Happy
I always say that I am finding my happy. I have always ended ever addict tragic moment with, "but I'm finding my happy".
Am I?
I have NEVER been one to be an unhappy person. I feel like I went through a war with my xah. He bombed my country and and I was left alone with my son and nothing else around me but destruction. I have tried very hard to rebuild. To say that it is ok, and I got this. I lost so much so quickly...friends, family and my husband. My son has lost his father. Family has always meant the world to me. And here I am alone with my son. That's it. Just us. This isn't what I imagined.
This summer when my son told me that his father didn't like him was the last straw. I became depressed. I haven't been able to snap out of it. I can't seem to get inspired. I don't enjoy my job anymore. Even when I try to do fun family things with my son, I don't feel truly happy.
I feel like since I was hurt by the one person in the world I thought I could trust with my soul, I can't trust anyone. I find myself pulling away from friends. I don't trust anyone, and would rather just hang out alone.
I feel so exhausted being a single mother and sole provider. Just exhausted. The stress of raising a child all by myself is overwhelming at times.
It has been 2.5 years since this man I thought I knew destroyed me and my son. I think I am finally getting to the point where in which I don't love him anymore (crazy gross, but I was). But now, here I am all alone and unable to trust...anyone.
Maybe this is just another growth in the grieving process of abandonment, betrayal and addiction. I don't know. But I do know that I want my happy back. This man has took enough from me.