Drugs vs. your wife/family ... Guess I know where I stand
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
She's about 1/2 mad because I won't jump up and do anything.
She's enabling him by letting him live there. And I hope he doesn't burn her dang house down! Seems like everyone in that family wants someone else to "save him." Even HE wants someone else to save him. He feels so dang sorry for himself that he's in this situation but he isn't willing to QUIT USING DRUGS!
I hope that when she implies she wants your help saving him or that her son is a pathetic helpless lump, you can respond with a "YOU are a smart lady. I'm sure you'll figure this out. Would you like to go to an al-anon meeting? I'd be happy to go with you."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
hope that when she implies she wants your help saving him or that her son is a pathetic helpless lump, you can respond with a "YOU are a smart lady. I'm sure you'll figure this out. Would you like to go to an al-anon meeting? I'd be happy to go with you."
Actually HK he already has a name...heroin slamming ignoramus father = hsifremember??
Yes, they do still expect me to probate him and get him forced into treatment, they expected me to call the bkp today so they could get him to the hospital, expect me to talk to him, expected me to rush in to MIL's this morning etc. I didn't go in there and have told them all the same thing. I don't want anything to do with him until he is ready for help. Once he's ready I will get him to where he needs to go and get him a plane ticket to go stay with his dads.
Hey Chino - right back atcha! You're a great mom too!
Actually HK he already has a name...heroin slamming ignoramus father = hsifremember??
Yes, they do still expect me to probate him and get him forced into treatment, they expected me to call the bkp today so they could get him to the hospital, expect me to talk to him, expected me to rush in to MIL's this morning etc. I didn't go in there and have told them all the same thing. I don't want anything to do with him until he is ready for help. Once he's ready I will get him to where he needs to go and get him a plane ticket to go stay with his dads.Hey Chino - right back atcha! You're a great mom too!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
My 21 year old's dad has been in AA/not drank for 33+ years now. He was a crappy irresponsible father when he was drinking, and that didn't change when he quit drinking.
Child support enforcement had to garnish his income tax returns for years.
One year he was 2 months late on child support because he had the big Sturgis shindig to attend (he's a biker). That was his priority.
Amber started asking questions about her dad at 8 years old (he had been totally uninvolved in her life-didn't even know her name till paternity testing was done when she was 6 months old. Of course, he initially denied he was the father, which SRS said is very common with those types of men).
I never spoke badly about him to her.
I made the decision, despite all the fears that I had, to contact him and ask if he was interested in developing a relationship with her.
He spent one year making a pretty decent effort. He only lives 40 miles away. He took her on the annual Christmas toy run that year. He came here to take her to the park often.
Then it fizzled out. He never called. He said it was up to her to call him. Last time I checked, the parent should be reaching out to the child.
Her stepmother was more caring and attentive than her dad ever was.
Today she knows which parent has been there for her through thick and thin. We weathered some pretty tough times during her adolescence.
I did in essence 'protect' her from her father her first 8 years because he was never interested, never called, and suddenly showed up unannounced on my doorstep right after she turned 2.
I told him at that time I had been PO'd, was still PO'd, and probably would be for some time to come. I told him I was the one up all night with her when she was sick, changed all the diapers, took her to the doctor's, and he couldn't even pay child support. I told him to get lost.
I don't regret that decision one bit.
Child support enforcement had to garnish his income tax returns for years.
One year he was 2 months late on child support because he had the big Sturgis shindig to attend (he's a biker). That was his priority.
Amber started asking questions about her dad at 8 years old (he had been totally uninvolved in her life-didn't even know her name till paternity testing was done when she was 6 months old. Of course, he initially denied he was the father, which SRS said is very common with those types of men).
I never spoke badly about him to her.
I made the decision, despite all the fears that I had, to contact him and ask if he was interested in developing a relationship with her.
He spent one year making a pretty decent effort. He only lives 40 miles away. He took her on the annual Christmas toy run that year. He came here to take her to the park often.
Then it fizzled out. He never called. He said it was up to her to call him. Last time I checked, the parent should be reaching out to the child.
Her stepmother was more caring and attentive than her dad ever was.
Today she knows which parent has been there for her through thick and thin. We weathered some pretty tough times during her adolescence.
I did in essence 'protect' her from her father her first 8 years because he was never interested, never called, and suddenly showed up unannounced on my doorstep right after she turned 2.
I told him at that time I had been PO'd, was still PO'd, and probably would be for some time to come. I told him I was the one up all night with her when she was sick, changed all the diapers, took her to the doctor's, and he couldn't even pay child support. I told him to get lost.
I don't regret that decision one bit.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey Callie, It was very hard struggling with the acceptance of not being able to "change" or influence my A dad into not drinking. I knew he loved me and all us kids, but as a youngster I couldn't even know that what I was struggling with was acceptance! That is just too big a concept when you're still in the single digits!
It was the unpredictability of his behavior that was so painful and confusing & frightening. It was my mother's endless distraction and denial that was so aggravating, shaming, and enraging.
I just really would have appreciated some facts and some compassion. In my fantasy ideal-mom movie of the week sequence it goes something like this:
"Yes, Dad's an alcoholic, you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Unfortunately love cannot cure addiction, that's how bad and nasty a disease it is. And what you're going through, and how it makes you feel that dad is an A is sometimes very, very frustrating and hard to deal with. But you're not struggling alone. I am struggling with you, and I am here anytime you want to talk, cry, whatever. And I am also here to remind you that you are a child, and you are free to be a child and find your joy and destiny in life. And know that if daddy was well he would wish the same thing for you. This is not the road we planned, but it is the road we're on. We will get through this, and we will be stronger for it. And you are much loved."
I know that's a ridiculous idealized script! But the sentiment behind it is what was missing from my childhood...the loneliness, the denial, and the guilt I could get caught up in when all kinds of bad sh*t was going down at home and I would be out with friends or walking around the neighborhood with my first crush and I would just have these waves of shame and guilt because mom was so wrapped up in his mess and so obviously suffering, and I had no words, no words to talk to people about what was happening, even as I was dying inside to share the burden.
Your kids are so lucky that you're now setting yourself up to create a warm, predictable, safe home. I know, I know, they are not "lucky" that their dad is an A, that's a raw deal, no question, but it is what it is and the fact that you will now be free to create the best life that you can for them is a huge and brave step on your part, and a powerful living lesson for your children in doing the right thing, the hardest thing, but the right thing.
Hoping you get some peace of mind soooooooooon!
peace-
b
It was the unpredictability of his behavior that was so painful and confusing & frightening. It was my mother's endless distraction and denial that was so aggravating, shaming, and enraging.
I just really would have appreciated some facts and some compassion. In my fantasy ideal-mom movie of the week sequence it goes something like this:
"Yes, Dad's an alcoholic, you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Unfortunately love cannot cure addiction, that's how bad and nasty a disease it is. And what you're going through, and how it makes you feel that dad is an A is sometimes very, very frustrating and hard to deal with. But you're not struggling alone. I am struggling with you, and I am here anytime you want to talk, cry, whatever. And I am also here to remind you that you are a child, and you are free to be a child and find your joy and destiny in life. And know that if daddy was well he would wish the same thing for you. This is not the road we planned, but it is the road we're on. We will get through this, and we will be stronger for it. And you are much loved."
I know that's a ridiculous idealized script! But the sentiment behind it is what was missing from my childhood...the loneliness, the denial, and the guilt I could get caught up in when all kinds of bad sh*t was going down at home and I would be out with friends or walking around the neighborhood with my first crush and I would just have these waves of shame and guilt because mom was so wrapped up in his mess and so obviously suffering, and I had no words, no words to talk to people about what was happening, even as I was dying inside to share the burden.
Your kids are so lucky that you're now setting yourself up to create a warm, predictable, safe home. I know, I know, they are not "lucky" that their dad is an A, that's a raw deal, no question, but it is what it is and the fact that you will now be free to create the best life that you can for them is a huge and brave step on your part, and a powerful living lesson for your children in doing the right thing, the hardest thing, but the right thing.
Hoping you get some peace of mind soooooooooon!
peace-
b
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
"Yes, Dad's an alcoholic, you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. Unfortunately love cannot cure addiction, that's how bad and nasty a disease it is. And what you're going through, and how it makes you feel that dad is an A is sometimes very, very frustrating and hard to deal with. But you're not struggling alone. I am struggling with you, and I am here anytime you want to talk, cry, whatever. And I am also here to remind you that you are a child, and you are free to be a child and find your joy and destiny in life. And know that if daddy was well he would wish the same thing for you. This is not the road we planned, but it is the road we're on. We will get through this, and we will be stronger for it. And you are much loved."
Thank you so much for this - this is perfect and just what I wanted to hear. My kids are starving for time with me. 1 on 1 and the 3 of us together. I have been so wrapped up with AH's bs and all of the bills, lawyers, family etc that I haven't been able to give it to them like I should for the last few months. I'm going to take the time this weekend and do just that. I will sit down with them and re-iterate some of these things that you wrote about.
Freedom - if he can't get right, if he can't stay right and do what a REAL dad would do, I will do just that - get lost. I cannot take the pain of trying to keep him involved when he's in his addiction. They can't take it. If he chooses to remain here, I'd rather NOT have him involved.
Thank you so much for this - this is perfect and just what I wanted to hear. My kids are starving for time with me. 1 on 1 and the 3 of us together. I have been so wrapped up with AH's bs and all of the bills, lawyers, family etc that I haven't been able to give it to them like I should for the last few months. I'm going to take the time this weekend and do just that. I will sit down with them and re-iterate some of these things that you wrote about.
Freedom - if he can't get right, if he can't stay right and do what a REAL dad would do, I will do just that - get lost. I cannot take the pain of trying to keep him involved when he's in his addiction. They can't take it. If he chooses to remain here, I'd rather NOT have him involved.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
I used to be a person who could stand up and proudly state that I did not, now, nor have I ever watched any 'reality' shows. Well, I must admit that I have been watching parts, and sometimes all, of this season's Celebrity Rehab.
In yesterday's show the group was taken to a place called Shield, where folks in recovery are allowed to have their children with them. In the show, about 5-6 children came out and spoke with Dr Drew's patients, about what their lives had been like, and what they are like now. The children ranged in age from a girl of 9/10 to a boy of 17. It was a very powerful scene, both for the Dr's patients, and for us, the viewers.
While watching, I was reminded of how we underestimate children....their knowledge of addiction, and their understanding of what's going on in their homes. Children know a LOT more than we give them credit.....even when it comes to drugs, including alcohol; they get educated at school (from teachers and police; I'm not talkin' 'bout the 'behind-the-gym' educatin'), and of course there's the TV----whether it's the regular TV shows, or the news.....drugs and alcohol are all over.
Well, it seems I've taken up a lot of time for a wee suggestion. I usually don't do this in the F&F Forums, especially since I've been told, many times, and in no uncertain terms, that.....'what the heck do you know about kids, Noelle; you don't have any..."...etc., etc., etc. My smarmy reply to some of those folks is usually, "Well, I may not have hade any children, but I certainly was one."
What I'm getting at, Callie (ever so slowly) is that perhaps before you go into 'your talk' with your children, maybe you could ask them what they know about what's been going on, or how they feel about whst's been going on, or if they have any questions......
Well, there it was; that's all of it. Worth the wait, eh.....? LOLOL
I'll be keeping you all in my prayers..... (o:
In yesterday's show the group was taken to a place called Shield, where folks in recovery are allowed to have their children with them. In the show, about 5-6 children came out and spoke with Dr Drew's patients, about what their lives had been like, and what they are like now. The children ranged in age from a girl of 9/10 to a boy of 17. It was a very powerful scene, both for the Dr's patients, and for us, the viewers.
While watching, I was reminded of how we underestimate children....their knowledge of addiction, and their understanding of what's going on in their homes. Children know a LOT more than we give them credit.....even when it comes to drugs, including alcohol; they get educated at school (from teachers and police; I'm not talkin' 'bout the 'behind-the-gym' educatin'), and of course there's the TV----whether it's the regular TV shows, or the news.....drugs and alcohol are all over.
Well, it seems I've taken up a lot of time for a wee suggestion. I usually don't do this in the F&F Forums, especially since I've been told, many times, and in no uncertain terms, that.....'what the heck do you know about kids, Noelle; you don't have any..."...etc., etc., etc. My smarmy reply to some of those folks is usually, "Well, I may not have hade any children, but I certainly was one."
What I'm getting at, Callie (ever so slowly) is that perhaps before you go into 'your talk' with your children, maybe you could ask them what they know about what's been going on, or how they feel about whst's been going on, or if they have any questions......
Well, there it was; that's all of it. Worth the wait, eh.....? LOLOL
I'll be keeping you all in my prayers..... (o:
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
i think that is a great suggestion, noelle.
i pretty much hate television. i watch one tv show per week, and just started at the beginning of this season, and it's celebrity rehab. i know there is some sensationalism, but i just love to watch addicts getting clean, hoping that people will make real changes in real lives, and, well, i love dr. drew.
i pretty much hate television. i watch one tv show per week, and just started at the beginning of this season, and it's celebrity rehab. i know there is some sensationalism, but i just love to watch addicts getting clean, hoping that people will make real changes in real lives, and, well, i love dr. drew.
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