in shock
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hello Help, I've had those injections in my elbow a few times, I was a little skeptical about it, but I gave it a try and was pleasantly surprised. I had tennis elbow or something along those lines. The pain was tolerable for a few months! I was happy about that, really happy. I hope your husband has as good as luck as I has in his back! BTW what are the w/d symptoms he is having from the sub? Curious...take care of yourself. TF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Bridgeport, WV
Posts: 108
Hey TF, I'm glad to hear you had a good experience with the injections. The Suboxone withdrawal has caused him to lose his appetite, he's restless, sick to his stomach, weak and feels like his skin is crawling. Fortunately it has lessened over the past couple of days.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Bridgeport, WV
Posts: 108
Hi SR friends! Well the last few days have been a little hectic. Two nights ago our carbon monoxide detector alarmed. We weren't sure what was causing it so we turned off our furnace and left it off all night just to be safe. It was so cold! We had our furnace looked at the following day and sure enough it was leaking badly! They weren't able to repair it that day so we had to go another day and night without heat. Luckily my sister had a space heater that we were able to use the second night.
My main focus after dealing with that issue was my husband's appointment at the hospital the following morning to get the nerve block in his back. About 9 p.m. that night he realized that he forgot to pick up the doctor's order for the procedure. Being a nurse, I explained to him that no they couldn't just go ahead and do it without the actual order and no it wasn't as simple as rescheduling it for 30 min later for the same day. He seems to think that everything should just fall into place for him. He was so upset bc he is constantly losing/forgetting/misplacing things. Then he mentions something about running to the store to get cigarettes and beer. I was dreading this moment. I knew at some point the subject of alcohol would come up. I have a very firm stance on it given what happened before with the Xanax and alcohol. We hadn't really discussed it and I was very glad that it hadn't come up bc that meant that he didn't even want to drink. I asked him if he thought it was a good idea to drink given what happened before and given that he had a procedure scheduled for the next morning.
He kept explaining that he only wanted one or two beers and that the only reason the whole "incident" (my words) happened was bc he had taken too many Xanax and then drank on top of that. I don't necessarily think he has a problem with alcohol but alcohol was a factor that night and since I can't trust him to be honest about drug use I don't feel comfortable having alcohol in the house. I kept stressing to him that he had denied taking anything all along so how could I believe him now when he was saying the very same thing? Why should I think that anything would be different? He kept saying "bc I'm NOT taking anything and I haven't." I kept saying how do I know that? I said "you are telling me exactly what you said before and look what happened?!!!" I asked him to tell me what I could have done to prevent that whole incident from happening, he said "nothing, there's nothing you could have done". I said EXACTLY! How do you think that makes me feel?!! I did nothing wrong, I asked you to be honest with me, you lied and look how it turned out for both of us. Finally he made the decision not to get any beer but I really think it's only b/c of his procedure so I'm sure this is something we will be dealing with again in the near future.
He lucked out and was able to pick up the doctor's order for his procedure immediately before his appointment the next morning. We headed to the hospital where my sister was waiting. She is also a nurse and had worked the night before and offered to wait with me. We were about 10 minutes late when we pulled into the hospital parking lot. I'm walking quickly and he stops to light a cig. I tell him there's not time to smoke but he doesn't care. We start walking then he realizes that he's left the order that he just picked up, in the car! I'm ready to strangle him at this point. He goes back to the car then stands outside to finish his cigarette. I'm furious with him b/c he's lucky he's even able to make the appointment and now he's choosing to make everyone wait on him. If I didn't have to be there to drive him home I wouldn't have been.
Well the procedure goes well, I pick him up and help him into the car. We get home then he tells me "oh I forgot I have two movies I need to return". Obviously he can't do it b/c he can't drive. I'm already annoyed over this when he gets in the house and realizes that he's left his phone at the hospital!!! I really start giving him a hard time at this point, not yelling but just saying things like, "aren't you tired of this, aren't you tired of forgetting things and misplacing things?" He keeps saying yes but doesn't have any solutions for how to work on this. I'm not kidding here it truly is a big problem. He does this stuff at work and home. I can't tell you how many times he's lost his wallet, keys or phone somewhere and every time he says "well I could have sworn I put it such and such place." I go inside and it takes them about 15 min. to locate his phone. We get home and I'm trying to help him out of the car and he keeps saying "I'm fine I've got it I'm good" (in other words I don't need your help). He decides to stand outside and talk to the guys working on our furnace (turns out we had to get an entirely new one).
He's doing exactly what they told him not to do, he's up and walking around and without help! I keep telling him to come inside or at least sit down. He finally comes in and he's non-stop walking through the house in and out of every room. Meanwhile I'm so afraid the dogs are gonna knock him over, we have 3 dogs and they aren't little. I finally just give up, and say to myself fine if you fall you fall! Who in the heck walks around when half of their body is numb?!!! I go upstairs and change clothes and when I come down he is in the bathroom and one of the dogs has pushed the door open with her nose. I start to open the door and he's standing up and won't let me in. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was gonna use the bathroom and didn't need help. He ends up walking out to the living room and then back in. I said what are you doing, you were just in the bathroom why did you walk out if you weren't done in there? He didn't give an answer that made sense. I asked him what he walked out for and again he tried to brush it off but his answer didn't make any sense. I finally just gave up. He's gonna do what he's gonna do. Now I have to decide what I'm gonna do.
Sorry I'm rambling friends but I've been off of here for a few days and really just needed to get this out. I had that feeling, you know when you feel like something is wrong or off. I'm not sure if he's using again but I'm not liking what's going on and I know we are gonna have to have the alcohol talk soon because it's going to come up. I don't want to say no you can't drink ever again because I said so but what it boils down to is if he wants alcohol in the house I can't stay. I don't feel comfortable. How do I know he hasn't or isn't taking something that may interact with alcohol? I don't know bc I can't trust him. I don't know where I will go or what I will do but I know I can't let that go. I can kind of feel things lightening up since the incident and that's not what I want. I don't want him to think oh ok it's been a couple weeks things are ok now. They aren't ok, he still has to go to court over this. Ugh!!!
My main focus after dealing with that issue was my husband's appointment at the hospital the following morning to get the nerve block in his back. About 9 p.m. that night he realized that he forgot to pick up the doctor's order for the procedure. Being a nurse, I explained to him that no they couldn't just go ahead and do it without the actual order and no it wasn't as simple as rescheduling it for 30 min later for the same day. He seems to think that everything should just fall into place for him. He was so upset bc he is constantly losing/forgetting/misplacing things. Then he mentions something about running to the store to get cigarettes and beer. I was dreading this moment. I knew at some point the subject of alcohol would come up. I have a very firm stance on it given what happened before with the Xanax and alcohol. We hadn't really discussed it and I was very glad that it hadn't come up bc that meant that he didn't even want to drink. I asked him if he thought it was a good idea to drink given what happened before and given that he had a procedure scheduled for the next morning.
He kept explaining that he only wanted one or two beers and that the only reason the whole "incident" (my words) happened was bc he had taken too many Xanax and then drank on top of that. I don't necessarily think he has a problem with alcohol but alcohol was a factor that night and since I can't trust him to be honest about drug use I don't feel comfortable having alcohol in the house. I kept stressing to him that he had denied taking anything all along so how could I believe him now when he was saying the very same thing? Why should I think that anything would be different? He kept saying "bc I'm NOT taking anything and I haven't." I kept saying how do I know that? I said "you are telling me exactly what you said before and look what happened?!!!" I asked him to tell me what I could have done to prevent that whole incident from happening, he said "nothing, there's nothing you could have done". I said EXACTLY! How do you think that makes me feel?!! I did nothing wrong, I asked you to be honest with me, you lied and look how it turned out for both of us. Finally he made the decision not to get any beer but I really think it's only b/c of his procedure so I'm sure this is something we will be dealing with again in the near future.
He lucked out and was able to pick up the doctor's order for his procedure immediately before his appointment the next morning. We headed to the hospital where my sister was waiting. She is also a nurse and had worked the night before and offered to wait with me. We were about 10 minutes late when we pulled into the hospital parking lot. I'm walking quickly and he stops to light a cig. I tell him there's not time to smoke but he doesn't care. We start walking then he realizes that he's left the order that he just picked up, in the car! I'm ready to strangle him at this point. He goes back to the car then stands outside to finish his cigarette. I'm furious with him b/c he's lucky he's even able to make the appointment and now he's choosing to make everyone wait on him. If I didn't have to be there to drive him home I wouldn't have been.
Well the procedure goes well, I pick him up and help him into the car. We get home then he tells me "oh I forgot I have two movies I need to return". Obviously he can't do it b/c he can't drive. I'm already annoyed over this when he gets in the house and realizes that he's left his phone at the hospital!!! I really start giving him a hard time at this point, not yelling but just saying things like, "aren't you tired of this, aren't you tired of forgetting things and misplacing things?" He keeps saying yes but doesn't have any solutions for how to work on this. I'm not kidding here it truly is a big problem. He does this stuff at work and home. I can't tell you how many times he's lost his wallet, keys or phone somewhere and every time he says "well I could have sworn I put it such and such place." I go inside and it takes them about 15 min. to locate his phone. We get home and I'm trying to help him out of the car and he keeps saying "I'm fine I've got it I'm good" (in other words I don't need your help). He decides to stand outside and talk to the guys working on our furnace (turns out we had to get an entirely new one).
He's doing exactly what they told him not to do, he's up and walking around and without help! I keep telling him to come inside or at least sit down. He finally comes in and he's non-stop walking through the house in and out of every room. Meanwhile I'm so afraid the dogs are gonna knock him over, we have 3 dogs and they aren't little. I finally just give up, and say to myself fine if you fall you fall! Who in the heck walks around when half of their body is numb?!!! I go upstairs and change clothes and when I come down he is in the bathroom and one of the dogs has pushed the door open with her nose. I start to open the door and he's standing up and won't let me in. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was gonna use the bathroom and didn't need help. He ends up walking out to the living room and then back in. I said what are you doing, you were just in the bathroom why did you walk out if you weren't done in there? He didn't give an answer that made sense. I asked him what he walked out for and again he tried to brush it off but his answer didn't make any sense. I finally just gave up. He's gonna do what he's gonna do. Now I have to decide what I'm gonna do.
Sorry I'm rambling friends but I've been off of here for a few days and really just needed to get this out. I had that feeling, you know when you feel like something is wrong or off. I'm not sure if he's using again but I'm not liking what's going on and I know we are gonna have to have the alcohol talk soon because it's going to come up. I don't want to say no you can't drink ever again because I said so but what it boils down to is if he wants alcohol in the house I can't stay. I don't feel comfortable. How do I know he hasn't or isn't taking something that may interact with alcohol? I don't know bc I can't trust him. I don't know where I will go or what I will do but I know I can't let that go. I can kind of feel things lightening up since the incident and that's not what I want. I don't want him to think oh ok it's been a couple weeks things are ok now. They aren't ok, he still has to go to court over this. Ugh!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
So, he's no longer has to stay away from you? Wasn't there a hold originally?
What's the word on the facility where he is going for inpatient? Is he doing any recovery work? Meetings?
Listen to your gut. It knows more than your mind.
What's the word on the facility where he is going for inpatient? Is he doing any recovery work? Meetings?
Listen to your gut. It knows more than your mind.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Glad to hear an update. I hope the nerve block helps.
I think you do have to be strong in the rules of the home / boundaries. If the drinking comes up again (and I think it will) if you reach an impasse; maybe it would be something that could be discussed with the help of joint therapy? Sometimes a mediated discussion can help; don't know why but when we did this the therapist would come at it from a different angle and helped clarify things. If he was triggered to drink beer because of the stress of the furnace - and Im not making light of it because something like that is stressful - but it should show him cause /effect. How to handle this stress is what he needs to learn in therapy, so he will hush that AV who wants substances to numb the stress. My husbands doctor explained how sometimes there can be a transference to substances like alcohol, and it starts with using any substance to help avoid feeling / dealing with emotions.
Hold your ground; you have a right to feel safe in your home, and with your husband. I wonder if he will be required to do drug testing when this court case comes up?
I think you do have to be strong in the rules of the home / boundaries. If the drinking comes up again (and I think it will) if you reach an impasse; maybe it would be something that could be discussed with the help of joint therapy? Sometimes a mediated discussion can help; don't know why but when we did this the therapist would come at it from a different angle and helped clarify things. If he was triggered to drink beer because of the stress of the furnace - and Im not making light of it because something like that is stressful - but it should show him cause /effect. How to handle this stress is what he needs to learn in therapy, so he will hush that AV who wants substances to numb the stress. My husbands doctor explained how sometimes there can be a transference to substances like alcohol, and it starts with using any substance to help avoid feeling / dealing with emotions.
Hold your ground; you have a right to feel safe in your home, and with your husband. I wonder if he will be required to do drug testing when this court case comes up?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Bridgeport, WV
Posts: 108
Sorry for the LONG rant last night guys. I was (and still am) so frustrated. I was afraid of this very thing happening, him taking recovery seriously at first and then slacking off a short time later after things have calmed down. I'd really like to support him but I can't do this for him. If he thinks it's ok to drink then we have a real problem. I told him that I knew he was gonna do what he wanted to do whether I knew about it or not. I feel like now that the withdrawal from Suboxone has subsided he feels like he is ok or at least in control of himself. I feel like he's forgotten that there is still so much for him to deal with even just legally. I've got to quit focussing on helping him and help myself. I'm tired of reminding him that he needs to call his lawyer and that he has an appointment today at 1:00 with his counselor and that he needs to call the elderly couple that he does yard work for. I'm tired of all of it. He always gets really flustered when he loses something (his phone, wallet, keys, lighter) then as soon as he finds it he laughs it off and forgets it even happened. He never seems to focus on what he's doing or think about what he could do to prevent it from happening so much (like putting his keys in the same little basket everyday when he walks in the door). I think having his counselor address the alcohol issue is a great idea. He seems to value her opinion and they get along well. I'm going to work on a plan for myself.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
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Hey Help, Something, as a nurse, keeps nagging my mind about you and your husbands activity before and after the nerve block...the not relaxing, walking around, not sitting, then the bathroom, when he wouldn't let you in there. I'm sorry, do you think he's using "something" again? Had a few Xanax hidden in the house or bathroom? Just a nurses hunch? And ya, what about that no contact order? I think mandated drug testing in a condition of dropping the charges is worth looking in to. Sorry for the suspicious mind of mine...I'm only looking out for you and giving you what support I can. Take care, TF
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
In my honest opinion, his forgetfulness may be PAWS (post acute withdrawl syndrome). I know while using xanex that you become a bumbling idiot.. and forgets everything that happened. I took it a few times (more than I should have) and didn't remember anything I did while on it. Also was persuaded into things I wouldn't do.
I hope that you find a way to get some peace.
It's so difficult living with someone who is an addict or recovering addict and I hate to say I have done it more than a few times with my RAH.
It's good to have support and someone you can laugh with. Make plans with others and don't include him. This has been a way for me to continue to enjoy life and not need or focus on HIM. Even if it's the movies with my kids, mom... or out to a nice restaurant. I felt that leaving him out of certain things made me feel better. I don't know if this is normal or not!
Be well!!
I hope that you find a way to get some peace.
It's so difficult living with someone who is an addict or recovering addict and I hate to say I have done it more than a few times with my RAH.
It's good to have support and someone you can laugh with. Make plans with others and don't include him. This has been a way for me to continue to enjoy life and not need or focus on HIM. Even if it's the movies with my kids, mom... or out to a nice restaurant. I felt that leaving him out of certain things made me feel better. I don't know if this is normal or not!
Be well!!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Do you have a safety plan in place in case he gets violent again? Maybe you should have an overnight bag packed in your car with some money and a plan of where you can go quickly?
It concerns me that he said that what happened before was "too many" Xanax and alcohol. It sounds like he thinks he can regulate his use.
It concerns me that he said that what happened before was "too many" Xanax and alcohol. It sounds like he thinks he can regulate his use.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Four years ago (on Easter) I went to my parent's house to spend the day with my sister and children. My husband was to show up at 5:00 to attend an evening church service will all of us. I had strong suspicions at around 2:00 when I spoke w/him that he was drinking. He is prescribed Xanax as he has extreme anxiety issues. He hung up on me. He did not show for church. I called and called, no answer.
As soon as I got home from the church service, my dad got a phone call to send me and my sister (who is a state trooper) to a house of someone we do not know about 3 miles down the road. My sister and I went and to this day I can hardly believe what I found. My husband had broken into someone's house (that he does not know either). He had trashed their house to the tune of $15k, cut himself on the glass and jumped off their roof. The police found him limping down the road.
Now, my husband is not a violent person. He has NEVER done anything like this in the past. Had I not identified his Tshirt (he had on two shirts) and hat and our car been sitting in their drive I would have not believed he had done this.
The next day he called me from the jail. He could not remember anything he had done and thought he got a DUI or wrecked the car. O no....no..that was not it. Three years later he still drinks on occasion (one more time and he is out, I have made this promise to myself, him and our families, I mean business). He pays restution to the tune of $225 per month to these poor people. Alarmingly, he truly does not remember any of this even happening.
Alcohol and Xanax are very powerful. I believe I have PTSD from this happening in our life. It is so out of character that I cannot believe it. When he tore up their house it was with violence. Very scary.
Please please stay safe. Tell your family the truth and see this act for what it is. Do not let him continue to drink "three or four."
This is painful for me to type but I want you to truly see what can happen. I don't know what would have happened to those people if they had been home. I hate to think of it and it scares me. Alcohol is the devil.
Be safe, God Bless.
As soon as I got home from the church service, my dad got a phone call to send me and my sister (who is a state trooper) to a house of someone we do not know about 3 miles down the road. My sister and I went and to this day I can hardly believe what I found. My husband had broken into someone's house (that he does not know either). He had trashed their house to the tune of $15k, cut himself on the glass and jumped off their roof. The police found him limping down the road.
Now, my husband is not a violent person. He has NEVER done anything like this in the past. Had I not identified his Tshirt (he had on two shirts) and hat and our car been sitting in their drive I would have not believed he had done this.
The next day he called me from the jail. He could not remember anything he had done and thought he got a DUI or wrecked the car. O no....no..that was not it. Three years later he still drinks on occasion (one more time and he is out, I have made this promise to myself, him and our families, I mean business). He pays restution to the tune of $225 per month to these poor people. Alarmingly, he truly does not remember any of this even happening.
Alcohol and Xanax are very powerful. I believe I have PTSD from this happening in our life. It is so out of character that I cannot believe it. When he tore up their house it was with violence. Very scary.
Please please stay safe. Tell your family the truth and see this act for what it is. Do not let him continue to drink "three or four."
This is painful for me to type but I want you to truly see what can happen. I don't know what would have happened to those people if they had been home. I hate to think of it and it scares me. Alcohol is the devil.
Be safe, God Bless.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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I wondering if he should be in a rehab. A rehab will provide him with structured environment where he can focus on recovery, and give a chance for his brain to recover. It will likely be good for you too.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Hi H4H,
I just wanted to reply to this thread quickly to say that my AH also takes Suboxine, Xanax as well as some other pills. I noticed very strange behavior by him when he started taking the Xanax- and yes he has gotten aggressive with me. I'm not proud to say that he has been aggressive with me more times then I want to tell you. So I just want to let you know that you are NOT alone and an inspiration to me. You took action for yourself. Which people may not understand that it's so hard to do when you know that they would not do if they were not on the drugs- that it's not something they have ever done in he past. I'm there right now. So thank you for sharing your story- it helped me to hear it.
Good luck with everything.
I just wanted to reply to this thread quickly to say that my AH also takes Suboxine, Xanax as well as some other pills. I noticed very strange behavior by him when he started taking the Xanax- and yes he has gotten aggressive with me. I'm not proud to say that he has been aggressive with me more times then I want to tell you. So I just want to let you know that you are NOT alone and an inspiration to me. You took action for yourself. Which people may not understand that it's so hard to do when you know that they would not do if they were not on the drugs- that it's not something they have ever done in he past. I'm there right now. So thank you for sharing your story- it helped me to hear it.
Good luck with everything.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Bridgeport, WV
Posts: 108
Bluebelle- the no contact order has been lifted. He meets with a substance abuse counselor twice a week. He refuses to go to meetings bc he says they are only "war stories".
Allforcnm- I agree about the transference with substances. It seems like he has a need to calm or numb himself with drugs a lot of the time. I've noticed it's always some type of depressant. I really hope that the court will order drug testing.
Twofish- It's pretty typical for my husband to be on the move a lot, he has ADD and is so easily distracted and fidgety. The bathroom thing was very weird though. He seemed like I had caught him in something but who knows?
KeepinItreal- It's so hard to tell if it's PAWS in him or if it's his typical ADD behavior. Typically when he uses Suboxone or Xanax he loses time and thinks that things that have happened that day have happened days before that. It's so frustrating for me and confusing for him. I really like the idea of getting away from him for a bit and doing something with friends or family.
Hopeful4-Thank you so much for sharing your story! That sounds so awful to go through and I'm so sorry that you went through that.
Pravchaw-Unfortunately he refuses to go to an inpatient facility and we just don't have the money for it. He has been to a couple different ones in the past and he did well but struggled after coming home. His stepdad had told me at one point that he feels like my husband has done this enough that he knows what people are wanting him to say or do and so he does it just to get the reaction he wants from us.
MLJ88- Thank you so much! I hate that you too have experienced this but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this. It's very hard to help someone but also need protection from them too.
Txhelp- You read my mind! He is exhausting at times.
Allforcnm- I agree about the transference with substances. It seems like he has a need to calm or numb himself with drugs a lot of the time. I've noticed it's always some type of depressant. I really hope that the court will order drug testing.
Twofish- It's pretty typical for my husband to be on the move a lot, he has ADD and is so easily distracted and fidgety. The bathroom thing was very weird though. He seemed like I had caught him in something but who knows?
KeepinItreal- It's so hard to tell if it's PAWS in him or if it's his typical ADD behavior. Typically when he uses Suboxone or Xanax he loses time and thinks that things that have happened that day have happened days before that. It's so frustrating for me and confusing for him. I really like the idea of getting away from him for a bit and doing something with friends or family.
Hopeful4-Thank you so much for sharing your story! That sounds so awful to go through and I'm so sorry that you went through that.
Pravchaw-Unfortunately he refuses to go to an inpatient facility and we just don't have the money for it. He has been to a couple different ones in the past and he did well but struggled after coming home. His stepdad had told me at one point that he feels like my husband has done this enough that he knows what people are wanting him to say or do and so he does it just to get the reaction he wants from us.
MLJ88- Thank you so much! I hate that you too have experienced this but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one dealing with this. It's very hard to help someone but also need protection from them too.
Txhelp- You read my mind! He is exhausting at times.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Bridgeport, WV
Posts: 108
Doing something for myself today that I've wanted to do for quite a while now. I've resisted the urge to remind my husband to call his lawyer. We got into a small argument yesterday before his counseling appointment regarding alcohol. I finally decided to just drop it. There's no alcohol in the house right now and if he brings any in, I'm leaving. I didn't tell him that because I've heard that ultimatums are bad but how do you distinguish between an ultimatum and setting boundaries?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
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I have also struggled with ultimatum and boundary. Good going on not reminding him anything!! I tend to do this TOO much. Now, it's not feeling guilty when he forgets or when he asks... "why didn't you remind me?!" I would say, because it's your responsibility. I recently stopped myself of sending a "manipulative" or my strong opinion to my RAH in jail.
I have to change my behavior and accept whatever choices he makes. My boundaries he knows. I told him I refuse to buy him cigarettes, let him use my car, or pay for any medications (besides his blood pressure pills)
My husband is fully capable of having a job, holding a job and paying his own way when he is sober.
Boundaries are different for everyone. If you don't feel safe with alcohol in the house (I don't blame you one bit) and if he doesn't respect that...well it's a problem. You leaving the house when he starts drinking is a good safety technique but very inconvenient for you. He should have to leave the house if he wants to drink IMHO.
I have to change my behavior and accept whatever choices he makes. My boundaries he knows. I told him I refuse to buy him cigarettes, let him use my car, or pay for any medications (besides his blood pressure pills)
My husband is fully capable of having a job, holding a job and paying his own way when he is sober.
Boundaries are different for everyone. If you don't feel safe with alcohol in the house (I don't blame you one bit) and if he doesn't respect that...well it's a problem. You leaving the house when he starts drinking is a good safety technique but very inconvenient for you. He should have to leave the house if he wants to drink IMHO.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
how do you distinguish between an ultimatum and setting boundaries?
ex: If you get drunk one more time, I am out.
Boundaries are about you and your comfort zone
ex: I will not be around a drunk.
and I agree with you, it is a pointless waste of energy to say anything, he already knows how you feel about his drinking etc...shoot he strangled you while under the influence!!!
Take care of yourself
Ps: also ultimatums are about controlling the other person's actions.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think it is ok to issue an ultimatium as long as it is directed to yourself. I have decided if my husband drinks again I am going to leave. I am not making any threats or anything else. Correction: he is going to leave, not me. I did not do anything wrong, why should I leave?
That is what is different about myself right now as I soul search so I can keep telling myself this will all be ok regardless of the outcome. I have made the ultimatium with myself, that is ok. I have made boundaries with my husband. I do not ask him if he is drinking (I always know every time I won't have to ask and I know that). I am not nagging him or telling him I am worried. That is a boundary I will not cross and in reality, it does not good anyways! Believe me, I think he can see the calm in me and it scares him some. You know what, good! He needs to be scared as I have never meant anything more in my life. Keep in mind, it has taken me years and years to get to this point and I have put up with alot of BS in the mean time that people think I must be crazy for. It did not happen overnight or even in a year or two.
My point here is that boundaries are how you handle day to day life with them. However, as our therapist told us the other day. We all have qualifiers in our marriages. Things we absolutely need and absolutely will not live with. Those are deal breakers. The rest a couple can work out, but those things you don't bend on. He did not talk about it forever or go on and on or try to change what we think those qualifiers are. Just that they exist and we can choose to live with those from each other or split. Simple as that. It was an ahh--haa moment!
I hope you take care of you. Keep posting and remember that you are never alone!
That is what is different about myself right now as I soul search so I can keep telling myself this will all be ok regardless of the outcome. I have made the ultimatium with myself, that is ok. I have made boundaries with my husband. I do not ask him if he is drinking (I always know every time I won't have to ask and I know that). I am not nagging him or telling him I am worried. That is a boundary I will not cross and in reality, it does not good anyways! Believe me, I think he can see the calm in me and it scares him some. You know what, good! He needs to be scared as I have never meant anything more in my life. Keep in mind, it has taken me years and years to get to this point and I have put up with alot of BS in the mean time that people think I must be crazy for. It did not happen overnight or even in a year or two.
My point here is that boundaries are how you handle day to day life with them. However, as our therapist told us the other day. We all have qualifiers in our marriages. Things we absolutely need and absolutely will not live with. Those are deal breakers. The rest a couple can work out, but those things you don't bend on. He did not talk about it forever or go on and on or try to change what we think those qualifiers are. Just that they exist and we can choose to live with those from each other or split. Simple as that. It was an ahh--haa moment!
I hope you take care of you. Keep posting and remember that you are never alone!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Help, Doesn't your hubby know that addiction is "war"? Too bad he doesn't think he has issues with mixing ETOH and Xanax! Wonder if you could ask him to get it "ruled" out? Go see a therapist to amuse you, not trick him, but to prove you wrong about his possible addiction? A little reverse manipulation? He might go for it just to prove you wrong when all along it will be showing him indeed he does have the disease or "issue". Maybe he just needs someone neutral to tell him what he is denying? Just my opinion. So what are you gonna do today, just for you? Do something memorable, something that you can reflect back on and smile! You ARE worth it and deserve it ,my friend! Take care, hope your week end is uneventful for a change, we are always here for you! TF
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Bridgeport, WV
Posts: 108
Hi SR friends, hope everyone is doing well this weekend. Well yesterday I did something for myself that I've been wanting to do for years but just never made it a priority. I got my teeth professionally whitened. I was soo happy with the results but a couple hours after having it done, my teeth were so sensitive and sore (they told me this may happen for the first couple days). I visited with my sister afterwards and then went food shopping with the husband. I was surprised the issue of alcohol didn't come up again, I know that it will though and that's why I want to be prepared.
When I brought it up earlier yesterday, I suggested that my husband see what his counselor thought about the subject. He said he already knew that she would say it was a bad idea. His argument was that he was an adult and that if he wanted to have a couple of beers he should be able to. I told him that given what happened I didn't think it was smart of very respectful of me to drink. He got mad and I could see we were going to argue so I said let's just drop it and you go to your appointment.
I really do feel like he should be the one to leave but I don't see that happening. The fact that his parents own our home and are our landlords only complicates the situation. If that wasn't the case then I would definitely feel like he should leave. He has the problem why should I have to go? We are going to his mom's house tomorrow to visit and I think I'm going to try to bring up the subject and see what she has to say. It would be great if they would back me up but I'm not counting on it.
When I brought it up earlier yesterday, I suggested that my husband see what his counselor thought about the subject. He said he already knew that she would say it was a bad idea. His argument was that he was an adult and that if he wanted to have a couple of beers he should be able to. I told him that given what happened I didn't think it was smart of very respectful of me to drink. He got mad and I could see we were going to argue so I said let's just drop it and you go to your appointment.
I really do feel like he should be the one to leave but I don't see that happening. The fact that his parents own our home and are our landlords only complicates the situation. If that wasn't the case then I would definitely feel like he should leave. He has the problem why should I have to go? We are going to his mom's house tomorrow to visit and I think I'm going to try to bring up the subject and see what she has to say. It would be great if they would back me up but I'm not counting on it.
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