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Need To Get Mad - I just never learn.

Old 01-30-2012, 07:30 PM
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Need To Get Mad - I just never learn.

I'm not new here - just been away. I must be queen of never-learn-anything.
Tomorrow I'm taking off work. AS is in a mess - from bad to worse. We've been at this for over 20 years, and about the only thing I've learned is that for my AS, things won't change. His bottom is death. So I need to find a way to change me. Wash him out of my brain.

Stupid things I do: pay his utilities, pay some of his fines, send him money (he is on disability at $680 per month, so this doesn't go far- especially when drugging), allow him to abuse the phone I provide for him, make repairs on a camper where he lives for him, order pizza, don't turn him in when running up credit card charges, and on and on and on.

So why in the world do I feel sorry for HIM? I can't stop! He is so very pitiful. Recently had a broken relationship and was crushed by it. Think he has "graduated" to meth.

So tomorrow I plan to go get propane gas tanks for heating the camper, repair the hot water tank, take his laundry ( he has no transportation), and buy him some groceries and break my contract on his phone and put him on a prepay unlimited which will cost much less in the long run. And last, I'm taking him a list on phone numnbers and contacts for rehab - which I doubt he will even read. I've told him if he completes a program, I'll relocate his camper for the umteenth time so he can get a new start.

Why do I continue to try? I don't know. I'm trying so hard to let go, but it's not working. I am getting near retirement age, and I can't because I'm too busy supporting him. I'm afraid.

He recently came to our home about 2 hours away and was obviously so high and delusional. I wound up calling police. He thought someone was trying to kill me and he had a hunting knife. Long story short - he would not come out of the room and tried to tell police about how someone was after us. He was only dangerous to himself. We would up with about 15 cop cars and heavily armed team here for over two hours. To get him to come out of the room, they used tear gas and blew out the windows to the room. After two attempts with the gas, they burst in the door. He was committed for two weeks and released. That night was the nightmare of my life. Had to leave our home that night. So sad. Fortunately my sister and her husband came and sat with me in their car until it was over and took me home with them.

Anyway, I just needed to ask someone "Why can't I let him go?" "Will I ever let him go?" "How do I do it?" Just had to ask to see if anyone knows. I've not gotten one ounce better over the years - only worse.
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Old 01-31-2012, 01:20 AM
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He's your son and your natural instinct is to protect him. Your son has no motivation to change his lifestyle as you provide everything he needs. Until he has to stand up on his own two feet, he will continue to use you and the eternal safety net which your provide.

The biggest gift you can give your child is independence. He's not going to learn this overnight and he never will if you continue to provide a safety net for him. He's an addict. His addiction will always come first and by enabling him, you are letting it be his priority in life.

Hope this helps.
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Old 01-31-2012, 06:28 AM
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******{Washbe}}}

Maybe you've hit your own bottom.

Why haven't you let him go? Because he is your son.

How do you do it? Maybe by realizing that it's either him or you.

Who are you going to choose to save?

And then...you save yourself. You CHOOSE to. And then you do whatever it takes, to do that. Because you've devoted 20 years of your life to trying to save him.

I have a 15 year old son. I pray that he does not follow the same path as your son. But if he does, after I have done everything I think I could have possibly done, I will save myself.

Al-Anon will help me do that. How do I know? Because it's helped other people, and from being in AA I know that taking suggestions works.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers today. If I have offended you in any way, it was not intentional. I am new, so if what I posted is wrong, find love, advice, and wisdom from any of the wonderful folks here.
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Old 01-31-2012, 08:02 AM
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Unfortunately, you are as sick as he is, you are unable to think clearly and make proper
decisions for him or you.

If you are not in therapy I wold suggest that you do so. Meeting may help, however, at this pont I am not sure that they will.

Many codependents and/or addicts just do not have a bottom, you and he both may be one of them, I do not know. I do know that your enabling is not helping him, you are a big part of the problem, he will never reach his bottom if you do not stop enabling.

Get the help you need....honestly, if you die tomorrow who is going to take over your obsession with your son? Perhaps, you should allow him the dignity to learn how to take care of himself, to become an adult...and possibly someday a responsibile one.

If I sound harsh I am sorry, however, you are out of control and as a result, so is he.
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Old 01-31-2012, 08:05 AM
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May I enquire about his disability.

He sounds capable of getting drugs, using your credit cards and getting himself to your home.
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Old 01-31-2012, 08:23 AM
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I read the back story and understand you have been at this for a long,long time. What might be the outcome if you ceased enablement and cushioning the consequences of his choices?
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Old 01-31-2012, 09:34 AM
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It is possible to love a child to death. I watched it happen over the years with an addict my AD worked for back in high school.

Her parents made sure she was never without, paid for a dozen rehabs, and financed two businesses for her.

Fortunately her father died many years before she did, but her mother got to bury her.
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Old 01-31-2012, 10:03 AM
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I think you will stop when you realize that you are not helping him.

You can't know where his bottom is if you won't step away and let him find it.

Saying prayers for both of you.
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Old 01-31-2012, 10:15 AM
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What incentive does he have to take care of himself when you are doing everything for him? Why should he rock that boat? He has a place to live, food, heat, laundry service, taxi, phone service, and everything else and all he has to do is sit around and do dope. You are making everything so easy for him. Of course, you could also be killing him.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. He's not going to change until you do, and maybe not even then. That's his business. Try doing something different instead of continuing to do the same stuff you've been doing for years. That hasn't really been working out for anyone but him.
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Old 01-31-2012, 10:30 AM
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unfortunately everyone who posted is correct, especially the point that dolly makes about some people having no bottom.everytime i thought i reached my bottom as a codie, instead of making a change, i adapted and set the bottom lower. i'd reach that place and do it all over again. and again. and again.

my situation involves a significant other, i can only imagine the struggles of dealing with this with a child. after a long time hoping and waiting, i finally have stepped aside. so much so that i dont even come around here too often any more.

i started naranon meetings a couple months ago. what i wanted to pass on to you is that i have met parents in situations just like you, but through the program, they have found their serenity. i found some too. this is not a journey for us to do alone. and with the support of others, you can gain some grounding. even if just a tiny bit, it is at least a foundation. just like the addict has to work on themselves, so do we. it is the onyl way out.

i stayed stuck for months and months wit hthe carrot of rehab being dangled in front of me. i would not step away fro long because she was so close. finally i realized close isnt enough. at least you know you have support here on this board.
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Old 01-31-2012, 08:10 PM
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I hope you begin to realize that you have a right to a good life. And your son has the right to live his life as he chooses, even if you don't think it's the right way to live.

This addiction stuff is particularly tough on a mother's heart.

gentle hugs from another Mom
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Old 01-31-2012, 08:33 PM
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Thanks for the spanking. I know I need it. Not trying to sound defensive, there have been many times that I have allowed him to reap what he had sown. He has spent 3 years in prison. He lived on the streets for several years sleeping in filth. I have had my phone number changed, only to have him somehow learn it after a few months.

About his disability - he was in a motorcycle wreck almost 4 years ago and spent 4 months in the hospital with all limbs smattered, many surgeries, and MRSA infection which he still battles. I do guess since this accident, I have gotten worse. Now I feel he does need my help in some ways.

I did spend the day with him today to set the wheels in motion for letting go. Yes, I bought propane for heat for the camper, a few groceries and helped with getting him to the laundry to do the month's worth of dirty clothes. Yes we fought verbally. He was edgy and I did not enjoy time with him. Actually he looked much better than I thought he would. I left with him a list of places to look for help, which I'm sure he won't do. I'm cancelling the contract on his phone. In the long run, it will save. I can't say I will stop providing the lot rent for his camper and the utilities. Even off of drugs, that just can't be done on less than $700 a month.

I have attended naranon for several years in the past and found it quite helpful. There isn't a group near where I live, but did recently find another group - Celebrate Recovery.
I think you're right, at this point, it's not really a group I need. It's some serious counseling, and I'm working on that.

Guess I sound very defensive. I don't mean to. I don't totally regret everything I have done. He is still alive, thought he wants death. That is his bottom. But I have learned, and hope this doesn't sound too bad, that there are some things worse than death. Many of us here have lived through it. i don't want to live like that any longer.

Think I'll stick around here awhile.
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Old 02-01-2012, 06:10 AM
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Washbe!!! :ghug3

I almost jumped off my chair when I saw your name here, you arrived at SR about the same time as I did, maybe even on the same bus. So here or not, we have walked this path a long time together, and we know the drill.

Ahh, sweetie, it never gets easier but it does get better as we go. My son has been missing for many years now, lost somewhere in his addiction, and what helps me get through my days is to say a prayer each morning and ask God to take care of him. Then I live my day well, as life is intended to be lived, and just trust that God's got the rest under control.

Our sons may be still at it, but "we've" changed, and that can make all the difference. It still hurts to watch them destroy their lives, it still hurts to give up the dreams we had for them, but acceptance and faith are good healers and we don't have to give up our lives to save theirs, because we both learned a long time ago that's not how it works.

Some come over here and sit by another old-timer here. Let's share a soda and talk of better times. It's not every day a good friend comes by for a visit, and you have tickled my heart today.

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Old 02-01-2012, 02:39 PM
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Hello Washbe! It's good to see you again, even under the circumstances!

This mom stuff surely ain't for weenies. It's hard work, especially when our kids make some really bad decisions and we have a front row seat to their self destruction.

I remember Jon saying that I could love my son to death if I wasn't careful... that I needed to allow him the dignity and joy of experiencing the consequences of his own actions. And oh by gosh that was so incredibly hard to do! Thank goodness I had all of you here to walk with me through those terribly difficult times.

I hope you're able to find some peace, and perhaps allow some distance between him and you so that you can rest and enjoy that peace.

We're here for you, and that's the beauty of this place. You can go away and come back, and SR will still be here with other moms who will stand next to you and hold your hand during the really scary parts.

Hugs
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Old 02-01-2012, 02:39 PM
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Hello Washbe! It's good to see you again, even under the circumstances!

This mom stuff surely ain't for weenies. It's hard work, especially when our kids make some really bad decisions and we have a front row seat to their self destruction.

I remember Jon saying that I could love my son to death if I wasn't careful... that I needed to allow him the dignity and joy of experiencing the consequences of his own actions. And oh by gosh that was so incredibly hard to do! Thank goodness I had all of you here to walk with me through those terribly difficult times.

I hope you're able to find some peace, and perhaps allow some distance between him and you so that you can rest and enjoy that peace.

We're here for you, and that's the beauty of this place. You can go away and come back, and SR will still be here with other moms who will stand next to you and hold your hand during the really scary parts.

Hugs
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Old 02-01-2012, 06:48 PM
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Ann!!!!! I was so hoping to hear from you! Sorrry I've been away so long, friend. You always know the right thing to say and I appreciate you so very much!!! Thanks.
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Old 02-01-2012, 06:50 PM
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Hi, Cats!!! Feel like I'm having a reunion here, and it's actually making me tear up a little bit! Thank you so much for the support. I'm glad to still see a few, though not very many, familiar names around here. Feel like I've come home.
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Old 02-01-2012, 07:29 PM
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Since you've been dealing with this for 20 years I do not feel at all qualified to give you advice but I wanted to send along my support. I wouldn't wish the pain of being a mother of an addict on my worst enemy.

Anger is something I'm just not capable of.. I can find a way to justify the actions of anyone. Am just recently starting to see that this is not serving me well. Since I know I can't rely on anger to make me let go I've found another way. Anytime I have the urge to "help" my son I envision that the money I'm spending is going directly to buying him drugs (because that is really what it's doing). Any dollar I spend for his rent is another dollar he can spend on drugs. If I buy him a bag of groceries I might as well just buy him a couple bags of drugs because I just freed up his money to do just that.

Right now my son is in jail so I have a bit of reprieve (as horrible as that may sound) from having to toe the line and deal with the consequences (my own guilt) of telling him "NO". I hope that when he gets out I can continue to be strong -- and I hope that you can find the strength to do what you know is really best for you son -- letting him go.

((hugs))
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