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How do you get used to being alone?

Old 03-26-2012, 11:21 AM
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How do you get used to being alone?

I'm finding it difficult to be on my own. I'm lonely and bored and I hate not having him to talk to. Despite the fact he is toxic and poisonous and not a good person for me to be around. At family occasions it's hard because everyone else is in a couple and I feel kind of awkward, especially when people ask about XABF. How do I even answer that? At the moment I just say 'hes ok as far as I know thanks, we don't really talk much now though'.
I like people. I like being around people, I like laughing, I like conversation and company- recent discovery, I used to think I hated being around people. Amazing how different things are when there's nobody to belittle or humiliate me or refuse to let me talk or make jokes at my expense
But I want to be ok with being alone too. I don't want to miss him and feel like calling him. I want to be happy by myself. It's going to be an important lesson as I don't intend to get involved with another man for a very very long time, if ever. I want to focus on my daughter and a career and making us a great life.
I am just sick to death of the emotional pain and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to focus on his drama or his abusive words anymore. I want to learn to live without him.
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Old 03-26-2012, 11:47 AM
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Lonely people tend to make lousy inter-personal decisions to fill the emptiness.

Sit with the lonliness. Embrace the lonliness. Become your own best friend. Take time to heal from the trauma you experienced. When people inquire, tell them you are single. Most folk have more than enough on their own plate and will not give it further thought.
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Old 03-26-2012, 01:22 PM
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I love being her mum, she's amazing and perfect and hilarious and super cute. We're busy all day, drawing and painting and baking and playing and going to toddler groups. But when she's asleep at night I do feel lonely. I miss adult conversation and company. I can't stand my own company, I feel uncomfortable with it.
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Old 03-26-2012, 01:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Windmills View Post

I can't stand my own company, I feel uncomfortable with it.
This is not an emotionally healthy state.

Are there any theraputic resources you can use to learn how to love and enjoy your own company?

My dad used to say, no one can get inside us and fill the holes.
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Old 03-26-2012, 01:48 PM
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I'm doing a lot of stuff like reading and attending meetings and I use a domestic abuse centre. I'm on counselling waiting lists. I feel like I'm just bouncing off a brick wall, I don't really know how to fix it.
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Old 03-26-2012, 02:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Windmills View Post
I'm finding it difficult to be on my own. I'm lonely and bored and I hate not having him to talk to. Despite the fact he is toxic and poisonous and not a good person for me to be around. At family occasions it's hard because everyone else is in a couple and I feel kind of awkward, especially when people ask about XABF. How do I even answer that? At the moment I just say 'hes ok as far as I know thanks, we don't really talk much now though'.
I like people. I like being around people, I like laughing, I like conversation and company- recent discovery, I used to think I hated being around people. Amazing how different things are when there's nobody to belittle or humiliate me or refuse to let me talk or make jokes at my expense
But I want to be ok with being alone too. I don't want to miss him and feel like calling him. I want to be happy by myself. It's going to be an important lesson as I don't intend to get involved with another man for a very very long time, if ever. I want to focus on my daughter and a career and making us a great life.
I am just sick to death of the emotional pain and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to focus on his drama or his abusive words anymore. I want to learn to live without him.
Well...I don't consider myself "alone".

One decision I made in the wake of breaking up with my AXGF was to challenge myself to do things I've always wanted to do, but never did for various reasons. Without revealing too much, I'm an electrical engineer and a musician, and I'm doing things right now that stimulate those parts of me. Being in a band with 4 other guys also stimulates me, especially with our "locker room" humor. I have a lot of good friends at work and outside of work.

It's on weekends that I'm really by myself, but I don't mind that, either. My schedule is so nuts during the week that I really look at the weekends as a chance to just unwind and not do anything.

I don't want to date at the moment. I don't see me wanting to do that for at least a year. I don't miss sex. I just don't have anything to give a woman right now. And, I'll be honest, I'm allowing myself to heal at my own pace from being betrayed by my AXGF. I don't miss her at all. I don't want anything to do with her. And that's because she's the sickest, most toxic person I've ever known. There's no way in h*ll that I'll ever go back to that sort of situation.

The only advice I can give you, if you choose to listen, is to not look inward. Get your eyes looking outward. Change the channel in your head. Travel. Read. Learn what's going on in the world around you. And tell yourself, when you miss him, that you may indeed miss him...but you don't miss the chaos and disorder he brings to your life.

PM me if you want to talk more about this.

ZoSo
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Old 03-26-2012, 03:03 PM
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Lots of people, especially women confuse sex with love.

My mama used to say God gave you 2 hands for a reason;\
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Old 03-26-2012, 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
Lots of people, especially women confuse sex with love.

My mama used to say God gave you 2 hands for a reason;\
That's awesome...
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Old 03-26-2012, 06:54 PM
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I used to not like being alone a long long time ago but now I really love it. one of the things I did was journaling. I also started to write articles for a newspaper, and got to go to plays and galleries and write reviews, it got me out and writing, really good for me. Also working the 12 steps can help, with a workbook. Meditating can also help, and hobbies. There is no simple one way to deal with lonliness I think there are lots of ways and everyone is different but keeping busy is really good, and I hear exercise helps too! (LOL that's one I really need to try)....I walk with my dog a lot. Having a pal like my dog has helped immensely. One of the gentlemen who walks along the dyke near where I live has adopted rescue dogs, he told me that if it weren't for his dogs, he's not sure how he would have gotten through the passing of his wife. There are also lots of meetup groups you can find out about in your area online, there are hiking groups, hobby groups even groups for geeks like me! Try exploring and I'm sure you'll find something you like. Once you get into the swing of being alone it will get a lot better.
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Old 03-26-2012, 10:44 PM
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I agree with Faithfully. Discover and get involved with an adult group doing something you like...whether it be a hobby, hiking, recovery, counselling, knitting, yoga, reading...whatever. Try out a few. You can only go inward and meditate so much...it's not healthy to be alone all the time or without adult company. Even meet a neighbor and go for a walk! There are lots of people looking for the same thing. It is scary to try new things at first but soon you'll be fitting in and making a new life for yourself that you created!
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Old 03-27-2012, 08:01 AM
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Feeling lonely really sucks, and you have been through a loss. It is just going to take time to heal. I really struggle with loneliness myself; I have been the type of person to always have a BF. Left one and moved on to the next—often before the first relationship was completely over. I always said, after each breakup that I would give myself time to be alone, but never really did- probably another reason why my son is so screwed up, who knows.
it sounds to me like at least you are on the rigth track

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Old 03-27-2012, 08:19 AM
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I use to feel the same way hated being alone. My bf is in rehab now and I am living for me. Back to the gym, yoga and attending alanon. Live for you and enjoy yourself. Your best friend is you!
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Old 03-27-2012, 03:58 PM
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Being alone makes you think. Let hourself think. Do something for you during this time. I have a little one, and when he goes to bed...its MY time. I get lonely, but I enjoy my time. Read, knit, paint, cook, listen to music or just watch tv. Learn to enjoy yourself! good luck!
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Old 03-27-2012, 05:23 PM
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I understand u. Being home alone is depressing. It's just a reminder of how things used to be-the few good times. I always give advice to people- get a distraction, read for pleasure, take yoga- just can't seem to take my own advice. I hope u feel better soon and of hope the loneliness melts away soon
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