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Old 10-21-2012, 07:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy

another relapse


Hi everyone. So my boyfriend starting going to NA meetings about 3 weeks ago from his addiction of crack and pills. He was doing good and going every night. But his 2nd week into the meetings he started slacking because the groups weren't relatable to his situation. I went to one open meeting with him to support him and he told me that was the best meeting because the speaker of the night was relatable and was enthusiastic about his experience and wasn't afraid to raise his voice and scream about all the **** he did wrong in his life. Anyways my bf was very happy that he was 3 weeks clean but he relapsed last night.

My heart is just into pieces and I need to leave this relationship. It is causing me bad anxiety and my head is just not in the right place. I'm 20 yrs old, live with my parents and in nursing school and that is time consuming enough, on top of working as a nurse assistant in a hospital. I know I need to break up with him but I am so forgiving and hate fighting so I usually just ignore the fact that he used because I just want to move on and continue living life. Everyone has told me to leave and I even tell myself that but idk when enough will finally be enough for me. If I break up with him I feel fine for a couple of days but then there comes times when I'm alone and get scared because there is no one else around so that's when I start talking to him again. We don't go out on dates because he never has money, doesn't have a job and not going to school. This relationship doesn't benefit me in any way but it benefits him because I'm his rock that keeps him sane and he's dating me in which I have my priorities together. This relationship is pointless because I am not going to marry this guy but its so hard to just let go! He was my high school sweetheart. Crack has turned him into a completely different person with him stealing things to pawn to get cash and his mom caught him about a month ago n he was gonna sell his car for 200 bucks and it makes me SICK that he would sell the only car his family has.

I need serious advice on how a lot of you made it thru leaving the addict and what it took to move on. I'm making myself sick over this. I have attended al anon and it just doesn't work for me because the people are so much older than I am making it very hard to relate.
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Old 10-21-2012, 08:03 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Well, he's not your HS sweetheart anymore. He's an addict and the sooner you cut the cord the better. You must keep yourself safe. You must think of yourself. You must think of your future. In Alanon there are people of all ages and with all different stories, but the funny thing is......the stories really are the same, just differences of names. The people in the rooms have been where you are. Don't dismiss them because they look different from you. What is in their hearts is the same. They can help you....GO BACK.
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Old 10-21-2012, 08:23 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I am very sorry for your pain but there are statistics you should know. Less then 3% of crack addicts recover for life. (some say less) Also, less then 10% of addicts recover life. Cynical One has lots of great information about Crack addiction in her blog.

You won't be able to keep ignoring it. It will progress. You are young, with a bright future ahead of you, please seek some kind of counseling to figure this out and why you are settling for less then you deserve or you may continue to pick the same kind of partners over and over again.

Get healthy now while you are young so your future is bright. I so wish I had!
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Old 10-21-2012, 10:56 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I does not surprise me when an addict relapses. That is what addicts do we do drugs. What is not normal is for an addict not to use. We are going against the grain when we don't use. I haven't used in 7yr. 6mo. I have trying to get this right since 1988. So there is hope for anyone. All you have to do is keep coming back and stick and stay. Good luck. Logo
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Old 10-22-2012, 04:39 AM   #5 (permalink)
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You already know that he is not relationship material, with that said, you are keeping
yourself in a self imposed prison with invisible bars, you hold the key to the door in the palm of your hand and can open it at any time. The longer you stay in this prison, the more isolated you will become.

You are young, start reliving your life, get out with your friends, date others, let him go, he
has nothing to offer you, but pain and heartache.
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Old 10-22-2012, 07:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I copied this from the Stickies at the top of our group, just in case you didn't see it. He's got GREAT advice for you and your situation, FreckleFace. Take care of yourself and see what you can apply to your life from his experience in a similar situation!

ZoSo's Laws for Surviving a Breakup With an Addict

It's been a long time since I've done an original post. Mostly because there's really been nothing to talk about...until tonight.

Tonight, I started graduate school again. I'm currently two courses shy of my MS in Electrical and Computer Engineering. When I was dealing with my AXGF, I was so sick myself that doing that level of work was impossible. In fact, my career took a hit as well. Now that my career's back on track and I've restarted graduate school, I figured a post like this would help Newbies who've been knocked sideways by the actions of their addict boyfriend or girlfriend.

Call it: ZoSo's Laws for Surviving a Breakup With an Addict

1) Decide that you're going to be OK. Let's say hypothetically the addict drops the bomb on you. You're pissed, you're hurt. After everything you've done for them, they pull this. Don't be surprised. He or she is sick. So it can go one of two ways: you can roll over and die, or decide that you're going to get through it. In my case, I woke up two days after the bomb was dropped on me, decided my AXGF did me a favor, and said aloud to myself, I'm gonna be OK. And once you decide that, it's No Contact from that point forward.

2) Accept You're Going to Have Your Down Moments. It's inevitable. You've been betrayed and hurt. This is something you have to face, and this is something you have to accept. The good news is it's not forever. You have to keep pressing forward, tell yourself this is where you are now, admit it sucks, and keep going.

3) Reconnect With Friends. This is important. Very important. Your friends may be pissed at you because you allowed yourself to stay in an unhealthy, compromised situation. Accept their feelings and what they tell you, and acknowledge it to the best of your ability. Enjoy their company. If you're comfortable doing so, share with them what their friendship means to you. However you do that is up to you.

4) Reengage With Your Bliss. What gave you joy before the addict was in your life? For me, it was music and the guitar. My bliss includes my band. There's five of us, and when I'm with them, I'm not an engineer or a student or a codependent. I'm one of the boys and I act like I'm 15. I laugh. I make sick jokes. I torture someone. It's all good...and believe or not, it changes your brain chemistry for the better. Find what you love, do it, and thank God you've got that in your life.

5) Attend Al Anon/Nar Anon Meetings. When you're down in the dumps, it's important you go to meetings. You have to go with an open mind and open ears. There is a high probability that one or more people will share an idea that can turn your day around. These meetings aren't about the addict that left you. They are for you and how you respond when the bomb is dropped on you. Allow others to comfort you in this setting. And offer your support if someone needs it.

6) Recommit to Your Career. When the bomb is dropped on you, you don't want to be at work. You can't concentrate, you're sad, you're angry, and the last thing you want to do is a, b and c. Guess what? Use work as a distraction. Engage with your colleagues. Engage with your boss. Set manageable goals for yourself every day and meet them. Give yourself credit when you do.

7) Pray. Every. Night. If you're in Al Anon, this isn't that foreign. If you're not, read carefully: part of getting well is accepting you have no control over the addict and their behavior. And in that moment of surrender, you turn to a Higher Power to restore yourself to sanity. You can't handle the addict anymore. The pain they've left in their wake is overbearing. Give it to God and let Him shoulder it for you. Thank Him for the gifts and the people you do have in your life. Pray for the addict if you want, too. But do this every day. It helps. Believe me, it helps.

If you do these steps, little by little, hour by hour, day by day, you will reclaim your life. It may take weeks. It may take months. But what you will notice is a good day here and there turns into two good days. Two turns into three. Three turns into four. And the pain, while it's still present, isn't as sharp. You know it's there, you accept it's there, and you sit with it.

One year ago, I was essentially not functioning. I allowed myself, my career, and my education to be hijacked by a person that, in hindsight, only cared about her needs, her wants. She didn't care what I thought, what I needed, what I wanted. Suicide threats, cognitive distortions, lying through her teeth...

...then leaving me for another addict, via text message, while confessing with glee she f**ked two other guys.

Yeah, that hurt.

And guess what? Almost 8 months later, I've got my life back. I've got all of it back. I'm stronger, I'm wiser, I'm more honest with myself...and I recognize my part of what was truly a sick, dysfunctional relationship. It's lessons learned. She gave me a gift.

God Bless.

ZoSo
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Old 10-22-2012, 10:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Most highschool sweethearts don't last and it has nothing to do with drugs and addiction. Some people begin to mature and some people do not. Priorities change or remain the same.

You have career goals. You are in school. You work. You seem to be taking responsibility for yourself.

He's addicted to drugs and that's his priority, right now. He's unemployed.
He's not attending school. He's involved in criminal behaviors. In other words he's irresponsible.

Does it make sense to focus on your own situation and triggers. Being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. What is it you fear?
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Old 10-22-2012, 11:17 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I think breaking up with an addict is like quitting smoking. It is hard, you know it the best thing for you and yet it such a struggle.

It seems like a no brainer but.....it takes determination, strength and changing our behaviors and thinking.
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