I can't believe how contagious it is...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ca
Posts: 103
Selah - there is so much insight in the posts above. I don't have much to add except to tell you that I feel you, I really do. I am just starting to live without the fear...the fear that my husband will be dead in the gutter, the fear that I will be that single old lady with 100 cats, the fear that I won't be able to make it on my own. As I start shedding my fear and replacing it piece by piece with serenity, courage, and wisdom, I have to tell you that I am getting myself back and it feels GREAT. Acknowledgement and acceptance is half the battle, in my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Selah, I hope you listen to Newcomer's words and also feel her voice in them. Can you hear how happy and young she sounds? Truly, it is really nice to have command back of your life and your singleness sometimes. Newcomer is reminding you of that "old you" that is still in you and wants to be back.
It's nice that you girls are talking to each other and finding some "mojo" feelings coming back. It is okay to remind yourselves that you are sweet, kind young women and deserve to be treated so. Sometimes YOU have to be the ONE who takes charge of how you will allow yourself to be treated. It makes it easier to say wait-a-minute, when did I EVER start allowing someone to treat me so badly!? When you start taking care of YOU, it is very empowering, not because it's wrong or because you are not focusing on someone else, but because it is totally RIGHT to take charge of your own care. You know it in your gut because it feels really good.
I think life is supposed to be really good most days, with just an occasional down day here and there. Maybe you can just look at yourself in the mirror each day, have a little talk with that cutie, and tell her she really doesn't have to live like this anymore. I am a mother of a young lady, and I remind her how wonderful she is and how she deserves to be treated well. Her motto is "I'm the PRIZE" and mine is "Nobody puts baby in the corner (Dirty Dancing?)" We have really girly conversations about being happy in our own skin, and okay with or without a man in our lives first. My belief is if the right guy comes along, he will only be icing on the cake of what your life already is.
It's nice that you girls are talking to each other and finding some "mojo" feelings coming back. It is okay to remind yourselves that you are sweet, kind young women and deserve to be treated so. Sometimes YOU have to be the ONE who takes charge of how you will allow yourself to be treated. It makes it easier to say wait-a-minute, when did I EVER start allowing someone to treat me so badly!? When you start taking care of YOU, it is very empowering, not because it's wrong or because you are not focusing on someone else, but because it is totally RIGHT to take charge of your own care. You know it in your gut because it feels really good.
I think life is supposed to be really good most days, with just an occasional down day here and there. Maybe you can just look at yourself in the mirror each day, have a little talk with that cutie, and tell her she really doesn't have to live like this anymore. I am a mother of a young lady, and I remind her how wonderful she is and how she deserves to be treated well. Her motto is "I'm the PRIZE" and mine is "Nobody puts baby in the corner (Dirty Dancing?)" We have really girly conversations about being happy in our own skin, and okay with or without a man in our lives first. My belief is if the right guy comes along, he will only be icing on the cake of what your life already is.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 82
PeaceTeach -
Thank you for your reflection on my post... I think sometimes I forget that I AM young... I've been made to feel so much older than I should have. Going out with my girlfriends again has reminded me of how much FUN I used to have - and I never used to feel guilty about that... You're right, I question a million times a day how I EVER let myself get into that situation. But I did. And now I'm done. Maybe I needed the experience to be able to appreciate how powerful just a simple "night with the girls" can be.
Selah - I hope you reach the point I did. I hope the same circumstances don't have to unfold for you to get there, but I hope you find the strength to make that call. To call family or friends who you know will support you. I felt so secluded from my old life while I was with my ex. I had distanced most of my girlfriends and family. But within an hour of calling my family and a few friends, I had 5 people at my house loading all of my belongings into boxes and bags and bringing back home. I realized that the whole time that I was sitting home, crying alone, I had so many people there at the drop of a hat. No, they don't all understand. And, yes, it is hard to hear them tell me that he's an a$$ and the other choice words they have developed for him... Because I do love him and want the best for him. And he was sweet and loving... But he also was an addict. He stole from me, he manipulated me, he used me.... And no matter how much I love him, I can't live that way.
I haven't been home long, but I was so surprised how quickly my old life came back to me. How much I still enjoy just going out to dinner with a few friends. And, for the couple of hours I'm out with friends I haven't been close to for so long, I feel like me again. Then I come home and have to deal with everything else. But I can't help but feeling that those periods of feeling like me again will keep getting longer and longer - until eventually maybe it will stick around....
Thank you for your reflection on my post... I think sometimes I forget that I AM young... I've been made to feel so much older than I should have. Going out with my girlfriends again has reminded me of how much FUN I used to have - and I never used to feel guilty about that... You're right, I question a million times a day how I EVER let myself get into that situation. But I did. And now I'm done. Maybe I needed the experience to be able to appreciate how powerful just a simple "night with the girls" can be.
Selah - I hope you reach the point I did. I hope the same circumstances don't have to unfold for you to get there, but I hope you find the strength to make that call. To call family or friends who you know will support you. I felt so secluded from my old life while I was with my ex. I had distanced most of my girlfriends and family. But within an hour of calling my family and a few friends, I had 5 people at my house loading all of my belongings into boxes and bags and bringing back home. I realized that the whole time that I was sitting home, crying alone, I had so many people there at the drop of a hat. No, they don't all understand. And, yes, it is hard to hear them tell me that he's an a$$ and the other choice words they have developed for him... Because I do love him and want the best for him. And he was sweet and loving... But he also was an addict. He stole from me, he manipulated me, he used me.... And no matter how much I love him, I can't live that way.
I haven't been home long, but I was so surprised how quickly my old life came back to me. How much I still enjoy just going out to dinner with a few friends. And, for the couple of hours I'm out with friends I haven't been close to for so long, I feel like me again. Then I come home and have to deal with everything else. But I can't help but feeling that those periods of feeling like me again will keep getting longer and longer - until eventually maybe it will stick around....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
It is so wonderful reading these posts. For so long I felt alone. I felt like I was the only one who was obsessing over an AH and looking through things, staying away from friends, not inviting people over, being embarrassed when he was high. I made excuses for him when he was down. I know what it is like to feel almost like I wish he'd use because he was so cranky when he stopped. It all sneaks up on you. One day, he has a "little" problem. The next, you are driving yourself crazy. I really wondered if I was losing my mind. I didn't realize how much his ups and downs were affecting me. Listen to everyone here, they are really smart. One thing that has worked for me in the past, is keeping a journal. I've had some really bad breakups, and that helped. At first you feel like it is the end of the world, but eventually, slowly things get better. On the advice of people here, I also bought Beattie's book "Beyond Codependency." Keep reading here. It's a lifesaver.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: KY
Posts: 13
Selah - well first off, good job for getting on the internet and looking for help. I think that this alone shows that you took a first step to take care of yourself. I am new here, and I already know that SR is a great place to find knowing guidance and kindness.
Many people here will see part of themselves in your story, and it will give them the strength to move forward in their own recovery.
I echo the advise by many of the other posters, that it is often best to focus on your own recovery. I too did things like searching the house for drugs, and trying to control my AH. Just remember, you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it (or him), and you can't cure it. This is much of the basis for Al-anon stance on learning to manage your own life....take the focus off the alcoholic/addict and put it on yourself. One thing that struck me about the Al-anon program was the thought that you don't have to let another's ups and downs control your own emotions. I found this idea to be ridiculous and impossible at first. I am a very emotional type who tends to have no shortage of tears depending on the day. The idea of loving detachment, ie loving the addict/alcoholic but detaching yourself from them such that their own ups and downs with a disease doesn't destroy your own life seemed so impossible at first. And trust me, I still have so far to go and so much to learn....but I am now starting to learn how to do this. My husband is gone to rehab right now and this has really given me the chance to start to embrace this new idea.
Also, I've never been a really religious person, but I am starting to pray more. I'm not sure if I know how to do it, I'm not sure what god I believe in, but I know that it seems to help me when I am open to it.
Had your ah ever been to an na or aa meeting? It is important to know that you can't push the issue, you can't make him go or want to recover but you can help him if he wants help. I have even been to many open aa meetings with my ah, and I find this offers me a great deal of comfort. It helps me to educate myself about his disease.
Finally, from what I know, I believe true sobriety mean total sobriety. Someone may have a certain drug of choice, but many will switch addictions if given the opportunity. Most of the substances of abuse all work through the same brain chemistry pathways, stimulating certain parts and over riding certain parts like the frontal cortex that control logical thinking! Chemically and physiologically, the addict is sick sick. Their brain chemistry is different from the non-addict. That is my most experts believe complete sobriety is the only way.
It is no one else's call but your own when enough is enough. Just remember that there are resources to support you if you chose to stay with your ah or not. It is all about finding your own road, and we are here to offer you comfort and advise as our paths may have been similar.
Hope this wasn't too much....I just related to your story so much and I so appreciate all of the posts that others have made so far.
Thanks for sharing!!
Many people here will see part of themselves in your story, and it will give them the strength to move forward in their own recovery.
I echo the advise by many of the other posters, that it is often best to focus on your own recovery. I too did things like searching the house for drugs, and trying to control my AH. Just remember, you didn't cause his addiction, you can't control it (or him), and you can't cure it. This is much of the basis for Al-anon stance on learning to manage your own life....take the focus off the alcoholic/addict and put it on yourself. One thing that struck me about the Al-anon program was the thought that you don't have to let another's ups and downs control your own emotions. I found this idea to be ridiculous and impossible at first. I am a very emotional type who tends to have no shortage of tears depending on the day. The idea of loving detachment, ie loving the addict/alcoholic but detaching yourself from them such that their own ups and downs with a disease doesn't destroy your own life seemed so impossible at first. And trust me, I still have so far to go and so much to learn....but I am now starting to learn how to do this. My husband is gone to rehab right now and this has really given me the chance to start to embrace this new idea.
Also, I've never been a really religious person, but I am starting to pray more. I'm not sure if I know how to do it, I'm not sure what god I believe in, but I know that it seems to help me when I am open to it.
Had your ah ever been to an na or aa meeting? It is important to know that you can't push the issue, you can't make him go or want to recover but you can help him if he wants help. I have even been to many open aa meetings with my ah, and I find this offers me a great deal of comfort. It helps me to educate myself about his disease.
Finally, from what I know, I believe true sobriety mean total sobriety. Someone may have a certain drug of choice, but many will switch addictions if given the opportunity. Most of the substances of abuse all work through the same brain chemistry pathways, stimulating certain parts and over riding certain parts like the frontal cortex that control logical thinking! Chemically and physiologically, the addict is sick sick. Their brain chemistry is different from the non-addict. That is my most experts believe complete sobriety is the only way.
It is no one else's call but your own when enough is enough. Just remember that there are resources to support you if you chose to stay with your ah or not. It is all about finding your own road, and we are here to offer you comfort and advise as our paths may have been similar.
Hope this wasn't too much....I just related to your story so much and I so appreciate all of the posts that others have made so far.
Thanks for sharing!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
Thank you all so much. even today I felt much better until just now and we got into it...it's interesting how being this codependant you realize how much you give, and then neglect yourself and how little you get in return and although it was mine to give I am very angry, very bitter with him. He still does not understand that when I walk in the door and I smell pot or I look at his eyes swollen, and his talking iss funny or he falls asleep for hours on end, that I am afraid he is dead...that when I wash his clothes and see blood...I know how sick he has become at times. He has no idea how hard that is to view over and over and over. We just moved and have a 3rd roomate to cover rent, I could cover our portion myself..but taking that on knowing how devastated I will be, I'm just not sure I can do it...
I have been threw insane things when he was high, the things he has said about me to others, the other girls on his myspace....do you know the very first time I refused to see him when he was high he met another girl on myspace ( he's a muscian so they throw themselves at him like candy)(its so annoying :P) and spent time with her...he was all high complaining about me..she ended up using it to her advantage and kissed him. I am certain that's all that happened, this was one of the worst relapses I've seen him go through, and the fact that I had found out, and the embarassement he had for being part of it sent him even deeper. This girl first harassed me, then he gave her my email convincing her write me an email explaining nothing happened...ever, then actually invited her to a show WHERE I WAS ! this happened another time, with another girl - invited her to a show that his family, my family, and I were at...this girl and I eventually had arguement over email, I plead my case...begged her to leave him alone, he was sick, he was trying to leave for rehab, I was just trying to help, she didn't care, she wanted to take me out and she did. I didn't sleep for days, I was crying, he was sick and throwing up. I explained everything to her thinking she was like most people and had a heart. She didnt, during our arguement, she continued to call his phone, and in an open forum like this I listed her phone number. Apparently that's against the law, she sued me. Off to rehab he went, home I stayed, and off to court all alone to pay all the fees & fines. She had emails to her -- where he lied about the status of the r/ship, he claimed to be sober and not really like to party and that he was leaving me and I wouldn't give him up...how terribly helpless I felt. Already drained, I had never been so depressed. Only to rcve an email from girl #1 explaining what had truley happened b/w them, he did see her while high. So high he drove up on her parents curb, and then as he was coming down he sincerely apologized to her and explained he had made a terrible mistake. His rehab counselor said about me " that i need to learn to get over things, let go of the past, learn to supportive of him"
I mention all of this not to focus on him, but to put it out there, admit all that I've become, been part of, and allowed myself to do. I am so humiliated and ashamed.
It's like you go through so much, until you are at your lowest and then you're expected to make the toughest decisions, give up the love your life and accept that someone you love could do this to you.
I have been threw insane things when he was high, the things he has said about me to others, the other girls on his myspace....do you know the very first time I refused to see him when he was high he met another girl on myspace ( he's a muscian so they throw themselves at him like candy)(its so annoying :P) and spent time with her...he was all high complaining about me..she ended up using it to her advantage and kissed him. I am certain that's all that happened, this was one of the worst relapses I've seen him go through, and the fact that I had found out, and the embarassement he had for being part of it sent him even deeper. This girl first harassed me, then he gave her my email convincing her write me an email explaining nothing happened...ever, then actually invited her to a show WHERE I WAS ! this happened another time, with another girl - invited her to a show that his family, my family, and I were at...this girl and I eventually had arguement over email, I plead my case...begged her to leave him alone, he was sick, he was trying to leave for rehab, I was just trying to help, she didn't care, she wanted to take me out and she did. I didn't sleep for days, I was crying, he was sick and throwing up. I explained everything to her thinking she was like most people and had a heart. She didnt, during our arguement, she continued to call his phone, and in an open forum like this I listed her phone number. Apparently that's against the law, she sued me. Off to rehab he went, home I stayed, and off to court all alone to pay all the fees & fines. She had emails to her -- where he lied about the status of the r/ship, he claimed to be sober and not really like to party and that he was leaving me and I wouldn't give him up...how terribly helpless I felt. Already drained, I had never been so depressed. Only to rcve an email from girl #1 explaining what had truley happened b/w them, he did see her while high. So high he drove up on her parents curb, and then as he was coming down he sincerely apologized to her and explained he had made a terrible mistake. His rehab counselor said about me " that i need to learn to get over things, let go of the past, learn to supportive of him"
I mention all of this not to focus on him, but to put it out there, admit all that I've become, been part of, and allowed myself to do. I am so humiliated and ashamed.
It's like you go through so much, until you are at your lowest and then you're expected to make the toughest decisions, give up the love your life and accept that someone you love could do this to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
project down the road..ha you can tell I'm a worrier, eh? thanks anvil, I really appreciate your tough love insight. It's what my mom would say if I wasn't so embarassed to tell her what I've gotten myself into 
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 2,859
Here is a question for you to think about. Take the drugs out of the picture. Pretend he isnt an addict YET he did all the things you explained above would u still be around? I mean if he was clean and just a jerk would u still be with him. Sure drugs do funny things to people BUT we sometimes make it ok in our head cause he was f-d up at that time. Well when isnt he? Personally I wouldnt tolerate a man cheating YES kissing in my book is cheating or hanging around another woman. What has he done that you dont know about? Once a rat always a rat. Just cause he was high doesnt give him the excuse to do the things he has done.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
