I really need some encouragement.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
You and your son are in my prayers. It's good you are going to AlAnon, and I hope that looking forward to it tonight means you can also spend time today on yourself and your work and have as normal a day as possible. You are doing all the right things asking him to take the items out of your house, remaining calm (on the outside), and going to a meeting. Take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
llavendar,
Remember just a few weeks ago you were out of town, unavailable to your son and posting how he was "taking care of business" on his own? Maybe you need to make yourself "unavailable" again?!?! You DO NOT need to take a front row seat to his using.
Your son will do whatever he will do whether you are involved or not - it's better on you if you step back and just take care of yourself.
Good luck and keep posting.
Remember just a few weeks ago you were out of town, unavailable to your son and posting how he was "taking care of business" on his own? Maybe you need to make yourself "unavailable" again?!?! You DO NOT need to take a front row seat to his using.
Your son will do whatever he will do whether you are involved or not - it's better on you if you step back and just take care of yourself.
Good luck and keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello LLavendar, I whole heartedly agree with JMF... Don't be the answer to his problems. I have found the more I tried to help (enable) the worse the issue got.
I will never interfere again to the point of giving my son money unless it is for:
1: Medical treatment and antibiotics or medical devices that are NOT pills that get any type of high which include suboxone or methadone.
2: Rehab for 30-90 days tops in which he will need to get a job to pay for all other expenses.
If your son is doing opiates, he will have to hit a hard bottom to find his way out.
I am happy to hear you are getting help and finding support systems.
We are all here for you
Teresa
I will never interfere again to the point of giving my son money unless it is for:
1: Medical treatment and antibiotics or medical devices that are NOT pills that get any type of high which include suboxone or methadone.
2: Rehab for 30-90 days tops in which he will need to get a job to pay for all other expenses.
If your son is doing opiates, he will have to hit a hard bottom to find his way out.
I am happy to hear you are getting help and finding support systems.
We are all here for you
Teresa
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
I'm glad you are going to AlAnon - it truly saved my sanity over the past year - particularly May when my son went out to do more "field work." Ask if they have a phone list of members who are willing to take calls - if they don't, feel free to ask a few people for their phone number. I found being able to pick up the phone and talk through a crisis with someone always helped me to get my bearings back.
You'll get through this.
You'll get through this.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Hi llavendar. I too am a Mother of a 36 yr. old addict/alcoholic son. I can understand what you are going through. I'm so sorry. It all hurts so very much. It does sound like you are dealing with things in the right way. I'm disappointed for you that you had to come home to find him this way when you were feeling so much more positive about him working his recovery. At least you do know that he cares about getting clean & sober. My son doesn't. If he worked his recovery before, you can know that he knows what to do in order to work his recovery again. Every time he works it a while, it will bring him closer to sticking with it longer. That's my humble opinion anyway.
I hope that you'll keep coming back here to share & to read others' shares. I too, am going to an Alanon Meeting tonight, so I'll think of you. I'd love to hear how it goes for you. Hang in there. ************{Caring & Understanding Hugs}}}}}}}}
I hope that you'll keep coming back here to share & to read others' shares. I too, am going to an Alanon Meeting tonight, so I'll think of you. I'd love to hear how it goes for you. Hang in there. ************{Caring & Understanding Hugs}}}}}}}}
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
He might be better off without his car. Sometimes addicts will lend their autos to the dealers for, god knows what, and get a free bag or two. He can also make "drug runs" & help deliver the dope.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It might surprise you to know that already you have shown strength that it took me years to acquire. You know what you saw, you trusted your instinct and you made it clean that drugs and stolen goods are not welcome in your home.
You touched my heart when you shared about the man at the funeral..."you too, maybe?"...the sad reality is that there are many many of us who have lost loved ones to addiction one way or another. I am very selective who I share with and stick with safe places like here or meetings most of the time, but every once in a while I spot one of "us", I'm not sure how I know but I do, and I will share briefly with them too, if for no other reason than to let them know that they are not alone.
You son is in my prayers, all our loved ones are, that one day they will find a better path and learn to stay on it.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
You touched my heart when you shared about the man at the funeral..."you too, maybe?"...the sad reality is that there are many many of us who have lost loved ones to addiction one way or another. I am very selective who I share with and stick with safe places like here or meetings most of the time, but every once in a while I spot one of "us", I'm not sure how I know but I do, and I will share briefly with them too, if for no other reason than to let them know that they are not alone.
You son is in my prayers, all our loved ones are, that one day they will find a better path and learn to stay on it.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Ellensburg, WA
Posts: 10
I am working on it - my first meeting, and being tough.
Thank you, everyone. So much drama - every day he comes up with a new emergency, but I'm not playing the same game anymore.
I went to my first meeting tonight. It was nice, and I'm so glad I went. I almost couldn't find it!
Tonight at nearly midnight my son called saying he had run out of gas - I think I told you he's living in his car. I had earlier cautioned him about running out of gas, because I have no money to give him. He wanted me to put gas in his car, and when I suggested he ask all the people he's been driving around for gas money he wasn't pleased. He ended up at my house, really expecting me to cave in, I'm sure, since I have in the past. I refused to argue with him, but I also refused to give him anything, and I also told him he had to leave because he was getting very angry. At one point right before he left, he was in my face (I was sitting on the sofa), grabbed my shoulders, and was really threatening. I told him to leave my house, and he did. I think he scares himself when he does that. He hasn't been physically abusive in a long time - it's been several months since he was physical with me.
I feel badly for him, because I don't know where he is sleeping tonight, but I have to fight this pity I have for him. I truly believe that he is getting desperate now, and like someone drowning, he will drown me in trying to save himself. I can't pay his consequences.
I wish there were shelters here, but there aren't. At least it isn't freezing yet. I'm thinking he needs to have some time to think about why he's out of gas, and get motivated enough to ask THEM for money.
You are absolutely right! I need to back off. As it turns out, he was making as many horribly self destructive decisions as he was being proactive while I was gone, but now he just wants me to bail him out. I am not going to do it.
I went to my first meeting tonight. It was nice, and I'm so glad I went. I almost couldn't find it!
Tonight at nearly midnight my son called saying he had run out of gas - I think I told you he's living in his car. I had earlier cautioned him about running out of gas, because I have no money to give him. He wanted me to put gas in his car, and when I suggested he ask all the people he's been driving around for gas money he wasn't pleased. He ended up at my house, really expecting me to cave in, I'm sure, since I have in the past. I refused to argue with him, but I also refused to give him anything, and I also told him he had to leave because he was getting very angry. At one point right before he left, he was in my face (I was sitting on the sofa), grabbed my shoulders, and was really threatening. I told him to leave my house, and he did. I think he scares himself when he does that. He hasn't been physically abusive in a long time - it's been several months since he was physical with me.
I feel badly for him, because I don't know where he is sleeping tonight, but I have to fight this pity I have for him. I truly believe that he is getting desperate now, and like someone drowning, he will drown me in trying to save himself. I can't pay his consequences.
I wish there were shelters here, but there aren't. At least it isn't freezing yet. I'm thinking he needs to have some time to think about why he's out of gas, and get motivated enough to ask THEM for money.
You are absolutely right! I need to back off. As it turns out, he was making as many horribly self destructive decisions as he was being proactive while I was gone, but now he just wants me to bail him out. I am not going to do it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
You are doing very well. It is so difficult to detach.
This freaks me out a bit and is unacceptable. Might be time for a clear boundary.
"If ANYONE ever lays a finger on me without my permission, I will call the police."
Originally Posted by llavendar 
At one point right before he left, he was in my face (I was sitting on the sofa), grabbed my shoulders, and was really threatening. I told him to leave my house, and he did. I think he scares himself when he does that. He hasn't been physically abusive in a long time - it's been several months since he was physical with me.
"If ANYONE ever lays a finger on me without my permission, I will call the police."
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
You are doing great. It is so, so hard. So glad you went to your first meeting! (I am "navigationally impaired," so I know what it's like trying to find new places!)
I also agree with what BeavsDad said. I was unnerved to hear about his getting physical with you. Unacceptable under any circumstances. You do your son no favors by allowing abusive behavior, and you do him no harm by enforcing clear, non-negotiable boundaries.
Also, if someone shows up at your home at midnight making demands (or at any other time, for that matter), you are not required to allow them inside. This might, in some cases, mean police involvement--and you may not be ready to initiate that--but it is something to think about.
I am so sorry you are undergoing this. The loving hearts here on SR ache for you and your pain. I pray God grants you a clear head and a calm heart.
Blessings.
I also agree with what BeavsDad said. I was unnerved to hear about his getting physical with you. Unacceptable under any circumstances. You do your son no favors by allowing abusive behavior, and you do him no harm by enforcing clear, non-negotiable boundaries.
Also, if someone shows up at your home at midnight making demands (or at any other time, for that matter), you are not required to allow them inside. This might, in some cases, mean police involvement--and you may not be ready to initiate that--but it is something to think about.
I am so sorry you are undergoing this. The loving hearts here on SR ache for you and your pain. I pray God grants you a clear head and a calm heart.
Blessings.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Enfield, IL
Posts: 45
I can completly relate to your story as my son is about to be living in his car since I can no longer afford to pay his rent and bills. We are doing the rite thing even though our heart breaks and the anxiety at times is unbearable but someone posted here about how would I feel if he overdosed on drugs that he bought with money I gave him. That one sentance really scared me because I know I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that happened. Stay strong
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: san diego
Posts: 1
Hi llavendar,
This is my first time here and when I read your story feels like you are talking about my son. He is 22 and has been using since he was 18.
I have done everything in my power to help him get over the addiction but failed.
Last time he moved an hour away from home, cause his friend who is sober for a while helped him get a great job, I got him a car and also paid for one month of rent so that he could start fresh and sand on his own feet. I thought I will give him a jump start.
after a couple of weeks he lost his job because he was still using and moved out of the place he was living in. according to him " it never his fault ". he told me the reason he lost his job was cause he had a pending court case and once the company found out and let him go. but at the same time he said he found another job and place to live ( another lie ).
two month later I found out that he has been living in his car. I still didn't help him or anything. so now 10 days a go he called me and said he is done with the drugs etc and he wants to fix his life. At first I told him good luck and I am not willing to help then. He showed up at the house begging me to give him another chance at least let him wash his clothes. That night he called his old sponsor and went to the meeting with him. We talked about him going to detox. at first he said he will go. the next day I was planning to take him but I didn't feel he was ready again his sponsor came and took him to another meeting. then the sponsor called and said he is ready to clean up but his is scared so we need to take him to detox that night.
So now its been one week that he is in detox and one more week to go.
I really don't think he should stay home with us because he has a teen sister at home too.
I am looking for a sober living for him but he thinks he can do it by himself and he wants to go to out patient program and go to school.
I wish I knew if this is his bottom or is it going to continue
.
I am so lost .... hard to find a sober living that I can afford and the government supported ones are full.
God help our addicted ones get clean and our clean ones stay clean!!!
last sorry for the long post
This is my first time here and when I read your story feels like you are talking about my son. He is 22 and has been using since he was 18.
I have done everything in my power to help him get over the addiction but failed.
Last time he moved an hour away from home, cause his friend who is sober for a while helped him get a great job, I got him a car and also paid for one month of rent so that he could start fresh and sand on his own feet. I thought I will give him a jump start.
after a couple of weeks he lost his job because he was still using and moved out of the place he was living in. according to him " it never his fault ". he told me the reason he lost his job was cause he had a pending court case and once the company found out and let him go. but at the same time he said he found another job and place to live ( another lie ).
two month later I found out that he has been living in his car. I still didn't help him or anything. so now 10 days a go he called me and said he is done with the drugs etc and he wants to fix his life. At first I told him good luck and I am not willing to help then. He showed up at the house begging me to give him another chance at least let him wash his clothes. That night he called his old sponsor and went to the meeting with him. We talked about him going to detox. at first he said he will go. the next day I was planning to take him but I didn't feel he was ready again his sponsor came and took him to another meeting. then the sponsor called and said he is ready to clean up but his is scared so we need to take him to detox that night.
So now its been one week that he is in detox and one more week to go.
I really don't think he should stay home with us because he has a teen sister at home too.
I am looking for a sober living for him but he thinks he can do it by himself and he wants to go to out patient program and go to school.
I wish I knew if this is his bottom or is it going to continue
.I am so lost .... hard to find a sober living that I can afford and the government supported ones are full.
God help our addicted ones get clean and our clean ones stay clean!!!
last sorry for the long post
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Ellensburg, WA
Posts: 10
Hello and an update!
First of all, I apologize for not posting - I didn't realize how long it's been until I received a posting the other day. So much has happened...right after my last posting around the end of September, I had my son arrested. It was all very dramatic - I found a baggie with meth in it on my kitchen floor, and as soon as I realized what it was, I was out the door with my phone and the baggie. I called someone from Alanon and they stayed with me through texts while I called 911 and waited for the police. It was very scary, like something you'd see on TV, really. The police told me that they've been watching my son for a long time, and that he was involved with other people who are VERY scary.
Anyway, he was in jail for 6 wks - given time served and sent to rehab for another 6 wks. He qualified for drug court which is very structured, and he is doing everything they ask. When he first was released, he had nowhere to live. By this time it was nearly Christmas and very cold, so he stayed with me, BUT I told his program coordinator that I would be evicted if my landlord found out (true). So...she got busy! The court system set up a mtg with an agency that has resources for people in my son's situation, and eventually they set up a sober living house (it's very nice, and right behind his addiction treatment office). He has been living there since February. He attends GED classes four days a week - he has to sign in and out and bring the record to court, which he attends weekly. He has to attend a certain amount of NA mtgs (his world kind of revolves around them), he has been determined to be exempt from a job at this point, by DSHS, while he is involved at this level, and he receives food stamps. All his living expenses are paid by this agency and the addiction program.
The only thing I am really concerned about being out of place is that he has a girlfriend, who is also an addict, and who he met at mtgs. I have met her, she's very nice, but I thought that they weren't supposed to start a new relationship for the first year of sobriety? Am I wrong about that? Obviously, he can do what he wants with his personal life, but I am concerned that he is going to use her like he did me.
I love being able to see my son, to enjoy my time with him, and to appreciate his growth. He has been clean over 90 days outside of rehab. We talk a lot about addictions, his and mine, too (food) - our behaviors, our triggers, all of that. On Easter, we went out to dinner together, and he showed me a great place to walk my dogs. He comes over 3 or 4 times a week, but doesn't usually stay too long. He is respecting that I am working on my thesis now so I can graduate in June. He is so healthy now - I didn't realize how emaciated and pale he was before. Oh, and he sold his car to a place that rebuilds them - he got $500.
I know there are no guarantees, but he is getting the help and support he needs to learn how to live. He is starting to think about getting a job, but the program coordinator tells him to slow down and not rush things. I am so grateful for this program. And I am so grateful for Alanon, and for you. Lately, I haven't been going to mtgs - I got so busy with school, and with my son not in the house it became easy to let it go, but I will start again. I need to do this for me, not for my son.
God bless you all.
Anyway, he was in jail for 6 wks - given time served and sent to rehab for another 6 wks. He qualified for drug court which is very structured, and he is doing everything they ask. When he first was released, he had nowhere to live. By this time it was nearly Christmas and very cold, so he stayed with me, BUT I told his program coordinator that I would be evicted if my landlord found out (true). So...she got busy! The court system set up a mtg with an agency that has resources for people in my son's situation, and eventually they set up a sober living house (it's very nice, and right behind his addiction treatment office). He has been living there since February. He attends GED classes four days a week - he has to sign in and out and bring the record to court, which he attends weekly. He has to attend a certain amount of NA mtgs (his world kind of revolves around them), he has been determined to be exempt from a job at this point, by DSHS, while he is involved at this level, and he receives food stamps. All his living expenses are paid by this agency and the addiction program.
The only thing I am really concerned about being out of place is that he has a girlfriend, who is also an addict, and who he met at mtgs. I have met her, she's very nice, but I thought that they weren't supposed to start a new relationship for the first year of sobriety? Am I wrong about that? Obviously, he can do what he wants with his personal life, but I am concerned that he is going to use her like he did me.
I love being able to see my son, to enjoy my time with him, and to appreciate his growth. He has been clean over 90 days outside of rehab. We talk a lot about addictions, his and mine, too (food) - our behaviors, our triggers, all of that. On Easter, we went out to dinner together, and he showed me a great place to walk my dogs. He comes over 3 or 4 times a week, but doesn't usually stay too long. He is respecting that I am working on my thesis now so I can graduate in June. He is so healthy now - I didn't realize how emaciated and pale he was before. Oh, and he sold his car to a place that rebuilds them - he got $500.
I know there are no guarantees, but he is getting the help and support he needs to learn how to live. He is starting to think about getting a job, but the program coordinator tells him to slow down and not rush things. I am so grateful for this program. And I am so grateful for Alanon, and for you. Lately, I haven't been going to mtgs - I got so busy with school, and with my son not in the house it became easy to let it go, but I will start again. I need to do this for me, not for my son.
God bless you all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Ellensburg, WA
Posts: 10
To Schab33
I know exactly what you are feeling. We are so blessed that our town's first sober living house opened just a couple months after my son was released from rehab. AND, in fact, that the court found an open rehab for him. God has been working! I have come to the conclusion that I am not able to handle any of this alone, and that I can't do anything at all to help him. It's been an empowering realization, because I don't have to feel responsible for every single thing that happens. For some reason, I seemed to think I had the power to affect his addiction. Learning that I don't has made an enormous difference in my own head, and consequently, in what I do. Boundaries help protect everyone. My prayers go out to you for strength, and that you will find the resources your family needs.
Last edited by llavendar; 04-06-2013 at 12:17 PM. Reason: Address to Schab33
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Ellensburg, WA
Posts: 10
Re: the car
Originally Posted by Justfor1
He might be better off without his car. Sometimes addicts will lend their autos to the dealers for, god knows what, and get a free bag or two. He can also make "drug runs" & help deliver the dope.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Ellensburg, WA
Posts: 10
Hi Hopefu11,
I hope things are going okay for you now. I apologize for not responding - after my son was arrested, I just kind of fell off the face of the earth. I actually just focused on school, knowing that he was in jail and clean, and then, knowing that he was in rehab and clean and SAFE. I hope you have been able to find a rehab and sober living. Is your child on a waiting list?
I hope things are going okay for you now. I apologize for not responding - after my son was arrested, I just kind of fell off the face of the earth. I actually just focused on school, knowing that he was in jail and clean, and then, knowing that he was in rehab and clean and SAFE. I hope you have been able to find a rehab and sober living. Is your child on a waiting list?
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