Up and down in recovery...
Had such an awesome meeting last night. My regular Thursday night Alanon - the one that saved my life when daughter was still using meth. We've had an influx recently of "my" kind of alcoholic... the alanonic alcoholic, of which I am one.
Lots of guys and gals coming in with sponsors who don't have a clue about boundaries. Lots of wonderful recovery and new faces and gratitude.
I was so filled with love, I was nearly ready to burst.
Then today, I relapsed... entirely. sigh.
Daughter drank... drove with the baby, reconciled with her violent, non-working (ever), non-thinking, self-involved husband. She lied (of course) to me and then was a no show to get the car fixed. I had one of her babies, so I was unable to get MY stuff done today.
So I got the car, took it to the shop, dropped off the other baby and did my errands....all day. (I've not slept for more than 4 hours a night for nearly a week... it was starting to take its toll).
When I returned, Mr. Big was not happy about the situation as daughter had moved into our home two weeks ago saying she was "done, done, done" with husband and his violence and his selfish ways. Then this.
But we didn't want to leave them stranded with 2 kids and no car... so we thought we would drop it off.
What we got was a face full of addict behavior and Mr. Big took the car and left them at their trailer.
Me? Big Sis with all her Big Recovery? What did *I* do?
I got up in the son-in-law's face and ripped him a new one. I scared my grandchildren, further alienated my daughter, embarrassed myself and made the situation worse.
I did not use my tools. I did not call my sponsor. I did not "THINK" before acting. I did not!!!! I yelled and belittled a man who had nothing. No education. No skills. No abilities. No caring family. No self-esteem. Nothing. But I used all MY big self to wipe the floor with him. Then they demanded I leave... sigh.
So... there they sit. Three months behind on rent. NO one is working. Two babies. Electricity might get turned off any day (late notice came weeks ago) and landlord was looking for money two weeks ago herself. Son in law got half the world looking to beat him up for assaulting one of daughter's girlfriends a week ago. The door on the trailer is broken, so they shove a heavey chair in front of it to keep it closed - Lord keep them from having a fire, please.
And that is what it looks like for me. Days that are so wonderful, so filled with the love of others in the program... so much gratitude for what I have.
Followed almost immediately by days that I hate who I am, how I look, what I say, how I walk, what I wear, and pity anyone who begins to give me credit for ANYthing.
That is MY disease. That is how the "ism" works in MY life.
But I have this place. I have my sponsor. I have my meeting on Sunday. I have a husband who loves me... really, even if he didn't like me too much tonight. And I have a faith in my Higher Power... that I needed, desperately to learn this lesson.
And I have the ASSURANCE based on past experience that this will not turn out as BAD as I think. That this will have a reason and a place in my recovery.
But sometimes, I look at the accountant with the two kids in college who's biggest worry is whether he will be able to travel in his retirement, and think...what the hell. Did I REALLY sign up for this?
yeah.
probably.
Love you guys,
Big Sis