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Trying to cope

Old 09-17-2009, 05:24 AM
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Trying to cope

Hi, i have just joined and i am not sure i am in the right place. I have never talked to anyone other than a few friends and my family about my husband, so here goes.. He is a cocaine addict, although he can go a month or more without but when something triggers him off, he can go on a bender for 9 weeks,spending all our/his money and has cut himself in the past. He is a binge drinker and the two go hand in hand with him. I am having trouble coping. I feel very alone most of the time when he does this and im scared that he will end up in a coffin.
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Old 09-17-2009, 06:56 AM
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Hi Caitsith, welcome to SR!

I'm sorry for the reasons you find yourself here, but I can assure you that you are normal to feel the things you do at this point, given your circumstances. Addicts do basically abandon real life in preference to using, leaving loved ones hurting and alone. And it is a reality of addiction that it can result in death. So you are not crazy to have the fears you have, or feel the way you do.

Do you have any real life face to face support people? There are free support groups in Nar-Anon (a support/recovery group for friends and family of drug users) and Al-Anon (same for friends and family of alcoholics - since there are many more of these meetings in most communities there are often friends and family of drug users in them).

Please take some time and read the "sticky" posts at the top of the topics page for great information, and please feel free to come back anytime and post away to ask questions, vent, cry, feel your rage or fears, or report on how things are going. Members here will chime in with their "experience, strength, and hope" of what they've learned in similar circumstances.

Hugs to you! More folks will be along to welcome you shortly!

CLMI

P.S. - You are definitely in the right place, and welcome here!
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Old 09-17-2009, 08:57 AM
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hi welcome, glad you found us but sorry about your reason for having to. my husband is also a crack addict and has been known to disappear for days, so i do understand how you feel. when i first came to this site, i was literally going insane. i eventually after 21 yrs of this, had to separate myself from him so as to save myself.

sr has been a good send for me. YES, you are in the right place, we all have either been where you are or is there now. it will get better for you even if he's not quite ready right now.

i agree with the advice above. you are never alone here. try to focus on you, do what you can to protect your finances and other valuables. if you don't already have one, maybe check into getting separate accounts, set boundaries for yourself concerning his behavior and follow up with set consequences. what can you live with?

as you probably know, nothing you do or say will make him stop, he has to be ready to do that for himself, but its up to you to stop his actions from effecting you. addiction does get progressive worse so the best thing you can do is take care of yourself.

you and your family are in my prayers.
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Old 09-17-2009, 07:09 PM
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Welcome, Caithsith.

Have you ever considered leaving him?

How long have you been married? Are there children? Do you provide the drug money?

You will find support here.

Bluejay xx
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Old 09-17-2009, 07:14 PM
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Welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 09-18-2009, 12:55 AM
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This is a great place to learn and get the tools and knowledge that will help you. There are so many options and as you read and learn, listen to what others have to say the decisions you need to make will be clearer and clearer.
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Old 09-18-2009, 04:57 AM
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Welcome. My husband is a Recovered Crack Addict. This Forum was SOOOOOO helpful in my own recovery. Here is what helped me the most...the THREE Cs

1. you didn't CAUSE it
2. you can't CURE it
3. you can't CONTROL it.

There is nothing you can do to make your husband stop using. Perhaps, in taking care of you, keeping firm boundaries, it will move him into a situation that will lead to his bottom. For example, I kicked my husband out, contacted the police about his illegal activities, notified the neighbors about the warrant out for his arrest. Eventually, he was arrested, convicted, and that 2 year prison term was instrumental in him stopping.

TAKE CARE OF YOU. He's not worried about you when he's out using. You don't need to worry about him.

Hang in there.
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Old 10-08-2009, 08:13 PM
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Hi everyone, i haven't posted for a while, i hope i dont seem a fool. I really need some support at the moment Hubby has for once started geting help, but as we all know, it doesn't happen over night! Tonight was the first night i've been out with my hubby for about 6 months ( because i couln't watch him take cocaine all night and enjoy our night out) And put up with his 'Drug Buddies' Our help, EDDAS ( I think i got that right !!) They said they can help , i have spoken with them about hubby. He IS i seriously ok with this. But the next app could be 5 WEEKS !!!!! He's been on a bender 4 times since. I know what im letting myself in for but i still hurts. I am also getting help and support for all this, but they can't talk to me when i really need someone ?? ( Does that make sense? ) As i am typing this i am hurting, i feel un loved un wanted an un appreciated. I have to say, that he has,for the first time in years, taken nothing appart from drink this eve, ( No excuse i know ! ) but cause he' s a binge drinker he says things that hurt SO much. They say us women are bad with PMT !! I try not to be so cynical ( not sure about spelling !! ) Has anyone heard of the story about ' The boy who cried wolf ' ??!! I have to say he REALLY is very angry with himself when he realises what he has done. Please don't get me wrong, i am no fool. I am an only child and i have no family that understands so, i am really on my own. I just could do with a few good vibes before i loose the plot altogether !! Please ignore this post if i have gone on too much. I am sorry
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Old 10-08-2009, 09:08 PM
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Oh Caitsmith,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please find some small comfort in knowing that SO MANY of us here at SR know what you are going through because we go through it too. Cocaine is a horrible drug so I know he is probably just so mean when he is doing it. Alcohol too. I was an angry drunk once. Like your husband, I also am a binge alcoholic. I got myself into recovery and have been doing well with that.

Your husband's binges are part of a cycle that will continue until he decides to stop. Five weeks sounds like a long time to me too. Is there any way he can get into detox at a medical center or local hospital? This program you speak of, EDDAS, can you call them and find out if there is any other program that might have a shorter wait list?

Because you say do not have any other social supports, I sincerely recommend you find an Al-Anon meeting as soon as you are able. You will find a lot of support at Al-Anon and they will give you their phone numbers for you to call them when you need someone to talk to. You can find the Al-Anon number right in your local phone book. If you need transportation, someone will even come pick you up; all you have to do is ask.

You know everything is going to be okay, right? I'll tell you something my mother taught me many years ago when I was in the same state you are in because of cocaine addiction. What she told me, in short, was: I know that right now things seem terrible, painful, bad. But always remember during bad times that there are good times ahead. And by the same token, when those good times have arrived, keep in mind that there will always be bad times ahead.

So, Caitsmith, your job right now is to BREATHE and continue breathing. Often we become so upset and paralyzed by the bad we think is going to happen, the "What-ifs" that we lose control of ourselves Today. Bring yourself back to the present moment and think about some of the good things ahead of you. Here is the Serenity Prayer that will help you bring yourself back to the present moment:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.


When I first got into recovery, I must have said this prayer over and over a million times in the first two weeks. Even now, when I begin to panic over one thing or another, I just automatically start saying it.

You can do this Caitsmith, and you WILL. You are NOT alone. We are all going through this with you.
:ghug2
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Old 10-08-2009, 09:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Caitsith View Post
Hi everyone, i haven't posted for a while, i hope i dont seem a fool. I really need some support at the moment Hubby has for once started geting help, but as we all know, it doesn't happen over night! Tonight was the first night i've been out with my hubby for about 6 months ( because i couln't watch him take cocaine all night and enjoy our night out) And put up with his 'Drug Buddies'
Cait,

I'm so sorry that you are hurting.....

What do you want advise on?? If it's how to deal with the pain in living with an addict........... then you have a lot of work to do. THe pain and utter dissapointments will continue, because of his addiction, and you're inability to see that YOU can't HELP HIM/CHANGE HIM....

It's painful and sad sweetheart.

Keep posting /reading, we are all here to help.

Love
Cess
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Old 10-08-2009, 09:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Oh Caitsmith,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please find some small comfort in knowing that SO MANY of us here at SR know what you are going through because we go through it too. Cocaine is a horrible drug so I know he is probably just so mean when he is doing it. Alcohol too. I was an angry drunk once. Like your husband, I also am a binge alcoholic. I got myself into recovery and have been doing well with that.

Your husband's binges are part of a cycle that will continue until he decides to stop. Five weeks sounds like a long time to me too. Is there any way he can get into detox at a medical center or local hospital? This program you speak of, EDDAS, can you call them and find out if there is any other program that might have a shorter wait list?

Because you say do not have any other social supports, I sincerely recommend you find an Al-Anon meeting as soon as you are able. You will find a lot of support at Al-Anon and they will give you their phone numbers for you to call them when you need someone to talk to. You can find the Al-Anon number right in your local phone book. If you need transportation, someone will even come pick you up; all you have to do is ask.

You know everything is going to be okay, right? I'll tell you something my mother taught me many years ago when I was in the same state you are in because of cocaine addiction. What she told me, in short, was: I know that right now things seem terrible, painful, bad. But always remember during bad times that there are good times ahead. And by the same token, when those good times have arrived, keep in mind that there will always be bad times ahead.

So, Caitsmith, your job right now is to BREATHE and continue breathing. Often we become so upset and paralyzed by the bad we think is going to happen, the "What-ifs" that we lose control of ourselves Today. Bring yourself back to the present moment and think about some of the good things ahead of you. Here is the Serenity Prayer that will help you bring yourself back to the present moment:

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.


When I first got into recovery, I must have said this prayer over and over a million times in the first two weeks. Even now, when I begin to panic over one thing or another, I just automatically start saying it.

You can do this Caitsmith, and you WILL. You are NOT alone. We are all going through this with you.
:ghug2
OMG Thank SO Much !! I have to say i cried reading your reply you know, I know im not the only one going through this, but i sure feels like it sometimes ! Im so confused and angry at the same time ! I have learnt that he doens't do this to hurt me on purpose and that i dont come anywhere on the 100 importance list but it still hurts! I am proud that he is finally facing up to it all and getting help, but i feel So alone and wish i had someone who understands to give me a hug ! Does that sound silly ? I wish i had someone to wipe away my tears right now !!
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Old 10-08-2009, 09:41 PM
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Hi and welcome, Caitsmith. This place has helped me so much. The "sticky" readings, knowing I'm not alone in the craziness of having an addicted loved one, the books like CoDependant No More, and finally going to AlAnon. It really helps. May the Lord comfort you right now.
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Old 10-08-2009, 10:01 PM
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Originally Posted by BohemiMamaof3 View Post
Hi and welcome, Caitsmith. This place has helped me so much. The "sticky" readings, knowing I'm not alone in the craziness of having an addicted loved one, the books like CoDependant No More, and finally going to AlAnon. It really helps. May the Lord comfort you right now.
Thank you. I dont know what to say, but thank you ! I have had a bad eve so far and have been crying for a few hrs now. I thought i ran out of tears a long time ago ! It's my birthday soon, which i get depressed about at the best of times but this year i am really not looking forward to it ! I dont have many friends, and as i suffer with depression, i dont go out very much, so going to meet people going through the same thing as me is pretty impossible. I have my own problems, which i try to put aside to cope with my hubby's ( which unfortunatley makes them mine too, wether i like it or not! )
Thank you again for your kind words.
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Old 10-08-2009, 10:28 PM
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My birthday is soon, too. And I'll be darned if my A-brother didn't send me a mean little email to make me blue, but I am not going to let that happen. I am working on doing good, nice things for me. I went to the dollar store and got party hats, plates and those bower things, and I have some cupcakes and I am going to celebrate at work tomorrow. I hope you find a way to celebrate, too, because you deserve it. The care you lavish on your AH, try spending a little of that on you! Do something nice for yourself.

I have been rereading the "stickies" tonight and found this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...feel-like.html

Happy Birthday!
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Old 10-09-2009, 08:06 AM
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Caitsmith and BohemiMama, I ALSO have a b-day coming up in two weeks. 7 This is very strangely coincidental.
Are we ALL Libras? Hmmm....

Caitsmith, I love the color of your posts! Can you tell me how you did that if you remember? Girl, I tell ya', I read your last post and thought you and I are so alike!

have been crying for a few hrs now. I thought i ran out of tears a long time ago !
I know, right? Isn't it weird just how much water can come out of your eyes!?!? Who knew?

It's my birthday soon, which i get depressed about at the best of times but this year i am really not looking forward to it !
Why do you get depressed about birthdays I wonder?

I dont have many friends, and as i suffer with depression, i dont go out very much, so going to meet people going through the same thing as me is pretty impossible.
I limit the number of "friends" I have also. Too many friends just confuses me. I also have depression. I think I probably had some of it my whole life but it did not get bad until 12 years ago when I involved myself with a person who is addicted to crack.

I know it feels impossible to go out and meet other people such as in Al-Anon but will you at least think about it? I know for certain it is uncomfortable at first. I also have difficulty being around people socially. But it is not like a "normal" social event; they are generally "quiet" meetings, the people are very kind and you don't even have to speak if you don't want to.

I have my own problems, which i try to put aside to cope with my hubby's ( which unfortunatley makes them mine too, wether i like it or not! )
I know, right? You must have been reading my mind because not 10 minutes ago I was thinking about this same thing. I recall telling my EX-Addicted-Friend "I have my OWN problems. You need to take care of yours." Even though he KNEW this and understood this, still he would not take responsibility for his own issues. He didn't care to.

I guess it's about 6PM your time as I'm posting this. I hope you had a good day with less tears. Don't forget to drink plenty of water so you have a steady tear-supply.
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Old 10-09-2009, 11:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Caitsmith and BohemiMama, I ALSO have a b-day coming up in two weeks. 7 This is very strangely coincidental.
Are we ALL Libras? Hmmm....

Caitsmith, I love the color of your posts! Can you tell me how you did that if you remember? Girl, I tell ya', I read your last post and thought you and I are so alike!

I know, right? Isn't it weird just how much water can come out of your eyes!?!? Who knew?


Why do you get depressed about birthdays I wonder?

I limit the number of "friends" I have also. Too many friends just confuses me. I also have depression. I think I probably had some of it my whole life but it did not get bad until 12 years ago when I involved myself with a person who is addicted to crack.

I know it feels impossible to go out and meet other people such as in Al-Anon but will you at least think about it? I know for certain it is uncomfortable at first. I also have difficulty being around people socially. But it is not like a "normal" social event; they are generally "quiet" meetings, the people are very kind and you don't even have to speak if you don't want to.


I know, right? You must have been reading my mind because not 10 minutes ago I was thinking about this same thing. I recall telling my EX-Addicted-Friend "I have my OWN problems. You need to take care of yours." Even though he KNEW this and understood this, still he would not take responsibility for his own issues. He didn't care to.

I guess it's about 6PM your time as I'm posting this. I hope you had a good day with less tears. Don't forget to drink plenty of water so you have a steady tear-supply.
Thank you for your reply,it has cheered me up a bit ! Today isn't much better,hubby is out again. We had a huge row last night. He said some very nasty things,although i said a few too ! Only because i was hurting. I haven't seem him all day.

Im a scorpio but as i was born on the cusp so sometimes im not ! I get depressed about my birthdays because they are ALWAYS a disaster! ALL of them. Always have been. But i think i have always been depressed maybe because of my childhood. But with what hubby does, it just adds too it.

To get the colour of my posts, just select the colour form the A option on the post menu ( Where you select the type of font etc) It's my fav colour!
I think you are right, we are alike ! I have been drinking a lot of water !!!
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Old 10-09-2009, 11:29 AM
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Addiction trumps astrology.


His addiction is all about him and has absolutely nothing to do with you. It's not personal.

You cannot love him clean and sober. You cannot talk him clean and sober. You cannot scream him clean and sober. You cannot beg him clean and sober. He owns this one. Only he can decide to get clean and sober and stay that way, or not. It's his choice.

Only you can figure out what is acceptable to you.

Are there children? Is he the financial support of the household? What's in it for you?
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Old 10-09-2009, 12:03 PM
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Thanks for the reply Caitsmith. I'm glad you're feeling a little better. I love these little smilies, they make me smile; guess that's why they call them "smilies." Thanks to you also, now I know how to use color! Watch out, there's a rainbow coming your way!

I just ignore my birthdays anymore. I just spend them like any other day. I don't even bother taking off work for it either. That way I get to avoid hurt feelings and disaster. The last boyfriend (who is NOT addicted or alcoholic in ANY way) went on vacation with a relative the whole week of my birthday the last year we were "together". That did it for me. Why should I spend the NEXT 42 years wishing my birthdays were happy unlike those of the LAST 42 years? When we let go of the wants and desires, we allow ourselves to be grateful for what we have and experience.

Here is something for you to practice this weekend. That man you are married to is going to do what he wants to do no matter how it makes you feel and no matter what you say or do, right? Well, one way to get some sanity and peace in your life is to stop reacting to him in the ways you are both accustomed to and feeding off of.

If he says something mean to you, and you feel hurt, BREATHE deep and WAIT. Focus on your breath moving slowly in and out of your lungs. Then, tell yourself, "I am not going to cry." Then, turn around and walk away. It is hard to walk away and stay away but the more you practice this, the easier it gets. Find something to do after you have walked away: scrub the tub, wash the car, organize your fingernail polish, go to the park, anything to keep you away from that man.

Every time you get angry, you are allowing his disease to control you.

Oh, and by the way, if you live in London, I'm coming over for a visit! Just kidding!
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Old 10-09-2009, 07:56 PM
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Hope you had a better day, Caits. Been thinking about you.
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Old 10-10-2009, 08:57 AM
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Thanks to you both! Yearterday was just as bad, but today is a little better for me. Glad you can now do coloured text ! Yay! I dont live in london unfortunaltey..but i could move !!! HE HE !

If im right in thinking, and you have had your birthday,im sorry i missed it so here.....:day67 !!! I will try what you have suggested,i have to say, that when he goes on a bender, i do make some 'me time' We have two adorable 2 year old kitties so we have a girlie night !! LOL Us girls together! I do try and turn my back on it but sometimes it's hard. I know that this appointment we are waiting for will not change things over night, and i know what im getting into but it's the waiting! It's driving me nuts !! Thank you both. X

Waiting for that rainbow !!...

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