coffeedrinker

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Ceres

I was so useless as far as work today, I just got done 1:01am. Couldn't wait to come in here and write out my thoughts so I can work with them better.

Guess what? This stuff works! - Imagine That. ;-)

Husband was out all day watching the game. He didn't get home until around 9:30. He looked not so good. I think I know what that look is, I think it's the look of someone not quite as high as they'd like to be 'cause the wife REALLY knows. Anyway, he rushed off to bed. I waited a little while and then went upstairs.

I laid down next to him with my head on his chest and just laid there a while. Can't remember the last time we did something as simple as that. After a while I asked him if he was feeling ok ect.. Then I said "You know, we're not well. We haven't been well for a very long time. I'm worried about you. I don't want you to think you have to do this alone. We can do it together". He was very, very, silent.

Then there's that moment again, same as last time when it seemed like he wanted to say something, only didn't. This time it was a good five minutes! That's huge progress to me. He WAS listening. I could almost feel his vulnerability. It was a very intimate experience (I forgot what that felt like). So, I said "What do you think might help you? You seemed so happy after you went to rehab, do you think going back is something you might want to do?". Guess what he says? "Why would I go to rehab?" loudly. I swear it was like cybil or something. I didn't say anything and laid there a while longer. Then, I said low and soft "Remember what I said to you last night? You know what you're doing and I know what you're doing. You need to know that I know. Things are changing now. I'm changing, I don't want to see us end up apart". That's all I said. He didn't say one word. I laid there for a few minutes and then came down here to work.

I practiced this conversation as to use the RIGHT words. I did good!!

Wev've never discussed the drug use while it was going on, EVER. The first time he went to rehab, I really had nothing to do with it. He was sick as a dog before I finally got enlightened <duh>. I wasn't even at home when it happend, I was at a meeting just sitting there with my moment of clarity. So, I dropped 2 AA guys off at my house and got coffee. shortly there after, they called to say he agreed to go to hospital. He was really, really, sick.

Turns out one of the phramacies got wise to him because he accidently went in the SAME one with another prescription from another doctor the NEXT day.

I'm more convinced now than ever that all will turn out alright for me, as long as I continue listening and putting all this good advice from you ladies to use.

Okay, so now what? I didn't push him into anything, I'm hoping gentle nudging will get it through his thick head. Wendsday still seems resonable to me. I figure Wendsday might be the day where I explain something along the lines of

"This is your life, I know it's really hard for you right now. Here's an opportunity to take it back. You don't need to be enslaved another day if you don't want to."

That's as far as I've gotten.

Back to me, I'm going to take some proactive action for myself. A sort of preparation for the worst. Tomorrow I'm going to change the house up just a bit. A little redecorating.

I'm going to stop relying on him for anything. Mostly it's just little things. Like him stopping at the store on his way home. If it's something for the kids, that's different. But, I shall ask no item for myself. I'll go when he gets home.

Thank you all for your patience!! Thought?

sofacat

Then there's that moment again.........when it seemed like he wanted to say something, only didn't.

God do I know that look! I would get so excited inside when I could see it was right there...he wanted to tell Me....I would literally hold my breath and in my head, say "Come on, you can do it! You can do it!" Like babies first step. It would be the most promising few seconds.....and then the moment would slip away. Urrrrrgh!

I'm hoping gentle nudging will get it through his thick head.

That's a crap shoot really. He hears you, they all do....it's just a matter of how in their heads they are answering to themselves. The saying "you're only as sick as your secrets" applies here. They have been lying about everything for so long, it has become a way of life for them. That's why they need help with the "rewiring".

The hardest part for us is to not take it personally. To detach. I was never very good at that. I would go over everything in my head a million times, switch my tactics....and all to no avail. Our intentions are good, we want them to be well. We want happy lives with our mates, and we will do everything in our power to change it....then comes The First Step.

We F&F have to remind ourselves often:

We didn't cause it.
We can't control it.
We can't cure it.

I'm going to take some proactive action for myself.....and you find yourself here. Excellent!



The only word of Caution I have for you is to mind your own expectations of what the outcome of all of this may be and realize, his addiction is out of your hands. You're doing the right thing by you and your children by becoming completely self sufficient and getting your strength back. Try to keep your mind open to all possibilities of what he may or may not do....you haven't laid out your boundaries yet....and his reaction may surprise you for the better or for the worse. As long as you are doing all of these things for you, without any expectations other than for your own life to improve...things will get better.

I am so happy to see how far you have come with all of this. You sound so great! It's nice to see you here in a place of loving yourself more. I'm routing for you Lady!

Slag

Sounds like you are taking care of yourself. Progress not perfection. I am not a lady I hope you do not mind me answering. Alanon may help as well.

This too shall pass

Ceres

Thanks!

I'm scouring over the first step study guide sticky.

My life IS unmanagable. I feel like there are Calico Bunnies in my head having a tea-party. I'm overwhelmed.

My new motto:

We didn't cause it.
We can't control it.
We can't cure it.

"The only word of Caution I have for you is to mind your own expectations of what the outcome of all of this may be and realize, his addiction is out of your hands".

Thanks, last night I started to worry, "What if he says that it's not that bad, I don't need rehab I'll do meetings" I worried because "I KNOW BEST!" REHAB!" <rolling eyes> I don't know much of anything now do I?

So, I need to battle that today as it's time for another baby step in a day or so. I don't want to screw it up and make things hard on myself by going one step forward & two steps back.

Alanon is my HP right now, I surrender. Do with me what you will! <smile>.

Chino

You're taking steps you're comfortable with and so is he. It's just that you're walking a different path right now. He may decide to walk with you again - or not - and he'll do it in his own time. It's back to let go and let God, or other choices that ultimately lead to insanity.

That's where those boundaries come into play. Not rules, more like your personal value system. What are the things in life you will/won't tolerate? I thought I had firm boundaries before my daughter's addiction. Holy smokes, was I ever kidding myself. They weren't firm because I wasn't prepared to defend my boundaries. I wasn't consistent and that allowed invasions, constant attacks on my sanity.

I've learned boundaries are the key to unlocking co-dependency. They set me free. With boundaries I am ME. Without them I am whoever the other person is and all their issues. My life was one huge fubar because there were lots of people and all their issues. I was addicted to drama.

I had to find and establish my boundaries before I could move onto the consequences of violating them, then actually enforce them. Baby steps

Ceres

Thanks fo that whole post, it was loaded with goodies.

I've learned boundaries are the key to unlocking co-dependency. They set me free. With boundaries I am ME. Without them I am whoever the other person is and all their issues. My life was one huge fubar because there were lots of people and all their issues.

I'll be getting down to the gritty on that one.

THIS is soooo much harder than the AA program. Who'da thunk!?

I'm in here now because I'm mad. MAD. He called on his way home because he was stoping at the store. He's in such a GOOD mood. He walked in the door like all happy. Anger came unexpected! Sneaky little devil.

It'll pass. I figure as long as I'm busy here at the computer I wont give him dirty looks or weird vibes, and/or god forbid SAY anything!

Wish someone was here following me around with a fly swatter or cattle prod to give me a whack when I think, do, or say anything STUPID.

Guess I'll go find the Anger thread. ;-

Ceres

Yeah, My butts staying firmly in this chair. I thought "well, since he just got home, I don't want to ignore him. So I went and sat down to watch tv with him for a bit. But, I must reek of crazy. 'Cause he says "what's wrong".


!@#$*&!!!!!

I know I've read this scenario in here before. Please tell me it's kind of like a rite of passage or something. As a large part of me would LOVE to tell him EXACTLY what's wrong.

endzoner

and whats stopping you from speakin saying whats there .. ? nuttin changes if nuttin changes ~ huggles ~

Slag

........if you do and you do not get the response you want????or if you get the response you do want????

Or possibly call a sponsor or friend or someone you just want to hear some semblance of sanity from???? Take care of you!!!

coffeedrinker

I think the title to this:



is this:


DENIAL


Brace yourself.

Ceres

Hey Endsy :-) Because I still need to learn the language. I'm a wee abrasive at times. This would be one of those times. I want to minimize regrets. I know enough to see that, in his pinpoint eyes, I'm the enemy. It's important for me that I not act like it. I'm gearing up.

Slag:
Exactly, it would have went nowhere. It dawned on me today that if he just decided to say "I want to go to rehab" (which he wouldn't). I wouldn't have the slightest idea how. So, I'll be looking into what's available ahead of time. We do have good insurance <whew> This is on the top of my list tomorrow.

CoffeeDrinker:
BINGO!, right? I don't know what I was expecting. I wasn't expecting anything. Really. I wasn't prepared for this awkwardness. I don't want to do "normal" anymore. Because I know nothing remotely resembling normal is there. Even sitting in the same room watching T.V. just isn't working for me anymore, and we're not even talking!

I just said "nothing" and came back to the computer. I didn't say it like you know how we women say it. ;-) I said it pretty normal. Nothing.

He went to bed early which was a relief. I'm bugged because they're calling for a big dump of snow here again tomorrow. So, anything regarding a trip to a facility may be out of the question by the time he gets home.

Honestly, I want him out of the house! This is nuts.

I was thinking "screw this". Why wait to try and have "the talk" Wednesday? Do it tomorrow.

Only I already said Wednesday to myself, so I want to stick to my own word. Makes it feel less impulsive and more structured somehow.

I'm so grateful for everyone. :-)

endzoner

I get the promise in your mind to wait til wensday and all .. but theres not a slite chance your hoping that extra day ( due to snow ) would give him more time would it ?

You know he knows you know .. and nuttin changes be it a day early or a day later .
only thing is , if he wants to use bad enuff , that snow WILL NOT stop him from reaching out and getting what it is he needs to fill that addiction , But it would stop him to use that as an excuse NOT to go do what your seekin him to do .

I know youll wait till tomarrow , and that cool I hope for your sake and your sons . things go the way your planning . but as many say .. its when things are planned that things end up not going the way they were planned . ~ huggles Endzy ~

Ceres

Hi Endsy,

"You know he knows you know .. and nuttin changes be it a day early or a day later".

<sigh> Yeah, I woke up earlier than he did this morning. I was sitting in the dark in the living room when he came down. Maybe it was the dark. I opened my mouth.

I'll get into it more. I need to do some reading so that when I post I can get the most beneficial advice without everyone having to point me in the obvious direction:

What I seriously DO need help with right now is WHAT to read. I've been all over and am confused. Does anyone have a favorite outline of boundaries, when to let go, etc...

It would be greatly appreciated. I've been over these posts today. Seriously, I'm like a kindergartner. I need a clearer lesson plan. In 6 hours to boot.

Please send me some links!

Ceres

P.S.
The powerful posts stickies is full of good stuff. But it's hard for me to process all the different views, hard to sort through. I know it's just me.

Chino

This is the boundaries worksheet they gave us at my RAD's rehab and hope it gives you a good place to start:

If you _________, I will confront the behavior and share my feelings.

If you continue _________, I will ________ to take care of myself.

endzoner

Ali.. tho I have never ben in the shoes you are in , I can tell you a lil something mite make sence , mite not
My hubbie is a tinkerr.. meaning he likes to work on things example his sled .. well .. he said last month that its all done , theres no need in puttin in any more parts etc . Well he reads alottttt , has this site he goes to kinda like here , but its for sleds repair ect .. It seems each time he reads it he finds something more , and askes many ppl the same questions bout what mite be the problem . yet he knows whats wrong .
My point here is , that no matter how much one reads etc .. it still boils down to that part is broke . I told him stop reading so much an do what you think is best and how to do it , how many times does he have to read the same thing over and over again .
Your a very bright lady , I dont think theres a wrong way to do what you need to do , the fear is whats driving you to do re analize each thought . Were here to support you, and back up how ever it is you need to do it . like I said , I really dont think theres a wrong way . The right thing is , is that your takin the steps and doing whats best for you ! Each person is differant and handle a situation diff then I would . massive huggles dear .. I dont know if this helped or even made sence to you , ~ huggles Endzy ~

Slag

Ali I hope this helps

"Today I will be alert to the differences between good and evil in my actions. I pray for the strength to take a stand." Touchstones

Chino

When you're ready. It's pretty much the same thing as when an addict hits bottom. The pain of being with them becomes greater than not being with them.

I understand that a thousand times over. Learning the language on this side of the fence is for us, though sometimes it benefits them. We change our thought patterns so that we no longer enable and ultimately end up compromising our serenity. If this is your goal, more power to you!

That reminds me... here's the codie version of the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the people I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.

Ceres

I'm soaking this all in. All of it.

Here's where I'm stuck and might want some unput from people who are just staying away from my babbling thread:

It was generously pointed out by a friend that I not confuse relationship issues with boundaries.

The definition of Boundaries may not apply?

There are no unacceptable outbursts. Nothing behavior concrete.

Now, what is unacceptable is the state of the marriage itself. Probably everything you could think of beginning with communication and ending with sex. Nothings there. To make it more complicated - That brings it back to it being a WE issue, as relationship issues should duly be given ample effort on both sides.

How do WE do this when one of us is on drugs? Can't be done as far as I see. I'm ready to face what I brought to this mess, my contributions. But, honestly. He's not present. Nobody's home. Nowhere to go.

I realized this past week what someone said earlier, no eye contact! For YEARS. Only noticed it when trying to see them myself. My mind flew back to countless times I've said "Please look at me" while talking. <smack>

Is denial Beating me down or do I need to explore this more:

HIM: Big time denial and finger pointing. / Drug use and fear

AND/OR

ME: Big time denial and finger pointing. / Relationship issues and fear

I'm a mess.