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Confused and out of Hope

Old 10-17-2012, 12:06 AM
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Confused and out of Hope

Hello all,

I am new and after, reading so many post that sound like mine, I felt comfortable enough to write my story, My Bf is an addict/alcoholic.
I have lived with this realization for the last 5 months in denial, but now it is clearly evident.
When I met S he was a handsome, professional with so much ambition, I was clearly smitten and fell fast, but slowly that all changed, It started with pay day loans, he started taking out so many and I never could figure out where all the money went, being absent from work,

Signs that were obvious, but I was blinded by being naive, and In love.
In the last 5 months he has been arrested, twice for drunk in public and hospitalized,
the first he had over dosed on adivant he took a month supply and drank on top of that, he was hallucinating and I did not want him to in danger himself, So I rushed over to help
Unfortunately he had made a scene and cops were called, He was placed in a 5150 hold and transported to the hospital, nothing was done, because he talked his way out and was released, Then came the promises , "It will never happen" "I'm sorry" and I fell for it .
Then he tried to turn the guilt on me, I had 1 friend that I confided in, there was no way I was going to tell my family, S had snooped in my phone while I was showering and since that friend was male, he automatically assumed I was cheating and went on another drinking binge, This time humiliating me on Facebook to my friends and family.
after long talks we reconciled and I forgave him, stop talking to the one friend I confided in and two months later, another set back, we are at square one, the lying, the binging. after a week I went to see him, he seemed paranoid, seeing and hearing things, I was worried so I stayed with him, That is when he had his seizure, It was the scarest thing I have ever dealt with, I swear I though he was dying, I called 911 and he was transported to the hospital. I remember begging God not to take him, not yet,
It turned out to be caused by delirium tremens, because of his heavy drinking
5 jaager bottles large costco bottles in 5 days.
after the Dr clearly stated he could die the next time, Then came the promises, the appologies, and the promise of getting help. The following week I had to leave out of town for work, he talked to me every day, then the last day nothing, no call, he wasn't there at the airport to pick me up and, as you guessed, back on the binge.
He doesnt have much family, His dad has written him off, when I told him he was at the hospital, he said I expected him dead months ago..
This man walked into my life and turned it upside down, He was everything I had asked for, and he is sick, I know I can't save him, and I'm trying with all I have not to let him or his illness consume me, I feel alone because I certainly cannot tell my family, because they will not understand,
I don't know what else to do, he is incoherent now as he is on a binge, I pray every night for him, I miss the man I once knew, I miss my best friend.
Thanks for letting me vent ..
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Old 10-17-2012, 12:43 AM
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welcome and i hope you find the answers and the strength you need to get yourself through this.

i met and fell for a guy who was a drug and alcoholic (even though he would never admit that he was either of those things...he just occasionally did acid and drank A LOT). after finding SR i realised that this was not the life i wanted for myself or my children, so the people on this site gave me the strength and the knowledge i needed to walk out of the train wreck that i was heading for. this man too was successful in his profession, and seemed to have his life together. dont ever give up your friends for someone, unless that friend is a negative influence. and please dont shut your family out. you may find that at least one of them will be more supportive than you are giving them credit for.

good luck.
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Old 10-17-2012, 01:09 AM
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As hard as it may be it will only get harder.Believe me.You dont have children with this man and your future is wide open.Dont wait believing the lies and is that much harder and children are victims as well.If I knew before 5 kids and 10 years of marriage this was what was going to be my life (now 6 kids becasue I believed promises after a yr sober) after 17 yrs marriage I NEVER would have signed up.It has hurt me and the kids so badly.
Im not saying this man will never be ok but he will always be an alcoholic sober or not.Do you want to live with this?
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Old 10-17-2012, 01:13 AM
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Welcome, there is lots of support & information here for you.
One thing in your post really hit home & that was the delerium tremens.
I just remembered a moment with my alcoholic boyfriend where he had been drinking heavily alone, I was real worried as had been acting strange & when I saw him he seemed to have voices & all sorts going on in his head. I would never have guessed that was what it was as I knew so little about alcoholism.
He was on antidepressents & had stopped taking them so could've been this too.
SR is great & I have possibly just learnt something from you also.
Keep reading as much as you can.
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Old 10-17-2012, 10:01 PM
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Welcome to SR. I hope the forum can be of support to you in this crisis you face.

Your abf does not need any enablers in his life. The worst thing in the world for him will be anyone who tolerates his refusal to get clean and sober --by all means necessary--and who is willing to ride the roller coaster of addiction with him. Enablers help addicts kill themselves. They do not cause the addiction and they cannot control or cure it. But they can definitely smooth the way for its continuance.

It is very common for the new girlfriend of addicts/alcoholics to assume a feeling of protectiveness and even pride because she is standing by him when everyone else has "written him off." She usually does not know that family members who draw firm boundaries with addicts/alcoholics are expressing the highest form of love possible, as it is extremely painful for family members to draw those boundaries and they do it because they know it is necessary to the addict/alcoholic's potential bottom.

It is hopelessness that sends addicts into recovery. It is not girlfriends in waiting rooms of hospital emergency rooms. Those girlfriends almost always--in the early months, anyway--tell the addict that he will get well, she will help him, they'll go to meetings together, she will never leave him, she will not abandon him like everyone else in his life has abandoned him. She does not realize how sick he is, how damaged his brain is, how out of control his thinking and behavior have become. She usually knows little to nothing about the disease of addiction and she usually does all the wrong things as a result. She is an enabler. Just what he doesn't need.

Already you are being made sick by his addiction. Already you are lying to your loved ones about the reality of his addiction. And you are telling yourself he was "everything I had asked for."

The truth about active addicts is they lie. They pose. They wear a million masks. And they say what works. What hooks. What manipulates. What creates a thrill. A relationship with an active addict is always one of illusion because when we think we are connecting on a profound level.....we are connecting with someone who is loaded. Even if the addict is not apparently intoxicated. His brain is always loaded.

Your abf has to have a year of solid recovery under his belt before you can begin a new relationship with him. The relationship today cannot be sustained.

You can draw that boundary. You can choose to wait and see.

But there is no other solution. He has to be clean and sober.
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Old 10-18-2012, 08:13 PM
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Thank you for all your replies, especially you EnglishGarden,
I was naive and did not know the severity of his addiction, As I read more and realize how sick he is, I know that there is nothing that I can do. I really needed to hear that I am making it worse by enabling him. I needed to hear the truth ,
As much as it hurts I know I have to let him go.
Thank you again, I hoping to regain myself and feel like me again..
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Old 10-18-2012, 08:49 PM
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BB, Please post anytime you need SR feedback, for this is a very painful time and even when we think we have a plan or a goal, confusion or self-doubt or a change of course can set in, and then feedback from recovering codependents is very very helpful. No one here ever expects someone new to relationship with addicts to be anything other than lost and in pain. So please do post anytime. The combined wisdom of the members can help you in any fog.
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Old 10-19-2012, 06:15 PM
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BB, first may I say welcome to SR. I truly hope you find the support you are seeking here and that in some way we can help you walk through this rough time in your life.

I apologize that I have had to remove a number of posts here.

BB, please know that this is not our usual response here, I think perhaps we're having a bad night.

I encourage you to keep sharing.

Hugs

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Last edited by Ann; 10-19-2012 at 07:11 PM.
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Old 10-19-2012, 06:41 PM
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BB welcome to the board! It sounds lke you are already oming to a clearer picture. A relationship with an addict will suck the life out of you as the will of his addiction goes to war against your own will in an attempt to mold you into a support for furthered addiction. We have all been where you are: feeling blindsided, hurt, disappointment, fear, shame, regret. It gets better. Make a gratefulness list of goid things in your life. Then make a positive goal list for the future. See that you have alot of life left to live and enjoy.
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Old 10-20-2012, 11:00 AM
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It's easy to fall in love with our own hopeful fantasies of who we need/want in our lives. "Out of Hope" often means the begining of the reconcilliation between hopeful fantasies and realitiy.

You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

Only he can decide to change his life. Nothing you say or do is going to get or keep him sober. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

Only you can decide to save yourself or allow yourself to be dragged down by him.
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Old 10-21-2012, 09:47 PM
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Whoa, I did see the post that were deleted, This being such a sensitive time, It does stir up emotion,
I'm really trying to be strong, I always have been, I'm the one who keeps it together, I'm the tough one, I'm the one that bounces back . Not this time, I break down at work when no one is around, I cry and yell in my car when I'm driving, before bed, I break down,
I know that I was an enabler, I would show up at his place when he would disappear, clean up the mess, the spilled food and empty bottles, I was the one putting clean clothes on him, why because I was the "noble" woman standing by her man,
Court appearances, emergency rooms, dirty hotel rooms, I'm tired I'm angry, I feel alone. I'm torn, because logically I know he is sick and needs help but . I love him, and I mourn the man that is lost.
All I can do is pray for the strength to get through this, I pray that he finds peace with whatever it is that is tormenting him to drink.
I pray that this pain, this ache subsides,
Can anyone suggest any tools other than this amazing form? I need all the help that is available,
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Old 10-22-2012, 02:43 AM
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Therapy has been very helpful for me. Al Anon and Nar Anon are similar to NA and AA meetings but are for loved ones of addicts. You can get some good in person support at those meetings.
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Old 10-22-2012, 04:05 AM
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BB, I'm sorry you saw those posts but hope you see the support and love here too.

What helped me most to find my balance and build a program of recovery for myself that has seen me through many troubled times, was to go to meetings and learn to work 12 steps that literally saved my life. My home fellowship was CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), but Al-anon and Nar-anon are also wonderful programs, all similar in that they are about US, and not them and their substance. They teach us to find boundaries and courage and inner peace that I didn't even know existed.

It took my a while to set up my own recovery, but until I did my life just kept getting worse and worse. Once I began, it has been better every single day...even the bad ones.

I hope you too can find your balance and the courage to learn how to take care of yourself.

Hugs
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