FindingJoy

So after breaking things off with my "R" ExAB 6 weeks ago I was able not to see him but NO CONTACT was a big challenge for some reason. I asked my HP for help and I got it. My EXAB sent a series of mean and manipulative texts followed by nice texts and even a Valentines card.

All of this happened today after I spoke to his mom on the phone. I needed to clear the air with her as to why I have avoided invitations to her home. She's a wonderful very honest woman and I couldn't bare going along with his web of lies and lie to her face. I shared with her the truth about what has been going in and made it clear I wasn't calling to bash her son but to make amends with her for my hurtful avoidance behavior. So this is when I found out that she knew NOTHING. About anything. His alcoholism, him going into AA etc.

According to my ExAB he's on the 9 th steps (amends) and he wrote me that he flew to see her in Super Bowl weekend to make amends with her. Clearly he did it his way by lying to her face telling her that we were doing well and the only issue was his sleep apena.

This plus his series of texts telling me that I'm not ready for him and I should be proud of him for being on the 9 th step as this takes many addicts years. Basically it's my issue that I only see the bad in him and that he's doing so well despite all the times I supposedly told him he couldn't do it. HA quite the opposite I've been encouraging, begging, cheer leading or him to get help for more than a year. I never said he couldn't do it.

Thanks for reading. I'm partly venting..looking for support and validation. I still feel hurt angry and a bit fragile. I'm allowing his words to doubt my self. Is he really 100% in recovery and I'm only seeing black? I don't think so but my mind is a bit twisted right now.

Ann

I agree, let his behaviour and actions tell you more than his words.

His recovery isn't mine to judge, but most people who I have met that have reached Step 9 have found honesty as well. They don't have to tell anyone how well they are doing, they don't have to lie....they just live their recovery and it shows.

It sounds like you are doing well with this and you sound like someone on a good path. Keep working your own recovery and life will get easier very soon.

Hugs

sofacat

"I'm allowing his words to doubt my self."

Being aware of this is a testament to your own recovery.

laurie6781

All this in 6 weeks???

Not bloddy likely I M H O.

As said above, his ACTIONS will show if and where he is in recovery. Bombarding you with txts msgs and a valentine and lying to his mother by moission are actions that say the exact opposite of what is coming out of his mouth.

So, once again he is QUACKING. Your validation is that deep in your gut you were saying uh uh, nope not there.

Continue working your program and keep moving on.

Yes, being aware of how his words can make you doubt yourself is growth for you.

Know that we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

FindingJoy

I knew you guys would set me straight when I'm spinning.

My gut says he's full of s&$t and is lying to himself, sponsor, his best 2 AA buddies, his mom, and most importantly ME!

He's doing the steps and recovery HIS way and based on what I've read in SR that is a reciepe for disaster.

Yes I am embarrassed that I let his words spin me and effect me. I am aware they are just words its the crafty way they are phrased coupled with him hurt and anger that spun me.

I know my gut is always right and I know I didn't cause all if this, I can't control or cure it. I need reassurance that I didn't unrealistic expectations on him. Are you suppose to stick it out for awhile with a recovering addict? Do I really need to subject my self to more lies and BS?
What does true 100% first year recovery in AA typically look like?

Your support along with my HP and spiritual coach are so awesome and appreciated.

FindingJoy

To cynical one the answer is NO his behaviors are not acceptable.
The issue is that I questioning if I'm wanting too much from a partner...am I unrealistic and demanding?

Yes my ExAB has called me all the above many times probably knowing it worked and made me doubt my self. :-(

laurie6781

I certainly do NOT think you are being to demanding. I know I want in a mate or companion someone who is honest and trustworthy without addiction problems.

That is NOT too demanding. I do believe that is what most folks are looking for, both males and females.

Again, trust your gut! Anything coming out of his mouth is QUACKING.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

quetzal

Hey FindingJoy as you said... "He's doing the steps and recovery HIS way and based on what I've read in SR that is a reciepe for disaster."

So true, I was with a "dry drunk" for months not realizing, he was doing it his way. At the time I wasn't looking for the information that I was blessed to come across now. You know my story and when reading some of your... sounds so familiar. The mean texts, manipulating bull$$$ really gets old. I mean I didn't tolerate any of this when I was in high school (WHAT AM I DOING)...

I feel you though, and loosing yourself can be really easy, when you were such a cheerleader for someone, that through it all doesn't even recognize ALL THAT YOU DID!!!

Big Hugs!

Q

FindingJoy

Your support and reassurance hauling with my strength has saved me today. Since blocking his #s last night he has proceeded to call one of my best friends (who happens to be her boss...I know good times). Of course she has to pick up the phone as he's her boss but thankfully when he started to manipulate her with the standard, "oh I'm so worried about her is she ok? Have you spoken with her today QUACK QUACK". My friend just ignored and said she is swamped with work and hasn't had time to speak with anyone. How inappropriate for him to involve his personal life with her job..very selfish.

Anyway. Although I'm still upset I know I did the right thing with NO CONTACT it just took me getting hurt a few more times to make it happen.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ME. What a wonderful gift I gave my self.

quetzal

Funny I still have those moments, I know its been 2 months now, and the disfunction I carry is still in me. It bothers me how easily he dropped us. I feel like I was just another person that he feels he screwed up on, so it was easy (in that pattern) to walk away. I know that he's having a harder time then I have. Only because when I saw him he was such a mess (sobbing) ... I still have that evil little voice inside of me that says that he really didn't love or care for me, that he's moving on and will never make amends. That's hard to swallow. I hear others speak on the effort that their "Qualifiers" have put in to at least try to keep them in their lives.

I know he loves me and maybe through all his disfunction is still trying to protect me by recognizing that he will just continue to destroy us... He said it several times.. "I am not good enough for you, I need to be better". I guess the rejection has been the most difficult part, the lack of... has been painful.

Can anyone relate?

flower43

Yes Quetzal. I relate. All I can tell you is that you can spend a lot of time negotiating with reality, with how we felt, what could have been, and a variety of other what ifs....but in the end, you have to let go. Let go so you can heal in peace. When or if he recovers is not up to you. That is the hardest thing I have had to do, but let go for your own recovery's sake.

quetzal

I will and thank you. I am on the path towards the bright sunshine that
At times I've forgotten, the pain of his absence lingers sometimes. He is a sad unhappy person but there were moments in light and happiness that we shared. I knew I was there for a reason, I am taking something from this that was necessary. I loved him more then he could ever imagine and I am proud to know that I could be so open. It just cut so deep..

Impurrfect

(((FindingJoy))) - I totally agree with all above.

I just want to tell you how MY recovery has been to my loved ones, mostly dad/stepmom because I live with them thanks to consequences of my addiction (can't afford a place of my own) and they knew all the dirty details the rest of F&F were spared.

My dad doesn't have a clue as to what "recovery" means. Stepmom sort of does, but she's an active addict and raging codie.

I did apologize for all the hurt and pain I'd put them through, but I'm thinking only once? I then got out and SHOWED them what recovery is. TBH, my dad knows the definition of amends, but the best I could do for him were making living amends.

As each year of my recovery passes (coming up on 5), I do tell them, I get congratulations and "I'm really proud of you" but oddly enough it was, last year, when my stepmom said "wow, I thought it had been longer than that" that made my day.

She didn't mean it hurtful, what she meant was "wow, I thought it had been longer since we were always on edge".

Soooo, IMO now his secret is out to his mom. He's wanting to prove what a good boy he is but it's all talk (and he's not doing a very good job of that) and no actions.

I'm glad you've blocked him and your friend/his boss is handling it greatly. Keep working on you, let him do him.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

FindingJoy

Well isn't it amazing the ability addicts have to find ways to get what they want?!!!

As you guys know I went NC the evening of feb 13th. Blocked number from all of my phones and text message. Since I own a business I have 5 email accounts and a open customer service account. So blocking his 3 different emails is a waste of my time as I know he will just keep creating new email accounts.

So since he just can't seem to comprehend my clear request to no contact me anymore and was shocked I follow thru (so un Codie of me) he figured out how to send text messages to email thru his blackberry.

If anyone knows of a software program that works with Macs that will easily help with email blocking that would be great.

He is SHOWING another example of how he isn't on a true recovery path by not respecting my boundaries even though he knows sees that he's blocked.

Another reinforcement that I did the right thing.