Drugs vs. your wife/family ... Guess I know where I stand

Old 01-30-2010, 06:25 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Ohhhhh Callie!!! I know you are ticked off beyond belief! What a damn shame. Do you know how that happened? I guess if the vehicle was in his name the check came in his name but did it come to your house or did he pick it up at the insurance company. DANG!!!

I guess you will at least get the check for your truck that he wrecked. You did say his name was not on it right? Have you taken him off your bank accounts or opened a new one just in your name? I would call you agent and see if he can hold it for you to pick up in person or intercept it from the corporate office or something just in case AH gets any wise ideas about forgery. Stranger things have happened. Judy told you the lengths she went to score so cannot put anything else past AH. Did you get locks back on your doors? It's time if you haven't. Even if you have to borrow money from your folks, it has to happen. It's only a matter of time before your TV, jewelry, kids video gaming systems, etc. go missing. Just about anything is worth a few bucks at a pawn shop or on the street.

I'm sorry this keeps getting dragged out. Good for you however for doing "normal" with your family and making such a big deal about your daughter's ear peircing. She will never forget it!!! I've been promising my 3 year old "earrings" since her birthday in July. Hopefully by her birthday this July, I'll make good on that promise.
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Old 01-30-2010, 07:40 PM
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oh, i know it must feel like this bl-s%&t will never end, but it really will.

i certainly can believe he'd stoop this low, but i am perplexed on exactly how it happened. that check surely should have come to you, at your address. must have intercepted it. as long as there is a settlement, and it comes off his side, i guess justice will be done.

magoo is right of course, about securing any valuables. hope your wedding rings aren't lying around, etc.
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Old 01-30-2010, 08:25 PM
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I can't believe the SOB would stoop that low.

Should you be surprised by this? He is an active addict.
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Old 01-30-2010, 09:55 PM
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I have to say that I'm not one bit surprised that he took it. When an addict is in as deep as he is, nothing is off limits. If there was a check lying around for one of the kids he'd convince himself that because the child it was meant for was 1/2 his so he's entitled to it. Us addicts have very sick minds when we're deep in our addiction, we go to any length to get our drugs.

It's time to talk to the insurance agent and tell them to not mail anything to your home, don't give him any checks, nothing. How did he get it anyway? And Janet is right, the kids game systems are next, your tv's could be gone any day now, jewelry is one of the first things he'll look for to pawn. Absolutely nothing is off limits. In his mind, he feels that he's entitled to it. If you haven't changed all the locks yet, now is the time. He's going to blow through that money very fast and then he's really going to go to any length to get more money to keep that high going. If he's been on Xanax for awhile, even a day without them will cause him to start going through withdrawls. And he's going to make sure that doesn't happen.

It's time to put on the boxing gloves and come out swinging. If you two become legally seperated, in the eyes of the Court will that keep him from having access to your house?

I don't know what else to say Sweetie except I'm here for you and as always, praying for an end to this nightmare very soon.

God Bless,
Judy
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Old 01-31-2010, 04:05 AM
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Originally Posted by Callie View Post

I am stepping aside. I am helpless to stop this. He is in God's Hands right now.
Callie, I've been away but am glad you are once again stepping out of God's way.

Let your lawyer serve the papers. To involve yourself in his world of addiction just drags you down with him. Let go and let God work in your life and is.

Next time you feel drawn to call, visit, check up on him...remember our Step 1...we are powerless over addiction/our addicts/anyone else. And then take a giant step back, out of his addiction and into your recovery.
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Old 01-31-2010, 06:24 AM
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Hey guys - yes, I've done all of the seperating of bank accounts, locks changed all of that. His name is off of everything that needs to be. He was served papers. Still trying to get an agreement so that it will be an agreed divorce. That will make it much quicker - smoother for everybody.

He intercepted the check @ the post office. It was to be mailed here. I thought I was on top of the situation. Apparantly not. My plan was to put the check into an account so that he could buy a car AFTER he COMPLETED rehab. Really, it was his own neck that he sliced.

He has plans to enter treatment, this week - I think. He is suppose to have an appt with a court appointed attorney on Wed for all of his wrecks. He was going to postpone the court date, meet with the attorney, enter treatment and go to his dad's after. He's been trying to 'live it up' because he knows he has to go to treatment or face jail time. Hence the xanax/whatever else binge. It sounds like if he follows the plan (postponement, meet with lawyer, enter treatment, go to his dad's) he'll get OUT of jail time. The attorney said if he got in trouble again, that he would have to face each offense seperately - which most likely = time.

So, really - AH has it all layed out as to what he's suppose to do. Manipulation @ it's fines I suppose.

BTW - Serenity - he has access to the house legally until the divorce is final. I tried to get a protection order and of course was denied. He has abided by my wishes though and not been out here. Though he could come out here legally anytime he wishes. I think part of the reason he's NOT been out here is because he's been looped and doesn't want me seeing it. In @ his mom's is like a frat house with no parents present.
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Old 01-31-2010, 07:23 AM
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Callie, you may be able to get a restraining order now if you reapply because the level of the addiction has obviously graduated to a different level. I don't know your AH at all, but going to rehab is the strategy (it looks at though anyway) he is using to reduce the potential of jail time. Alternative sentencing.

I'm looking at the amount of money he's going through and can T-Totally relate! The only exception in my case is 10X's more $$$ in less than 6 months. Plus he worked part time and collected disability. With only 3 bills to pay, (power,water,cellphone) I was habitually badgered to pay these!! uh huh, I don't subsidize drug/alcohol addicts. PERIOD. What I'm trying to say in a round about way is the addiction is spiraling and could result in an overdose death. Are you prepared for that in any way prior to your divorce being final? I know it's a hard concept to grasp and I feel terrible about it, really I do. I'm just typing from my own experience.
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Old 01-31-2010, 08:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Callie View Post
He intercepted the check @ the post office. It was to be mailed here. I thought I was on top of the situation. Apparantly not. My plan was to put the check into an account so that he could buy a car AFTER he COMPLETED rehab. Really, it was his own neck that he sliced.
Callie, was the insurance check mailed to you? Was it in your name? Did he steal US mail from the US Post Office?


Why are you planning on buying him a car? He is a big boy and he can figure out how to buy his own car. Wouldn't that money be better used on your children? Seems like he has been blowing though your cash like crazy. How much money does he get to steal from your precious kids anyway?

I'm so sorry you are going through all this.




:codiepolice
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Old 01-31-2010, 08:50 AM
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Callie, was the insurance check mailed to you? Was it in your name? Did he steal US mail from the US Post Office?


It was mailed to the house in HIS name made out TO him because he switched the titles on me. It was suppose to be in my name. This happened about 5 months ago. Legally, he can cash the check...BUT he was served divorce papers and NO large amt of $ was supposed to be taken from the marriage. I probably could get him on that.

Why are you planning on buying him a car? He is a big boy and he can figure out how to buy his own car. Wouldn't that money be better used on your children? Seems like he has been blowing though your cash like crazy. How much money does he get to steal from your precious kids anyway?


100% agree with you. The $ was going to go into an account as part of the divorce settlement. He HAS stolen from us. Last year he withdrew his entire 401k. Around $30k and blew it all on drugs. He also kept $500 a week for unemployment and didn't give me a dime for about 6 months. Maybe I need to go re-read my posts from last year and get a refresher. I'm finding myself worried about him. He wasn't too worried about me last year, was he? I NEED to keep the negative things he's done in the forefront of my mind to get through this.
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Old 01-31-2010, 05:05 PM
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How much money does he get to steal from your precious kids anyway?
Yes. That money could have gone to your kids. Instead it went to buy Xanax and illegal methadone. It ended up in some drug dealers pocket who used it to buy more drugs so he could hook more people on dope.

You could have paid for nearly one semester at a state university with that money.

I'm sure that I misread that you were going to reward him for all his bad, abusive behavior by buying him a car. Right? Cuz that would be crazy. Right? Cuz he could use xanax and kill someone while behind the wheel of said car and not even remember. Your life would be even more devastated than it is now.

Rule number one (and I know you know this): Don't do for an addict, what that addict should be doing for themselves. Including buying them a car so they can drive to the dealers house to pick up their drugs.

That's enabling. And that's part of the disease of codependency.
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Old 01-31-2010, 06:42 PM
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I realize at this point it may be better to let as much crap go as humanly possible, but I'm wondering about the car title. I think it is a crime to forge a document like a vehicle title. I just know if I were in your shoes, my head would be spinning trying to figure out a way to slap him with a suit.

And, IMO, the rehab stink is absolutely a way to get outta doing time. Happens all the time. The good news, is that sometimes when they go, it "sticks".
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Old 01-31-2010, 08:30 PM
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I had written a long reply to your post about buying him a car but I guess I didn't submit it or something. Anyway . . . .

Suddenly he wants to go to treatment huh? Imagine that. Seems like most of us addicts, when we're at the end of our rope run to treatment. I did it! But, there was one time when I had 7 months clean. I spent 4 months of that time in an inpatient treatment center, then when I got out I was going to Meetings every day, had a support system and when I went in front of the Judge, he didn't care. Off to prison I went. . . for a year.

When I read the part where you said you were considering buying him a car when he got out of treatment I almost fell out of my chair. IF he goes to treatment and IF he completes treatment, he needs to work for everything when he gets out. If anyone pads the way for him, it's only going to hurt him more. The enabling has to stop! It's not like he's your child who is graduating from high school and you decide to reward him with a car. When I got out of detox this last time, my Mom, who was my biggest enabler told me that she was no longer giving me money or driving me around, even to Meetings or the Methadone Clinic. I was on my own. So I had to catch buses to get everywhere. Each day that I had to go to the Methadone Clinic, I spent nearly a total of 5 hours to get there and back on the bus. In a car, it was about a 12 minute drive. But I did it. With every transfer on the buses, I had time to think about what I was doing, where I had been, where I didn't want to go back to but most of all, I realized that this was my fight and my fight alone. When I got off the last bus, I had to walk 9/10 of a mile to get to the Clinic. I did this in the heat of the summer, through thunderstorms, the dead of winter when there was a foot of snow on the ground and it was 2 degrees outside. I had to fight for my Recovery and he has to as well. I had to be willing to go to any length to stay clean, just for that day. And you know what? I began to hold my head up, I started to take pride in the fact that I was doing what I had to do for my Recovery. Each month when the 25th rolled around, I held my head up a little higher and there was a little more pep in my step. I've often wondered how different things would have turned out if my Mom had enabled me when I got out of detox. I seriously doubt I would be clean today, much less be alive.

As far as the settlement, hasn't he already taken enough money from this marriage? If you sat down and added up the money he blew from his 401K plan, the cost of the vehicles he's totaled, money you've given him for the Methadone Clinics, the cost of gasoline, attorney fees (including the Walmart incident) money that he lost because he wasn't working, and everything else, I think that would add up to quite a bit of money he has already taken from the marriage. After all of this, I seriously doubt any Judge in Divorce Court would expect you to split up your assets with him. And then the check from the insurance company? If your papers say that neither of you can take any large amt of money out of the marriage right now, I'd think there would be some action that could be taken regarding this.

You don't owe him anything! Nothing, nada! Being fair went out the window a long time ago. Please don't give him things just to speed the divorce along. I know you want it over with but is it really worth giving up some of your assets just to please him? He hasn't thought of you and the kids for a long time. And what about after the marriage is over with, do you for see any child support in the future? You hang tough and don't give in! You should at least be able to keep everything that YOU have worked for in this marriage.

Stay strong Sweetie and know that I am praying for you,
Judy

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Old 02-01-2010, 09:28 AM
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Wait, wait! lol

The whole 'buying him a car if he completes rehab' is being blown out of proportion. Maybe I worded it wrong.

He IS entitled to assets from the marriage. I have spoken with 4 lawyers RE; this. I did factor the 401k that's gone etc. etc. The car was a suggestion from the lawyer. IF I don't get him to agree to anything in the divorce, he COULD drag this out for up to 2 years. He could have my home sold, rentals sold etc. I could lose ALOT. More than I already have. The car thing was an 'enticement' to just walk away and end the marriage instead of fighting me on it.

As far as the rehab being a stint to get out of time? Yep, I know it is. He knows he needs help again, but he's definately doing it in hopes of them being more lenient on him.

SIL called me last night and it was a mess again. I stayed out of it, but Aunt, BIL, SIL, MIL and Uncle all ran some druggies out of MIL's house and waited for AH to get there. He'd taken off on foot. I guess he was really bad. I'm glad they were able to see what I've been dealing with. There was talk of bringing him back home (with me). I said no. MIL wants him out of her house and thought it wise to bring him back home. Yes, she is that dumb. Just wants him off of her doorstep. She won't put him out on the street, but she'll put him back in my home to deal with. So far he's abided by my wishes to not be here.
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Old 02-01-2010, 11:47 AM
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Callie... I am sorry you are having to deal with all of his BS still.
I know how hard it is to be close to the inlaws, and to have them NOT understand what it is that you are doing and why you are doing it... The fact that they keep calling and trying to drag you into it when you are trying so hard to keep OUT!! I have BTDT too!

You are doing the BEST you can with the situation at hand... Keep it up girl!
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Old 02-01-2010, 12:22 PM
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Ok, I gotcha now on the car thing. I was wondering what the heck was going on the way it read in your other post. You did leave the part out about the Attorney suggesting it. I thought you finally just flipped your lid! lol

I'm glad the family finally saw how bad things really are, but I hope to God they figure out somewhere for him to stay instead of at your house. I know it hasn't been a bed of roses lately, but without him there at least you've had some peace and quiet.

As always, you're in my Prayers.

Hugs,
Judy



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Old 02-01-2010, 01:06 PM
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Callie,
I'm grateful for the people I have had in my life, that had the courage to be honest with me. Tell me, what I needed to hear. Not what I wanted to hear.

There was talk of bringing him back home (with me). I said no. MIL wants him out of her house and thought it wise to bring him back home. Yes, she is that dumb. Just wants him off of her doorstep. She won't put him out on the street, but she'll put him back in my home to deal with.
Don't you think, she could think the same about you?

But even more confusing. From what you have said before. You and your husband own the home and your MIL is renting it from you? Legally she has no more right than you do, to tell her son, and your husband to leave. His name is on that mortgage. Just as it is on yours.

Personally, I would try to find a way, to get my name off that mortgage. Possibly your MIL's credit has changed and she can now qualify for a mortgage on her own. Then she can legally tell her son, to leave. She sounds like she is inbetween a rock and a hard place.

And if it gets much worse. She may decide to just leave and rent elsewhere. That would put you into an even tougher spot. You would lose not just the mortgage.. but utilities. Have to maintain another home on your own. Is your attorney aware of that?

But it just sounds like everyone is playing the hot potato game. Callie should. Mom should. Dad should. He is an adult. Not a child.

As for all these things everyone thinks should happen.
I'm sorry, but I am not at all surprised. Laws really only work, when people respect them. Your husband doesn't. And no, sorry but the legal system is full of flaws.

Your husband appears to know all about those.
I'm sure the people he is spending his time with, and talking to do.

Sorry, I hope I am wrong here. I hope your husband is different. But a guy who will put his mom on the street, basically? I just wouldn't expect much from him.
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Old 02-01-2010, 01:25 PM
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You're right about the mortgage thing. AH's and I's name are BOTH on the mortgage. I cannot get out of it unless I/we sell it. Thank you for understanding this legal crap SL. It's REALLY not as simple of just asking him to leave or calling the police. Technically he CAN reside @ either place and there is NOTHING that either of us can do. That's why it's almost crucial for me to handle him with kid gloves. IF he wanted to get volatile I stand to lose alot. He'll fight dirty.

I'd spoken with AH and said he needed to get his $hit together and figure out what he's going to do. I said the party is over. You've got to get out of your mom's and you can't come back here. I said you'd better decide where or if you're going to treatment. If you don't make the decision it will be made for you. He said 'what do you mean?" His family WILL admit him to the ER. They've said they would. He said if you guys do that you'll never see me again (thank you thank you lol ) I know what to say and how long they can keep me. I already know the rules on that. Nice....... He knows the ins of it all.

I'm not dealing with a normal rational person.
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Old 02-01-2010, 01:40 PM
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What's your attorney say?
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Old 02-01-2010, 03:22 PM
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Title fraud is very serious. He shouldn't be driving in his condition. Duh.... Document everything. In divorce they can get very nasty. Just deal with him through your lawyer. Really- call DMV....title fraud is very serious.
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Old 02-01-2010, 04:01 PM
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I'm not dealing with a normal rational person.

Be careful. You don't know this person anymore. You remember what he was like, who he used to be, potentially who you thought he'd turn out to be. Be careful. You don't know this person anymore.
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