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new here, need help

Old 01-15-2013, 05:37 PM
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new here, need help

New here but not new to addiction. Iíve just spent over 2 years of my life with an addict. Itís been quite the roller coaster ride. Iím going to skip over so much but things were just as bad as what youíve all experienced, just atrocious. After my ex got out of rehab a year ago, we worked on things only of course to have him start behaving like a classic addict, lying, manipulating, making me feel as I was wrong and crazy, on and on. I could write a book. I left him. We didnít speak for months. I only have myself to blame for this but I reached out to him and wanted to make sure he was ok, apologize for what I owned in the relationship, etc. BAD MOVE.

Iím almost embarrassed to type all of this because I know Iím such a fool for going back but yes, I did and wow how quickly I fell back into the spell. We were only in contact for about three months but it seems like another 3 years! Of course through all of our history and the things that have happened, my family was not happy about my choice. They were all fearful when I told them we were dating again. Again, Iím going to sound stupid and Iím truly embarrassed but I really thought he was going to be ok and things were good for a few months. Then my god, did it all spiral fast. We had planned on going on vacation week before Xmas. A few nights before he was supposed to be at my home but of course didnít come over and when I questioned him about it and got upset because we needed to plan for our trip, he lashed out (rage Ė typical), turned it around on me for being upset (projection Ė typical) and gave me the silent treatment (typical Ė Iím high). I thought of course maybe I was over reacting because he was Xmas shopping all day (probably lie.)We went on the trip and surprisingly it went wonderful.

Fast forward to two days before Xmas. He knew what I had to endure with my family. He knew I was sticking my neck out for him and hoping we could just have a ďnormalĒ family life. He and my sister were great friends in the past but she wanted nothing to do with him after the last few years. However, some of my family started to feel ok with it. He and I went out one night to a place walking distance from my familyís home. I asked him to meet me there, thinking my sister would be there later so it would break the ice. She didnít end up coming because she was tired. The night was going well but he turned on me in a matter of seconds over nothing. He literally accused me of sleeping with some guy that made eye contact with me while we were there and stormed out! Seriously, I didnít even talk to this person, look at this person, much less flirt or have sex with this person!!. It was crazy. I went to his house the next morning and literally he got up and yelled at me to get out of his house. This was Xmas Eve!! What the hell! Three days prior to that we were having a great time on vacation and now this? Later that day of course Iím angry and I said ďwell I guess the holidays are going to be ruined again.Ē He blocks my calls and texts and doesnít talk to me through the entire day Xmas and Xmas Eve. I had to try and get a hold of him. Fast forward to New Years. Same craziness. We were supposed to visit a family member of mine who was ill (who he was grateful was ok with us being together who he had gone to see in the hospital and been sweet as can be the week before) and my old college friends invited us to dinner. He immediately said he didnít want to go. Of course, again, I tell him I was upset and I get blocked. I figured he would take block off. My sister and brother in law and the two of us were going to spend time with friends on NYE. It was FINALLY in my mind going to be something that started to mend our relationship with my family accepting him. Oh no, I couldnít get a hold of him. Of course, by this point I was beyond angry. I was livid. He actually went through the holiday without talking to me. I know he was there alone NYE night because I stopped by there and then the next morning he was there alone sleeping. Would rather prefer to sit there alone on holidays.

Mind you, this entire time off and on for a few weeks, he kept telling me that his gift to me was an iPad which he never by the way gave me even when we spoke after Xmas and I gave him his gifts. What kind of selfish asóhole doesnít even get a gift for their girlfriend? The lie was that he opened it to use at work and bought me another one. Really? So the last argument and final one was when I told him I bought myself an ipad. I needed one for work. After seeing him several times and having him never give it to me, I assumed it was a lie. OF course, the rage started that I did it to prove a point, blab la bla, rage, rage, more rage. Then the silent treatment. I finally just snapped. I told him every horrible thing about his behavior, how horrible of a person he was behaving like, etc.

He begged and pleaded for me to talk to him. I mean BEGGED, the I love you and I want to explain everything, why Iím afraid, etc. This went on all week. I finally caved and called him Friday. He knew I was on my way to my family members home who had cancer and was dying. On my way, he kept begging me to call when she went to bed so he can explain why he was so afraid, on and on. So, I call around 10pm. Of course no answer. This is after begging me all evening to call and texting me back and forth until 9. Then 10 rolls around and nothing. The next morning I call and same thing. By mid day of course I was really angry again and irritated. I get a response later in the day going into GREAT DETAIL about how sick he was, that he was coming down with something horrible, that he canít afford to get the flu now with so much going on at work. I stop by the next morning after he told me that his dad took him to urgent care and got him some antibiotics. He was texting me all night the night before that he was at urgent care, he got a Rx that his dad would pick up for him on Sunday. I stop by and say ďyou should probably call your dad to get the RxĒ and he literally raged out of nowhere after being calm and talking to me sweetly for half an hour, started screaming at me to leave his house. I said ďwhatís your problemĒ the response was of course ďyouíre my problem, youíre my only problem in life, get out!Ē and stormed out of his bedroom.

There was no doubt in my mind at that point that this person is A. mentally ill and B. had to be on drugs again. I stared at his phone. I know you will all tell me I shouldnít have done this but I grabbed it and left as he asked me too. I had been down this road so many times but my heart still sank. Of course there were texts about buying drugs. There were calls in and out of his phone the times he lied and told me he was in bed or not feeling well the entire time he knew I was caring for a dying family member. I was so sick to my stomach. Apparently heís been popping Adderall and Xanax again, high doses of both.

Iím so sorry for writing a novel and feel Iím all over the place but this behavior is just so cruel, so vicious, so manipulating, so unreal. I even told my mom when I fessed up to her what happened that I just couldnít actually believe that a person would know what their significant other is going through trying to defend them to their family and pretending to be off drugs and making plans with their family members only to be lying to my face the entire time! This is horrible. I feel so embarrassed. How does a human being behave like this? How? How does someone look you in the eyes and lie and then the next second turn on you and make you feel like you are nothing, blame everything on you, rage at you, and treat you so viciously?
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Old 01-15-2013, 05:58 PM
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Welcome, sorry that you are in so much pain. Honestly, he is a garden variety active user, your story is one that I have read at least a hundred times, and one that I have lived.

Addicts lie, addicts manipulate, addicts will tell you...anything...to get what they want..in that moment in time, then two days later, it is a whole new story, first they love you, then they hate you, then they boo hoo and beg, then they attack and abuse, then the cycle starts all over again. It is all pure insanity.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, lots of great information at your fingertips.

Might be time to hop off the rollercoaster ride from h#ll and go no contact for life. You deserve so much better. Take care of you.
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Old 01-15-2013, 06:37 PM
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Hi Angel! Welcome to SR. I know this doesn't help a single bit - but you could have been writing my script too - almost verbatim. Almost EXACTLY what I went through / going through too. My God are all addicts the SAME????? The selfhisness. The behaviour pattern is text book. I just didn't know all the time if the disappearance acts are because he is using or off with other women. Probably all of the above. Angel, keep posting here. Have a look through my threads. Especially 'Liar, Liar, Range Rover on Fire'.... and all of the rest - it's your story. Read the brilliant replies from the wiser members on this forum to me (Englishgarden, Anne, Vale, Angie, Interrupted and team).
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Old 01-15-2013, 06:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Angel1234 View Post
...A few nights before he was supposed to be at my home but of course didnít come over and when I questioned him about it and got upset because we needed to plan for our trip, he lashed out (rage Ė typical), turned it around on me for being upset (projection Ė typical) and gave me the silent treatment (typical Ė Iím high).

He knew I was sticking my neck out for him and hoping we could just have a ďnormalĒ family life. He and my sister were great friends in the past but she wanted nothing to do with him after the last few years.

It was crazy. I went to his house the next morning and literally he got up and yelled at me to get out of his house. This was Xmas Eve!! What the hell! Three days prior to that we were having a great time on vacation and now this?

Mind you, this entire time off and on for a few weeks, he kept telling me that his gift to me was an iPad which he never by the way gave me


He begged and pleaded for me to talk to him. I mean BEGGED, the I love you and I want to explain everything, why Iím afraid, etc. ...... So, I call around 10pm. Of course no answer. ..... I get a response later in the day going into GREAT DETAIL about how sick he was, that he was coming down with something horrible

.....the response was of course ďyouíre my problem, youíre my only problem in life, get out!Ē and stormed out of his bedroom.

There was no doubt in my mind at that point that this person is A. mentally ill and B. had to be on drugs again.

This is horrible. I feel so embarrassed. How does a human being behave like this? How? How does someone look you in the eyes and lie and then the next second turn on you and make you feel like you are nothing, blame everything on you, rage at you, and treat you so viciously?
Dear Angel

I can't believe I am actually smiling at some of what you wrote. I am actually laughing - and it is more out of nerves. No disrespect to you at all - and I am not belittling for one moment what you are writing about. I think I am laughing at myself. What a fool I have been. If it wasn't all so tragic it would actually be halarious. I swear H has done, said the IDENTICLE things!!!! They must all come from the planet. The planet of "LUNATICS, SELFISH BASTARDS UNITED"!!!!!!
If you read my posts you will see that I experienced exactly what you are going through. Xmas time too - he just never pitched at MY family's Xmas eve dinner. They too were extremely anxious about it all... he put on the brilliant show the week leading to Xmas. Perfectly behaved. Charming. Gorgeous. Promises of gifts - and always extravagant. About a week later (when he was trying to win me back) he asked if I liked my gift. He never arrived. No phone call. Nothing. When I spoke to him a few days later (like the fool I am), I told him I was hurt he never gave me anything - he didn't blink, he said 'Oh, I sent my driver to your house with your gift'. The lie rolled off his tongue like sugared honey.Over the days he Never answered my calls, just never responded. And up and till Xmas eve I had seen him every single day. We had positive time together. Clean fun. And then overnight the wheels came off. I was so hurt -and of course did the stupid, weak thing of phoning and phoning - but he never picked up. I honestly believed something had happened. So I too went round to his house (a few days after) and there he was, lazing in the sun, next to the pool - with not a care in the world. He didn't really apologise. Just mumbled something about being under 'huge pressure' (aren't they all) - and how he had been unwell. I find out a few days later that he had gone out of town for Xmas, had a huge party with a whole bunch of people I don't know.
Then of course the tears, the promises of undying love - this is of course days later....
I just can't take it anymore. It has taken me years and years to finally start to detach and go no -contact. Just take it one day at a time.... read as much as you can here.... SR will really help - I promise!! But it is up to you. Only YOU know when you are truly ready to get off the crazy wheel that spins us into hell. Believe me, as you will see when you read my threads, I have taken 30 steps forward and 50 back. So be patient with yourself. It doesn't happen over night.
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Old 01-15-2013, 07:01 PM
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I have been reading the stickys. I understand now that all their stories are similar. I just still don't know what to say. It's just such a selfish way to act. If he wanted to go off and ruin yourself with drugs, all the more power to him, but then to stick around my life and lie to me and try and make me think I'm the crazy one who deserves that behavior because I'm irrational? It's selfish!

So the end of the story is even better. In the past a long time ago before rehab I did reach out to his family a few times when I realized he was going off the deep end. He was in bad shape. They thanked me over and over again for helping him. Fast forward a year. When I had his phone the other day I saw his dad called so I called him back, told him what happened with the texts and said he was going over there. TOld me I shouldn't have taken his phone.

An hour later, I get several calls from my ex from his dad's number screaming at me, asking me if I was home, saying that was his property, he would call police, just going crazy on me. I hung up and didn't answer the next few calls. I let the situation difuse. Called his dad back. His father accused me of being a liar, that these texts didn't exist in the phone and they could drug test him to prove it. Um, ok. I said I swore on my father's own grave I would never make something like that up. He seriously called me a "bit---h". I could NOT believe it. I hung up, blocked all of them. Every last one of them, their cells, their home numbers, their work numbers. Everything.

I'm just now angry at myself for falling for this once again. Enough is enough. He will never chage. I need to accept that. I don't believe he will quit using any time soon and even if he did, WAY too much damage has been done. I do believe there is also an underlying mental health issue such as borderline personality disorder. He exhibits many of the traits. But then again, it's hard to tell whats BPD and what's abusive drug addict behavior. He's told so many lies, I don't know if one honest thing ever came out of his mouth in two years.

Thanks, I will read your posts.
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Old 01-15-2013, 07:02 PM
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Lara - yes, that is so similar it's almost creepy.
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Old 01-15-2013, 07:33 PM
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The family! Oh they don't ever want to hear it, I am in the same boat as far as the family not believing me and turning the situation my husband is in (drugs/alcohol) all on me.
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Old 01-15-2013, 07:57 PM
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Welcome,

I am also new hear and going through the same thing .. my husbands drug of choice were pills... the lying.. disapearing is all too familiar.. They are very selfish while they are using and it took me a long time to even realize my husband was an addict and of course I felt guilty as if I knew sooner I coulda did something to stop it from getting worse.. but know you are not crazy.. you are not wrong and I have done the same thing looking though the phone.. although he got smart and deletes all of them but honestly most addicts r too inlove with the drugs to go looking for another woman.. atleast thats how i feel with my husband.. it consumes their life.. I'm not sure of whatI am doing but I have no control over him you have no control over it.. but you have control over your own life... you create your destiny... there is happiness and everyone deserves it
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Old 01-15-2013, 08:26 PM
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Thank you for all the information in this thread as it continues. It is so helpful to me, though it makes my heart race.

Angel1234, welcome to SR. How well I and others understand the feelings of embarrassment. But when we all share our stories and we all see the real picture, the embarrassment starts to dissolve and becomes replaced with savvy.

I was never much for the Internet. I don't know what a chat room, a Twitter, a Facebook is all about. I don't even know how to cut and paste.

But I thank God for SoberRecovery. My mind could have cracked completely without it the past few years.
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Old 01-15-2013, 09:20 PM
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Hi Angel,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. Being with an addict is like being with two totally different people, the sober person and the one on drugs.

It's a lot easier for him to blame you than to actually face the consequences of his actions. It sounds like he's not ready to quit using and will lash out at anyone that stands in his way. You deserve so much better than this.

Hugs
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Old 01-16-2013, 06:33 AM
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Welcome to SR.....you are like most of us here in the F&F forum. We've put up with a whole lot of crap from the addicts in our lives.....and sometimes.......we keep going back for more.

One of things that I notice about myself and others who love addicts is that we begin to mirror the addicts behavior and do things that are not characteristic of ourselves. The addicts do to us what drugs do to the addict. The addict is our drug of choice. There is no other way to explain why we do what WE do.

We can't change the addict. It's simply not possible. There is absolutely nothing we will say or do that will flip them into a normal, loving, consistent, human. Nothing.

Addicts do play out the same handbook.....and so do we.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Once we let go of the hope that the addict will change and concentrate on what we can change (ourselves), things get miraculously better.

We've all been where you are.....the stories may vary slightly, the players are different but the dance is the same.

So......what are you going to do today to nurture yourself? You've taken a great step coming to SR.....there is a lot of collective wisdom here. Welcome....you aren't alone....each and every one of us understand the insanity of loving someone in active addiction.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-16-2013, 07:15 AM
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Thank you everyone. My next step is to just day by day continue with no contact. You are right. I kept saying at the end to myself I can't believe I am behaving this way. This is out of character for me. WHY am I behaving this crazy and putting up with this. It was pure insanity over the last few weeks, just pure insanity.

Step one was joining here. Step two, NEVER break the no contact rule again. I've done the no contact only to go back so many times to the same thing.....lies, manipulations, and drugs. I went three months of no contact and was starting to feel normal again. I'm not going to kid myself and think I will get over this overnight. It will take time to feel like I used to feel before I let this person in my life. But I know it will get better even though it feels so cruel and hurtful right now.

I will keep reading your posts and your replies. Again, I've blocked not only him but his entire family, their work numbers, etc. From what I've learned they are the biggest enablers I've ever met in my life. They've let him steal from their company, lie to their face, believe in his lies, accept rotten behavior and rages, etc. He's their problem now.
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