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Updated on disgusted with AS

Old 01-02-2010, 09:00 AM
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Updated on disgusted with AS

Well here's the latest I told him when he got home the other day that I no longer want to have the girlfriend sleeping over (one of my new boundaries). He's 28 she's 27 and they have been alternating living at her mother's and then here occasionally. Just to update we thought they were saving $$ trying to set themselves up etc.. no they haven't saved a dime have been using all the money on drugs. Now they have both been to rehab and from what I can see are staying clean and sober. But I can no longer enable them to keep living like they are children and using us. At this age if they want to live together the should be adults and get their own place not be dong this at their parents. Well after I told him that he huff and puffed ranted and raved and stormed out. Havent heard from him since. ~~ ugh~~ Thanks for listening. Feel a little bad but not bad about the decision I made. I just can't keep this going on any longer. I know it probably seems to him that we changed the rules when in fact finding out about his drug use ... he changed the rules.
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Old 01-02-2010, 09:04 AM
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Good for you! He can get glad in the same pants he got mad in.
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Old 01-02-2010, 10:16 AM
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No is a complete sentance. No explanation necessary.

Stick with your own boundaries.
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Old 01-02-2010, 10:48 AM
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Don't feel bad! He won't fly unless you boot him out of the nest.
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Old 01-02-2010, 11:35 AM
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True and like I said I feel like they used us just so they could continue being druggies and not even a hint or remorse... still arrogant and self rigtheous.. I don't get it.
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Old 01-02-2010, 04:47 PM
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my a.s. is 38 yrs old & i read your piost & can not believe that i was like u when he was your sons age. i can not believe i let my son & his wife stay with me while i supported them, their children & dished out money to them too. wow....i have grown & regret so much of what i did for (to) them.. keep coming back i care what happens in your life. i am so sorry. hugs & prayers,
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Old 01-02-2010, 07:04 PM
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Thank you.. I don't want that to happen which is why I'm trying to set the boundaries I am. I won't be here forever they have to be able to take care of themselves. Heck I have been doing it since I was 21 why can't they ??? Now he acts like hey I'm the bad guy maybe it's just an addict thing. I don't know all I do know is I'm getting real tired of being so sad about it.
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Old 01-02-2010, 07:49 PM
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i feel your pain. my son has so much more respect for me now that i will not take any crap from him. i would hang up on him when he would say the least thing out of the way to me. remember this is your house. kids seem to take advantage of a parent,especially the mother, when ever they can. they do not have to b an addict for that. i am sorry u are sad. hugs,
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Old 01-03-2010, 02:56 AM
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(((Jacksdaughter))) - I was talking to one of my manager's, who is also my friend, about my niece one day. She's 16 and gets away with murder at home, but at work, is totally responsible, and excellent employee and wouldn't DREAM of whining or complaining like she can do at home. My mgr said "they do what they can get away with".

I've often said that teenagers and addicts (and I'm an RA) act a lot alike. An A WILL do whatever they can get away with. If they can live off of you and keep using...they'll do it as long as they can.

I know it's sad and it hurts, but I think you did the right thing. I know that if I were to relapse, I will be kicked out of my home...no questions asked. Heck, if I even ACT like I'm using, I'm in big trouble! I'm way older than your son, and living at home thanks to the financial and career mess I got myself into by using, but I'm expected to work, pay bills and contribute to the family. I don't like it? I'm welcome to leave. Thank God I have enough brain cells left to know how fortunate I am

Hang in there...you're doing the most loving thing you can do, IMO.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 01-03-2010, 03:46 PM
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i'm a ra too, and i think you are doing a loving thing too./ take care of you. i think it can be an addict's dream, to have someone else to provide their basic needs so that they can focus more on suppling their drugs, i think its a sure way to help feed their drug addiction. i'm sorry but i really believe if my family had bailed me out, i'd still be out using, in jail or dead.
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Old 01-05-2010, 09:03 AM
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He's a grown man time to stand on his own two feet. What your doing is to be a loving parent. One day hopefully he will thankyou.
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Old 01-05-2010, 10:25 AM
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I hope you're right I still haven't heard from him. Very weird can't be good.
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Old 01-05-2010, 10:36 AM
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jacksdaughter, The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to stay busy. I have been where you are and my greatest help (along with this site)) was an addiction councilor...she really set me straight and helped me to understand what my son was up to and how very codependant I was. I always felt that my son was punishing me by staying away and then returning for more help....by then I was at my wits end. Stand strong and don't worry too much. They do have friends that you don't even know exist mom...I have learned that. It took my son 6 years of this before he is finally realizing how much he has lost. I'm around if you need a shoulder.....Smiles, Bonnie
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Old 01-05-2010, 02:35 PM
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All great advice, thank you. I will try my best to do this. You are all right he is a grown man and needs to starting living as if he were a grown man, which means I have to let him. Thanks!
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Old 01-05-2010, 03:21 PM
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You did the right thing. By detaching with love we allow them to learn how to take care of themselves. Sometimes this means also learning that there are consequences to their actions, sometimes it allows them to decide to reach out for reecovery.

Regardless of what they decide, it's their journey and not ours to direct.

If he is unkind and disrespectful, you don't have to participate. I have a boundary that as soon as a conversations becomes heated or disrespectful, it is over...right then and there. I leave or hang up and don't have to slam the door or phone, I just need to detach. I respect myself enough today to not allow verbal abuse. That took me a while to learn.

I don't know if you've been to any meetings, but if you haven't maybe give them a try. Meetings literally saved my life and many here have found great relief in having live support available to them.

Keeping your son in my prayers, and you also. It's just not easy being the mom of an addict.

Hugs
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Old 01-05-2010, 08:46 PM
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just want to add something of my esp.

while active in my addiction concerning my family and me. there were times that i thought i was angry because my family decided not to help me the way i thought i wanted them to but their actions really did help me more than for them to continue to enable me. its true that in my addictive thinking, i didn't understand their actions but as i began to work on myself in recovery, i totally began to see just how much they were helping me by not enabling me.

there were times that i wasn't in constant contact with them not because of anger but mainly because i was too ashamed of myself and the life that i had chosen to live. i felt like a disappointment/embarrassment to them and to myself and it was very painful for me to see the hurt in their eyes, so in my mind, i thought i would just kind of stay my distance until i could get myself together.

i know that you said that they are both clean but it does take time and a lot of work for the mind to clear after stopping the drug use. i believe as time goes on and they continue to work on themselves, they will began to see for themselves just how loving your actions really are.

i'm praying for all of you, that you will hear from him soon and that your relationship with the both of them will be even better than it was before addiction.

i really want to say, try not to take it personal, most of the time my absence meant that i was just too embarrassed of myself to be around any of my non addicted family. i really did want more for myself but rehab or recovery just don't always register to the addicted mind.
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Old 01-06-2010, 05:30 AM
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Anne and Teke... thank you.

I honestly thought that maybe it was embarrassement and being disappointed in himself. He very often was nasty to me claiming I had that disappointed tone of voice when in fact I think it was him being disappointed in himself. I am disappointed well of course but I have never said that to him. I am very sad that this is the life he is choosing when he could be so so much more. He was home last night didn't really look at me which makes me question and left this morning without a any words. Not sure whats going on but in my opinion nothing has really changed he seems to be living the same life as before the rehab and all the things he said he was going to do I don't see being done. But like you say it's his journey and he doesn't seem to want to let me in anyway. I just hope and pray that someday he will find his way before it's too late and he wastes any more of his life like this.
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