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feeling worthless jolinda

Old 03-25-2012, 06:33 PM
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Unhappy feeling worthless jolinda

ive been with the same manfor 25 years.He was wonderful.i was married before had 2 children got divorhad a son togeatherced, he was alcoholic. was by myself with my children for 5 years. then i met my husband joe. we had a son togeather, jake.Almost a year ago my hus band went out after work , didnt come home. iwas at a rely for life. Iwas devastated, didnt have any clue what was going on, let me tell u first we had my mother of 84 years and my oldest son and his 2 children living with us. their mother went to prison for meth.After about 2 months ,he came home,said he couldnt handleall the people living there.He said my son had to go or he wasnt coming home.Sorry and guilty to say i made them move. My son didnt work and was doing meth, wasnt positive at time. It killed me to make my grandchildren move , i was their foster parent to while my son was in jail and their mother. i took 3 of them in ,ages9 mths,5 years and 1 that wasnt my grand child but i loved, age7.to make this shorter hes been in and out so many times. i finally caught him, couldnt deny it no more.He has turned our life upside down. Now its just our son Jake and i living here , trying to sell house before they take it. Sorry so long . theres so muchmore i havent wrote. sad part i feel my self begging him to come home.never would of done that years ago.How can i still love him
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Old 03-25-2012, 06:51 PM
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need help badly, Jolinda

could some one please give me some advise
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Old 03-25-2012, 07:45 PM
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(((jolinda))) - I'm sorry for what has brought you here. When I first found SR (I lurked for a couple of years) I read through a LOT of threads and realized I wasn't the only one. You aren't either, sweetie.

I'm sure others will be along soon, but the best you can do is take care of you and your son. Your hubby is going to do whatever he wants, and there's not really anything you can do to change him.

Please do keep reading and posting. We do care.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 03-25-2012, 07:52 PM
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Jolinda, I am so sorry you are going through this. You are obviously a very loving, caring person to have taken on the responsibility for so many children over the years. I hope your grandchildren are doing well.

It gets a little slow here at night, but I know others will be along soon with good advice.

I do know the havoc drugs bring to your life. Whether its a husband, son, or both, the outcome is the same. Your life becomes unmanageable. Have you ever considered finding a narAnon/alanon/families anonymous meeting? I was really scared to go to my first meeting but it's absolutely the best thing I've ever done for myself. The people there truly understand what you're dealing with and will be able to help you get better.

What I can tell from your post is that you are a strong woman. You raised your children on your own and I know you can raise jake on your own as well. You said you "finally caught him" but its not clear what you caught him doing. Is he abusing drugs? If he is it's good that he's no longer there. Jake deserves to be raised in a home without drug addiction. It's never good for a child to be around an active drug user. I'm here because of my son and the biggest thing that makes me 100% committed to not allowing him back in my home is that I know his "issues" are not something I want my younger daughter to have to deal with. She deserves a happy, healthy childhood just like Jake does.

I can tell you are incredibly sad. All I can suggest is to know you are going to be ok. Stick around here, read all the stickeys at the top of the forum, find a meeting to attend, and be the best mom you can be for Jake.

We're all here for you! ((hugs))
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Old 03-25-2012, 10:34 PM
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Jolinda,

I'm sorry your family is being devastated by meth.

Your husband is a meth addict, and your oldest son (who has two children) is a meth addict, and your son's ex-wife is also a meth addict. Is that correct?

And your husband disappeared for two months on a meth binge then came back and told you your son and his two children had to move out?

And now it is just you and the boy, Jake?

I hope I have your story right. There are a lot of people in it to sort out.

When a child--any child--has a father who is an active drug addict, there is always only one choice for the mother. One choice, Jolinda.

The mother must remove the child from the father.The child must live in a drug-free home. And the child must have only supervised contact with the addict father, arranged legally, only with the approval of the court system.

You have a devastating choice but it cannot be avoided: as long as your husband is on meth, he must live apart from you and your boy.

If you do not protect your son from the meth addicts in your life, then you risk your son being removed from you for his own protection by the state.

If you do not protect your son from the meth addicts in your life, you risk your son being wounded or killed by a meth addict in a psychotic trance. A psychotic trance means the meth addict loses his mind completely. And he kills people because he thinks they are the enemy. Meth addicts kill their children when in a psychotic trance because they do not recognize their own children.

This is a terrible grief you feel about your husband, whom you love and want back as a husband. You knew him when he was a wonderful man and you long for that man who was once so fine.

But your husband has lost his soul to meth, has abandoned his family, and it is up to you to build a safe, loving, and drug-free home life for the boy still with you. You have no other choice.

You are not worthless. You did not cause this terrible situation. You did not cause addictive disease in your husband's brain and body. Meth controls him, he will not take care of anyone now, and this is not your fault.

Your husband did not abandon you because you became unlovable to him. Not at all. You are the same beautiful woman he fell in love with so many years ago. And if he were the same man today, without this brain disease, he would still be loving you every day and being a father to Jake. But he can't, Jolinda.

You must keep the boy safe. No matter how much your heart hurts. God has given you this child and it is your sacred responsibility to keep him safe.

Some meth addicts get clean and sober. But they have to do it away from their families. And they have to prove, for at least a year, that they are clean and sober, before they can be trusted.

Your husband needs treatment by professionals. You cannot treat him, you can do nothing for his addictive disease. Your job is to protect the boy. That is your only job.

If there is a Nar-Anon meeting in your town, go. If not, go to Al-Anon. Just Google those names plus the name of your state and you will find a meeting. At the meetings you will learn what to do in your marriage and for your son and for yourself. You will know you are not all alone.

Others here at SR will be along. It is late on a Sunday night. But there are people here at SR who know exactly what you are dealing with and they will share their stories with you.
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Old 03-26-2012, 03:53 AM
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To let ever one know jake is not a child any more, hes 20years old. hes great. doesn believ in smoking,drugs,alcohol, nothing. Hes quite and a little shy.from my from my other ..He .doesnt know what to do.Hes been like an only child, because so many years apart.My husband texted me last night said,hes no good any more,let him go and try not to hate him, get my life straight again n keep jake safe,hes no good to anyone. I wish i could walk away sometimes.But i cant. Caught him smoking meth with a light bulb.
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Old 03-26-2012, 05:35 AM
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Jolinda
Sometimes our lowest points are the springboard for our own recovery. I am so sorry you are in pain. Drug addiction has taken our loved ones from us. It's a terrible thing to deal with. How do we mourn the loss of someone who is still alive!?

I have had to find acceptance. To accept the choices that others make and move forward in my life. It's hard. It hurts. But the pain makes us stronger.

I will repeat what was said in previous posts.....I found myself and serenity in the rooms of NarAnon and AlAnon.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-27-2012, 09:30 AM
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Welcome to this forum Jolinda, you will find lots of good info here and supportive people who have been where you are. The stickies at the top of the forum are especially helpful. Since all of this devastating stuff has happened to you and he has told you he's no good for you, maybe try to focus on just putting one foot in front of the other and the next right thing, taking care of yourself and your son. I've had the addict in my life tell me to let him go he's no good for me too, and that didn't last because the minute he needed me to rescue him again, there he was. Try to take what the active addict says with a grain of salt, in your situation how important is it what he wants and says anyways. It sounds like you've been through the war, but you need some peace now to set priorities. Maybe Focus on the house, your son and yourself and putting the pieces back together. That's plenty for now. And keep coming back to the forum, sending prayers to you.
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Old 03-27-2012, 11:29 AM
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All torn up

THANK U TO EVERYONE THATS POSTED.Igot contract on house, at least they wont fore close. But will make hardly nothing. Joe , came back home till house sells, says its his house too.Staying down stairs. needs to do some things for inspection.I really cant stand it, he came home high again on meth.I dont use nothing, never had.I have a couple of drinks now and then.Joe says he doesnt know what to do. But i cant have him stay and i cant let him go. Crying all the time,used to never cry.Even if he decides he wants to remain a family , theres still meth. He says he caan beat it by himself. He has sold or pawnes every thing, we have nothing left
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Old 03-27-2012, 12:00 PM
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Jolinda,
Addicts lie through their teeth when they are in active addicition and you know that your Joe currently is. So it really doesn't matter if he says he wants to stay a family or not. YOU have that control and trust me, you do NOT want to stay a family and live in the same house with a meth addict. If you think you feel bad now, multiply that times about 2000 and that's where you'll be 3 months from now should you choose to stay in this mess. Ask me how I know? I promise I am not trying to be harsh or hurtful, just brutally honest because it's the only thing that ever worked for myself. Give him to God and protect yourself, your children and grandchildren. You will get through this. This too shall pass. Hugs to you!!!
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Old 03-27-2012, 12:02 PM
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Jolinda,
Addicts lie through their teeth when they are in active addicition and you know that your Joe currently is. So it really doesn't matter if he says he wants to stay a family or not. YOU have that control and trust me, you do NOT want to stay a family and live in the same house with a meth addict. If you think you feel bad now, multiply that times about 2000 and that's where you'll be 3 months from now should you choose to stay in this mess. Ask me how I know? I promise I am not trying to be harsh or hurtful, just brutally honest because it's the only thing that ever worked for myself. Give him to God and protect yourself, your children and grandchildren. You will get through this. This too shall pass. Hugs to you!!!
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