TheGirlisTrying

Writing this is my therapy. I'm not new here; I've received excellent advice and comfort here before. I've learned how to watch for signs,signals and patterns through these posts. I've learned how to begin protecting myself. But today I learned that even with all this knowledge I can still be fooled by a meth addict.
I allowed my ex boyfriend/meth addict to stay with me Saturday night through today. Why? Because he is homeless, seemed sober and I love him. But I knew I couldn't trust him here alone so I cancelled all of my weekend plans and spent time home so he could sleep and rejuvenate in a sober environment before hitting the streets again. While he slept, I looked though his things, a pair of jeans, shirt and tennis shoes. I didn't find any drugs so I figured I was safe. He ate, laid on the couch like he was sleeping, all seemed normal.
So today he took a call and walked out of the room. I knew I could not trust him to be alone in my house with the suspicious behavior again, so I told him he needed to leave. He argued with me then walked out the door.
I sat for a good hour before moving from my couch. Felt guilty for making him go, after all it was just a phone call. Maybe I was paranoid. And then I went to the bathroom. And that's where I saw the fast food cup in the trash can. And then I dug to find half a straw and tin foil. Even though I was here to keep any illegal activity happening in my home, I was fooled again. It didn't matter that I was here, didn't matter that I didn't find anything with my snooping. He knee I would snoop, was already ahead of me. It didn't matter that he ate or slept or pretended to sleep. It didnt matter that I've spent months practicing the craft of meth detection. And it didn't matter that he cares about me. He used in my house without an ounce of guilt for doing it. He was still trying to guilt me on the way out the door, knowing he had gotten high here.
It hurts. Yes, it hurts to know that you care about someone and can barely say no, even to save yourself. It hurts to know that you can arm yourself with knowledge and keep yourself looking for signals and signs and miss them all. It hurts to know that someone has been able to train themselves to sleep and eat in front of you. To know that they put a plastic cup in your bathroom hours ahead of time just to plan for drug use. It's sick.
So I write this because I am hurt, I am sick to know that this happened. I'm mad, angry, and disappointed. But someone once told me in this forum that one day I would hit rock bottom as well. It's different than an addicts bottom. It's the bottom I have reached to know that no amount of research, knowledge, planning, snooping or talking will keep this person who I love dearly from doing this drug around me. There is no respect in addiction. And there is no figuring it out or stopping it.
I've posted in this forum when I originally started fighting to get my loved one back, each time I kicked him out and in the times I felt confused. But there is no post declaring that I have given up. That is what I am posting today. I cannot continue to believe that I am anything more than just another person helping him out today. He may love me but love has nothing to do with it. He can't remember where his keys are or where his belt is on a daily basis but he can mastermind placing items in my home to use for meth while I am sleeping. The drug won. I lost. I wish him well. The end.
PS- if you are a girlfriend of a meth addict who doesn't actively seek treatment and do not have any children or a marriage with the addict, run. And don't look back, don't stop for guilt trips, or even the sweetest words in the world. The drug will win. You are nothing compared to the high. And you never will be.

penelope222

Im sorry to hear that you were fooled but your post sounded very empowering. You have made a final decision about this man and nothing will change your mind. It sucks to love someone so much in that situation. I know though i have no clue about meth but cocaine. Wishing you well

TheGirlisTrying

Thank you very much for the reply. I do like the word empowering especially if it means that my post will empower others to walk away sooner. I don't feel like I am walking away from anything more than a drug. I still love the person who abuses it but it takes a long
Time to realize that sober spectators are simply enabling and falling into these mastermind traps. I now believe that meth occupies my ex boyfriend's mind 100% of the time. There may be glimpses of his personality or the person I fell in love with but once far enough down the meth path, all that remains is meth. That will not change until he decides to change, if ever. I feel for the women who are 6 months behind me in this discovery. It's a painful one to accept.

pravchaw

I sympathize with you. I had a similar issue with my 21yo son. I had to evict him from our house in Feb because of pot use. I let him back into the house in June with the boundary that he will not use at home. Unfortunately he could not comply and had to leave again. I like what you said, walking away from the drug not from the person. In my case I cannot walk away as he will always be my child.

KariSue

Parents can go 'no contact' though and if it comes to that I will with my son.

Kari

KariSue

I think most of us can relate to being fooled. I have been fooled a lot.

Good for your decision. I think you are making the right one.

Kari

pravchaw

Yes, we are in no contact mode right now by mutual agreement, because we are in different places mentally. But we are kidding ourselves that relationships end (particularly parent child relationships). They can transform (for better or worse) but they do not end.

Getting back to the topic - part of the reason addicts lie about their using, is to protect us from their compulsion (and protect themselves from shame). Its crazy but true - that they do not think we can handle the truth, that they are in the midst of a compulsion (i.e. opposed to choice).

TheGirlisTrying

I believe that is true, it's a compulsion, and a near uncontrollable disease when we are talking about meth abuse. But I drew a line in the sand and it was crossed. He came to my home with intent to use while there. There is no longer much shame. Only need.

Sara21

I, too, was fooled by my husband's meth use. It shocked me to see how easily and frequently he lied to me about his drug use. There were times when I felt I was going crazy because my gut (and common sense) told me one thing, and he very convincingly told me something else. I can't believe he was willing to do that to me just so he could get away with his drug use.

You said that the drug won and that you lost. I disagree. You were able to break free from the drug and see the situation for what it really is. You had the strength to do what needed to be done so that YOU can stay healthy. Whether he chooses to use or not is HIS battle to win or lose, not yours.

Hugs

TheGirlisTrying

Have you been able to also walk away from your husband? I dated my ex for 5 years but that is no marriage. Granted he had slips that I never knew about for 4 years until he went full blown relapse and lost his job, apartment and friends. I can't even imagine trying to make these decisions as a wife or a mother....my ex's family is supportive from afar. They don't help him nor does he really talk about it with them. I've learned that this is a cycle since he was 14. I just happened to meet him at a sober time.
Perhaps being the spouse or mother of an addict...well, it is the same feeling of pain but so much more is involved in drawing boundaries. Maybe it is so much more than that....I feel for you guys who are in that situation.

Vale

"or even the sweetest words in the world. The drug will win. You are nothing compared to the high. And you never will be."
================================================== ==============
Cold & harsh & brutal words. I would very much like to take issue with them (and
with you for writing them).

But I cannot.
Because they are true.

pravchaw

For them its not an 'either or' situation. They want both. The drug is a compulsion , we are optional. For us its the other way around, We want a drug free relationship. Not sure how to solve this. With my son for now, since he is not living with us, we have let him be, and only engage with him minimally and not about his addiction.

TheGirlisTrying

I've had to give myself a pretty harsh talking to with these exact words. I would never say them for someone else unless I had said them to myself a thousand times. And in the end, bearing myself up a bit over the role I continued to play was what finally got to me to stop playing that role. Sad but true.

Vale

It is very sad, TGT.
But at least (in the end) we were able to walk with
our sanity. Not everyone does.

TheGirlisTrying

Vale, I just re-read my initial set of posts to this forum in a moment of reflection on this experience...you were there responding from the start with "Interrupted." Thank you!
It's a strange blessing to have people you will never lay your eyes on talking about things you may not even discuss with your closest friend. Thank you, again.

Vale

I should not 'edit' from other peoples posts!
(I should 'quote the whole thing' then point out the gold)
I apologize.

It is quite strange. No one in my world would EVER suspect me of
falling into codependent patterns of behavior. If I did not have an
anonymous outlet to talk to others about it----I have no doubt that
I'd still be stuck there. As it stands, I went NC in 2011(shortly after I found
SR--- the option to reestablish/respond to contact....became a non option
a while after that.

Thank you. For the first time.

interrupted

I totally get this. I don't talk to many people about my family - and anyone who finds out is totally shocked. I have the innate ability to act like everything is going stellar no matter what. I could probably stand in the middle of a burning house and casually go over my holiday plans "I'm going to put the tree right over there (pointing to wall engulfed in flames)." - it comes from a long family-of-origin history of not acknowledging all of the many elephants in the room.

But we don't have to do that anymore. It's a really difficult habit to break, though, I haven't managed to do it yet. Baby steps, I guess. But I digress... (what else is new?! )

crissyybabyyxx

This is great.. thank you, it made me realize a lot.