Chino

Callie, you and yours remain in my thoughts and prayers, including your husband.

slowburn68

I know exactly where you are right now. My AH was on Methadone and Xanax also. He was like a diffrent person. I would search the house and cars until I found his pills and then I would flush them. For a long time he would never have the nerve to confront me about the pills being gone. After awhile he got much worse and just became a very short tempered. That was so unlike the sober him. When I was pregnant with our last daughter who is now 1 he became violent. He never hit me but that doesn't make it any better. One night he put his hand through the kitchen window and came aftter me because I wouldn't allow him to stay in my home any longer. He even blamed me because his hand wouldn't stop bleeding and got mad because I wouldn't take him to the ER. Not long after that he showed up and dropped his bottle of pills on the floor. I picked them up and all hell broke loose. I was 9 months preg at that time. He ripped them out of my hand and pushed me out of the way and left. My point here is that no matter how much you fight argue or throw their stuff away it doesn't make a diffrence. They are not them selves and the addiction has total control of them. It's not because he doesn't love you or care about you. The need for the drugs takes over. My AH stopped using after that night. He was clean for over a year. He relapsed a little over 3 months ago and died of an overdose of Methadone and Xanax. I am very angry with him, but I also know that there is nothing I could have done to change things. All I can do now is try to heal from all of this and go on with my life and raise our children the best I can. I pray that your AH doesn't end up like mine, but if he does just remember there is nothing you could have done to change it and theres nothing you can do now. He has to do the changing all on his own. Hope I haven't been to harsh.

NeedingHelp7

Oh Callie, what an outcome huh? I am so sorry. I know losing him is a huge loss for you. You did all you could possibly do.

Insulated

XYZ: Well good...hey, I saw your name in the paper (last saturday divorce proceedings)
Callie: Yeah
XYZ: Hey, I just wanted to know if I could take you out sometime.


Can you say stalker?

hello-kitty

Awww honey. Your healing begins now - based in the reality of the situation, self love and protecting your children.

It's much easier for me to love my ex from afar because I'm not caught up in his addiction or being destroyed by his bad choices.

He is free to do what he wants now. You have given him a great gift and an opportunity.

tjp613

(((Callie))) My heart hurts for you. What a painful lesson for all of you. You are doing the right thing for your children and are to be admired for being so brave. I pray that you find serenity soon. XOXO.

Callie

Divorce will be final on March 22 @ 1 pm. Meanwhile AH is off in lalaland. I may start another post about how to deal with the kids. AH is really pi$$ing me off today. DS is struggling with him not being here, not calling when he says, not answering his phone etc. (this is when the kids call - it's a given he does this with me during a binge) AH does this when he binges. It's fine to do it to me or whomever else, but don't mess with my kids. I don't know whether to rip AH for not being there for DS or try to eliminate contact between DS and AH for now. He still talks of getting into treatment, but I've heard this $hit for 3 months now. A few more days, a few more days etc.

Any thoughts?

sofacat

Callie

He is not well enough to be thinking of his kids, you or anyone else for that matter. He is sick and can only focus on using.

It's hard for us to try to rationalize their their thought process when they are using. We think the way WE think....they think about drugs.

He's not here honey, neither is Mr. Sofa. I have made a commitment to myself that I will have no contact with him unless he's actually IN rehab. No point in us trying to have any type of dialog with them until they are clean. They're gone.

I'm so sorry your children have to experience this. The way you handle the situation will be the impression that stays with them the most, and you sound like a great, strong mother...and a woman that has limits. That's the thing they will inherit from you. Good stuff.

((((((( hang in there woman ))))))))

suki44883

Not sure how much your kids know about what's going on with their dad. Could you maybe explain to them that he's not doing well right now and needs some time to feel better? I mean, I don't know how much detail you'd want to go into, but if they knew that he was ill or something, at least they'd know that he's not avoiding them because he wants to. Does that make sense?

tchappy

Callie I know this has to be so difficult for you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I sometimes don't post because I'm not sure if it will help or not but I had to give you my two cents worth ; )

When I read your post for some reason I felt pain for you and your children AND your AH. I don't have children but my ex ABF has children and I watched him be a good dad when he was clean and then the total opposite when he is using. The drugs just take over. I have seen him cry many times because he KNEW and felt in his heart what he was he doing to his children but he could not bring himself to stop because of his addiction. It tore him apart inside and he would just use more to escape the pain of what he was doing to other people and his children.

I think if I had children I would just tell them Dad is sick right now and you may be able to talk to him sometimes and sometimes you might not be able to but he still loves you. That is all you can do. Ripping AH for not being there won't solve the problem because he is too far into his addiction for it to have an impact ....just my opinion.

Take care and hang in there.

Callie

My bff said the same thing...when daddy is on drugs he may or may not be reliable/return/answer calls. It's not because he doesn't love you, it's because he's sick right now. I just sat DS down and told him this because AH DID take ds's call earlier and the idiot said he'd call him back in an hour. It's been 2 and he hasn't called. I think that I need to try to minimize contact for now and just tell them what is really going on.

They do know it's because of drugs, but @ 9 they don't yet grasp that concept. I think I just need to make sure that they KNOW he loves them and make sure they have outlets to vent.

On top of this, I have been on the phone ALL day because his family is calling, calling, calling wanting me to probate him into rehab. Guys - I'm so sick of this and so done. His BS has put me in a coma. My own personal stuff that needs done has all been cancelled, rescheduled, put on the back burner or whatever. I finally said today enough is enough. I called AH and left a msg saying that I no longer wanted contact or to speak with him UNTIL he wants to enter treatment. I've made it clear to his family as well. Papers are signed, I'm done until he wants help. IF he chooses help I'll arrange for a ride to help and a plane ticket to his dad's beyond that. Probably more codie than I should be, but a huge step. Please remember that I am still in the midst of a divorce that could be easily be revoked if someone is pi$$ed off enough.

coffeedrinker

by the time i was 12 my mother had been hospitalized 3 times. (severe depression)
the stint when i was 12 is the one i most clearly remember - it lasted for a month. she had ect (shock treatments). one time my family went to visit her/take her to grandma's for the afternoon, and in the car, well my birthday was coming up. she did not know when my birthday was, or how old i was. it must have made quite an impression since i still remember it vividly. my point, though, is this:
i do not ever remember feeling unloved, less than, or abandoned (although i was) by my mother because i was unfit, unloveable, or in any way to blame. i always KNEW, as a youngster, that my mother was gone and unable to be herself much of the time
BECAUSE SHE WAS ILL. She was ill.

i think that, even though there are wounds, you can make the distinction that their father is whatever is going on (fill in the blank) because of a situation completely separate from them, who they are, and their value.

Callie

Thank you CD - That's really all that I can do right now is make sure they know daddy loves them, but is sick. I can only reiterate and prove that I'll be here for them and won't ever leave them.

Thank you for sharing your own upbringing. Just really worried about DS and his clingyness. DD is a tough chick, but I worry about that too because she holds things in and plays tough (thanks to her mama). I don't want that for her either. I'm just new to this, but I will say that my focus needs to be taken off this punk a$$ acting junkie and put on them. I made a vow when I got married and when we tried for kids that I would never leave them and give them my best. Because of AH's antics my best isn't what it could be, but I'll be damned if I will fail them now. Thanks guys.

NeedingHelp7

Callie, let the children know that this must be very difficult for them knowing how much they love their daddy. Daddy is sick, not thinking right. Most importantly let them know it's not their fault. Sometimes daddy will call and sometimes he won't be thinking right to call. Let them know that you will always be there for them, hoping and praying that daddy gets better someday.

Most of all just listen, and validate their feelings. And lots of hugs.

Huggs to you,
NH7

hello-kitty

Hi Cal. Lately I've been trying to figure out how to validate my sons feeling about his father. He's starting to understand time so he knows that when daddy says I'll see you in a couple days and then he doesn't show up.... that he's not following thru on his promises. Right now I'm stuck on "maybe he meant a couple of weeks and we can call him if you want to." But the whole maybe he meant a couple of weeks shtick sounds so lame and so far he hasn't taken me up on the whole "call him" offer.

I'd like to get to a place where he knows that it's not ok to make promises and not follow through like his daddy does. And it's not his fault daddy does this. Daddy has "issues". Some mommies and daddies aren't always there as much as kids would like. I also want to validate however he feels about it - like his disappointment or anger. I just don't quite know the words for this yet. He usually ends up defending and covering up for his daddy so I just avoid the topic for now. (Can you say codependent in the making?!)

Anyway, if you come up with the answers let me know.

It breaks my heart.

Callie

HK - that's my thing too. I find that it's almost worse when AH is around ds because then he becomes whiney, clingy, and asks about his dad more. I also find myself avoiding the 'can I call dad', 'is dad coming out', when can I see dad? I've been saying not now, not today, I'm not sure etc. It pi$$es me off because I CAN't give him a concrete answer because I DON't know. AH NEVER would do this if he wasn't so blitzed to DS. It's jeckyll and HYde.

AH said he'd call ds last night and he didn't. If I tell ds that he can't call his dad (in order to save him from being hurt) then I am the bad guy in his eyes. That's fine for a while, but I can't do this forever.

AH's mom called today. She came home and found him semi-unresponsive. He had the gas on in the gas stove and the place was filled with gas. He said he was going to cook something and fell asleep. She's about 1/2 mad because I won't jump up and do anything. I told her I was done with him until he's ready to get help. His family is going in there and are thinking about calling the BKP to come get him so that he can be committed involuntarily. What a mess - but @ least I'm not in the thick of it. He's saying it doesn't matter, Callie doesn't want me - she got what she wanted - I signed the papers. No I don't want the man he is or has been. I want the one who stepped off the plane CLEAN after rehab, but he can't manage to keep himself clean.

Insulated

it doesn't matter, Callie doesn't want me - she got what she wanted -

my guy did that deflection jedi move too. ANYTHING to take the direct focus off the addict, and onto someone else. ANYone else. N-E-X-T!

I'm thinking that as time evolves, your kids may ask about AH less and less so it will dwindle, but it does take time.

cinderellawkids

I am amazed what some kids seem to grasp. My 5 year old told me he was happy when Daddy lived with grandma, because then we never fought and he felt good. Of course the poor child has had years of daddy coming and going to condition him for such. But young children seem to understand things when explained properly for their age. My son understands daddy is sick, (maybe because he gets physically sick when drinking and using) and tells me, "when Im sick I dont wanna play either".

Ive always been told by counselors not to try to cover for their dad and when they say the y miss him we've found it seems to be therapeutic to write him a letter, or color him a picture and then either mail it together or give it to him next opportunity.

Callie

My son understands daddy is sick, (maybe because he gets physically sick when drinking and using) and tells me, "when Im sick I dont wanna play either".


That's genius! What a great angle to go in with.

Chino

Just stopping in to say I think you mom's are amazing and God bless you