BigSis

Had such an awesome meeting last night. My regular Thursday night Alanon - the one that saved my life when daughter was still using meth. We've had an influx recently of "my" kind of alcoholic... the alanonic alcoholic, of which I am one.

Lots of guys and gals coming in with sponsors who don't have a clue about boundaries. Lots of wonderful recovery and new faces and gratitude.

I was so filled with love, I was nearly ready to burst.


Then today, I relapsed... entirely. sigh.


Daughter drank... drove with the baby, reconciled with her violent, non-working (ever), non-thinking, self-involved husband. She lied (of course) to me and then was a no show to get the car fixed. I had one of her babies, so I was unable to get MY stuff done today.

So I got the car, took it to the shop, dropped off the other baby and did my errands....all day. (I've not slept for more than 4 hours a night for nearly a week... it was starting to take its toll).

When I returned, Mr. Big was not happy about the situation as daughter had moved into our home two weeks ago saying she was "done, done, done" with husband and his violence and his selfish ways. Then this.

But we didn't want to leave them stranded with 2 kids and no car... so we thought we would drop it off.

What we got was a face full of addict behavior and Mr. Big took the car and left them at their trailer.

Me? Big Sis with all her Big Recovery? What did *I* do?


I got up in the son-in-law's face and ripped him a new one. I scared my grandchildren, further alienated my daughter, embarrassed myself and made the situation worse.

I did not use my tools. I did not call my sponsor. I did not "THINK" before acting. I did not!!!! I yelled and belittled a man who had nothing. No education. No skills. No abilities. No caring family. No self-esteem. Nothing. But I used all MY big self to wipe the floor with him. Then they demanded I leave... sigh.

So... there they sit. Three months behind on rent. NO one is working. Two babies. Electricity might get turned off any day (late notice came weeks ago) and landlord was looking for money two weeks ago herself. Son in law got half the world looking to beat him up for assaulting one of daughter's girlfriends a week ago. The door on the trailer is broken, so they shove a heavey chair in front of it to keep it closed - Lord keep them from having a fire, please.

And that is what it looks like for me. Days that are so wonderful, so filled with the love of others in the program... so much gratitude for what I have.

Followed almost immediately by days that I hate who I am, how I look, what I say, how I walk, what I wear, and pity anyone who begins to give me credit for ANYthing.

That is MY disease. That is how the "ism" works in MY life.

But I have this place. I have my sponsor. I have my meeting on Sunday. I have a husband who loves me... really, even if he didn't like me too much tonight. And I have a faith in my Higher Power... that I needed, desperately to learn this lesson.

And I have the ASSURANCE based on past experience that this will not turn out as BAD as I think. That this will have a reason and a place in my recovery.

But sometimes, I look at the accountant with the two kids in college who's biggest worry is whether he will be able to travel in his retirement, and think...what the hell. Did I REALLY sign up for this?






yeah.




probably.



Love you guys,



Big Sis

BayAreaPhoenix

Dear BigSis. Seems to be a week of "falling off the wagon". I was told, and so shall I tell you, we learn from our mistakes. Kid, grandkids, etc. I don't know, sounds like it requires monumental strength to "keep it together" at all times! Strength that I cannot imagine having to do any better - I can't do any better with no kids it seems. Be kind to yourself, you know what you know. You did what you did. We are human, and we are not perfect, we strive for progress. Oh it's so easy on the other side to say, but to feel in the middle of it, it's not a good feeling; but beating ourselves up, it doesn't do any good - hard to not, I know, but try and do anyway. Truly and with all heart, give yourself a break. It sounds like a lot! Be good to yourself. Sounds like you're a momma bear! And, you know - sometimes that's what we need. So, (((((hugs))))), gentleness and kindness to yourself.

laurie6781

First let me say ....................................you DID NOT screw up. Please remember that we are also BIG MAMA LIONS when one of our own is threatened and your grandbabies ARE THREATENED by the situation they are in.

You did what comes natural. Yes sometimes the program is in direct odds to what comes natural, <g>

With all my ODAATs in both AA and Alanon, when one of 'mine' is threatened I too have the tendency to go into ATTACK mode.

Now mind you I am not saying this is 'right' or 'wrong' it is JUST LIFE.

You have come so far...............................this is just a little bump in the road. I am glad Mr. Big took the car. Your daughter will just have to find out the consequences of chosing 'him' over her children. Sounds like the way things are going CPS will be taking those kids (or you will).

I know your daughter has to learn by her own experiences, but the grandbabies I am sure are what you are concerned about.

As to

Maybe he heard just a 'teeny' bit, maybe not. I know at the moment it was happening you were venting. Now you are beating yourself up. DON'T.

Please remember..................................you are human, as humans we do make mistakes, we are not perfect.

"Progress not perfection."

In my book your progress has been phenomenal!!!!!

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Spiritual Seeker

I hear ya. It is difficult dealing with and relating to addicts, no doubt about it. It can give us a big ol' case of the crazies. But we do have step 10 which suggests we take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We can make amends if we have harmed anyone.

Ann

BigSis, I truly understand the adrenaline rush that kicks into any mama that is trying to protect their babies, grown babies and tiny grandbabies alike. I've been there and done that and found that the only person affected was ME.

We know the drill but sometimes we hate the process and end up with a huge panic/adrenaline rush that takes us places we ought not go.

You have been under huge personal pressure lately, and combine that with lack of sleep and babies in danger and what you have is chaos waiting to happen.

Take a deep breath, do what you need to do to find your own balance and peace in all this, and grab the lesson and move forward a little wiser albeit bruised from the experience.

Sending huge hugs and big prayers for all of you, it's just not where any mama wants to be.

Hugs and Love

BigSis

All this writing out and reading and typing some more has helped. It is coming up on 2 a.m. here... I am going to bed.


But please know your responses are voices in my head and I can take THOSE to bed with me and tell MY committe to shut the heck up!!


(grin)



I really love you guys - thank you.

ctrom40

Big Sis,

Good Morning!

Today is a brand new day and we have been given another opportunity to enjoy another day.
Thank you God. Tomorrow is behind you... learn from it, don't dwell on it.

I am sorry for the "drama" that you experienced yesterday. I agree it was the mama bear that got into you. In spite of what we know, she comes out - when she comes out.
and when she comes out, watch out!!!

Today, concentrate on you and Mr Big.... you two are the only two that matter, at least for today... You are very lucky that you have each other, so dwell on your love for each other today.

Gentle Hugs,
Colleen

Just how many people do you let sleep in that bed with you at night???

:ghug2

lil516

Awwww Big Sis

I am so sorry all this is going on...

Please don't be too hard on yourself.... progress not perfection

today is a new day....I hope you can take a deep breath and change what you can (make amends if necessary) and accept what is for now

as always....babies are a priority and I know grandma will do what is needed to keep the babies safe while letting mama and papa continue life's lessons

on another note,
Boy could I relate about the successful "accountant" hoping to put his assests into a profitable retirement account!!
I find myself envying those types too....
me?...I am hoping to make it to retirement with a shred of sanity still intact!!

(((hugs)))

cece1960

((((((((((((((((Sis)))))))))))))))))))

Lack of sleep can have profound effects on our actions and reactions.
Give yourself a break...but I agree, this isn't a place you want to find yourself again next week, month or even year.

I think your experience is a perfect example of what the hurdles are in this process. At least for me, I often find myself torn between what "I" need to do for my own peace of mind, or even sanity, and what often "needs" to be done.

Sometimes a soft word just doesn't land, and sometimes stopping the enabling affects little innocent ones. And often we just can't stop ourselves from jumping up a DEMANDING that someone pay attention to whats right.

And sometimes we ourselves can't get past "our" right.

Whew...this ain't an easy path. But I can tell you that I'm following you, always have been, because you are an inspiration that "I" can get there too.

But how about just for today, we rest?

PacNorwesterner

I'm so sorry that you didn't have a "Fabulous Friday".

I am praying that, after a good nights' sleep you will have a "Serene Saturday and Sunday".

Hugs and prayers.

mooselips

((((Sis)))
Personally...I think you had the best of intentions, even if YOU went arky barky...

And NO WHERE in the Codie handbook can I find a page that says the Codie will NEVER, EVER have any feelings, or emotions. Nope...can't find it, anywhere. (thank Goodness)


I'm thinking it just shows that you are human, like all the rest of us.

In the last couple of days, I too, probably crossed over, by not not MYOB...kind of thing..but it's okay, I'm better today...I'm growing BigSis, and so are you...

I have plenty of gratitude for walking the same road you're on.


Hugs,

greeteachday

((((((BigSis))))))
I think you would have to be given sainthood if you could walk around with an aura of peace and glad tidings while financial pressures, lack of sleep (which is huge...it can totally change your entire physical and mental balance) addict behavior, immaturity, and most of all fear for innocent babies is all going on at once.

For me, in your shoes, this would be one of those bumps in life where the only thing I might be able to handle is to just breathe. That has gotten me through many a day.

I'm so glad you have so much support and love in your life...both here (because we really do love you!!) and in the noncyber world. My prayer at this moment is that you a blissfully sleeping right now and that you will be at least until noon your time. That physical healing would be a good first step to emotional healing too.

HP has you all...you, hubbie, daughter, sil and those precious babies. I hope you can be very very kind and gentle to yourself this weekend, spend some needed time where no kids or grandkids are mentioned and let hP drive for a bit. Hugs and prayers.


oh and that accountant....never met one who didn't have other issues...They just put on a good show for the world, while things fall apart inside. No one is exempt from pain; we are the lucky ones who understand how HP works with us to get through the pain and grow.

bookmiser

((((((((((((BigSis))))))))))))))


No words. Just compassion and prayers for strength.

marle

Sending my prayers also. I have been there, screaming at my daughter and her abf about his and her drug use. Not only were his kids there, but their friends as well. Kids that I see in school everyday. It did not change a thing for my daughter, except to make her dig her heels in a little harder, and I felt about a foot tall. Things will work out. Your daughter may complain about her husband but he is still the man that she chose. She is just defending him right now because she is not ready to see the truth. Give her time and continue to love her but maybe from a distance. Protect your grandbabies because they are innocent in this. And take care of you. (That includes forgiving yourself for being human) Hugs, Marle

caileesnana

I think we are entitled to a bad day here and there, especially w/ what we have been through with our kids and life in general. We aren't perfect, but we admit that and try to do better.

I would have done the same thing, right or wrong. Those babies can't take care of theirself.

Love
susan

Hangin' In

(((((SIS)))))))

I'm convinced that no matter how long in the program, we are all subject to relapse, and just like the alcoholic/addict, it's part of the process of recovery. I know you know all this, and you know I know it because of my relapses lately. And I can't believe I just said that to you, BIG SIS, cause you are so far ahead of me in recovery it isn't funny. I'm not qualified to tell YOU anything about recovery, but I guess I just did, huh?

You spoke of the "ism's". Funny, I just spoke with my sponsor about that yesterday. And as much as I like to look at my AD and HER ism's, I think my sponsor was hinting that I, too, might have a bit of a problem with MY ism's. Ism = I, self, and me. I, like you, can freak when I see things not going how I want them to go. Ism = INSIDE MESS. That's where I was this past week when AD told me of choices that I just KNOW aren't good for her(because I know everything that's right for her, don't ya know?)

I don't know about you, Sis, but fear is such a big part of what causes me to relapse. I know you can look at those precious babies and fear the danger your AD and SIL put them in. Hopes were up that AD was seeing the light about the SIL only to have those hopes dashed combined with her driving after drinking with the babies in the car. I know I just look at myself sometimes and see so much fear in me, and this is after 5 years in recovery.

That's when I consult my recovery folks here, call my sponsor or another recovery friend, praying I can get some proper perspective. My view can get so screwed up when that fear creeps in. I know when fear is driving me the trust in my HP has gone out the window.

Don't beat yourself up, Sis. Your a mom who loves her daughter and grandkids and you want the best for them. Life got the best of you for a little bit. Good news is you realize it and you know what to do to get back on board with your recovery.

I hope you're resting now, catching up on some of that sleep. And remember what Ann always says: "What's the difference between a good day and a bad day? About two days."

Man, I wish we lived close to each other. I'd come pick you up and we'd find ourselves a meeting tonight. And we'd laugh and thank God for recovery and recovery friends.

Prayers for you and your kids, Sis. I HAVE to trust our HP, I just have to.

Love you,
Hangin' In
P.S. Maybe you can identify with this. Talked with my sis in law the other night. Nephew is getting married in May. After I told her of all the serious problems going on in my life right now, she said, "Gosh, my biggest problem right now is to get Jessica (future daughter in law) to register for her wedding gifts at so 'n' so store." Seems Jessica doesn't really want to register for gifts that would come from that particular store. I told my sis in law, who I love dearly, that I felt like choking her.

CatsPajamas

Sis,
I wish I was closer. I'd meet you at a Starbucks and we'd have one of those fall back and regroup kind of meetings.

Those of us with some recovery time under our belts seem to think we are not supposed to have slips. Well, I'm here to tell you it happens. I know because its happened to me too. I think I am doing so well and then something comes out of left field and clobbers me. FEAR rears its ugly head. (and you and I know all of the various things that F.E.A.R. can mean) I have learned I am especially vulnerable when I am tired, or facing a lot of things at once.

When this happens to me, I feel like I have been climbing up a hill, slowly and steadily, making progress. When I fall, it feels like I am tumbling *ss over end to the bottom, and there I lie in a heap,with my pants ripped and grass in my hair.

BUT when I look up, I see you and other recovery friends. You help me up, brush me off, and then you take my hand so we can start the walk again together.

Here's my hand. Let's start walking again.

Hugs and love
Cats

cmc

Well Sis....I'm hoping you have got some rest since going through all that. I know how exhausting it can become.
I can't add much to all the wisdom and ESH here... You know that I've reacted to things like that when I just 'thought' they were happening.
I know you will find your bearings in all this and just remember that there is one more person here on your side and caring for you while all this craziness is going on around you.
I'm praying for you and your family- expecially for your daughter and the grandkids. (okay...for SIL too)
huge hugs,
cmc

BigSis

Today is better. Great meeting with my sponsor and sponsee-sisters. Lots of love.


And a little sleep.


And you guys.


It goes a loooonnnnnggggggg way toward restoring me to sanity. Makes me think a Higher Power is involved, ya know?






Love you all....

Hangin' In

((((((((((( Big Sis ))))))))))))))))

Yeah, I know...I know. Thank God for meetings and this board and folks like you.:ghug

It's a new day, Sis. And it's my job, our job, to suit up and show up. And I pray I don't forget my tools as I walk out the door!

You have a great day.

Love ya,
Hangin' In