want2Bfree325

Again, I am posting and God I wish I had stayed away when I left for good back in December. He was using again apparently right as soon as I let him back in. He had gotten a good job closer to home and lost this one due to apparently telling off his boss who was being nasty to him all of the time. He lost another job a few weeks before and blamed his mother for it because she was supposed to pick him up on his lunch break to get his car from the garage where work was being done on it and she came late so he got fired for not being back on time... Who knows if that is even the truth. The track marks reappeared, the disappearances have continued and finally he admitted it a few days ago though the same day he went out and took the last bit of money he had and got high. Right now he is detoxing which is good but I feel like it is only because he has run out of money. His sincerity to get clean doesn't seem real to me...I feel like he is not serious because he blames not having enough money to go to his outpatient meetings and therapy (he only went to 3 total) on why he relapsed, then blamed his doctor who won't up his suboxone despite the fact that he has relapsed and has cravings...What I am trying to say is that he is still looking outward for excuses to justify and explain his behavior. Our 2nd car in the past two months has just started messing up (it was a junker but something that was supposed to get us from point a to point b) and I believe it's because he has been putting so many miles on it just to get his fix (a few thousand miles in a week or so). I am so tired of this and I just want him out of my life once and for all. I just feel stuck because of course I love him and see him suffering through the detox but also because he has no money, no car, and everyone else has turned their backs on him. The weather is cold and I know that if I made him leave, he wouldn't last long out there in the context that the car is really messed up and no one else will take him in. I know that it is not my fault that HE has caused these problems for us and for himself though I also see my part by living in denial of all of the red flags again. However, I feel responsible for him too (codie behavior I know) that if I put him out he will have no one. He is the father of my son and I just am at a loss. I want him out but I also just wish that there was at least somewhere for him to go because the guilt is there. He says he will leave but then threatens to commit suicide because he has no one and life is not worth living (I think it is manipulation but I don't want to take the chance either). Now that he is detoxing he keeps saying what a horrible person he is and he doesn't deserve to live, I keep getting the usual feelings of wanting to help him and 'fix' him but I stop myself to some extent because I know I can't and I also know that his words are just manipulation to suck me back in. But in the same respect, a suicide threat is not something I feel that I should take lightly either...I just keep thinking lately that I need to do something for me, that I need to get my life back. I feel like I am an empty shell of who I used to be and I don't like that. I hate that I feel responsible for him when I need to be more responsible for myself. It's also difficult because I have so much time on my hands right now that I finished up with college until next fall ( I just graduated with 2 Associate's and will be working on my BA in the fall) which, I thought would be a Godsend but it doesn't feel that way especially when I have him here constantly and since I am having problems getting out of this slump of just being sad and depressed. I know I want him out for good this time but like I said there is so much guilt and fear consuming me and keeping me from following through...Thanks for listening to me....