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Back again...things have gotten worse..surprise, surprise...

Old 01-28-2010, 08:24 AM
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Back again...things have gotten worse..surprise, surprise...

Again, I am posting and God I wish I had stayed away when I left for good back in December. He was using again apparently right as soon as I let him back in. He had gotten a good job closer to home and lost this one due to apparently telling off his boss who was being nasty to him all of the time. He lost another job a few weeks before and blamed his mother for it because she was supposed to pick him up on his lunch break to get his car from the garage where work was being done on it and she came late so he got fired for not being back on time... Who knows if that is even the truth. The track marks reappeared, the disappearances have continued and finally he admitted it a few days ago though the same day he went out and took the last bit of money he had and got high. Right now he is detoxing which is good but I feel like it is only because he has run out of money. His sincerity to get clean doesn't seem real to me...I feel like he is not serious because he blames not having enough money to go to his outpatient meetings and therapy (he only went to 3 total) on why he relapsed, then blamed his doctor who won't up his suboxone despite the fact that he has relapsed and has cravings...What I am trying to say is that he is still looking outward for excuses to justify and explain his behavior. Our 2nd car in the past two months has just started messing up (it was a junker but something that was supposed to get us from point a to point b) and I believe it's because he has been putting so many miles on it just to get his fix (a few thousand miles in a week or so). I am so tired of this and I just want him out of my life once and for all. I just feel stuck because of course I love him and see him suffering through the detox but also because he has no money, no car, and everyone else has turned their backs on him. The weather is cold and I know that if I made him leave, he wouldn't last long out there in the context that the car is really messed up and no one else will take him in. I know that it is not my fault that HE has caused these problems for us and for himself though I also see my part by living in denial of all of the red flags again. However, I feel responsible for him too (codie behavior I know) that if I put him out he will have no one. He is the father of my son and I just am at a loss. I want him out but I also just wish that there was at least somewhere for him to go because the guilt is there. He says he will leave but then threatens to commit suicide because he has no one and life is not worth living (I think it is manipulation but I don't want to take the chance either). Now that he is detoxing he keeps saying what a horrible person he is and he doesn't deserve to live, I keep getting the usual feelings of wanting to help him and 'fix' him but I stop myself to some extent because I know I can't and I also know that his words are just manipulation to suck me back in. But in the same respect, a suicide threat is not something I feel that I should take lightly either...I just keep thinking lately that I need to do something for me, that I need to get my life back. I feel like I am an empty shell of who I used to be and I don't like that. I hate that I feel responsible for him when I need to be more responsible for myself. It's also difficult because I have so much time on my hands right now that I finished up with college until next fall ( I just graduated with 2 Associate's and will be working on my BA in the fall) which, I thought would be a Godsend but it doesn't feel that way especially when I have him here constantly and since I am having problems getting out of this slump of just being sad and depressed. I know I want him out for good this time but like I said there is so much guilt and fear consuming me and keeping me from following through...Thanks for listening to me....
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Old 01-28-2010, 08:51 AM
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I am sorry you are feeling this way...

You already know you didnt cause it, cant control it or can't cure it...

He "has no one else" because they have gotten to the point where the realize they can't help him.

If you are worried that he will tell you he will commit suicide, call 911. They will come and get him and put him under observation in a safe place temporarily...

After that, there are shelters, the Salvation Army (which is free) and many other places for HIM to reach out for help...

Take care of YOU and your child....
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Old 01-28-2010, 08:53 AM
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Salvation Army has a good program and they can also give him a place to stay. He won't be alone on the street unless he chooses that route. You have nothing to feel guilty about. This is a grown man, not a 7 year old little boy. Let him figure it out. You have yourself and your son to think about.
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Old 01-28-2010, 09:01 AM
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Thank you for your response...Honestly, I think his threats are manipulative to make me feel guilty and to keep me from doing what I want to do. I mean he used to say that his grandmother would take him in and now yesterday when I was telling him to call her, she all of sudden will not and then later came with the threats. Hearing the threats resulted in me feeling responsible and guilty over wanting to leave him. You would think that after all of the pain that is caused, it would be easy to turn your back and do what you KNOW is best for you but it's not that way. I start feeling guilty, responsible, start missing him and thinking of how things could be if this or that could change...I start feeling like he's doing so great whenever he leaves (he starts to 'clean' up) and seems to have things a lot easier than me and that for some reason makes me feel like the bad guy, like if he can clean up and get his life back together so easily maybe I am the factor in this...I don't know it bothers me that I am still not moving in the right direction especially after everything that has happened just in the past few weeks let alone the rest of our relationship...
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Old 01-28-2010, 09:17 AM
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I never got better until my family said "Good bye and good luck". I was homeless in the winter. I was a parent to 3 children. I was addicted to cocaine. I survived.
The BEST thing they could've done for me is let me fall. Let me hit my bottom.
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Old 01-28-2010, 09:47 AM
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i'm sorry this is happening again. i do agree with the others about salvation army, him being an adult making bad decisions and calling 911 about his threats. he maybe trying to manipulate you but look how its effecting you. if you call 911, it may help you to feel better and if he's not being serious about his threats, he may decide not to use those kinds of threats any more. its just not your fault or your responsibility to keep him from falling.

since you feel like he does so well without you, maybe in some way you may be a factor. it kind of sound lke him losing his job and no money maybe due to his addiction in some way, so with you providing his basic needs, he can figure out a way to provide his need to do drugs. could it be that while he's away he kind of choose to take care of his own basic needs over spending all he has on his drugs?

it took for my family to turn their backs for me to see for myself how destructive and out of control my life had become which eventually had me desperately seeking help. today i honesty don't want to ever reach that kind of bottom again so i do whatever i have to do to stay sober.

you really don't have anything to feel guilty about, if he don't help himself, no one else can. its not your fault and it has nothing at all to do with you other than you caring more about him and his addiction than you and your own well being.

you and your are in my prayers.
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Old 01-28-2010, 12:40 PM
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I'm going to take an entirely different angle on responding. Unfortunately, my ABF overdosed and died. The day before he died he said to me "if i thought i could slit my wrists and it all be over with, i would". The deputy sheriff who was monitoring his GPS ankle bracelet and I had a talk. The deputy was very poignant in telling me not to repeat that! Suicide talk is better left to 9-1-1. Let a professional decide if they are truly suicidal.
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Old 01-28-2010, 01:16 PM
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Insulated, I everyone is on the same page when they say if he threatens suicide, call 9-1-1.

You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.

...but you can protect your child from it.

Actually, trying to save him may be holding him back from getting better but you'll never know until you let go. His addiction isn't about you. It's about him.
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Old 01-28-2010, 02:58 PM
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Suicide threats, call 911 there are professionals that can deal with that much better than we can. Called them twice on my son after threats and once they put him in psych ward for 72 hours for observation.

To keep him from manipulating you you MUST set clear boundaries for YOURSELF. Sit down calmly and clearly decide where you will go the limits to oour own behavior concerning him. Then it it much easier than trying to sort through an addicts BS at the time of their pleas and abberant behavior. Set your boundaries based upon your values, not base upon your needs and wants.
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Old 01-29-2010, 08:29 AM
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I think his threats were a result of his detoxing...Although he's still going through this stage, he was acting very erratic at that point and yesterday, he was completely fine in the context of his behavior and apologized for the craziness I had endured the previous night.

What I meant in that he seems to do better when I'm not around is that his mother comes and picks up the pieces and cleans up his mess. When I have asked him to leave in the past, he goes to his mother's he does better in that no matter what he does she gives him cash and babies him. Not to say that he gets clean because I don't think he did the last time but I have harbored resentment over it just because through his addiction there has been so much pain and just horrible things that transpired and he NEVER gets consequences to it. I guess this is more codie behavior, it just hurts really bad that if I have him leave, he will most likely have someone baby him and help him get a place and his things together and although I have support from family, I feel that my road to getting better is a million times harder. I felt this way too when I left my ex-husband, he did so many horrible things to me in the relationship and in a lot of ways, I felt that it was so much easier for him than it was for me after the split, though I did learn in time that the hard road was the best thing for me because I learned to rely on myself again and because it made me realize just how strong I am when I take a stand and challenge myself to be more, to try and be my best.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about all of this, probably more than I should be. It's just really hard to let go...I feel more removed in one context and of course in the other context, I am grasping some itty bit of hope left in me that this time 'he really is going to put his money where his mouth is and work on recovery'. It's difficult to wrap my head around my own train of thought...I am a rational person but when it comes to him I make choices that are well not in my best interest. I don't get how I stay now that I am aware of my part in this...why is it so hard for me to let go and do what I know is right?

With my ex-husband, it was constant cheating, verbal abuse, and physical abuse and I put up with it for so long until I had gotten back on my feet was working and saw actual proof that for the one millionth time, he was not going to change. Does me still having thoughts of my abf coming out of this and changing mean, I haven't hit rock bottom? It's just odd to me because I think about what I went through with my ex and now with my abf and though my ex wasn't on drugs the patterns are to a tee the same. The lying, sneaking around, putting us in debt, and just empty promises...but it was easier to leave knowing that there was someone else, that he was cheating then it is now being in this sort of situation. The reality is that he is cheating on me with drugs but somewhere in my little head, I on some level justify this as not being as bad. I mean, I don't know how to explain it. I'm just really hurting right now because I know letting go is best for me and if I don't get out, I will end up loving him to death and believe me that is NOT what I want. I don't know I apologize for venting like this but I appreciate all of your thoughts and support.
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Old 01-29-2010, 07:10 PM
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Want2befree-


I feel your pain. I felt the same way you do with my ex ABF. I worried about him, worried about where he would go, worried about what he would do to himself ( he talked of suicide also) until I worried myself into insanity! It was a DAILY consuming thought in my head. I lost myself, my selfesteem, my love for myself, self respect. It consumed my whole being.

What it boils down to is this.....you need to decide what YOU want, what YOU need and what will make YOU happy. That means that you will end up having to become as SELFISH as the addict to escape the insanity of living with the SELFISH addict. I promise you will eventually get to where you will put yourself FIRST. For some of us on here it took only a couple months, some a year ( like myself) and some even 10 years. Only you will KNOW when you have had enough and when it is time to put yourself FIRST! That feeling of taking yourself back will be so wonderful!
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Old 01-29-2010, 09:47 PM
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i had the same issues with my ah and his mom, when he had to leave here, he'd go straight to his mom, somewhere he could do whatever he wanted without being held accountable for anything, with no responsibilities and someone who picked up as many pieces as she possibly could for him. if she ever confronted him and his life there became uncomfortable for him, he'd come running home and then the cycle repeats. back and forth for 21yrs, i'm ashamed to say but he really did have his cake and ate it too. it was like he was saying "my way or no way, i'll go live with my mom" and i slowly became so sick til i actually didn't see it and went for it every time. i actually felt like i was in competition with his mom and eventually began to resent her. why? because i wanted her to treat him like i wanted her to and we were just not on the same page.

it took me forever to realize that i had no more control over her as i had over him and his addiction. i had to step away, pray for them both and let her keep him full time.

i think you can either take him back or let him go. his mom will have to get to her breaking point. seems to me like all he has to be concerned with is getting his drug, why would he want to do anything different. besides, do you really know how he's doing since he's not with you? do you really believe he's doing so much better just be cause he outwardly looks like it to you? is it possible that he takes extra steps to make you think this way? i'm sorry but from what you are saying, kind of sound like some manipulation goin on. try not to buy into all of that, detach and focus only on you. time will tell you whats really going on with him. just my opinion and i honestly don't know if this makes any sense to no one but me. if not, i already know, i still have a lot of growing to do.
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Old 01-29-2010, 10:07 PM
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Originally Posted by want2Bfree325 View Post
\ I on some level justify this as not being as bad. I mean, I don't know how to explain it. I'm just really hurting right now because I know letting go is best for me and if I don't get out, I will end up loving him to death and believe me that is NOT what I want. I don't know .
I hear me in here hon......... and someone, will say something to help you. I don't know/think it will be me, because here is where I get tripped up/stuck.

I would/do write here on SR and wind up feeling like an illiterate monkey..... saying "I dunno"....

But the truth is a lot of times, I just don't know. I don't know how/why we don't just walk away. I also know as a fulltime student and mother, that he zapped my energy for school, and yet when he's 'out' im even MORE zapped, because I 'wonder' etc.

All I'm saying is to keep trying to tell yourself that it's probably worse in the LONG run for you to stay in this situation. It stinks now... i know, i know. Am there/been there/ will hopefully perservere this time........

BUT time does heal.

Make him go an put YOU first. Tell yourself THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE, this has to do WITH WHAT YOU DESERVE!!!!! (another great member told ME that, and it helps a lot).
Love,
Cess
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Old 02-01-2010, 03:02 PM
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Cessy, thank you for the kind words. I know what you're saying. I think that is part of it, on some level I don't believe that I deserve more and that is what I am trying to figure out. My insurance kicks in today (finally!!!) and I need to get into therapy. I don't feel like I can figure this all out myself as I guess most people need. I also definitely know how my energy gets sapped from this relationship especially when he disappears. College last semester was so hard for me to finish, I am surprised I did so well (straight A's ). It is in instances like these where I see how I allow his actions to get the best of me and that reinforces the realization that I am better off.

Teke, I know what you're saying about the manipulation and the he probably wasn't doing better. I didn't kick him out this time. He takes suboxone and has been detoxing here. However, today he got the car working and had run out of Suboxone...went and got a car rental thanks to his grandparents and was supposed to pick up his medicine from the doctors. He ignored me for several hours just trying to figure out when he's coming home because we had to go grocery shopping too but nothing. My gut says he was using though he swears that his phone was off. He was getting drug sick over the suboxone too today. His mother finally did turn her back to some degree, which is good for her. However, I did find out back in December when I did make him leave to there, he was using there too (he just admitted that yesterday...) so I guess things weren't better than either.

It is extremely hard to put myself first...that is what I am trying to do...I decided to quit smoking a few weeks ago and made my quit day today and so far so good but my anxiety is bad. I just want my life back but like I will not deny that I am scared out of my mind and remain in the comfort of what I know as of right now even though I know it is not best. Ugh...I don't know...
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Old 02-02-2010, 07:25 PM
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i just want to point out that you said you are afraid to tell him to leave, as it's winter, where will he go, etc. but also said that his mother always rescues him. so he would go to her place, yes? of course him going to a real, inpatient rehab would be best, and then you would not have to worry for that time, maybe get a firm foundation again.

he's on suboxone yet he's detoxing? he must be detoxing from non-opiate substances?

it is a process. we don't always take one step forward, then another and another. sometimes we take a step or two back. it's just part of the process.

stay in touch, sweetie.
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Old 02-03-2010, 07:39 AM
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Wow.

He's an adult who takes no financial responsibility for his child.
Sounds like when he works his money goes to the junk and gas to acquire it.
He does not sustain employment and it's always someone else's fault.
He does not financially sustain himself and so you, his mom and grandma do it for him.

What reason does he have to contemplate take responsibility for himself and his own addiction so long as there are people around ready, willing and able to do for him, what he can do for himself?

Your child deserves to live in a home that is not compromized by another big ole baby and his addiction/lifestyle.
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Old 02-04-2010, 02:40 PM
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I just wanted to throw out there my AH told me that if on suboxone that if he tried using an opiate that it will make him sick. Now I do not know if that is true, cause well look at the source, but if so, that could be the problem.

**hugs**
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