Very Sad Update
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East Coast of Florida
Posts: 61
Very Sad Update
My daughter was ROR'd from jail just before Christmas after serving almost a year in the county jail for several felony cases resulting from her roxy use. She called me at midnight one night, telling me that she was out. The judge granted her a Quarterman's release to my address pending her sentencing today, believing that my daughter had obtained my permission to live here. No one from the court had informed me or contacted me.
I let her come though I had told her many times in jail that I would only let her live with me again if she was in treatment. It was Christmas and she had nowhere else to go. She lived with me from before Christmas to today. Jail was no wakeup call for her. She helped around the house for a few days but that soon stopped. I never gave her a dime but gave her a roof over her head and food to eat. She did little else but sleep and hand around, citing extreme anxiety and fatigue from being in jail.
While she was here, her younger sister felt it necessary to lock her bedroom door to even take a shower. We did some family things that were nice and at times it felt like she was still in school perhaps home over the winter holidays. I discovered several times that my belongings had been gone through and things 'borrowed'. She downloaded programs on my computer without my permission. She took letters I had discarded out of the trash. She was verbally abusive and righteously indignant when I objected.
I took her to her sentencing today. She seemed unconcerned that she might go back to jail, and although I've been telling her that she could not live here if her sentencing didn't include more jail time, she didn't seem to get it. I didn't let her know that the state attorney had contacted me last week, asked me how things were going, and asked if I would speak to the judge. I was afraid she would abscond or worse yet, do something to myself or my home. I sat with her in the courtroom until her public defender came to get her.
An elderly lady from whom she had stolen got up and testified against her, saying that she did not feel safe in her own house and that my daughter had stolen heirlooms that were priceless to her. My daughter's father, my ex, was also a victim (credit card and check fraud) and had to speak to the court. The judge asked him about my daughter's drug use and my ex gave vague answers although he knows everything. He still doesn't want to be the bad guy.
Then the state called me to the stand and asked me to testify about the last few weeks and tell the judge what my wishes were for her sentencing. I told the judge that she had not had my permission to live with me when she was ROR'd and that if the court released her on time served that she could not live with me. I said that we had been living under lock and key, that my daughter had told me that she did not trust me and that the feeling was mutual. I told the judge that I felt that my daughter would continue using and committing crimes and that I didn't feel she would seek treatment voluntarily and asked that the court remand her to a facility for dual diagnosis evaluation. I said that I would rather my daughter hate me than end up dead. All this in front of my daughter who, because I was there with her, obviously felt that I was "on her side". On the way to court, she had told me that if the court ordered her to go to drug treatment, she would abscond. I didn't tell this to the judge, but probably would have had they not remanded her to jail.
The judge remanded her to jail because she had nowhere to live until a bed becomes available at the drug treatment facility. This could take months. Following inpatient treatment for 6 months or more, she is to make restitution of thousands of dollars. She will be serving community control as a drug offender for 2 years, followed by 3 years of drug offender probation. Community control means that she can only leave her place of residence to go to work or do things like grocery shopping and only then with permission. She cannot leave the county or do anything recreational.
As my daughter left the courtroom in handcuffs, she passed in front of me, turned her head, and mouthed "**** you". This was seen by the state attorney, who alerted the judge and asked that this be placed on record. She had to say to the whole court, "your honor, I asked that it be placed on record that the defendant upon leaving the courtroom, told her mother "**** you". When I got to my car, I looked in her purse and found a syringe and a spoon.
I felt that I was doing the right thing, that it was my last chance to try to get help for my daughter, but now I am overcome with guilt. I betrayed my daughter and sent her to jail. She will never forgive me. Her father could have supported me in court by asking for the same thing, but he chose to be silent. He did the same thing the whole time she was growing up; undermining my efforts to get her help before it got to this point. He never wants to be the bad guy. I am a mess.
Sorry for the long post- just had to talk to somebody. I wish I could hole up in a cave somewhere and never come out.
I let her come though I had told her many times in jail that I would only let her live with me again if she was in treatment. It was Christmas and she had nowhere else to go. She lived with me from before Christmas to today. Jail was no wakeup call for her. She helped around the house for a few days but that soon stopped. I never gave her a dime but gave her a roof over her head and food to eat. She did little else but sleep and hand around, citing extreme anxiety and fatigue from being in jail.
While she was here, her younger sister felt it necessary to lock her bedroom door to even take a shower. We did some family things that were nice and at times it felt like she was still in school perhaps home over the winter holidays. I discovered several times that my belongings had been gone through and things 'borrowed'. She downloaded programs on my computer without my permission. She took letters I had discarded out of the trash. She was verbally abusive and righteously indignant when I objected.
I took her to her sentencing today. She seemed unconcerned that she might go back to jail, and although I've been telling her that she could not live here if her sentencing didn't include more jail time, she didn't seem to get it. I didn't let her know that the state attorney had contacted me last week, asked me how things were going, and asked if I would speak to the judge. I was afraid she would abscond or worse yet, do something to myself or my home. I sat with her in the courtroom until her public defender came to get her.
An elderly lady from whom she had stolen got up and testified against her, saying that she did not feel safe in her own house and that my daughter had stolen heirlooms that were priceless to her. My daughter's father, my ex, was also a victim (credit card and check fraud) and had to speak to the court. The judge asked him about my daughter's drug use and my ex gave vague answers although he knows everything. He still doesn't want to be the bad guy.
Then the state called me to the stand and asked me to testify about the last few weeks and tell the judge what my wishes were for her sentencing. I told the judge that she had not had my permission to live with me when she was ROR'd and that if the court released her on time served that she could not live with me. I said that we had been living under lock and key, that my daughter had told me that she did not trust me and that the feeling was mutual. I told the judge that I felt that my daughter would continue using and committing crimes and that I didn't feel she would seek treatment voluntarily and asked that the court remand her to a facility for dual diagnosis evaluation. I said that I would rather my daughter hate me than end up dead. All this in front of my daughter who, because I was there with her, obviously felt that I was "on her side". On the way to court, she had told me that if the court ordered her to go to drug treatment, she would abscond. I didn't tell this to the judge, but probably would have had they not remanded her to jail.
The judge remanded her to jail because she had nowhere to live until a bed becomes available at the drug treatment facility. This could take months. Following inpatient treatment for 6 months or more, she is to make restitution of thousands of dollars. She will be serving community control as a drug offender for 2 years, followed by 3 years of drug offender probation. Community control means that she can only leave her place of residence to go to work or do things like grocery shopping and only then with permission. She cannot leave the county or do anything recreational.
As my daughter left the courtroom in handcuffs, she passed in front of me, turned her head, and mouthed "**** you". This was seen by the state attorney, who alerted the judge and asked that this be placed on record. She had to say to the whole court, "your honor, I asked that it be placed on record that the defendant upon leaving the courtroom, told her mother "**** you". When I got to my car, I looked in her purse and found a syringe and a spoon.
I felt that I was doing the right thing, that it was my last chance to try to get help for my daughter, but now I am overcome with guilt. I betrayed my daughter and sent her to jail. She will never forgive me. Her father could have supported me in court by asking for the same thing, but he chose to be silent. He did the same thing the whole time she was growing up; undermining my efforts to get her help before it got to this point. He never wants to be the bad guy. I am a mess.
Sorry for the long post- just had to talk to somebody. I wish I could hole up in a cave somewhere and never come out.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
I'm really sorry you had to go through this newimage.
Try and remember you didn't put her in jail - the State did - and they did because her actions, her behaviour bought her to court.
You have a right to protect yourself, your property and the rest of your family.
I hope she finds her way - one day she may thank you.
D
Try and remember you didn't put her in jail - the State did - and they did because her actions, her behaviour bought her to court.
You have a right to protect yourself, your property and the rest of your family.
I hope she finds her way - one day she may thank you.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
((((NewImagine)))). You did the right thing. Please know that. The disease of addiction always fights for itself. It doesn't care who gets hurt as long as it gets fed. I hope your daughter gets the help she needs.
Love from Lenina
Love from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
NewImage,
I am so deeply sorry. We have many parents on this forum and they will share their compassion and experience with you.
In the 12-Step program, a phrase I have heard many times among recovering people is "the greatest good for the greatest number."
I learned that the addict does not get to be the most important person in the family. The addict does not get to take the entire family down.
You did the right thing. Please do not be alone with your grief.
I am very glad you are sharing your experience here. So many people will read your words. They will feel less alone. And validated.
God bless you. I pray for your entire family's highest good.
I am so deeply sorry. We have many parents on this forum and they will share their compassion and experience with you.
In the 12-Step program, a phrase I have heard many times among recovering people is "the greatest good for the greatest number."
I learned that the addict does not get to be the most important person in the family. The addict does not get to take the entire family down.
You did the right thing. Please do not be alone with your grief.
I am very glad you are sharing your experience here. So many people will read your words. They will feel less alone. And validated.
God bless you. I pray for your entire family's highest good.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
a mothers worst nightmare. i hope that if i am ever faced with this situation that i will remember your strength to protect your family, yourself, and your daughter. with any luck one day your daughter will see what you did was out of love for her. but please be kind to yourself. what you did today was very courageous (even though you may not feel it)
hugs
hugs
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
You did NOT betray her!
You may have saved her life! Please do not beat yourself up over your decision to be honest with the judge. Since you found that stuff in her purse it should be clear that jail time is EXACTLY what she needs.
I hope that both you and your other daughter can now live w/o fear.
I cant imagine EVER telling my Mother (god rest her soul) "**** you!" She was obviously high and not thinking correctly when she did that. Hopefully she can find some clarity and the strength to seek the help she needs to get clean.
God Bless you.
I hope that both you and your other daughter can now live w/o fear.
I cant imagine EVER telling my Mother (god rest her soul) "**** you!" She was obviously high and not thinking correctly when she did that. Hopefully she can find some clarity and the strength to seek the help she needs to get clean.
God Bless you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
My heart goes out to you.
My daughter is about to be released on parole for the 3rd time.
Always remember....you are her parent....not her friend.
And you were in a court of law and expected to tell the truth.
Stand loud and proud mama.....You have alot more clout if you own it and stand firm that you did the right thing.
If it's any easier...consider what would have happened if you didn't tell the court the truth and what you felt. She would still be out there in active addiction. Could you have lived with yourself then? Of course not.....
You did good girl.......It was hard...but you did the right thing.
My daughter is about to be released on parole for the 3rd time.
Always remember....you are her parent....not her friend.
And you were in a court of law and expected to tell the truth.
Stand loud and proud mama.....You have alot more clout if you own it and stand firm that you did the right thing.
If it's any easier...consider what would have happened if you didn't tell the court the truth and what you felt. She would still be out there in active addiction. Could you have lived with yourself then? Of course not.....
You did good girl.......It was hard...but you did the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Newimage,
If I may be so bold....the entity that turned to you on the way out of the
courtroom and said "F*** You" was not your daughter.
It was the face of evil.Angry beyond words that you showed the spine to
NOT be a party to the destruction of your daughter.
As far as those others,who want to be the "good guy"..... weakness is part of
the human condition.No one has any respect for those who fold under pressure.
A subset that (evidently) does not include you.
If I may be so bold....the entity that turned to you on the way out of the
courtroom and said "F*** You" was not your daughter.
It was the face of evil.Angry beyond words that you showed the spine to
NOT be a party to the destruction of your daughter.
As far as those others,who want to be the "good guy"..... weakness is part of
the human condition.No one has any respect for those who fold under pressure.
A subset that (evidently) does not include you.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
NewImage - You told the truth from a place of love, concern and compassion. That is so admirable. You took the hard but needed road, her father took the easy road, not too hard too!!
That girl who walked away today....is not your daughter. She is being held hostage by an evil poison in her brain. The only way to save her and set her free is to do what you did today. God Bless you for loving her enough!! Her addiction may hate you but she never will.
My prayers are with you and your daughter.
That girl who walked away today....is not your daughter. She is being held hostage by an evil poison in her brain. The only way to save her and set her free is to do what you did today. God Bless you for loving her enough!! Her addiction may hate you but she never will.
My prayers are with you and your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 577
so sad, and so inspiring that you were able to do this right thing.
as a recovering addict with 3 young sons, I am afraid that the odds are I will be dealing with something similar someday.
thank you for sharing your experience.
as a recovering addict with 3 young sons, I am afraid that the odds are I will be dealing with something similar someday.
thank you for sharing your experience.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Newimage: I'm so sorry you don't have the support of your ex. I do hope that you have a plan to seek support for yourself otherwise. I realize the experience is gut-wrenching and give you credit for doing the right thing.
You know the path she was on; keep this in mind when guilt starts creeping in. Think of the alternative, if she was set free and left to her own devices.
Six months short of my son turning 18, my husband and I worked with our county in a program to set up a court hearing, with the intent of seeking involuntary commitment to a dual-diagnosis facility as well as filing charges against my son for stealing from us, destruction of our property, etc.; a 90-day stay at DD facility was decided with probation, outpatient treatment, and son being ordered to make restitution, all following discharge.
My son did not realize until we were in court exactly what was going on. As he was ordered to commitment, I watched him flip off the judge right before he was handcuffed and lead out of court; at that time, my grief came spilling out.
Afterwards, I did do some second guessing but once the dust settled, knew it was the right decision; though, I did not have to do it alone.
Take care and keep us posted. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Originally Posted by Newimage 
I told the judge that I felt that my daughter would continue using and committing crimes and that I didn't feel she would seek treatment voluntarily and asked that the court remand her to a facility for dual diagnosis evaluation. I said that I would rather my daughter hate me than end up dead.
Six months short of my son turning 18, my husband and I worked with our county in a program to set up a court hearing, with the intent of seeking involuntary commitment to a dual-diagnosis facility as well as filing charges against my son for stealing from us, destruction of our property, etc.; a 90-day stay at DD facility was decided with probation, outpatient treatment, and son being ordered to make restitution, all following discharge.
My son did not realize until we were in court exactly what was going on. As he was ordered to commitment, I watched him flip off the judge right before he was handcuffed and lead out of court; at that time, my grief came spilling out.
Afterwards, I did do some second guessing but once the dust settled, knew it was the right decision; though, I did not have to do it alone.
Take care and keep us posted. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
When I reached the end of your original post, I could only think about the phrase "speak truth to power" and feel admiration for your strength and courage. Silence or non-action only feeds oppression, so by confronting it you've started the process of dismantling it, although your daughter's illness is her own problem to overcome.
You protected yourself, you protected your other daughter, and you made a clear, unequivocal statement about what is permissible in your life and what is not. Thank you for providing me with inspiration.
You protected yourself, you protected your other daughter, and you made a clear, unequivocal statement about what is permissible in your life and what is not. Thank you for providing me with inspiration.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Newimage,
Oh sweet lady! I said prayers for you that God give you comfort and heal you and your daughters relationship and give you the ability to continue to live your life and grow strong in your journey and efforts to live a healthy life dispite what happens around you! I also pray for God to remove the guilt you feel and replace it with peace!
Im so very sorry you have had to make some really painful choices and live through some of a mothers worst fears! Its not fair and it would make most feel angry and sorrowful to say the least! Its not what we signed up for when we held our child after carrying them for 9 months! We would at that moment never dream in our wildest dreams we would one day be faced with the horrors of what addiction would do to them!
You absolutely did not cause this, you can not control this nor can you cure this! What you can do is pray for your daughter and continue to love her by taking care of you and making the very painful choices you feel are best for your life and home and her which you did!
Your courage is to be commended, what you did took a overwhelming amout of strength and courage to do what you thought was best. Allowing her to experience the painful consequences for her actions and choices! You did not throw a cushion under her to soften the fall! That to my dear is love! You love your daughter enough to step back and allow her to experience the pain of letting go and allowing her the dignity to live her life and experience her life choices as a adult. That goes against our motherly instincts to protect our children from harm, pain, etc... when they are children that's what we do, as adults we have to step back and let them find their own jourey and rely on a different source to protect them! They need to figure it out without our help and learn to rely on their higher power! If we interfere how will they learn?
Your daughter is angry (her addiction) is angry! Her self will is pissed and wants what she wants, she is clearly using and the serenity of knowing she is not while she is in jail can comfort you! As difficult as it is so much eaiser said than done, don't take it personal, what she says or does! That's why in my opinion its so important for you to keep going to meetings, to keep you strong and continue to grow and understand and heal!
What you did just might have helped to save her life! So take a deep breath and trust your gut! Rest in the knowingness of her safety and drugfree life right now!
Continuing to pray for her awarness and understanding of her journey and the recovery from addiction! And the continued courage you have to do what you can!
Oh sweet lady! I said prayers for you that God give you comfort and heal you and your daughters relationship and give you the ability to continue to live your life and grow strong in your journey and efforts to live a healthy life dispite what happens around you! I also pray for God to remove the guilt you feel and replace it with peace!
Im so very sorry you have had to make some really painful choices and live through some of a mothers worst fears! Its not fair and it would make most feel angry and sorrowful to say the least! Its not what we signed up for when we held our child after carrying them for 9 months! We would at that moment never dream in our wildest dreams we would one day be faced with the horrors of what addiction would do to them!
You absolutely did not cause this, you can not control this nor can you cure this! What you can do is pray for your daughter and continue to love her by taking care of you and making the very painful choices you feel are best for your life and home and her which you did!
Your courage is to be commended, what you did took a overwhelming amout of strength and courage to do what you thought was best. Allowing her to experience the painful consequences for her actions and choices! You did not throw a cushion under her to soften the fall! That to my dear is love! You love your daughter enough to step back and allow her to experience the pain of letting go and allowing her the dignity to live her life and experience her life choices as a adult. That goes against our motherly instincts to protect our children from harm, pain, etc... when they are children that's what we do, as adults we have to step back and let them find their own jourey and rely on a different source to protect them! They need to figure it out without our help and learn to rely on their higher power! If we interfere how will they learn?
Your daughter is angry (her addiction) is angry! Her self will is pissed and wants what she wants, she is clearly using and the serenity of knowing she is not while she is in jail can comfort you! As difficult as it is so much eaiser said than done, don't take it personal, what she says or does! That's why in my opinion its so important for you to keep going to meetings, to keep you strong and continue to grow and understand and heal!
What you did just might have helped to save her life! So take a deep breath and trust your gut! Rest in the knowingness of her safety and drugfree life right now!
Continuing to pray for her awarness and understanding of her journey and the recovery from addiction! And the continued courage you have to do what you can!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Courage.......that's the word that keeps coming up in every response. Courage. I also want to commend you for your courage.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
What you did took enormous courage and you had the wisdom to understand that.....now I pray that you can rest and find serenity in your decision.
I hear the residual guilt in your post. The guilt that we, as mothers, carry needlessly. Let it go and know that you told the truth. There is nothing more dangerous to addiction than truth and consequences. The words that she spat at you came from the addict....not your dear daughter. In a way, that action validated you.......be grateful. That was addiction screaming because it took a blow......you showed strength......and addiction doesn't like that.
Whether you saved her life is yet to be determined......but you did the right thing for yourself, your daughter (whom you love more than she will ever know), other family members, and those who were victimized by her.
This stuff is so hard on a mother's heart. You and your dear daughter will be in my prayers. I hope that this becomes an opportunity for her to change her life.
gentlest of hugs from another mother
ke
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
What you did took enormous courage and you had the wisdom to understand that.....now I pray that you can rest and find serenity in your decision.
I hear the residual guilt in your post. The guilt that we, as mothers, carry needlessly. Let it go and know that you told the truth. There is nothing more dangerous to addiction than truth and consequences. The words that she spat at you came from the addict....not your dear daughter. In a way, that action validated you.......be grateful. That was addiction screaming because it took a blow......you showed strength......and addiction doesn't like that.
Whether you saved her life is yet to be determined......but you did the right thing for yourself, your daughter (whom you love more than she will ever know), other family members, and those who were victimized by her.
This stuff is so hard on a mother's heart. You and your dear daughter will be in my prayers. I hope that this becomes an opportunity for her to change her life.
gentlest of hugs from another mother
ke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
New Image,
I am new on this site but am also having to take a stand against addiction in my child's life. It is a very tough spot to be in. What you did took great courage and may ultimately save your daughter's life. As shaken as you are...you can rest assured that contributing to her freedom at this point in her disease would have done you a huge disservice. You would be wrestling with the "other" side of guilty feelings. What if something happened to her because you weren't honest with the judge? You have inspired others through your strength. We do share your pain and understand your struggling.
On a lighter note....I'm guessing that judge, as well as others in the courtroom, thought to themselves "Wow...now there is a parent who "get's it"....one who is willing to take a stand".
I am very proud of you. Big hug to you....
Lizwig
I am new on this site but am also having to take a stand against addiction in my child's life. It is a very tough spot to be in. What you did took great courage and may ultimately save your daughter's life. As shaken as you are...you can rest assured that contributing to her freedom at this point in her disease would have done you a huge disservice. You would be wrestling with the "other" side of guilty feelings. What if something happened to her because you weren't honest with the judge? You have inspired others through your strength. We do share your pain and understand your struggling.
On a lighter note....I'm guessing that judge, as well as others in the courtroom, thought to themselves "Wow...now there is a parent who "get's it"....one who is willing to take a stand".
I am very proud of you. Big hug to you....
Lizwig
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