sofacat

Don't know who else to share this with but you all....

It's been 2 years since my ExAH... and I STILL haven't been able to bring myself to date anyone.

I can't seem to figure out how to "do this" dating thing. Never have been very good at it in the first place.

I always had a role to play before... "fixing, pleasing, rescuing" and that's how I would hone in on my "target".

Now it's just "ME"... stripped down and honest. And I feel more vulnerable than I ever have before. I don't know HOW to meet men that don't have SOMETHING for me to task for them.... and I ONLY still find myself attracted to men who have "issues". NOT drug issues, but challenging to get to know.

I find myself content with just being on my own, but I am lonely too. I don't go out on dates, all I see are RED FLAGS, and the only guys that seem to ask me out are the their 20's. VERY EARLY 20's (in my 40's ya'll and am NO COUGAR) I own a very successful business (and just bought the building it's in), but LITTLE DID I KNOW how much of a detriment that would be to my love life. Most men seem to shy away from me.

I spend most of my free time doing things by myself. Tonight I am taking myself to the Andrea Bocelli concert... but it would have been nice to have a date to it.

I've gone from a size 12 to a size 4/6 since the "divorce"... I feel like I look better than I ever have, and I am "lighter" in my personality now. Easier to get along with. (so everyone tells me)

But I'm trapped and can't seem to find a way out of my solitude. And for SOME reason, still unapproachable to men. It's been 2 years now...and I am stuck in a rut.

Any one else have this issue??? I know I'm not "unique"... I just can't seem to break this pattern of mine, and I so desperately want to.

flower43

Hi Sofacat, I totally relate. I am in my early 40's and it has been two years since the ex and I parted ways. Younger guys asked me out a lot before binging turned me into a fatso. Men my age have asked, but there is so much baggage it scares me a lot, particularly with what I have to do to recover.

It sounds like you are further along in your sobriety, than me. I only have 48 days. So while I can't offer you any wisdom here, I wanted you to know there is another member of the search party right here !

I am not one to ask a man out, but when my recovery is at that point, I may try to focus in on someone "normal" and ask him out. Not sure that exists, but I am going to give it a shot one day an see what happens.

LifeRecovery

Sofacat-

I am in my mid thirties and while divorced for just over a year, I was seperated and started my Al-anon recovery coming up on two.

I can relate. I am not ready for dating yet, and have not even considered it. What you wrote though I am struggling with even in establishing friendships that are good and healthy for me. Many of my long-term friendships are pretty healthy (but I live thousands of miles away from them), and the ones I made where I live all have some type of active addiction with them. Many of those are no longer in place after my divorce, but even the ones that are I am reconsidering, and don't find them working for me.

I feel pretty good in and of myself right now, but I get scared when I take it out into the big world if I can hold onto that. Inside feels good, when my inside bumps up against someone else though I am so afraid I am going to lose myself again.

I am lonely at times, but for right now know that being alone is keeping me safe. I just hope that this is not a forever feeling.

Thanks for the topic.

HopefulGF65

Sofacat, I can definitely relate as well. After I split from my last boyfriend, who was bipolar and not consistently on meds for it, I made a decision to give myself quite a while to heal and find myself again. It was great to re-discover my identity, become more involved in my interests, etc. but when I was ready to date again, it was so incredibly hard. I play sports so meeting people was never a problem. I have a large social circle and was popular in my group. But I just never got asked out. As time went on it was increasingly frustrating and when someone finally showed interest, it was just as you said - in their 20's or they were married...sheesh!

I did alot of reading on the power of energy and positive and negative thinking, projecting, etc. and the way I understood it, whatever you gave the most thought to, the most energy, is what you were projecting to happen - as in lamenting over and over that "I CAN'T get a date." The more you think that, the more true it becomes. Easier said than done I know but you sound like a very interesting and together person. I'd take a step back and take a look at how you might be projecting yourself to others. And think of your interests, if it's music, maybe find a girlfriend and go to a local coffee house to listen to a folk night or if you like reading, join a book club. There are so many local groups nowadays that gear itself to many specific interests (bike riding, boating, photography, you name it) that you can join and meet others who share your interest. That has always been my way of being the most relaxed I can be and open to meeting someone because I'm in my comfort zone.

I think you'll be fine, you just need to shake things up a bit. Good luck!!

sofacat

@LifeRecovery- "for right now know that being alone is keeping me safe. I just hope that this is not a forever feeling."

That's precisely what I'm afraid of too.

In my codie recovery I realize that it wasn't just the "A"s in my life I had issues with...I picked EVERY emotional runt I could find to be friends with....

I'm trying to make new friends, but THAT in ITSELF has been challenging. Let alone a man to spend time with. Most people around me like to go out and drink, and THAT'S just NOT what I am into..... AT ALL.

I know this is a ME problem. I realize that I am the one standing in my way at the moment, and maybe my insides are screaming for attention....perhaps my demeanor is contradictory to my true wants and desires.

I dunno.

I keep picking myself apart....

I'm too "this" or "that" and no one would be interested in me.
My house isn't perfect enough...I'm too reclusive.

I'm hesitant, in a way. Too insecure to let anyone "SEE" me.

I have NEVER let anyone see me truly. Hell, I've just become acquainted with "ME" myself. Still trying to figure out who I am really.

Once the Florence Nightengale costume came off, now it's just ME they see.
Flawed and all. Take it or leave it.

And this new pair of eyes I have, I SEE THEM TOO....
WHich is making it even MORE difficult. I feel like I LOOK for the red flags, and use them as an excuse not to get too close.

I know no ones perfect, but can't discern the Red Flags, from maybe the Red Lined flags so to speak.

It's exhausting. I'm such a hermit now. I do everything mostly on my own, which is liberating...but I would like some company, and I don't know how to get it.

I am with you on this....staying inside my own bubble IS keeping me safe.
We have PTSD maybe????

Thanks for sharing, it's nice to hear from friends who understand.

sofacat

@Hopeful.....

Have you started dating?????? ANd if yes....... how is it???
How'd you do it?

I can't believe I'm in my 40's asking these questions! I feel like an awkward teenager!

HopefulGF65

I would on again off again join a dating website and I was one of the ones who simply did not have any luck meeting anyone. they either had huge red flags right away or there just wasn't a spark.

Then, as I pushed forward with my sports and working out, I became more involved with using that to help the community I lived in and did some fundraising tournaments. I met even more people, made some great friends, and met my now boyfriend (if you read some of my other posts, you'll get the gist of what I'm going through with him - addicted to pain meds but seemingly on the right track at the moment to get it under control).

It's when we are alone and not busy taking care of someone else that we finally have no choice but to look inward. sometimes we may not like what we see and that can be scary. But it's ok, take this time to continue growing and learning, be kind to yourself, and if it's too much to put yourself out there in a potential situation to meet somoene, grab a girlfriend or two and just go out and do something fun for YOU with no intention of meeting anyone. I swear, that's when you meet someone (and that's how I met my bf, when I stopped looking). But you will get used to doing more social things. Buy yourself a nice sweater or top, do your hair a little different, treat yourself to a nice dinner, anything to make you feel good about yourself.

You'll get there, just don't be so hard on yourself. and no need to be embarrassed, dating is not easy but you can have fun along the way too ;-)

HopefulGF65

oops, duplicate post, sorry

LifeRecovery

I do have PTSD and am working on that portion of my recovery right now.

It is as I work through that (I am done with the largest chunks of it I think), that there is enough room for me to have these feelings. That I get to look at my relationships and figure out what works for me, and what does not.

I have ALWAYS had lots of friends, some very healthy, but I am also ALWAYS the one who befriends people with a lot of problems too. Often the drauma of someone else kept me from looking inward at my own stuff. Outward focused kept me from having to deal with me. I am pretty well able to own my own stuff now, but now I am unsure how to take this show on the road.

I feel like I am integrating my own therapy, al-anon etc and while it does not feel like an acute wound anymore it does ache as it is trying to heal. Knowing how to interact with others (friends, romantically etc) is part of the concern.

Oh I just thought I something. I have not read it yet, but my therapist suggested How to be an adult in a relatinship by David Richio. I have not got it yet but it might help.

I suspect some of it for me is believing in myself enough to get myself out without trying to save the entire ship if the red-lined flag becomes a red-flag.

I know we can do it though. It might just take some more time.

zoso77

I don't even want to think about dating.

Right now, my recovery is about doing the things that I need to do, and things that bring me joy. That means my career, my band, and, in the fall, finishing graduate school. In between, there's therapy and Al Anon, and getting honest with myself.

I don't have the emotional bandwidth to be in a relationship. My guard is up 24/7.

tam

sofacat, I joined here and met you in dec.2009 so I too am pretty much at the same mark as you and can totally relate.
I thought it would be good to start dating right away but being I was an emotional wreck I held off, even though some guys asked me out. Im thankful I waited cause it was more important to work on recovery.
but I would now like to date and I think we should pat ourselves on the back
for waiting and working on our recovery cause I know alot of people who didnt and from I learned rebound relationships dont work out (I probaly would
have scared any good potential away,lol). BUT Im lonely just like you said,tired of doing things alone so I joined a divorce,seperated,widowed support group at a church and it really has helped. I have met wonderful people who can understand and relate to us. I started talking to others about doing social events because we all were lonely and so far it has worked out pretty well. we go to dinners, plays,hikes,barbeques, out for drinks and have get togethers at our homes. there are guys in the group but nothing Im interested in although 1 has asked me out I declined. (he has major anger). I also joined an online group MEETUP where you can find groups in your area for any interest you have (I found divorced group) we meet 2 times a month for group support. again this has helped me.
I did go to online dating sites and that didnt work out I deleted anyone who was interested in me cause I found something wrong with each and everyone of them,lol..another sign I wasnt ready. (I dont think online sites are safe) but I put myself out there anyway..
so Im continuing my in person meetups for now hey you never know who may join....
I fully understand what you are saying..I too still feel alone but we are recovering and I have faith that things will work out, like they said when we arent looking...
I am 52 and its scary but I have met woman in their 60's who are having a great time and they are my inspiration that in time we too will be happy.
it is better to heal and recover and be happy with ourselves in order to find
or get involved in a relationship, I have been told that over & over again by professionals who speak at our meetings..hope this helps..maybe you too can find some groups to join (I dont think it would matter if its a seperated/divorce group either)..
hang in there...good things come to people who wait (gosh hope Im not in a nursing home by then,lol)....

SuzyMarie

I am kind of in the same boat...47 and single for the first time in a long time. However, my break up is still fresh and I feel nowhere near ready to date. I definitely hope to attract someone healthy and loving one day when the time is right. However, I think it starts with loving myself, which I am working on. I say positive affirmations every day and make sure they are in the present tense, ie "I am attracted to healthy and loving men and they to me", or "I have a boyfriend and we are in a healthy relationship"....whatever. I truly believe that the Universe will work it out for me while I continue to work on me. I know that does not directly address your issue sofacat, but I can relate to being in our 40's and single. Also, I do hear a lot of self doubt on your part and I think it begins with accepting and loving yourself.

sofacat

Thanks for sharing everyone.

It's nice to hear from those of us who are in the same boat.

I DID try the online dating thing too...and did the EXACT same things you guys did!

Picked them apart one by one, shrieked at others (My LORD it's creepy out there!)...
Chatted with a few, but as friends only, got REAL depressed when I saw what my options were...disabled my account...restored my account...aaaaaaaand deleted it again. I did meet one out for a drink. They call it "Duty Dating", where you just throw yourself back in there, and pick someone you're not really interested in to start with. A warm up, if you will. Sooooooo....did that. And that was it. That was a year ago. Meh.

@Anvil&Suzy- I DO like myself now.
As a matter of fact, I like myself SO MUCH..I took myself to a Bocelli concert last night!
"We' Had a great time! haha! Hell, I've been self-helping for 2.5 years now...if I don;t like me more NOW than I did, I'm pretty much screwed!!
I do think I'm better and stronger than I ever have been. More focused, and freer. A lighter heart and and easier demeanor.
I just feel extremely vulnerable, and this is all so NEW.

@tam&Hopeful- Joining some groups might be just the thing I need. After I read your suggestions, I went looking. I am learning to speak Italian, and there's a group that meets up for dinner and speaks the language.

You're right... I think I need to actually get more involved with groups that do the same things that I like as well. Excellent idea.

I'm surrounded by 20 somethings, I need to play with people in my own sand box.

Oh yeah.... I am FINALLY reclaiming my space. Getting rid of a lot of my furniture, repainting, and "girlifying" my house. It's time.

I almost forgot I can do that!

I'm going to pick up my "Eat Pray Love" book again and read it over. That one gave me a good "nudge" too.

God I love this place..... thanks you guys.

HopefulGF65

Good for you! So glad you are finding some ideas and motivation...yay!

sofacat

From EPL-by Elizabeth Gilbert

"When I get lonely these days, I think: So, be Lonely Liz, Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as a scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings."

Or in my case, another person's problems.

Glad I decided to pick up this book again.

~feel free to pour on this thread. It's not just for me, I see.
It would do us all a bit of good hearing how we're coping/not being single again.

It IS Valentine's Day after all.... spill it here.

LifeRecovery

I just finished it again, and then read Committed by her right after. It helped to put a lot in perspective.

KelleyF

I can vouch for Anvil on this one - she once told me David Beckham was not all that ! Hank is one lucky guy to have you Anvil... I know, and you - him.

sofacat

"something about dating potential ax murderers just doesn't sit right with me!!!! LOL"

Thanks Anvil.... that was both sinister and comforting.

It's freaking scary out there!! You should troll a dating site just for fun... it ain't pretty.
You'll find yourself exclaiming out loud...

"Oh helllllllllll no!" Scary.

"i'm a -thinkin' that maybe there is nothing wrong with you! that you are now a self contained unit, with a discerning palate and have yet to find that next savory delight!"

I'll take that! I will.
Today.

sofacat

Callie!!!! You know, I almost sent you a FB PM to see how YOU were doing with this? To see if you had moved forward in the romance dept...and just to say hello.
Glad you came out and drudged up your PW just for lil' ole me! That's so excellent!!!!

You and I found our undependence at the same time. All that chaos seems so far away now...I remember yours very well. I understand not being able to come here...I am on and off. I agree, sometimes it's just too painful to relive through others. I want to distance myself from addiction all together...never want to have to talk about it again, quite frankly.

Though SR does help keep my Codependence in check. I have found a forum that just deals with it, without having a qualifier...it's refreshing to not have EVERY post regarding someone's addiction to drugs. But I adore the people here, and find myself coming back. We do have history after all.

"What they didn't realize is that I was ok by myself."
You see, that's just it! I am too, really. But I am wondering if I am simply avoiding being intimate with someone because I am afraid? Insecure? Am I being an emotional recluse??? Is this fear driven? Or have I NO interest in almost ALL of the men I have met. Numb. Meh* And they have no interest in ME either, BTW. I must still have the "Um, keep walking a*hole" sign pinned to my back.

Truth is, after a very gratifying day at work, I look forward to coming home, putting on the most comfortable thing I own, playing music that I like, making myself dinner, sit with my laptop or a good book...lather, rinse, repeat. On weekends, I keep pretty much to myself really. Kind of a loner. I don't wait to do things with other people, I just go and do it on my own. But I fear I am getting too comfortable with that.

I like it. I am content. But I do miss kissing soooooooooooooooooooo much! Ugh.

I think we're close to being ready....2 solid years.
First year...healing, nurturing & growth.
Second year, discovering desires and wants...reclaiming yourself.
NOW We're into the 3rd year.

...Okay I'm ready now...bring on the fellas!! ***sound of wind blowing across a desert plain*** "Hello, is anyone out there?...anybody?"

You know I think it's excellent you have friends looking out...wanting to set you up. I do remember you talking about your childhood friend before...you didn't seem very interested in that one. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this FB friend/guy turns out to be pleasing. It's a nice boost.

Good to hear from you lady...it all helps. Knowing we're doing this thing together makes me feel okay. I'm okay. You're okay...it's okay.

Right?

Happy Valentines Day.

sofacat

WOW! I must have taken too long to write, edit, emoji my post!

Didn't realize you & Anvil came bak for a convo!

Hey Anvil... i didn't know that Cougars came from Alaska
Good for you woman...but Im not sure how much the Anvil+Hank=
love fest is helping me feel better about sleeping in a bed with 3 cats tonight.

And Callie.... I am NO model, that I promise you. It's called Photoshop!
And you'd better look me up if you come to O Town...haircut or not. Though it would be my pleasure to style, sit and chat with you.

ANd what's up with the X lurking on SR? Is he in a program??? Or is he looking to fond out about you? Hmm?