Drugs vs. your wife/family ... Guess I know where I stand
 

This am., I was talking with AH about divorce paperwork. He's been avoiding me like the plague, which usually means not good news. He's not taking MOST of my calls as of late and has been @ his mom's.

I get worried as he was obviously out of it this morning @ his mom's when I spoke with him on the phone. I go in there because he would NOT answer the phone or his cell. As I pull up some scumbag junkie (whom his family and I suspect is staying with him @ his moms - his mom is staying with AH's sister because of him) is carrying a bicycle out of his mom's house, sees me hops on the bike and peddles as fast as he can away. It is 12 degrees here and whiteout snowing.

I pull in the drive, beat on the door and AH (he looks terrible) answers the door.

I go in and see he's ticked. I start talking with him and spot a bottle of pills under the coffee table. It's a rx bottle with his mom's name on it. She's not been there for a month now. I grab the bottle and he said those are mom's. I (knowing they weren't) said 'oh, I'll take them to her, this is her heart medicine.' He's getting edgy kind of drops the subject and I go to leave.

He says: give me the pills
I said : no, I'll take them to your moms
He says give me the pills about 10 more times with a robotic crazed tone of voice. I say no about 10 more times. He then says you're not leaving with those pills, I said yes I am. No you're not, yes I am etc. etc. I finally said I'm leaving. He said you're not leaving this house with those pills. I said you'll have to physically remove them from me. He said don't make me do it Callie. I said bring it on, I'm leaving and got up to leave from the chair.

He pushed me back down in the chair, I start kicking him to get him off of me, he then SITS on me as I'm kicking and about 35 seconds of struggling later prys them out of my hands. I went after him to get them back and when I knew I wasn't getting anywhere I left.

This is a man who has NEVER ever laid a hand on me or even come close to it. EVER. He didn't hit me, but for sure manhandled me to get the pills. I'm fine and not hurt @ all, but he had a crazed look in his eyes. He just said leave me alone Callie. You've already filed for divorce anyway - just forget about me.

It's my fault, I started it. I knew I wouldn't get out of that house with the pills. Since he got out of his 1 night stay in jail he's been on methadone only for about 2 weeks and he's been very cordial and seemingly 'fine' (though he's taking too much methadone, as he's buying it from the streets). I came home online to identify the pills and it's 1mg xanax. The strongest you can buy. Xanax got him fired from his job of 20 years, xanax got him involved with the walmart incident a year ago, xanax was the cause of a hit and run accident a year ago, xanax was the cause of all 3 of his recent car accidents and trouble with the law.

I learned alot today about my stance in this relationship. I know what I did was totally not smart and totally codependent but I would do it again because I stared straight into the face of a SEVERELY addicted man. He had a choice to make today and he chose drugs.

I'm sorry that you had to learn the hard way not to try to get between an addict and his drugs. Remember, night of the living dead? He is a flesh eating zombie who looks like your husband. Your husband is gone right now.

Did you get him to sign the paperwork yet? The sooner the better. You are really playing with fire every time you go around him.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it. (and neither can he.)
You can't cure it.

Hi callie, Sounds like not so good a morning. Why in the world would his mom move out of her own house because of him. Sounds to me like she needs some help also. If you can get her to an alanon Meeting maybe that would help her see whats happening here. I's spend my time trying to get her to see the light before her son drugs himself to death. I'm sorry you had to handle that but I'm glad your OK....Smiles, Bonnie

Wow Callie. Please, please don't do that again. Xanax is scary stuff when taken by an addict and you don't need to test that theory by getting yourself badly hurt. They don't have control over themselves, and while the sober him may not ever lay a hand on you, you can never say what someone under the influence will do. Which you've experienced first hand. Please be careful.

Callie, PLEASE, PLEASE stay away from him. Leave him to live his own life and you take care of yourself and your kids. Please go NO CONTACT unless you absolutely HAVE TO communicate with him. Proceed with the divorce and let him figure out his own way.

I have a feeling you may not realize just how lucky you were this morning. ((((HUGS))))

This bears repeating. While we may think it is worthwhile to challenge drug crazed zombies to a game of "I'm going to take your drugs from you", we forget that if a drug crazed zombie kills us, our kids will be left with only a drug crazed zombie as a parent.

It's just not worth it. Who'll protect your children if he's gone? Right now he is still their legal guardian and custody would be a nightmare if he kills you. I guess he'd be sober in prison... but who wants a murderer for a father.

Oh Callie...I'm so sorry you had to witness/ be a part of that. I have done that twice in my life and it is truly an eye opener.

I'm glad you are ok and safe. Like they say above, don't try that again. It is true they will do ANYTHING to prevent ANYTHING coming between them and their drugs.

Take care and my heart goes out to you!

Sorry Callie you had to go through that, I know all about Xanax, it was the cause of the worst, horrible stoned episodes I had to endure with AH. Don't get hurt, those kids need you. Do it for them. I remember one such stoned episode with AH, we were arguing and I told him to leave, and while he was in the BR I hid his pain meds and Xanax. When he got ready to leave he wanted his pills & I said no, he kept asking, I kept saying no, finally he left only to sneak back in after everyone was asleep and prowl around to find them and took off with them.

Have you considered going no contact?. He's sick and in the depths of the addiction. Only he can save himself now. He's not the man you knew. He's an addict & that makes him dangerous to you and the kids.

He's made his choice, obviously & beleive me I know how much that hurts because I am right there too.

It's insanity at it's finest when dealing with an active addict, don't deal with him.

Hugs,
Teggie

Callie, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I pretty much think I would have done the same thing. Well...now we know. Wow

Actually, Callie, the choice is yours....continue to torture yourself with the expectation that your actions will somehow change him and put yourself in harms way, or work for a beautiful and peaceful new life.

Huge hugs and many prayers, HG

quoted from your other thread :)

That was a drug demon....seriously. Not just some addict person talking.



Callie, I know you are a believer in the Lord. You cannot fight a battle like that on your own, and either can your AH. You put yourself in a very dangerous situation, and should not have came alone there. Never do that Callie. Unless you know how to cast those demons out and away do not go there. You aren't just messing with flesh and blood, you know that.

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that." Martin Luther King (thanks- CMC's signature)

NH7

Callie-
You're fortunate. I know you believe that you were in control, cause you could have chosen, (as you wisely did) to just give up and give him the drugs.

But that is NOT the only thing that you have to be grateful for tonight.

I've seen this happen to others.
You are divorcing him. You were in his home. He COULD say, you were stalking him. Called him multiple times. Came over to his house and were abusing him. That you hit him. Hell, stealing his mom's pills!!

Do you think a mother that is so darn afraid of him, that she left her own home, is going to stand up for you?

Please be careful. He crossed the line.
No- you have a son dear. Would it EVER be okay with you, if he EVER laid a hand on anyone, for any reason? Especially someone he loved?

Take the drugs out of it. It is NOT an excuse.

Thanks guys. I know you are right. I'm grateful for today. Maybe stupid, but I would do it all again because I learned something today. I am thankful for what I witnessed today. 3-4 days ago AH said he would grant me a divorce and not fight me on it. When I begged him to let me go he said he would. He said he did not want anything from me. He said he would go without a fight.

What sent me in there today was worry, yet again about him. The house he's @, his moms, is jointly owned by himself and I (his mom just makes the payment because her credit is bad). He pointed out to me (just sinking in now) that I asked him to leave me alone (3-4 days ago) and leave the kids and I alone because he KNEW I would do right by him. He knew he was in no shape to parent. I asked that he not come to my house, which he has not.

He IS letting me go. My Gosh he IS letting me go. He knows that he's not good for any of us right now. It's just sinking in that he's doing the right thing for US. Maybe not for HIM by continuing to use drugs, but even in his foggy head he did right by US today. He is abiding by MY wishes, but yet I overstep HIS wishes to remain in his addiction.

I have taken his drugs away from him before, but he's NEVER acted like this. Ever. I realize as hard as it is that it is ME that has to let HIM go. Even though it may mean that he ends up in prison or dead. I pray that he makes the right choices. I pray that God takes him in the palm of HIS hand and watches over him. I know I describe an evil monster as of late in my posts. This was once a Beautiful man and the love of my life. I dated some great guys in high school. Great guys. Once my husband came along I never left his side. Dated throughout HS, College and built a 'life' together. The time has now come for me to leave his side and it's so painful. I'm leaving him to himself and that's terrifying to me.

I know I filed, I know that my life will go on, but today I realized that HIS may not and there is NOTHING that I can do about it.

For Sure Anvil - I've been here quite a while haven't I? I would have been here long before if I had know what I was dealing with and that SR existed.

Out of the last 10 years, there are probably a total of 1-2 months CLEAN. He's managed to keep it just under the radar for a very long time. A VERY long time.

I guess I need to start my detox from him NOW. I need to get the papers signed and join Teggie and Sofa and everyone else and get 'r done. Not funny @ all, but I seriously think I could have taken him him if I wasn't in a lazyboy recliner when he knocked me back down. He's about #155 now and I'm nowhere near that, but was fired up. I'm usually a very calm person, but a fighter as well. My Gosh - this is a fight that I'll NEVER win.

I have stared in the face of judges, prosecuters, lawyers, bailiffs, drug dealers, junkies, detectives, police, pawn shops, sheriff, state patrol officers. I've voiced MY opinion about what's going on LEFT AND RIGHT. I have contacted rehabs, detoxes, counselors, addictionologists, doctors, psychiatrists, family and friends. ALL to save HIM. In the end it doesn't matter because HIS fate lies with him. I pray to God that He intervenes before it's too late.

I know Callie....I did all the the same things....I pray God heals your broken heart.


Amen.

The letting go is so heartbreaking, but you will be ok. It just takes a lot of time
though. Keep praying for him, but let find his bottom. It's a battle... he can't be a husband or father in the condition he's in. As hard as it is, you have to let him fall on his own. (((HUGS and PRAYERS))) for strength for you to get through this.

NHelp, I seriously believe in those demons too... and if I had it to do all over again, I would learn how to cast them out and do the oil rituals over the doors. We had a teenager in our church who was addicted, whose parents contacted a local pastor who would help with that and it took a while, and they repeated several times... and finally he was free and has been ever since. Is married now with a new baby, is very involved in church and doing well.

It makes sense to me why he fought for his drugs. As a recovering addict here my guess is he has lost everything and he knows that and the only thing now that he feels he "has" is his addiction. I know it doesn't make sense but he is in the worst pity party he can ever be in mentally, and the only thing he knows as to how to numb it is to take more drugs. I hope he can go to rehab but since the divorce is pending that's his deal and his addiction and his demon to beat. There is nothing at his mother's house you will find helpful to you at this time. Cut this thing quick, otherwise it's like trying to remove a bandaide the painful way. Hugs to you.

Exactly......It makes sense to me why he fought for his drugs. As a recovering addict here my guess is he has lost everything and he knows that and the only thing now that he feels he "has" is his addiction. I know it doesn't make sense but he is in the worst pity party he can ever be in mentally, and the only thing he knows as to how to numb it is to take more drugs. I hope he can go to rehab but since the divorce is pending that's his deal and his addiction and his demon to beat. There is nothing at his mother's house you will find helpful to you at this time. Cut this thing quick, otherwise it's like trying to remove a bandaide the painful way. Hugs to you.

EXACTLY ... He IS like ***$ it. I've lost everything WTH. He's TRIED to od before and not been successful. In MY right mind I know that 'I" have done EVERYTHING humanly possible to stop this. But yet I don't know that I can live with myself or 'lack' of contribution if he decides to go this route.

I KNOW what all of you will say....I've done EVERYTHING that I can do. I KNOW this, but LIVING with it is a different story. From the outside looking in is a different perspective. I've not spoken with him since this am. (HUGE) and I AM filing for divorce and AM going to let him fall. I just PRAY that he falls to the ground and not in his grave.

I guess as twisted as it seems, I feel as though I am helping him die or end up in prison. Sick - I know, but it's the way that I feel. That's why I was the raving lunatic accompanied by SIL that ran the junkies out of his mom's house yesterday. It was like turning off the light and seeing the cockroaches run.

Getting more dramatic than I should here on SR. I will avoid contact. It IS about him. I've fought a fight that I KNOW I gave my all. What lies with him lies with him. I have a stinking Science Fair project to start on for both dd and ds. PLUS they're BOTH students of the week for this and next. Which means family participation. One foot in front of the other. BTDT. I just PRAY AH can find his way.