Cessy, thank you for the kind words. I know what you're saying. I think that is part of it, on some level I don't believe that I deserve more and that is what I am trying to figure out. My insurance kicks in today (finally!!!) and I need to get into therapy. I don't feel like I can figure this all out myself as I guess most people need. I also definitely know how my energy gets sapped from this relationship especially when he disappears. College last semester was so hard for me to finish, I am surprised I did so well (straight A's
). It is in instances like these where I see how I allow his actions to get the best of me and that reinforces the realization that I am better off.
Teke, I know what you're saying about the manipulation and the he probably wasn't doing better. I didn't kick him out this time. He takes suboxone and has been detoxing here. However, today he got the car working and had run out of Suboxone...went and got a car rental thanks to his grandparents and was supposed to pick up his medicine from the doctors. He ignored me for several hours just trying to figure out when he's coming home because we had to go grocery shopping too but nothing. My gut says he was using though he swears that his phone was off. He was getting drug sick over the suboxone too today. His mother finally did turn her back to some degree, which is good for her. However, I did find out back in December when I did make him leave to there, he was using there too (he just admitted that yesterday...) so I guess things weren't better than either.
It is extremely hard to put myself first...that is what I am trying to do...I decided to quit smoking a few weeks ago and made my quit day today and so far so good but my anxiety is bad. I just want my life back but like I will not deny that I am scared out of my mind and remain in the comfort of what I know as of right now even though I know it is not best. Ugh...I don't know...