I think his threats were a result of his detoxing...Although he's still going through this stage, he was acting very erratic at that point and yesterday, he was completely fine in the context of his behavior and apologized for the craziness I had endured the previous night.
What I meant in that he seems to do better when I'm not around is that his mother comes and picks up the pieces and cleans up his mess. When I have asked him to leave in the past, he goes to his mother's he does better in that no matter what he does she gives him cash and babies him. Not to say that he gets clean because I don't think he did the last time but I have harbored resentment over it just because through his addiction there has been so much pain and just horrible things that transpired and he NEVER gets consequences to it. I guess this is more codie behavior, it just hurts really bad that if I have him leave, he will most likely have someone baby him and help him get a place and his things together and although I have support from family, I feel that my road to getting better is a million times harder. I felt this way too when I left my ex-husband, he did so many horrible things to me in the relationship and in a lot of ways, I felt that it was so much easier for him than it was for me after the split, though I did learn in time that the hard road was the best thing for me because I learned to rely on myself again and because it made me realize just how strong I am when I take a stand and challenge myself to be more, to try and be my best.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about all of this, probably more than I should be. It's just really hard to let go...I feel more removed in one context and of course in the other context, I am grasping some itty bit of hope left in me that this time 'he really is going to put his money where his mouth is and work on recovery'. It's difficult to wrap my head around my own train of thought...I am a rational person but when it comes to him I make choices that are well not in my best interest. I don't get how I stay now that I am aware of my part in this...why is it so hard for me to let go and do what I know is right?
With my ex-husband, it was constant cheating, verbal abuse, and physical abuse and I put up with it for so long until I had gotten back on my feet was working and saw actual proof that for the one millionth time, he was not going to change. Does me still having thoughts of my abf coming out of this and changing mean, I haven't hit rock bottom? It's just odd to me because I think about what I went through with my ex and now with my abf and though my ex wasn't on drugs the patterns are to a tee the same. The lying, sneaking around, putting us in debt, and just empty promises...but it was easier to leave knowing that there was someone else, that he was cheating then it is now being in this sort of situation. The reality is that he is cheating on me with drugs but somewhere in my little head, I on some level justify this as not being as bad. I mean, I don't know how to explain it. I'm just really hurting right now because I know letting go is best for me and if I don't get out, I will end up loving him to death and believe me that is NOT what I want. I don't know I apologize for venting like this but I appreciate all of your thoughts and support.