I really need some encouragement.
 

Hi, I am new here, and I'm so grateful to have found this group! My 20yo son is an addict - just relapsed after six months clean. He has a home NA group, who all seem (according to him, anyway) to think that I should bail him out over and over. I am in grad school and moved four hours from my home - he ended up homeless and living with me, which was a disaster as it's been for years. This time, though, I was a renter, not the owner of the house, and I nearly was evicted because of him. He had a warrant out for his arrest, a suspended driver's license, no job, no education, etc. And sooooo full of anxiety and paranoia that he just couldn't function and he can be full of rage and violent - but because he was clean and going to meetings, I took care of it all. I paid the warrant, the suspension, helped him get his license back, and licensed the car his sister GAVE him. He moved out, found a job - got a puppy - so many good things were happening, and then he lost his job. His dad came to visit him and he was high before his dad even drove into town. He was able to get another job (drug tested before the relapse), but he's homeless again, and can't even sleep in his car because it was impounded because they found residue in a baggie. Not his, of course. He is begging me to help him get the car. I just can't - even if I had the money, I just can't do it. His sister is so angry - she won't even take his calls. Right now he's hating me a lot. I am visiting my mother and out of his reach, and he's wanting to know when I'm coming home. I'm staying put as long as I can...as I write this I see how much I have enabled him. I just feel so badly for him. He was really trying hard, and he's started over and has four days sober.

When I get home, I am joining Al-Anon. We don't have Nar-Anon - besides, he's an alcoholic. I need some reinforcement right now, because I just feel so bad for him. He has lost just about everything. I'm doing the right thing, right?

Sorry for the long post.I'm sure you all know there is so much more to this. I know I can't cure him, but I'm terrified for his safety. He's tried to kill himself multiple times before. Been to rehab once, hospitalized three times. Please, someone tell me I'm doing the right thing - have I totally misjudged this? I kind of actually hope his blood test comes back dirty so he will go to jail - at least he'll stay clean there. Should I help - he is sober right now. Or should I 'let go' and give it to God? :cries3:

Llavendar, welcome to SR. I to am the mother of an addict and know your sadness. Don't beat yourself up for what you tried to do to save him, believe me you are way ahead of where I was in recognizing that enabling doesn't help at all.

It's hard to let go, to let them fall and find their own way out. But the think is, if we don't let go we just get dragged into hell with them and even that doesn't help anyone.

Meetings saved my life, I am so glad you have decided to go to some too. Many of us here found our balance again by going to meetings and learning to work 12 little steps that saved our sanity.

Others will be along, there are many mamas here and we all know how hard all of this is for you and your family.

Again, welcome, I am sorry for your circumstance but glad you found us.

Hugs
Ann

Hello and welcome to SR. I suspect the whole "Mama Posse" will be along shortly to provide gentle hugs and encouragement.....

I have a son who is an addict. He is older than your son--31. He has been using since he was about 15-16 and the disease has progressed to the point that he is homeless, lost his car (shelter) to impound, and I don't see it changing until he decides to change it.

I'm glad to hear that you are going to meetings. And it really doesn't matter too much.....Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.....the steps are essentially the same. My home group is Nar-Anon and it is one of very few in Washington State. I also attend Al-Anon from time to time and my step study group is essentially Al-Anon based. It works if we work it.

Something I have done recently is picked up a copy of the Text for NA online. I am reading it slowly so that I can understand the principles of that program. It has brought be comfort to fully understand that I am not the answer to my son's troubles.....his best bet at recovery is with the help of other addicts in recovery. Your son knows this. My son knows this. And there is nothing that we can do to make them utilize this wonderful resource.

Unfortunately, until they feel the full impact of their decisions, they will continue to use. And even then (my son is in quite deep), they may not be able to face and conquer their addiction. If we continue to do the things we do to try to save them, it truly does give them the opportunity to continue to use. There is nothing that I have ever done (2 inpatient 2 outpatient treatment programs paid for by us) that has gotten him sober. And the ball is truly in his court.

The things that we do for them (enabling) reinforces that we look at them as incapable. In truth, an addict is smart, cunning, resourceful and very capable. They've just channeled that energy in keeping active in their addiction and our actions assist them in that endeavor. They are very very very good at keeping us intangled with their constant drama.

For me, the most important "right thing" that I have done is to take the focus off the addict and put it on something that I do control.....me. And that is what Nar-Anon (and Al-Anon) has helped me do.

I hope you stick around. Read. Ask questions. And be prepared to understand what is within your power to change and what is not......my sanity depended on "getting" that.

gentle hugs from your neighbor across the Cascades
ke

PS-My son attended CWU

I think you are doing the right thing. His safety is in God's hands. Stay strong.

You are doing the right thing.

If he's truly ready to join the living again, maybe consider paying for his first month in a Sober Living Environment and make it clear that living with you is not an option if he fails there.

Good luck.

Keep the focus on your mental & spiritual health!
 

Welcome to the Mama Posse! I am sorry you are suffering, but you have found a great place for support and comfort in these most difficult decisions--I am very new here, too, but once you let the wisdom surround you, before you know it, encouraging others makes you even stronger. Keep reading and posting.

You are in graduate school? You've moved from your home to further your education and improve your life? Awesome! I have done and am doing the same. Keep your focus on this project & your safety. My 18 yo AD* (in recovery since June 30--I am not ready to put the capital R in front of her just yet!), sabotaged my graduate school education at every turn, from age 13 to the present. Somehow, I have managed to pass coursework & exams, write a prospectus, and have more than half my dissertation written, but it has taken me a long time because of her drug use & the accompanying drama. I started in 2004.

My point is that your life is just as precious as your son's. Your dreams and hard work deserve attention. He is considered an adult by law and society. It is only we parents who keep the "child" alive. Sometimes we have to do that for our own mental health--we remember that precious person we loved and raised. But when we insert ourselves in their choices and addiction and drama, we aren't helping. I had to tell my AD that she could not live at home after 28 days inpatient treatment. I was not ready or willing or capable of handling her. It's been quiet here, and fairly calm. She doesn't call me or answer my texts of love and care. That hurts. But it would hurt more to have her at home right now.

All this to say, stay far away from him. Don't get him his car. Support your daughter & go to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. I have learned so much in such a short time here and at meetings. You can do this. We support you wholeheartedly. Peace.

*She overdosed on heroin in October and nearly died. This was not her "bottom." I am sure the story of her addiction is not over.

Good Morning, I am another Mother of a 22 year old son who is addicted to heroin. I too enabled from 9 to 21, doing everything for him, even applying online for jobs (sheesh!) to try and help him get a leg up on life. Our son had everything going for him, we paid for college, free room and board, cosigned for a car, yep everything. I also got him a job making $11.00 per hour at my work so he could earn some good money while going to school. Guess what? He dropped out, found heroin (in early 2010) and used me and my family for the next 14 months. He stole, lied, cheated, abused, etc.
No matter how many times I bailed him out of a problem, another one was right behind it.
He is 22 now, already served 4 months in jail due to stealing from us, went to rehab, and then relapsed in May big time.
The very best thing you can do is let your son go. He needs to learn that YOU are not the answer to his problems. HE is the answer.
Keep reading here, we call ourselves the "posse of Mamas" and our collective strength is what helps me survive and even thrive in my own life while my son is doing what he chooses in his.
Hugs,
Teresa

Good morning from another mama who gets it and knows you are doing the right thing.

Drugs have rewired his brain to protect and sustain his addiction. Short of kidnapping and keeping him locked in a cage there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop him from living his life the way he wants to do.

You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You canot cure this.

The thing about addiction is that just when we think they have reached bottom, they often just keep on digging deeper. The longer we hang on, try to control and fix their problems the deeper into the black hole we find ourselves. Our own emotional, physical and financial stability becomes dependent on what our child does or not- a very unhealthy situation.

Alanon can help. So can professional counselling.

Good morning. I don't really have anything to add to the above posts. I am the mother of a 22 year old AS. I'm so sorry for your pain.

You are absolutely doing the right thing! Al-Anon will help a lot. We don't have a local Nar-Anon either but we have a wonderful Monday night Al-Anon group made up mostly of parents.

I will add you and your son to my prayers.

Welcome...and so sorry for your situation. I too have an AS, 20 years old.
I too did everything for him..applied for jobs online for him, bought him a car, co-signed for a motorcycle etc etc... My husband and I attended our first al-anon meeting Tuesday night and will be going back weekly. As I am writing this I am getting ready to walk out the go to my first appt with a family counselor for myself and the rest of the family (AS refuses to get treatment) I am doing everything I can to help MYSELF first.
Good luck and stay strong...

More support for you here from another Mom of a 22yr old AS. I also do not have anything much to add to the excellent posts you have received except for encouragement to continue taking care of yourself.

Keep yourself open to seeing any serious action he takes toward recovery for himself; that's when I think it might make sense to provide a bit of support - but on your terms.

Hugs to you......

Welcome to SR. I am sorry for the reasons your here but glad you found us.

I am also a mother of 2 AS and know your pain you are doing the right thing.

Hugs from one mother to another.

Another momma giving you encouragement. My son's situation is very similar to yours but he is 34. Nar-Anon will help a lot and this site is the best thing that ever happened to me. Lots of encouragement and these people really know how it feels to be in this situation.

Here's another mama who really knows your pain. I have been the enabler queen. I've learned a lot....very slowly...and still can't completely let go. My son is now 42 and has been into drugs for about 22 years! Amazingly, he is still alive. He has seen prison, been homeless, injured seriously in accidents, and hep c, in rehabs several times, arrested more times than I have fingers and toes. None of this ever changed him, so I'm thinking his bottom is death.

Anything I have ever done has done nothing to change his ways. He is still alive and living in a camper (which I bought), has no transportation, no license, on disability from an accident, and pending court cases. I have finally come to the realization that things are not going to change for him. Period....because he doesn't want it as badly as I want it for him.

You can't want it enough for your son either. And I find that when there is transportation, more trouble is readily available. Your sister might think about getting it out of impound and re-claiming the auto for herself if that's possible.

Don't feel badly about focusing on your schooling. That is a project you CAN do something about. Go for it!

Pray for your son and hang around here with the other mamas for awhile. You will find comfort and understanding. I care.

I am just overwhelmed with all your responses to my post! Thank you so, so much. I know that you won't be surprised to hear that I cried my way through them. I am relieved to say that my son has been attending meetings daily - sometimes two a day, is working ten hour shifts, seven days a week, and is clean. He also went to the impound yard and made a deal with the owner to get his car back. I was impressed! His sister (different one this time) lent him a small portion of what he owes, and he used it as he promised. I think my being so unavailable to him has really helped him step up.

The puppy was kept by my son's sponsor for awhile, and then my son found another home for him. I know that must've been hard. His former roommate took all my son's belongings to the dump because he owed him rent - so the car really is all my son has anymore. He is staying with a member of his home group for the time being. He sounds good - clear, cogent, and seems happier with himself than he has been in a long time - I think because he had to rely on his wits and discovered he was able to do it.

I'm headed for meetings as soon as I'm home. I still have some time before school starts, and I'm working hard on my own stuff. He asks why I'm here and I just tell him I'm taking care of business. And I am.

Thank you so, so, so much. I'm so grateful to have found this site and all of you.

Another mama here. You've found the right site for help, encouragement, support, compassion from the "Posse" and from everyone else with experience who posts here.

My 21-year-old RAS (IV heroin) is now--finally--being treated for depression (which he was first diagnosed with in middle school--willing went to therapy, but we were not comfortable having him prescribed antidepressants at that time). His later poly substance abuse prevented many things, among them appropriate treatment for the longstanding depression.

In my experience, if suicide attempts are in the picture, that can involve involuntary hospitalization, which can be lifesaving.

Apart from those issues, you must guard your own health, safety and welfare. I attend Families Anonymous meetings (no Naranon in my area, but Alanon is also excellent, as well as open NA meetings). Families Anonymous in my experience is mostly parents of not just addicts/alcoholics, but also offspring with serious psychiatric issues, very often dual diagnosis. If there is a FA group in your area, you might want to check it out. Extraordinarily helpful, informative, and healing.

I pray God grants you a clear head and a calm heart during this terribly difficult time.

Blessings.

llavendar, I am also the Mom of a 27 AS. My fervent prayers this morning were to receive the divine strength to release him to God's care. When I can stay clear about my boundaries, I am much calmer. And, he functions much better.
When I jump into my rescuing mode (which I realize I have done for years), it's all anxiety producing for me. And, it clearly doesn't help him.

I slipped Saturday when I was about to pay a late car title loan for him or he'd face the car being repoed. Out of the blue today, he emailed me and said I don't need to pay (I wasn't going to!) as he worked it out with them and he's paying tomorrow. Now whether or not that is true, he sounded coherent and happy with his new job. But at least I did not relapse into my old enabling behavior.

You are doing absolutely the RIGHT THING. And, you are starting much earlier than I did. :You_Rock_

Today I went to a memorial service for my friends' child - age 42. It was so heartbreaking - his parents, his children - everyone just devastated because of this talented, soft-hearted, loving man's choices. My heart just went out to them, and as I listened to them try to express what was in their hearts - try to communicate how devastated they are, I realized that they could be me. Someday, it might be me who couldn't finish, who broke down, who ran from the room, who needed to be held up. And when I hugged this father, he looked at me, and said, "you too, maybe?" I couldn't believe that in his own grief, he knew, and recognized and reached out to me. I want to tell my son about it, but I'm afraid he'll think I'm trying to manipulate him. I just wish he'd been there, to witness the damage done to the families of those who choose drugs over life. And yet, he's continuing to make better choices right now, and taking care of himself, instead of expecting me to do it.

You are all so wonderful, and I'm again, so thankful to have found you! I am still not back home - and he has been very resourceful and responsible, taking care of himself. His sponsor has been a big help. I told my son the other day that I could hear that he was grateful for the help he's gotten, and he said that he is grateful - he almost lost his car to impound, but he worked deals that didn't involve me, and is paying everyone back as he agreed. He said that even though he had pretty much lost everything, he's grateful for every little thing he has, and for the people in his life. I told him that was one of the most mature things I've heard him say, and he said "Thank you. That means a lot to me." While I realize that he has a tough road ahead of him, I really see him growing through this situation. He's still clean, still going to meetings, all of it. I think it also helped him to hear his sponsor tell him he's headed straight for jail. Whatever it takes.

Praying every day for more of the same in my son's life. Praying he continues to have a life to improve. God bless you all.

another mom here, my son is 26 and a heroin addict .... I know this is not the sum of his life even though it sure can seem that way at times.

The NarAnon saying "it works when you work it, so work it, you're worth it" ....... is so very true. Take care of you :)