Need To Get Mad - I just never learn.
I'm not new here - just been away. I must be queen of never-learn-anything.
Tomorrow I'm taking off work. AS is in a mess - from bad to worse. We've been at this for over 20 years, and about the only thing I've learned is that for my AS, things won't change. His bottom is death. So I need to find a way to change me. Wash him out of my brain.
Stupid things I do: pay his utilities, pay some of his fines, send him money (he is on disability at $680 per month, so this doesn't go far- especially when drugging), allow him to abuse the phone I provide for him, make repairs on a camper where he lives for him, order pizza, don't turn him in when running up credit card charges, and on and on and on.
So why in the world do I feel sorry for HIM? I can't stop! He is so very pitiful. Recently had a broken relationship and was crushed by it. Think he has "graduated" to meth.
So tomorrow I plan to go get propane gas tanks for heating the camper, repair the hot water tank, take his laundry ( he has no transportation), and buy him some groceries and break my contract on his phone and put him on a prepay unlimited which will cost much less in the long run. And last, I'm taking him a list on phone numnbers and contacts for rehab - which I doubt he will even read. I've told him if he completes a program, I'll relocate his camper for the umteenth time so he can get a new start.
Why do I continue to try? I don't know. I'm trying so hard to let go, but it's not working. I am getting near retirement age, and I can't because I'm too busy supporting him. I'm afraid.
He recently came to our home about 2 hours away and was obviously so high and delusional. I wound up calling police. He thought someone was trying to kill me and he had a hunting knife. Long story short - he would not come out of the room and tried to tell police about how someone was after us. He was only dangerous to himself. We would up with about 15 cop cars and heavily armed team here for over two hours. To get him to come out of the room, they used tear gas and blew out the windows to the room. After two attempts with the gas, they burst in the door. He was committed for two weeks and released. That night was the nightmare of my life. Had to leave our home that night. So sad. Fortunately my sister and her husband came and sat with me in their car until it was over and took me home with them.
Anyway, I just needed to ask someone "Why can't I let him go?" "Will I ever let him go?" "How do I do it?" Just had to ask to see if anyone knows. I've not gotten one ounce better over the years - only worse.