Didn't let it show, but I felt sorry for him.

Old 01-31-2012, 12:41 PM
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Didn't let it show, but I felt sorry for him.

Last night my AH wanted "to talk" about how I was feeling about everything.

He said he thought that I still had a wall up towards him. He said he was hoping that our relationship would have moved a little further along than what it has. He feels as though I may never forgive him. (Little back ground: AH is 5 months clean from pills after using for 10+ yrs)

Then he started the "no one loves me I am a failure and i have messed up all of our lives" bit.

He was all over the place! Started to play the blame game and at one point he tried to point his finger at me saying "well you drink too" LOL oh boy that was a real reach!!! I only drink maybe one time a month like 2 drinks socially. What the heck is he saying . .

I stayed calm and let him talk. I put my 2 cent in and clarified my feelings when I needed to, but the whole conversation really just felt like him venting. I guess he has a right to vent.

I do have to say though I felt sorry for him just a little. He has alot of growing to do as I do too, but the growing pains are still hard. I also felt really mad though that he was confronting me about still "having a wall up". Apparently he thinks I should have already forgot about everything we have gone through and I am suppose to majically fall back in love with him. I mean what a joke. I really wanted to yell and scream but I didn't.

We ended the conversation "I think" with just the understanding that we are both just trying to work on us and that it just takes time. He asked me for a hug and we both cried.

I feel bad for him and i have had some moments that I have wanted to just stuff my feelings and smile and say everything will be ok (rescue him) They only last a sec though and then i recognize them. He needs to recognize what drugs have done to our family and feel his pain just like I need to do the same.

When he says things like "why is it taking you so long to get over this" and making a crazy statement like "well you drink too" it makes me think he has not gotten real with his addiction and does not understand just how hurtful this has all been. What do you guys think?
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Old 01-31-2012, 12:59 PM
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Then he started the "no one loves me I am a failure and i have messed up all of our lives" bit.
Yeah, I've heard variations on that, including one keeper approximately one week before my ex blamed me for not having any grace or dignity.

Just remember: the addict is capable of both incredible self pity and unfathomable ugliness and can swap between the two at warp speed.
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Old 01-31-2012, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
Just remember: the addict is capable of both incredible self pity and unfathomable ugliness and can swap between the two at warp speed.
Wouldnt the world be a sweet place, if only addicts and recovery addicts had this trait....unfortunately that is not the case.

I think its quite possible that after 5 months of his recovery; AH does feel guilt and remorse. What we see on this forum is only a snapshot of the interaction between a couple.

But, he has to back up his feelings of regret with action in an attempt to make ammends to his family, and earn back trust, etc.
If he is not doing this, then you need to point that out to him.

There is no timetable for forgiveness; no right or wrong. Sometimes it never happens. But if you want to forigve and you want to rebuild; then I think you have to take action on your part also.

My BF relapsed, had a one night stand, and od'd all in one night - last Dec.
Ive dealt with all of it but the cheating. I have forgiven him; I wont go into my thought process because we each have our own. He is doing his absolute best to re-earn my trust; but as a partner in the relationship I have to also figure out what I need from him and express that.

Im sure you have a lot of pain, and your right - he needs to know that and to experience his own pain related to how his actions hurt you.

So really my only suggestion is that you try to openly communicate with him on a daily basis, and actively work it through the issues.

If your already doing this, then just stay strong and carry on.

Hugs,
kel
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Old 01-31-2012, 10:29 PM
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Kelley you bring up the topic of amends which is very helpful. What do amends though action look like? Your point that making amends isn't about saying "I'm sorry" is so powerful to me as any one of us who's been involved with an addicts has heads at least 5000 sorrys.

IMHO addicts are the best at apologizing and why wouldn't they be with all the practice they have....just as I'm an excellent problem solver (OF OTHERS PROBLEMS) which I learned from years of practice as a Codie.

Sorry small ramble there. What are some examples of sincere action based amends versus a quack attack?

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Old 02-01-2012, 06:47 AM
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Originally Posted by FindingJoy View Post
What do amends though action look like? Your point that making amends isn't about saying "I'm sorry" is so powerful to me as any one of us who's been involved with an addicts has heads at least 5000 sorrys.
I can only share my own experience with making amends after I got clean/sober. I was taught not to say "I'm sorry," but rather "What can I do to make this right?"

You are right in that just saying I'm sorry doesn't cut it as that's said over and over and over during active alcoholism.

For some people, I had a debt to repay and did so. For other people, the best amends I could make was to stay the heck out of their lives. For the people closest to me, namely my parents, the best amends I could/can do is by working a strong program of recovery, owning my own stuff, and working on becoming a better person.

It took years for my parents to trust me, and rightfully so. My mother still has a lot of anger over my active days unfortunately, but she has chosen to not have a program of recovery for herself, nor my dad. I've been clean/sober for 21 years, and my happiness isn't contingent on whether they hold resentments towards me, or any of their "stuff" for that matter.

I hope that clarifies things a little.

Sending you hugs of support.
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Old 02-01-2012, 07:31 AM
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((Finding Joy))

Answering this question only as it relates to me and my BF because only the Original Poster can say what harm was done to her family and what steps of action she feels her husband must take to repair the damage.*

In my case, I have had to really think about what BF could do to really make amends for cheating.
My answer may not be enough for everyone; and when your on the receiving end....you have to search your heart to determine what you really need*

It was important that my BF accept responsibility for cheating. Admit that the act of doing drugs, did not excuse his behavior. That his cheating was a separate choice
It was most important that he was willing to discuss what happened, listen attentively, be open and honest with his feelings, understand what pain he caused me, in what ways it affects our relationship, and have genuine remorse for his actions

Also most important was to understand why he cheated. In BF case, he is working this, along with his drug issues with a psychiatrist.*
So I feel he is committed to changing his behavior

And then last, he and I have to work together to rebuild trust. I say "we" because he needs me to be honest with him about what I need to accomplish this; for a while it was giving me space to process, or making me feel "safe and loved", having patience, spending quality time together building our relationship. It's ongoing, but through his actions he shows he loves me, respects me, is considerate of my needs, makes our relationship a priority, etc

For me, it's all I need. But as I said, to others it might not be enough.
I think it's subjective.

Hope that helps in some small way.
Kel
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Old 02-01-2012, 08:13 AM
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Originally Posted by karrie1207 View Post
...Then he was confronting me about still "having a wall up"... What do you guys think?
Who built the wall?

Originally Posted by karrie1207 View Post
...When he says things like "why is it taking you so long to get over this" and ....
Why did it take him so long to get over drugs?

Originally Posted by karrie1207 View Post
.... What do you guys think?
That it must have been a really uncomfortable conversation. Is there any neutral way to divert such conversations?
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Old 02-01-2012, 08:24 AM
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AH did end up making the conversation more about him than me. I think he really wanted to talk to me, but instead of just saying that he tried to make it about me to get the conversation started.

From AH actions I feel as though he has one foot in the recovery door. Some days he seems as though he is doing good and then others he falls short a bit. . . that’s all of us though huh.

It's kinda like the stock market. When looking for a stock to invest in you look at its track record and try and judge whether or not it's a good investment. It's really tough to take the risk of putting your money into a stock that has been failing for so many years! I think the best route would be to sit back and watch it a little bit to see that it is on the rise or that it is stable.

Sometimes I feel as though my AH is doing all of the surface things like cleaning the house, cooking dinner, taking out the trash but when I sit and talk to him and try and really connect with him it seems there is something missing. He doesn't seem to really connect the dots of his addiction. He is still thinking that just stopping the drugs is what recovery is all about.

There is nothing I can do about his recovery. It is his and I am just trying to focus on mine. My questions and sharing of this post were really to make sure I'm not off base with my thinking. To gather different people’s views of how to interpret the conversation.

AH is trying to make amends. It's just when he says things like he said the other night it makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a horrible feeling. We are trying to be open with each other. We do things together, plan family dates and have fun together, but anything on an intimate level or having a deep conversation is awkward and I feel like I am guarding my heart. I know I'm not letting him in. . I know I have a wall up, but I'm not ready to let it down yet. Maybe I will never be ready. I am just going to keep working on cleaning up my side of the street and doing the next best thing.

It does suck not knowing what is going to happen. I want the crystal ball damn it! I want to have a 5 year plan hell I want to have a 6 month plan lol I am trying to accept that I can only take each min or each hour as it comes. Geeesshhh sounds so simple but it's so dang hard!
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Old 02-01-2012, 08:54 AM
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AH is trying to make amends. It's just when he says things like he said the other night it makes me uncomfortable.
When I make amends, I take action to not continue doing the things that hurt others in the first place.

If I stole from someone in my active alcoholism, my amends include both restitution and not stealing again.

If I constantly shifted the blame for my problems to others, my amends include not blame-shifting anymore.

If I looked at someone else's drinking to take the focus off of me, regardless of how they drank, my amends include staying on my side of the street, and taking responsibility for my own stuff.

Just my two cents! Sending you hugs of support!
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Old 02-01-2012, 09:11 AM
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Tiredandspent you are exactly right and that is what I told him. When he asked why is it taking me so long to get over it I reminded him that we have been together for 6 years and for 6 years he has been using. It has been 6 years in the making and is not going to be fixed over night. I also asked him to respect me and the time it may take for me to recover from the damage. It is very frustrating that I have to remind him of that. After all of the crap and he wants ME to hurry up and get over it ggggrrrr

Freedom thank you for really breaking it down! You made it easy for me to see where the effort really needs to be on his part. At the same time you made me realize where I need to be focusing so that I also don't miss it.
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Old 02-01-2012, 10:04 AM
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The chump is 29 I mean the champ and I am 30 lol ; )
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Old 02-01-2012, 11:01 AM
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Karrie,



I understand the frustration thing; if we could just be guaranteed that our journey down the yellow brick road - leads to something wonderful...
And if it just didn't take so long to travel the road....Just to find out. *

I also understand about protecting your heart and those intimate moments.
I was frustrated over my own feelings and the fact that I hadnt been ready to be physically intimate with the BF since this happened. It had nothing to do with his demands, just me trying to rush myself. *So I suggested to him*that we just "do it" and have it out of he way. Well, BF the wise soul that he is- shut that idea down, and basically told me to not rush my process of healing. That it wasn't good for either of us in the long run.... Oy.....

Then I realized that I was*trying to run' down that yellow brick road. Probably would have slipped off and fell down a hill or something.*

Your doing the right thing in just walking it one step at a time. *

Wishing you Peace
Kel
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Old 02-01-2012, 09:35 PM
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Dont we all deserve to feel comfortable, safe. And loved in being intimate with the partner we choose?

If we wouldn't invest money in a company with a bad 6 year record why would we invest something more important like our heart, mind, and spirit?

I'm using "we" as the universal WE

Questions that came to my mind...I know my answers although that doesn't seem to make me miss my RExAB any less. :-(
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