catlovermi

Please note that if her first high was the intense high from injection, and not built up from pills to snorting, then her first high would have been pretty good.

Please note that if her first (FIRST) detox is under anesthesia, then when she is past it and the first time the going gets rough, what she will remember about drugs is the high, and she will have no memory of the agony of drugs. And drugs will look pretty darned good as a way to escape the pains and trials of reality.

So, in providing her a pain-free detox, which will "work" but is not likely to "stick," you are setting her up for a much higher likelihood of return to drug use.

Riding her to detox in a rental Ferrari instead of your old Ford will work quite well too and there are no negative side effects and it's quite comfortable. But it burns through money you may likely need later, or may need for a sibling.

Spending time with some addicts who have STAYED clean for a few years minimum (such as socializing with them at meetings to ask their journeys) would teach you from the experts. They are the experts, who know what to do to get to the goal: long-term sobriety.

CLMI

amaslow

[I]What I dont understand is if the pain of experienceing withdrawl is so beneficial then why is no one here saying that stopped their addict love one from going back. I dont hear that from anyone[/I]


Interesting isn't it? That is just how powerful the disease is!! You can go through withdrawal hell ( I have seen my daughter laying in the lobby floor of the treatment center, bend over double and shivering), go to jail, loose everything you have. hurt the psople you love and not care, on and on........ and go back to it..... THat is the devil of addiction.. It would not be "addiction" if you had pain from it, got it, and then never went back!!...... It is the most formitable apponent I have ever seen.!! I hope you are reading every word in these posts.. These psople speak the truth and your daughter is no different from any of the addicts that we know.... There are no " special" or "low grade" IV addicts.....Keep coming around!!

Katiekate

When I got off benzos, I did it in a detox center, I was given no other drugs, nothing to help the withdrawal, it was a seven day taper, it was incredibly painful, one of the things that struck me as I was coming off was how powerful the drugs were, it was a good deterent to ever wanting to take benzos again.

Your daughter needs to pay the piper for her actions, spending lots of money to get her a painless withdrawal is probably a big mistake, she can come off safely in a detox center that is a reasonable expense. No one wants to go through the pain withdrawal causes, maybe if she experiences the full impact of withdrawal, she will learn what she is doing to herself. If you prevent her from experiencing the full consequences of her actions, it will hurt her more than help.

lonelystar

hi there its itsthepop,

Firstly sorry to hear about your daughter and the pain you and your family are going throught. Ill tell you a story about my son, hes 21 now an opiate addict, he smokes it. At the age of 18 he graduated hs with college credits never touched a drug never drank, at 181/2, he was drinking and smoking pot, at 19 he was partying hard using all sorts of drugs, got into all sorts of trouble through this early stage I tried just about everything, therapy , doctors talking to him i clearly saw where he was headed, I still hear his words "dont worry mom, i know what drugs can do, i know they can ruin lives, i know what im doing"....now , you stated your daughter didnt go through the experimental phase if you will, honestly none of that matters, what matters is where they are at now, my AS is in a 30 day rehab we live in NY but he went away because of insurance , outside of ny you get better coverage at least for my insurance , this is his 2 time, im going to give you this advice, everything your daughter says might be true , yes she might not be as bad as others, yes she wants to get clean , all of it is yes, but and remember this , none of that will matter, she will do and say anything to get that high , its stronger than her , than you , than anybody . That said, its is good that she wants to get clean what method you choose I think is up to you personally, and like everyone else has stated, detoxing is the minor issue here, its staying clean thats a ***, my son even detoxed at home at one point, all i can offer is there is no quick fix, no magic pill, you are learning as we all have the hard way just what addiction really means, wish you the best of luck

SundaysChild

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

The good news about all of this is that your daughter came to you for help - that's very encouraging for the future. However, as many others have already said, opiates are nasty things and very difficult to kick. If your daughter was paying for her own rehab, then she could certainly dictate what she wants...but she's not.

I know nothing about ROD detox- my son has detoxed on his own, and in a medically supervised inpatient rehab. I wouldn't say that the experience of detox was a motivator for him not to use again - it's sort of like childbirth...you block out the bad experience when you think about doing it again. So, I'm not sure ROD detox would compromise her recovery.

I do have very strong feelings about what's needed for recovery - and that's a 30-90 inpatient stay, and then a year of extended care/sober living. Returning to college in the fall - which is the environment she started using at - is a recipe for relapse. (The only exception would be if the college had a formal "recovery college" within the school - there are about 20 universities in the country with a program equipped with case mangers, etc to help students have a SLE within a college environment.)

Opiate addiction will destroy her life - if she can get it right the first time she will save herself many years of damage. There is NOTHING more important than recovery. She can't see it yet, but any good rehab program will deliver that message. Recovery is not something you do on summer vacation.

While she is at rehab, you should attend AlAnon or NarAnon meetings. These will help you immensely if she doesn't achieve recovery first time out.

I am so sorry to welcome you to our fellowship.

kmangel

I agree. As much as you will like your daughter to continue her schooling, take each day as it comes. See how she is doing when the fall classes resume. My husband thought our son was going to go through rehab and then straight to graduate school. Our son is not adverse to furthering his education, but he is an adult now and doesn't need his dad to make it happen. If it is meant to happen our son will move heaven and hell to make it happen--and have the self esteem that comes with his making it happen. Right now he has other important concerns.

My son told me that he must have something in his body that made him get addicted immediately to opiates. I have had pain meds after surgery, but I only remember the relief from pain the pills gave me. After a couple days, the pain was tolerable and I no longer wanted any pain medication. No craving for me. He said it is not like that for him. From the first pill he was hooked. He will always be addicted. He may not be actively taking opiates, but it will only take one pill to revive the addiction. He got kidney stones and against better judgement he got pain meds. He had been told what would happen and it did. The very first pill put him right back to before rehab when he was taking lots of the pills. He had been told that if he ever took opiates again, even after being off them for a long time, that he would want the same dosage as when he went to rehab. But like we humans are prone to be, thinking we are the exception, he soon found he was still capable of being an addict. He thought he could take the prescribed dosage and all would be fine. This led to a relapse. I hope he learned something from the experience. He's a recovering addict with much still to learn about his disease.

Be wary. Addiction is nasty business. You and your daughter have no idea what you are up against. She may think once the detox is over she will be free, but if she is anything like my son, something as simple as taking a legitimate pain pill will set her up. It takes a really dedicated person to turn it all around. I am hoping my son is one of the dedicated ones. He's slipped up but I hope it is a part of his learning just how cunning drug addiction is. Your daughter will learn all about the traps addiction will lay before her, but only she can decide whether or not she will take it all seriously.

PrayingMama

Oh she did not like the doc who told her to detox at home at all. And she did not like it when I asked each doctor their opinion about if it was better to experience some of the symptoms in order to help prevent relapse. She b*tched me out in the car but good for even suggesting that to the doctor because she said we promised it to her. And then came the tears and asking me if I wanted to see her vomiting, shaking, and pacing the floors. She wants her dad back home and for me to let him take care of it and for me to leave her the he** alone. Then she changed her tune when she wanted to order take out and pick it up on the way home. She said she was upset and scared.

What stands out for me as a red flag -- and I speak as the mother of a recovering 21-year-old IV drug user--was the rudeness expressed by daughter to mother. I can not imagine my 21-year-old son speaking to me this way or treating me with such "teenage" disdain--not at 21, not even as an addict. I can't imagine myself tolerating it for one moment. While in active addiction, my son would become argumentative if he requested money (for this, that or the other thing) and--obviously--didn't get it. And, eventually, when the boundaries became clear and enforced, he chose to leave.

But when he finally asked for help (which is where this young woman is now in her life) entered a medically supervised detox, and now an IOP, he was humble, grateful for the opportunity, and remorseful. That attitude does not guarantee a smooth road ahead for any of us--we're hopeful, not idiots--but at this point, his father, step-father and I see it as a good sign. In fact, we consider it the only attitude to which we will respond.

Adults--even young ones--who are utterly dependent on others for all of their needs, who are asking for help with an extremely dangerous, illegal habit, but who display adolescent outbursts of pouting disrespect directed at someone who is trying to help them may not be up to the tasks ahead of them. Successful adulthood always has and always will entail the development of integrity, dignity, courage and responsibility--addiction or no addiction.

And playing one parent against the other is a recipe for profound dysfunction in any family, whether there are addiction issues involved or not.

itsthepop

Thank you for the link. I forwarded it to my husband also, I have seen similiar reports and of course there is always a risk on anesthesia whenever it is used.

itsthepop

Ive been reading all of your comments. I appreciate each and every one of you sharing and offering your insight into this terrible disease.

I spoke to my husband earlier and he seems to be more relaxed since he is out of town for work. He feels awful for leaving me here to deal with everything and when I relayed the information about how some people get desperate and take too much drug before entering detox that scared him.

My husband feels strongly that because this is our daughters first attempt at recovery that we should go ahead with the ROD for her detox. I am no longer certain of this, but really we are running out of time to alter our plans. I feel like a horrible mother for wanting my daughter to experience the pain of withdrawal especially since she is so afraid of it. But I do believe what all of you are saying to me, and if there is a chance that it would give her an edge going forward then I don’t think we should overlook that. Her future is what is most important, and it starts now.

I have been crying tonight because I have read so many bad experiences that you have all had. I wish I could reach out and hug each one of you for being so generous to share your fight for your kids. It only makes sense to learn from you.

I don’t think I will be able to change my husbands mind though but I forwarded him the information on risk of rapid detox, and bits of your posts especially from people that said the experience was a deterrent.

There was some very good advice that showed that we do have some leverage on our daughter. She does rely on us financially. She has worked during summers, but we prefer her to focus on her schoolwork other times. To us, that is her job. Neither of us think this is a mistake, but now that she has found herself in this situation, we do have leverage in showing her that this is serious and she needs to want it more than anything. More than our paying her college tuition, more than the apartment we provide while she goes to school, the car we bought her, the insurance we pay, the monthly stipend that we give when she is in school. She has been living a fortunate life, and maybe that is why she didn’t see the dangers of the drugs. And now she thinks there will be an easy detox to get out of it, and follow up care that will be easy and protect her from admitting to her friends and other family members that she got herself into trouble, and now she has a real problem.

We talked tonight and I can tell she is very nervous and scared. I told her we need to finalize her treatment (not mentioning that I am still considering taking away the ROD). I asked her to write out what she thinks she needs to get through this for the next year. The treatment, the follow up, what kind of doctors, rehabs, medicine, sober living, anything she had considered. I asked her to tell me which of the doctors we interviewed today she would like to pick for follow up, which rehab out of all we looked at she thought would be best. I asked her to pick two and one had to be price considerate. I have already talked to so many and know approximately what the insurance will pay on each one.

I asked her to have it ready in the morning, and I would do the same thing . We would compare, then have time to make any calls we needed. We would try to make a unanimous decision and present it to her dad. She seemed to like the idea and said she would do it.

I suppose you will all think that is bad, but Im trying to let her voice be heard, and put her in control of the process to some extent. I told my husband I was doing this, and he thought it was a good idea.

I have went through the information given to us by the specialist we saw earlier in the week. I have picked out four rehabs that I think would be best. I had to pick four because im still all over the board.

I picked one that appears to be more plushy and more lenient, one that seems very strict (mandatory meetings, group support by her peer addicts, provides additional counseling, requires volunteer or actual paid work a minimum of 16 hours a week while in treatment). One that is local and also has focus on meetings and group therapy, but does not require work, one that is within driving distance and has lots of therapy involved , but minimal group interaction.

I feel like I am punishing her by putting her in a rehab that is so strict, and requires her to basically be submissive. But is that really what she needs? That is what Im hearing from all of you. She needs to feel the pain addiction has caused, she needs to never want to do this again. She has to see others and hear their stories (like I have herd yours) and it will maybe make her not want to sink lower in this black hole of addiction.

I feel like she will hate me if I push for the most strict, or even the moderately strict. It will be a battle with my husband and I don’t know if I will win it. But this is temporary for her and the lessons learned could make the difference in her future.

I am still uncertain about the length of time for rehab. She wants to go back to school in the Fall. She might fit in almost 60 days but it would be close. And follow up care from rehab has to be put in place with a therapist most likely near her school. That will all take time. Realistically she could do 45 days and then transistion. But only if she is making good progress. Otherwise school will have to wait.

That is a horrible horrible decision to make . Our only leverage would be no tuition, no apartment, no car. She will have no other choice.

Is this too severe? Am I wrong thinking about using the threat of withdrawing our support to keep her in treatment? Its not active addiction, its treatment. Do we have that right ?

All of this may be lost, because I don’t think my husband will go for most of it. He is in that protection mode you all spoke of.

crazybabie

I wish your family luck in whichever decisions you do make Keep us updated on how things go, all of us want the same thing you do we want your daughter to succeed we are a family of sorts here we share good stories and bad ones, we talk humor etc...

Keep posting and please keep learning all you can about addiction. One of my concerns is she refused one treatment option IMO if she really wants to stop she would be grateful for ANY help instead of dictating what she will and will not do.


I do believe she is scared heck I would be, I am dealing with 5 addicts who are very dear to me as well as 2 RA it is so draining on those who love them have you considered what you and your husband will do for yourselves while she is getting her treatment?

LoveMeNow

My God child never drank, smoked pot, NOTHING in HS. She went to college and in her senior year, she let loose. Snorting percocets was the "in" thing. Wasn't long before she became an addict.

When my sister found out, she gave her 2 weeks to find a program or MOVE out! She refused to help her in any way....in the beginning. She said she got herself into this, she needs to find her way out. (We were all shocked and we didn't agree with her but we stayed out of it). She was right though. Thankfully, my God child found a program and really worked it. She has been clean for 4 yrs.

She is clean and sober to date! Sadly, many of her college friends are still addicts so she has had to cut off all contact.

My sister wasn't going to enable her, she had sought professional advice and actually did it. (My sister is in the health care field and knew enough about addiction). My God child still works a program (not every day or even every week) but she is well aware her recovery is life long and has complete respect for it.

Just wanted to share...

YearForMe

I was only pregnant one time.

I had one child...my daughter... who is now 33.

Back in those days, they either didn't have ultrasound, or if they did...they only did them for extreme cases.

I only gained 16 lbs. It looked like I had a basketball under my shirt.

I enjoyed the gestational experience. I had no problems.

Then I went into labor and they let me labor for 26 hrs. before they called in the State Director of Obstetrics.

They did a high forcep and basically yanked her 9 pound 1 ounce body out of me.

I started hemorraghing severely. I almost died.

If you ever watch old episodes of ER with Julianna Margulies and my next husband George Clooney.
When Hathaway gave birth to her twins, what happened to her is nearly identical to what happened to me. The name of the episode was Great Expectations and it aired on Thanksgiving Day 1999.

How's that for being re-traumatized?

33 years later, I remember every single bit of my experience. It was the single scariest event of my entire life.

And I just had a visceral response to writing this....

Did I tell you I was only pregnant one time and only had one child?

I NEVER EVER EVER WANTED TO CHANCE GOING THRU THAT AGAIN

Bad experiences have a way of doing that to you. Even when you get a nice present of a little sweet bundle at the end.

I firmly believe that the nasty unpleasantness of withdrawals are absolutely necessary but STILL no guarantee that they won't relapse.

An addict will seek help for themselves, crawl thru hot molten lava to get help

When the fear of continued use is greater than the fear of withdrawal

tjp613

This right here is the crux of your problem and may very well keep your daughter trapped in the cycle of addiction for a very long time...maybe until she dies from it. I wish we could make you understand that, but I don't think we can. I get that. I had to learn it the hard way, too.

Elphie

Most RA's will tell you - whatever amount of drugs they are "admitting" to doing...the reality is that they are doing 3-5 times that amount AT LEAST. So, take the amount she has told you she is using X 5 or more! That is more of the reality.

What I dont understand is if the pain of experienceing withdrawl is so beneficial then why is no one here saying that stopped their addict love one from going back. I dont hear that from anyone.

My AD admitted to others that she was doing 5-6 30's of perks a day, she claims to have self detoxed more than once....understand that their bodies/minds need for the drug is far greater than any few days of being sick/achey/shakey....they may need to go through that a few times to get it through their heads....and that without really serious ongoing treatment for the substance abuse, your daughter - my daughter will relapse and go back to using at least that amount if not more. Don't get me wrong, I DO think they need to go through it, they need to FEEL the consequences for what they have brought themselves to. My AD detoxed at home last weekend, i did NOT go in there and hold her hand, wipe her forehead, clean her puke....SHE did this to herself, not me....I did go check a few times when i knew she was sleeping to make sure she was still alive, but, i did not make it any easier....that hurt, it was hard...mommies want to make their kids feel better no matter what age....but, she had to hurt, she had to feel it...for it to have some sort of impact.

The easier we make this on them, the more likely we will find ourselves stuck in this same position again....and again....and again....

I have a friend, her AS has been going thru this for 2 years, brought up in a beautiful loving family, supportive parents, privilage, good education, all the things we all want to give our children...he stole from them, other family members, all to get drugs....he has been through detox a couple of times, they drug test him regularly, going to treatment...he will go a few days/weeks/months clean...get a job, back on track...then all it takes is a stressor of any kind to bring him back to addiction...and it doesn't have to be a major life changing item to do it....addiction is POWERFUL, more powerful than you can possibly imagine....

The likelyhood of someone using (especially IV drug users) and going into detox, coming out clean and never using again are nearly impossible, there is no magic cure, no simple solutions, no quick fix. This will not just go away, it just wont.

I know how much this hurts, i know how hard it is to face that this child we raised and loved and taught right from wrong is now an addict, who will lie, steal, and do whatever they have to in order to fool us and to get drugs to feed this monster that is addiction.
I know, my heart is breaking for my family, yours, and every other family on here going through this....but, the sooner you face the reality that this is not going to happen quickly, easily and you may go through this same heartache many times over...the closer you will be to helping her and yourselves face this head on.

dollydo

I sincerely hope that this all works out as you envision it to, however, I fear that it will not. Your lack of understanding as to what you are dealing with and your wanting to continue to give her a soft place to land and an easy way out, will IMO will do nothing but perpetuate her disease.

Take some time to read all the stickeys at the top of this forum, lots of helpful information at yoir fingertips.

lyssabee

I get how hard it is to wrap your mind around how huge addiction can be. I for sure never thought my husband would fall so far down before pulling himself out.

My advice to you would be to sit down by yourself, and think about what your boundaries are – not the leverage you have, but what you are willing to tolerate and enforce – what is okay with you? Where is the line? Because leverage is useless if you aren’t willing to follow through. Are you willing to continue to pay for your daughter’s education, rent, car, and spending money if she’s still shooting up? How about if she quits heroin but drinks? Smokes pot? Are you willing to continue to pay for school but no extra money? Does she have to come home if she isn’t following her recovery program? Or will you simply stop paying for her lifestyle?

I don’t want you to answer me here, I just want you to think about what your boundaries might be. If your situation gets worse before it gets better, and chances are good that it will, boundaries will be a good thing to have in place. And you don't have to tell anyone - even your daughter or your husband - what they are.

My husband has been working his own recovery for four years now, but I still have boundaries in place. They’re pretty simple and straightforward – for example, one is that I will never ever bail him out of jail again. He knows that, and I know he knows, so that IF that time ever comes, I will feel no compunction leaving him there. And you know what? It won’t matter why he’s there – drugs, or something new and exciting. I don’t bail out people from jail, period.

Choosing a rehab for your daughter is a pretty tough decision, but I can assure you there are many, MANY more decisions much more horrible than this to have to make. Please don’t downplay the seriousness of this.

DJ0822

My 22 yo son is in early recovery. Although we were aware of his pot and alcohol use, we also wouldn't believe it was anything more. Until this spring, when he had money in his pocket but no real job. I knew something was wrong. I nagged him nonstop about his source of that money, telling him I was scared to death that he was selling pot. Little did I know, he finally broke down and admitted he was selling heroin. It was pills and pot previously, but he saw big $ in heroin. Yet he said it sickened him how desperate heroin addicts were - one day he could charge $30 and next day charge $150. And the heroin addict would pay it. There was no limit how far he/she would go for it.

Toughest thing I've ever had to do - kick him out (on Easter Sunday), tell him only call me when ready for rehab. Otherwise, I am finished with him. We are also among the "upper class" with 2 hardworking college-educated parents, beautiful McMansion, cruises every year, college for all the kids, etc. This disease is not limited to troubled kids with troubled backgrounds only. The first Nar-Anon meeting we attended (and I cried throughout), I commented to the group, "You are all so normal!! I didn't expect to see a room of 50+ parents JUST LIKE US!! That is the first step - recognize that if this happens in your family, whether you WANT IT OR NOT, you are now a part of it. Stay focused on the goal - get yourselves educated in the way you can best support your daughter in her problem - HER PROBLEM. You will do your daughter more good by letting her own her problem, establishing firm boundaries for your lives and requiring that she abide by them. That's not being a mean mother - that's giving her the opportunity to do the right thing and then earning for herself the self-esteem she needs to continue to recover. I believe that some people have addictive personalities and need to consciously be aware of where their own breaking points are in order to stay on the right side of the tracks. Your daughter needs to learn those breaking points for herself - not have parents go ahead and limit the danger zones for her ahead if time. I'm not trying to be harsh, as I am generally known as a softee, but I'm sure you 've had to punish her in the past for running out in the street, breaking curfew, etc. You may have had to dole out some tough consequences when she was younger, and it's never easy to "make" your child unhappy. But it was necessary for her safety. This is the biggest parent test there is - the result will mean HER LIFE. Even if you thinkshe isn't like other addicts, a little overkill from your direction won't hurt her (and might make all the difference.). My son was furious that I would accuse him of selling drugs. Denial, denial, denial. I was making too much of it. I was overreacting. I would be sorry. Blah, blah, blah.

After a month of couch-surfing at friends I.e. other addicts' homes, repeated text messages from him that I was wrong, he had already stopped using and selling, etc., (during those texts, I said "just let me know when u r ready to go rehab," he finally texted me "is offer to go rehab still open? I need help .".

Inpatient detox and rehab at The Retreat in Lancaster, PA. He did nearly a month there and it changed his life. He learned that the drugs and alcohol were not his real problem - his addictive personality made him self medicate. He learned valuable tools about coping with life s stressors without self medicating. He learned how selfish and self-centered he had become. Most of all, he learned humility. Not guilt, but humility. He now says nobody or nothing can take his sobriety away from him. He earned it. He owns it. He has gained tremendous self-esteem from doing this on his own accord. Yes, we paid for it, and yes, it's still very early in his recovery, but I believe he did more than detox - he had to look inside himself and figure out what makes him tick, what makes him self-destruct, and he had to learn and commit to tools to help him stay away. There is a reason your daughter picked up that first needle and it wasn't just because she was a diabetic and used to needles. We have all had pain pills rx'd to us or been diabetics/insulin needles in a way - why is it that some people can stay away from the boundary of use/abuse and others fall. Your daughter must learn that for herself. You cant teach it to her. You can't cry/guilt it into her. It is life/death that she learns this about herself NOW. Give her that opportunity. It is MORE important than a college education. Her college degree will mean nothing if she continues.

A week ago, I posted tearfully on this forum that I thought my son had relapsed. I kicked him out immediately ( didn't even allow him to gather work clothes for next day). I was FURIOUS with him that he broke the rules of the game. My husband was out of town on business, and I had to act immediately. That was my only thought process- we set boundaries and my son broke them. Consequence = get out.

Next day, hubby comes back and calls son to tell him we expected him to follow his treatment plan, he appears to have broken it, and he needs to get in touch with counselor at The Retreat to get back on course for his own life. Told him if he did indeed use, we are done. Son begged to come home to prove clean pee test. Still swearing
he didn't relapse. my husband "witnessed" pee test, so no fast tricks pulled, and thank God he was clean. We sat down and talked. Son ran into a former close friend(who still sells/uses) that evening and spent hours with him talking, a lot about all the things that ticked them off (including us, his controlling parents), and it brought out his old smart-Alec abusive tone when he got home. I knew something was different that. Ight, and I wasn't going to let him cross my boundary for my sanity.

He spent the night in his car and said he realized he was angry with himself for agreeing to meet up/hang with this "off-limits" friend, knew I would be angry, decided to lie about it and got himself further caught up in the old way of handling things. Couldn't believe I kicked him out without proving he was clean. I told him clean or not. I was not going to be subjected to that side of him. He told us that it was the most trying. Ight of his life, to not go to friends house and use again, but to remove himself from it, go alone, think about what he learned at rehab, and decide that even if our relationship was ruined, no one was going to take his sobriety away from him. He apologized sincerely to me for his abusive tone in our argument; acknowledged that those few hours with his friend dredged up memories or who he used to be ; reminded us that he is still working on his many problems - not just drugs and booze, but also becoming a man. Said he blew it, asks for forgiveness and hopes to never do it again, but also said he knows there will be times in future he will blow it again.

As parents, all we can ask for is ownership of the problem, sincere apology, and sincere intention to get back on track. Except for drugs and booze. Zero tolerance. At least in this house. My son said he couldn't believe I was the one who kicked him out back on Easter Sunday, he never thought I would. Took a while, but I think he got it. In this game of sobriety, you play, you stay. You don't, you won't. It's his life and I'm not gambling

I know this is long and windy, and I have much respect for those on this forum who are long time sober. Maybe I am a bit naive, but I'm trying my best to learn from others in this hell hole of drug world.

Don't save your daughter. Give her the opportunity to save herself. She will gain so much more from that opportunity. And rehab is a good place for her to see those who are truly committed and those who are looking for an easy way out.

I am proud of the steps my son has taken so far. I tell him that, but I know his own self-esteem is improving each day. He will run into challenges throughout his life, and I can't be there to fix it. He can, though, because he has it in him, and I believe he can.

Be ready for some startling revelations about the whole truth once your daughter is clean. It is mind-boggling.

You and your family are in my thoughts. :ghug3

DJ

Chino

Her addictive personality combined with that fortunate life is why she takes all of it for granted. She doesn't know anything else.

Your daughter probably started off just like mine, a sweet beautiful girl, before she turned into Veruca Salt ("Daddy I want it NOW!!!).

Close to a year ago, my daughter had a temper tantrum then apologized to me. She didn't grow up poor like her dad and I did, so she never learned all the lessons we did, the way we did. Now she's having to teach herself.

We gave her way too much and somewhere along the way, she began to expect it. We had to stop giving so much and she had to stop taking. We taught her to be greedy and addiction is very greedy.

kmangel

My thoughts about your situation are that you have done a good job of getting your daughter involved in choosing her rehab. Excellent! Now pray that she chooses the best one and trust that whatever she chooses is the best one!

When our son was ordered to rehab, my husband began calling rehabs in the area. I was listening to his conversation. I would get a gut feeling about each one as he spoke to each individual. After several calls my gut felt at peace. When my husband finished talking to the rehab's director, I asked how he felt about what he heard the director say and he also felt peace in his heart. Now it was time to see what our son said. We drove him to the facility. Because our son had lots of drug using friends, I wanted the rehab to be miles away from them and this one was. I prayed all the way there that this place was the right place for our son. I prayed all the time the counselor spoke to us. I prayed while we toured the place. Our son said to me at one point "Mom, I like this place. This is where I want to go." Relief! Trusting that your higher power will direct you is mostly in hind sight. I trust but believe when I see it happen!

The next consideration was when he was to begin. The judge said by Monday and this was Friday. Our son wanted to come back Monday. The nurse, the counselor my husband and I talked to him about his staying and getting started immediately, not waiting until Monday. We knew he would want a weekend of shoving as much dope in his body as possible before Monday. What I saw happening is him being so high that he wouldn't return. His Dad and I were on a plane back home the next day so we wouldn't be there to drag him to rehab. I wasn't looking forward to what that would be like, either. At least he was calm at the moment. Who knows what we would find on Monday. I wouldn't trust his druggie friends to get him there. He needed to stay put and not leave. I prayed the whole time "Please, let him want to stay." All of us gently encouraged him to not leave. I knew it was so important for him to feel the final decision was his to make. Between his Dad and me, the nurse and the counselor, I know we were all hoping he'd make the right choice and not leave. He stayed.

As much as you are doing to find a place for your daughter, she must feel she has some say in the matter. You've stated that you have given her all the info you've gleaned and left the matter in her hands. As hard as it is to do, trust that she will choose the right option. If your heart is saying the strictest rehab is the best she may very well choose that one without your forcing it on her. Time will tell.

As far as boundaries are concerned, tell her that the things she has been accustomed to receiving (tuition, housing, and any other privileges) is dependent on what she does to recover. If she is not pulling her weight, you have no reason to fund her schooling or whatever else she is getting from you. Her recovery is most important right now. She can always choose to call your bluff and refuse to do what you want. That's when you have to follow through with whatever your boundaries are.

I know this is a very difficult time in your life. We went through it a year ago and what a difference a year makes. Hang in there!

PrayingMama

I think you sound as though you have come a million miles in a couple of days. And there is no parent on here who can not sympathize with your desire to protect your child (when you refer to plushy/lenient rehabs). But as so many have said, it's the individual's willingness to engage with the program that matters--not the place, not the price--the person. So I don't want to say it almost doesn't matter, but it almost doesn't. I'm not sure method of detox matters (though I will be honest and say that I am unwilling to submit myself or any loved one to unnecessary anesthesia and very wary of ROD--even though we could afford it, I would not offer ROD to my son, but that is my opinion).

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that IV opiate use is hard-core, as another poster pointed out. I can't emphasize enough how serious it is. The fact that your daughter is "comfortable" with needles doesn't make the situation less serious--it makes it more dangerous. And her launch into this kind of drug use was not because she was trying to escape the pain of withdrawal--so that didn't get her started. She chose to inject herself with drugs for "fun." Be prepared for things to emerge during this time that you had never imagined or anticipated.

But you sound as though you have really worked hard to educate yourself (and your husband), and as though you are beginning to see your daughter as a young woman who needs to rise to the occasion of her own life.

That is love.