Old 09-30-2013, 03:16 PM
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I always say that I am finding my happy. I have always ended ever addict tragic moment with, "but I'm finding my happy".

Am I?

I have NEVER been one to be an unhappy person. I feel like I went through a war with my xah. He bombed my country and and I was left alone with my son and nothing else around me but destruction. I have tried very hard to rebuild. To say that it is ok, and I got this. I lost so much so quickly...friends, family and my husband. My son has lost his father. Family has always meant the world to me. And here I am alone with my son. That's it. Just us. This isn't what I imagined.

This summer when my son told me that his father didn't like him was the last straw. I became depressed. I haven't been able to snap out of it. I can't seem to get inspired. I don't enjoy my job anymore. Even when I try to do fun family things with my son, I don't feel truly happy.

I feel like since I was hurt by the one person in the world I thought I could trust with my soul, I can't trust anyone. I find myself pulling away from friends. I don't trust anyone, and would rather just hang out alone.

I feel so exhausted being a single mother and sole provider. Just exhausted. The stress of raising a child all by myself is overwhelming at times.

It has been 2.5 years since this man I thought I knew destroyed me and my son. I think I am finally getting to the point where in which I don't love him anymore (crazy gross, but I was). But now, here I am all alone and unable to trust...anyone.
Maybe this is just another growth in the grieving process of abandonment, betrayal and addiction. I don't know. But I do know that I want my happy back. This man has took enough from me.
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Old 09-30-2013, 03:30 PM
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I'm sorry. That must have been very painful. Glad you got to the point that you don't love your ex anymore. I will send you much love and confidence that it'll get better with time. I know this doesn't help now. So prayers your way Sweetheart!
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Old 09-30-2013, 03:48 PM
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It take time to forget, probably longer to forgive.
While natural to feel frail, and sensible to be cautious, there are really nice people out there.
I hope you find some of them soon.
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Old 09-30-2013, 04:11 PM
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I'm sorry you are struggling Story. It was when I lost my happy entirely that I felt such a level of discomfort I had to make a change. I just didn't feel like myself anymore. You've been through a lot and have a lot of responsibility. One thing that really helped me was a gratitude journal...I've been doing it for 170 days today! Each night I write 5 things I am grateful for. I include things that some people would think "grateful really?"....such as "I'm grateful my passive aggressive co-worker reminded me today why we aren't friends outside the office". I find to write that I'm thankful for the negatives assists me in releasing the negative emotions surrounding those events quicker. Not sure that makes sense but it makes perfect sense to me!! the journal has also helped me pay more attention to the good things going on in my life. Stay your've made some tough decisions and have kept the one thing you love most in this world, your son, safe. Big hug to you today.
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Old 09-30-2013, 04:33 PM
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lizwig, I think I am going to make a commitment to try that. I have to get out of this yuck. I like how you can twist something good out of a negative.

Thanks to all. Venting helps. I just need to laugh more too!!!!
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Old 09-30-2013, 05:10 PM
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Hi Story, I lost my happy when I found out my two beautiful young girls, were addicts. I cried rivers. I couldn't eat, couldn't parent my son. It was/still is awful, painful and never ending. I think what Lizwig said is excellent! I started journaling right away. That was so helpful. I write things down like this wasn't my fault or I AM a good mom, etc. that helped me. I smile a little more now, my tears, some are happy. I read SR every day and post if I think it will help someone as SR has helped me. Take care of yourself, eat well, love your family and give yourself a big gentle hug. TF
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Old 09-30-2013, 07:10 PM
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Lizwig's suggestion of a gratitude journal is a great idea. Melody Beattie wrote some great books that most of us are aware of but one that isn't talked about much is "Make Miracles in 40 Days". It's all about gratitude and writing it down. I shared mine via email with a gratitude buddy every morning. That kept us both on task to make sure we did our gratitude exercise every day. My gratitude list included things such as:

I can never be grateful that my son is addicted to drugs but I will be eternally grateful for the lessons I've learned and the people I have met as a direct result if his addiction.

I can't be grateful that my father was killed in a violent plane crash but I will be grateful for my changes and growth as I've dealt with the grief of losing him.

It's amazing how doing this exercise everyday changed me and my attitude. I didn't laugh a lot a few years ago....i felt much how you described how you are feeling....but now I laugh and dance......I have found my joy again.

I hope you find your happy soon......

gentle hugs
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Old 10-01-2013, 12:55 PM
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i suggest the road to happy starts with ice cream. really good, favorite flavor in the whole world, ice cream. soft, cool, soothing, delicious. its a few moments to slow down, be nice to ourselves, and indulge our senses.

i believe when we move into SAD spots in our lives, we start to draw the shades, close the windows, and barricade off our inner selves, our creative thought processes, our many senses, even our intuition. we no longer exist in a 3 dimensional world, it's all flat and shapeless.

be it ice cream or a hot soaky lavender scented epsom salt bath or relaxing music or a walk in the crisp autumn air as the leaves turn - physical acts that touch us in some way....take us out of wherever our head was and completely totally into the NOW of the moment, get us going on our re-awakening.
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Old 10-01-2013, 06:50 PM
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I am so sorry you are going through this and have been hurt so badly. You have a lot of great suggestions here, Story. I too was so depressed when my son was in his worst part of addiction. Even when he came to us and wanted help all we did was cry and cry and cry. Writing positives is huge, doing small things for yourself like yes, ice cream, baths, getting a massage, etc. Daily walks helped me tremendously. I look at the beautiful blue sky and thank God for the sunny days. I so appreciate the little things now. You have been dealt a huge blow and it will take time to come out of the fog..................but you will! Just do small things for yourself and you will slowly notice improvement. Hugs
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