it happen because of the drugs? I feel comfortable now it was from the drugs. It made me stop in my tracks questioning who he was for a while. Sound familiar?

interrupted

I think your mom might not have said you "have her full support" if she knew that your husband tried to kill you. That's what happens when you choke someone successfully - they die. No amount of semantic gymnastics will make this okay, it is most certainly a domestic violence issue.

I know it sounds harsh but this situation is really scary. I'm sorry. I don't even know what to say.

Carlotta

It could be an allergic reaction to the Easter bunny which prompted him to strangle you, facts are:
a) He tried to strangle you
b) Being an addict/alcoholic he has only a 10 percent chance to recover so there is a good chance he will try it again
c) Being strangled is NOT acceptable.
I don't know if you have a sister but what would you think or say if it was her husband who tried to strangle her while high?
"Support his recovery and take a chance that he will be amongst the minority who recovers and that even if he does not recover he will never try to strangle you again?"
or
"Sis, I am scared for your life, you need to leave him and protect yourself?"

overit263

I was just talking to two sisters today that work near me. They both went through domestic violence issues with their first husbands, and one of the husbands was on drugs, the other's wasn't. It's a pretty black and white issue I think. Once they've put their hands on you - and they both said at one point that both of their husbands cried and said "what have I done I'm so sorry" and still, they did it again. It's hard for them to go back once a boundary has been crossed, and they WILL do it again until you aren't there to do it to anymore, or they kill you. Just like an addict, there is no special circumstance or "different" abuser. Your husband isn't any different from any one of them. Trust me, I had a coworker murdered by her husband after they had their baby. She never spoke an ill word about him at all. Then he made several attempts and then finally killed her. Remove yourself from any danger as fast as possible.

Carlotta

I had to step back from the keyboard and breathe for a minute.
Here is my E, S and H for you:
Unfortunately, alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will es not get better, it take them less and less to get into the alcoholic psychosis mode. If he has blacked out before, he will again. If he has had a violent alcoholic psychotic episode he will have one again.
Edward was a wonderful man when he was sober. He never hit me or abused me unless he was drunk.
The first time he tried to strangle me, he was in a psychotic mode. Very drunk and reliving some kind of PTSD from his time in the military. When he sobered up, he was horribly sorry and repentant. He swore he would get treatment and it would never happen again. I believed him, he was so sincere at that moment. He went to detox, rehab then came home. All was peachy for a bit then he started drinking again.
Before the second time he tried to strangle me (that one is a bit fuzzy, I lost consciousness I think), he proceeded to hack my furniture with a machete, destroy my porcelain dolls collection and keep me up all night terrorized with his drunken rambling and quacking when I had to wake up early in the morning.
Every time he did something violent, he would be so sorry when he sobered up and would swear up and down he would get in recovery and it would never happen again.
Every time, I hung on to my hopes that all would be peachy and that he would live up to his potential as a wonderful man and we would both be sober happily ever after.
I lost count of the times he went to detoxes and rehabs (or rather that I dragged him to them). Of course it was not DV, he was drunk when that happened and would never have acted that way sober. It was just the alcohol and I knew that once he recovered all would be great!!!!
The final straw was when he went berseck in a blackout and punched me in the face. I was standing with my back to the stairs and went stumbling down...I don't know if it was the head trauma or the fact that I had been attending Al Anon regularly and was working the steps and working on detachment and boundaries but something clicked.
I called the cops, he got arrested, I filed for a restraining order which he tried to break. I called the cops who re arrested him and I never saw him again.

Right now, you are in the "I ll support him, he ll get sober and all will be well phase". I just hope you bookmark this thread so if (very likely) he relapses, the next time he tries to strangle you, you can reread what we posted.

overit263

Wow Carlotta, you are one strong cookie. I don't care what my situation is, hearing things like that always make me tear up. Good for you for getting out and saving your life!

pravchaw

You have only one life to lose. Take this seriouly.
Never argue with a person who is high. Infact get out fast. You are not talking to him. He is not home. You are talking to Mr. Bottle (or Mr. Pill, Joint or syringe). Mr. Bottle and his pals are unpredictable and crazy. They don't like Ms. Codie spoiling the party. She makes them angry. Angry enough to kill.

LoveMeNow

Fortunately for many victims, the State doesn't excuse violence because of drug addiction. Nor do they excuse an addict for violating the law or a person personal safety ....just because we loves them.

Vale

Ours is not a society that condones this.We do not allow
victims under duress to 'forgive' an attacker ----- and let
it all blow over. Life threatening behavior is met with life
threatening countermeasures. This is not a game. We as
a society disallow addicts/alcoholics escalating their threats/
violence until they are satisfied. It is counter to public policy.
An escalating domestic violence situation is the very
worst scenario and the one dreaded most by those tasked
to respond.
But make no mistake, they WILL respond. The conflict
will be impossibly assymetric with an uncomfortably
high probability of grave and/or deadly injury to the aggressor.
Please take steps to avoid this suboptimal outcome.
As an earlier poster alluded......we don't allow our women to
be strangled in modern society. It can get very messy very
quickly when someone (intoxicated or not) grants themselves
such liberties.
It is disallowed, and will be truncated with extreme prejudice.

allforcnm

One step at a time, be safe and use the resources at your disposal to help you find the answers.

They say only 10% of the estimated 23+ million people who suffer with addiction actually receive the proper medical and psychological care that fits their individual needs. Right now is the best time for your husband to work with his doctors and determine his treatment needs. If you see something lacking based on your knowledge of his situation... Share it, push for his getting complete care. After that it's up to him to engage in treatment. Addiction is considered a chronic illness, best treated early, and recovery rates are comparable to other chronic illness. (not from me, from NIDA).

People are who they are- some were dangerous and violent before substances, any ounce of self restraint vanishes with use of a drug. But other people... Any of us.... Could have a psychotic event from mixing substances. We are responsible for our actions in those cases, and have to accept the consequences, whatever they might be but even the justice system recognizes the impact of substance abuse; that's why they often offer treatment instead of imprisonment.

Someone I met through the recovery process, her husband was charged with domestic violence, after mixing alcohol and cocaine. It was an isolated incident hasn't repeated in a years time. He went into treatment, also was required to attend some anger management / domestic violence classes before charges were dismissed.

I know you will figure out what is best for you. Your feelings may change many times as all this unfolds and that's ok too. (That's what happened to me when my husband was in active addiction, and even during early recovery). I'm happy you have an appointment for yourself next week. Your doing all the right things; just be cautious... Your SR friends care about you.

Hope the MRI went ok today.

help4hubby

Thank you so much! I really needed to hear that. After all of the posts today I found myself questioning everything and confusing myself with my own thoughts. I had to resist the urge to be offended/hurt by some of the comments on here today. I had to keep reminding myself that some of the things that were said that bothered me so much were (hopefully) said out of concern. I was so hesitant to even post on here about what had happened initially because I was afraid of the responses I would get. Obviously violence is never ok and I don't condone it but I really do feel that this situation is drug related. No that doesn't make it ok but it does mean that there isn't any type of pattern of abusive behavior. I've known my husband since first grade, we grew up together and in all the time we've dated, been engaged and married he has never so much as even pushed me.

I'm going to continue to talk with family and friends about what we are going through right now and continue with the current treatment plan. I am looking forward to meeting his counselor but like you said one thing at a time. He had his MRI done today and will have it read next week and hopefully will get the injections in his back as well.

allforcnm

Injections might be really helpful. We looked at several options for my husbands pain and mobility issues. His problems were with his shoulder, arm, and neck. At one time we thought this implant might help but they decided it wouldn't. He has got relief from physical therapy, but he still may need surgery in the future. I hope they come up with something positive for your husband.

No one here knows what your husbands outcome will be. You know him better than anyone. Its always best to give advice that errs on the side of caution. No one wants you to get harmed in any way. People here share from their experiences, and some have had very bad experiences. You might find it interesting to read some of the threads by Miller05 - I see similarities you might relate to.

The info I gave you from NIDA is their official position. They have a lot of very interesting studies on addiction and recovery. Some trace it back through variables such as Race, Income, region of country, age of onset of use, type of drug used, family history, prior attempts at treatment. But.....they have not changed their official opinion that addiction is a chronic disease. This means it is often recurring. They estimate 40 - 60% of patients will relapse, and this is comparable to relapse rates of other chronic illness such as diabetes, asthma, hypertension. For reference:

Treatment and Recovery | National Institute on Drug Abuse

One day at a time... sending good <<vibes>> your way.

help4hubby

Thank you so much for the support! It is very much appreciated. How can I find Miller05?

bluebelle

I can't imagine anything that would cause me to be violent--psychotic episode, perhaps, but being psychotic wouldn't make me violent. My bf (now in recovery) has had a long battle with drugs -- marijuana, pain pills, and some Xanax mixed in. He has never been violent. It got really bad at one point---really--I was afraid he'd stop breathing when he slept. Pain pills and Xanax will do that. However, like I said, he was never violent.

My personal experience is with years of watching my mother abused by several different men. Yeah, they were probably often using something or another at the time (I wouldn't be surprised). However, they were also just violent people. No, they weren't violent at the beginning of the relationship. It happened later. It escalated. My mom made excuses (he is trying to stop cigarettes, he will never do it again, he apologizes). It got worse. Each time, it ended up so bad that she needed medical care. It didn't start out like that.

I totally admit that this post is triggering for me. My father attempted to strangle my mom when she was pregnant with me. She survived--because she pretended she was dead. Yeah, he is an alcoholic & I'm sure he was on drugs then. However, that is also the way he is. He is still an alcoholic and violent 40 something years later.

It's hard for me not to have an emotional response. I feel very strongly that there is no excuse for somebody to attack a defenseless person smaller than them.

bluebelle

[QUOTE=help4hubby;4246549 I had to resist the urge to be offended/hurt by some of the comments on here today. I had to keep reminding myself that some of the things that were said that bothered me so much were (hopefully) said out of concern. I was so hesitant to even post on here about what had happened initially because I was afraid of the responses I would get. .[/QUOTE]

Please don't be offended or hurt. I'm sure people on here are just worried for your safety.

I hope you keep sharing. I think it is good to share and not keep that kind of stuff inside of you.

It's great that you are going to see a counselor. It sounds like you are pulling your support system around you, which is wonderful.