Ilovemysonjj

Dear Pop, have you heard the phrase

"I did not cause this"
I cannot control this
I cannot cure this.

Unfortunately, this made NO sense to me until all of my efforts to deal with my actively addicted son (20-22 years old over 24 months) only backfired each and every time.
I HOPE and PRAY your daughter is different.
If an addict wants to use, they use no matter WHAT we do....
I hope your daughter really really wants to get clean. The detox is not as bad if they haven't been using very long. My sons first detox was over in three days and he wasn't on suboxone, just mild valium (only 20 pills) and then stuff to help with nausea/diarreah and bone pain. We went to Hawaii 8 days after his last hit of heroin. The longest symptom was insomnia which lasted a while. His relapse happened due to his inability to embrace recovery. HIs first relaps happened when he was angry that we were talking to our friends looking for advice about his usage. He took his car to Mexico and it was towed and vandalized. I spent 8 harrowing hours with him in Mexico trying to find it (never again will I do such a stupid thing!) Here I am, a middle aged woman driving and WALKING the streets of Tijuana. By a miracle, we found his car. The very next day I sent him to live with my Mom in Virginia instead of kicking him to the curb. (I was trying to control it). THEN we let him come back and live with us after 6 months AND I got him a job making $11 per hour at my work (I am trying to control it). He proceeded to hide his usage and within 3 months he was stealing (again) all of our gold. He actually stole a key to our safe and I again denied anything was wrong (I didn't tell my husband that all of MY gold was missing from the safe. (I was trying to control it.)
He then was committed to a mandatory detox (his own admission) in March of 2011 after he stole from us again. I convinced my husband he needed to move back home with us and all would be well. (I was trying to control it). He supposedly went on suboxone and IOP. This went on for less than 2 months and then all hell broke loose and he stole over 5,000.00 of stuff from us UNDER OUR OWN ROOF! I finally realized that I was NOT THAT POWERFUL and that MY LOVE would not save him. He spent 4 months in jail and 4 months in rehab and then after that he lived in SLE. On Mothers day, he came to the house and STOLE again! The very next day I called him out on this. within two days ,he broke into our home, into our safe (a much stronger and bigger safe than the first one. This one required him to use a sledge hammmer to get in!) and stole my last jewelry and $4000.00 cash.
He is gone now (since May 15) and no one knows where he is or what he is doing.
My son was a star athlete and considered well above average intelligence. We are well off and he wanted for nothing. He had everything, college, car, girl, friends, loving family, EVERYTHING!
I don't want to scare you, but I am JUST LIKE YOU. I loved and cherished him and I would have done anything to get him back. That may be how you feel, I know a normal Mom would feel exactly like that.
All the advice I have is be very very careful and LEARN from everyone here.

My hope is your daughter truly understands, but until she is faced with the loss of the drug and can LIVE without it, you might have another episode.

BTW, my son was in rehab for four months in one of the strictest and most successful programs in SD. It didn't matter when he got out, he still wanted to use.

Hugs,
Teresa

cangel2

itsthepop: I agree that you have been learning a lot over the last few days within a very emotional context - that is hard, I have been there and I just wanted to acknowledge that. Hang in there!

You are also correct that everyone here will not agree with your approach but do know that we are all still here to help and support.

Others have said this but I wanted to reenforce two things mentioned that I would highly recommend based on my experience (and from my learning here from other parents)

First - talk about and carefully establish consequences with your husband. Basically go through a laundry list of "if this happens - then we do X". Make the list as long and draft out as many "crazy" scenarios as you can. Once the two of you have come to a solid agreement you will then be ready to communicate them to your daughter. You will have time during the detox and early rehab to work on this.

Second - Please go to some Al-Anon/Nar-Anon meetings - or at a minimum contact and start participating in the rehab's Family program. This is were you can start to get support for you, your husband and son. Going forward this work will bring you the most value; I guarantee that! This will also help your daughter with her recovery.

The last thing I want to mention is your son. He is in a vulnerable place with all of this. If the relationship with his sister is at all close then he likely knows as much if not more than you about her activities. (my two kids have very few secrets between them) You can be sure he is watching closely how this is going to play out - he is learning from it and taking notes for his future. I am not saying this means he will use drugs too but that he will internalize the same message his sister is getting from you - this is why I mentioned above that the message you are sending and the consequences you lay out should be well considered.

He could probably also greatly benefit from Ala-Teen and the rehab family program too. Family relationships change when addiction enters the picture - they have to - it is part of the recovery for everyone. The more support you can muster the smoother things will go.

Keep us informed and let us know how we can help. Wishing all of you the very very best.

PrayingMama

I, too, wish you and your daughter (and husband and son) all the very best. Probably not the strategy I would have used, but I think it really does demonstrate the beginning of putting her own life and choices in her own hands. No wonder she was bewildered. These are serious, adult problems that require serious, adult solutions. I applaud you for learning so much in such a short and stressful period of time. I also think that the boyfriend's role could be positive and significant--it sounds that way. May it be so.

Keep learning as much as you can about the insidiousness of addiction, just so that you are as prepared as possible should you encounter the unexpected. (Well, it's all been quite unexpected, hasn't it?) The information about how it affects brain chemistry/function is not opinion, rumor or hysteria--it's neuroscience.

Wishing and praying that you all find peace and healing and a new sense of growing together.

Ilovemysonjj

PS: I understand your undying love for your daughter Pops. All of us would agree that our love for our children has never changed for any of our circumstances. I would cut my arm off to make my life better and have my son, but of course, that won't make it better if he doesn't want it.
Love and Prayers,
TT

YearForMe

Let Me Fall All By Myself

Let Me Fall All By Myself
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to
cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it. Dont stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing
yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley
alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it.
The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a
fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my
shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself
in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am
allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free
to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might
slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't
you see ?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall
how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not
yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you
act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my
own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust
the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

LoveMeNow

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY FAMILY
~NarAnon

I am a drug addict. I need help -- from a doctor, a psychologist, a counselor, from an addict who found recovery in Narcotics Anonymous, and from God.

Don't solve my problems for me. This only makes me lose respect for you.

Don't lecture, moralize, scold, blame, or argue -- whether I'm loaded or not. It may make you feel better, but it will make the situation worse.

Don't accept my promises. The nature of my illness prevents me from keeping them, even though I mean them at the time. Promises are my only way of postponing pain. Don't keep switching agreements; if an agreement is made -- stick to it.

Don't lose your temper with me. It will destroy you and any possibility of helping me.

Don't allow your anxiety for me make you do what I should do for myself.

Don't cover up or try to spare me the consequences of my using. It may reduce the crisis, but it will make my illness worse.

Above all, don't run away from reality as I do. Drug dependence, my illness, gets worse as the using continues. Start now to learn, to understand, to plan for recovery. Find Nar-Anon, whose groups exist to help the families of drug-abusers.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference

Sunshine2

Itsthepop, I think you have been learning a vast amount in these past days and that you have kept quite an open mind. I have seen people's defenses jump into place and they didn't want to hear. I like the approach of starting softly and becoming harder and harder if it doesn't work.

I personally think that you have to move through the experiences yourself to really comprehend what it is all about. I know I had to feel that I did everything in my power before seeing that nothing was in my power.

When I joined SR, I spent a lot of time in the addiction forum, listening to what addicts say and go through. There are many people there who eventually did recover and that gives me hope. You will also see that there are different ways to find recovery. I still read a lot on there, it gave me a really good understanding of the beast of addiction. The one thing I will say they have in common, is that they had to reach a point where they wanted recovery above all else and in spite of anything.

You, your husband and your daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers. Stay on here. This place has helped me more than I could ever say.

allforcnm

I posted earlier on here about how my husband went through the rapid detox. But I was reading on here last night about the dangers of the procedure and some comments people made. When my husband had his done, he had to go through a series of tests before they actually did the procedure. Blood work, xrays, etc. And then he wasn’t just released, he was monitored for a few days because after the procedure a person can experience problems because the use of opiates affects so many parts of the body and when they are withdrawn quickly, sometimes it is possible to have problems with various internal organs. I know sounds scary. My husband didn’t have any issues afterward, but I was was worried too. I felt compelled to just say, make sure she is going to get proper pre and post care following the procedure and hopefully it will all be fine if she decides to go through with it.

I personally think your giving her a choice in the way that you did was pretty clever.

Hope everything goes well for your family.