BB welcome to the board! It sounds lke you are already oming to a clearer picture. A relationship with an addict will suck the life out of you as the will of his addiction goes to war against your own will in an attempt to mold you into a support for furthered addiction. We have all been where you are: feeling blindsided, hurt, disappointment, fear, shame, regret. It gets better. Make a gratefulness list of goid things in your life. Then make a positive goal list for the future. See that you have alot of life left to live and enjoy.