I can't believe how contagious it is...
 

Sure, I probably had some issue before falling in love with an addict. But who doesnt. Sorry I have a feeling this is gonna be long, I'm about to lose it.
I don't trust myself, I wonder why I dont leave, I wonder why I've threatened to leave and never follow through. I feel like I am so weak in spirit that if I left I would be worse off than him!

I think I was naive in thinking addicts couldn't function in society. Maybe not well, but often times they keep going, they go to work, they shop, they go out on the weekends. And so I feel like no one gets it. I think he is my best friend, because when he is clean he's irreplaceable. I've dated many, and they can't touch my abf. Every night he kisses me and says I love you, I love you so much. Every morning he says I'm beautiful. But outside of these events he is forgetful, and lies, and hides things and is sneaky and never lets his cell phone out of his sight. And I feel awful for my perception of him changing, it a terrible feeling to become disgusted by someone.
And now I am disgusted with myself. I still check his things, I can only go a couple weeks without doing it. I feel overwhelmed with finding the hidden drugs "b/c they won't be in my house!" I have started to distrust EVERYTHING he says...in life, about people, no matter what the topic.
And here the catcher...he was highly addicted to pills & coke. He went to rehab, relapsed within a week, then was clean for 4 months, then relapsed on vicodin again for about two weeks, then clean again for 6...however...in his mind he smokes pot ALOT & drinks socially(sometimes gets hammered) b/c it keeps him off the "worse" stuff. I disagree, he needs to be clean of everything all the time to even consider having a decent life.
I feel selfish b/c most of the time I want to know what hes on and I go searching through his things b/c I don't want to be embarassed, I dont want to have to explain on his behalf, I dont want to have my going out time ruined AGAIN. I feel selfish.
But I don't leave.
I can sit here and tell you how kind he is, and how adorable he is, and his smile lights up a room and he's very sweet and loving...but he has zero ability to handle his emotions and I know this.
he has never followed through with the promises of couseling, couples counseling, promised to help pay legal fees, weekly drug tests, quitting pot, etc.
I HAVE - and I know I was the only one in control of this - but I got in severe legal trouble over him, I have lost money, and one weekend when I wouldn't see him because how far gone he really was - some girl kissed him & I have become an emotional mess. What is wrong with me?

I have read melody beattie, and It does help - i do get through days...
I just can't rationalize life's hard times to be so hard that you give up on love. If I left and something did happen to him, or if I left and he found someone else that wanted him. I would feel weak, like I wasn't strong enough to support him through his tough times. Why would I go through all this, Why? Maybe I should be posting in the mental health section :(
:praying

I don't believe I am romanticizing him. He is truley that way b/c he has these time periods of sobriety and then relapses and I am devastated b/c things are so great when he is clean. He does not steal from me or anyone, I lent him money before I realized the addiction, he has just yet to pay me back, which is definitley wrong b/c it was barely less than a year now and should've been done. He doesn't get angry or mean when he's high. My complaints come in the form of knowing I can't form a life with someone who has so many ups & downs... it's just hard to go day to day with someone who is so often "out of it" I am stunned with fear I suppose. Fear and angry that the guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with turned out to be addicted to his anxiety medication. It just really sucks.

when you have had enough you will know. an addict lies & does all the bad things because his love is the drug. he loves you but his focus is on the drug & how & where he will get more. it is always about more. i am glad you have read the book. it helped me alot. what also helps me with my addict son is reading the post here & meetings. they help me keep focused on my self because as much as i love my son there is nothing i can do for him. it hurts & i am sorry you are in so much pain. you are in the right place to get some help for you. keep posting & keep reading. we r here for you. prayers,

I have to completely agree with anvil. you are caught up in the fairytale part of your relationship. try to put more focus on you and your life.!! I was head over heels inl ove for 8 years to my guy! He was everything I dreamed about, ...then he he f*^%ed it all up and became an addict. i was scared, angry, couldn't understand why our love was not enough for him. this board has been a life saver for me, I have learned so much, how to be strong, focus on myself, but it all takes time. you will know when you have had enough. It doesn't sound like he is eady to want to quit, so you have to decide what you want. You don't have to decide today, just keep focusing on you and what you can do. hope this helps!

it's hard not to focus on what you guys are calling the "fairytale" except aren't you supposed to focus on the positive? in any r/ship? I would call it a fairytale or romanticizing, but it's not made up -- he is kind and good...but you are right I am caught up in how he affects me. or how i let myself be affected by him.

your right I am defensive, maybe i dont want to be filled with more anger, I dont want to face how dumb i must be to accept an addict in my life, and to give up so much, and even now as he texts me about how he feels suicidal and just can't handle it anymore. I don't want to walk away from anyone who needs help.

you can call it what you will, but he has made significant strides... he has given up a lot and gone to rehab, and cleaned up from benzos to pot. Ask an addict what that's like..I guess I have false hope that he will be clean, all the way, one day.

I appreciate your honesty, I really do.

My daughter is my addict. She tells me that she and her abf spend 23 hours a day trying to find the money to buy the drugs, then trying to find someone to score from, and then getting high. Doesn't leave much time for love or a life outside of addiction. Addiction is progressive. Your boyfriend may have periods of clean time now, but that could change the next time he uses. Take care of you. You are the only person who has any responsibility for your life and how you choose to live it. Same for him. Hugs, Marle

and you don't think that's significant? benzos, pain killers & coke..down to pot? going to work consistently for months? beginning & learning to tell the truth?

I'm asking honestly by the way...not much in the mood for an argument.

Hi and welcome. I understand what your saying. When they are clean and they are the most wonderful people in the world. You believe what they say. In My humble opinion as an addict I hated myself, I couldnt believe that a DRUG could control me I would cry, tell lies, lie to myself. I really truly did hate who I was. I hated waking up to drugs going to bed to drugs. They controled me.

I went through detox at home from vicoden. I suffered I didnt sleep for days I trudged along. Then after awhile I thought that I could go back to using JUST not as I did before. Nope didnt work right back to where I was.

My first bf was a crack and pot addict. Do I doubt that he loved me NO I know he loved me, But did I think I could change him YES I did. Cause to me love can do anything. I loved, I LOANED money, I lied for him, I did everything I could to love him sober. Well if love were that easy. I thought hey hes ONLY smoking pot its better than crack or coke which was his DOC. Or hes going out with sober friends he will be fine if he drinks. Guess what drinking ALWAYS let to his DOC. Whether I was there or not.

He would never disrespect me like that cause I LOVE him and he loves me. Love him sober. NOPE he still used whether I was there or not. Sure its ONLY pot right now. Do u smoke pot? Do u like he does it? Is he really willing to stop cause u dont like it? I like smoking pot we agreeded to stop together. I stopped he didnt. He liked the high and I wasnt going to control him. Ok I will stay with u cause its not coke or crack......... Soon I hated the pot almost as much as I hated him. 10yrs later he still gets high. I'm sure from his 24" waiste he still smokes crack.

I had walk away. I couldnt love him clean and pot was unacceptable to me time to move on. I learned alot, I lived alot, I loved him alot. Yet couldnt love him sober......

One more thing. How is he towards u when he isnt high? As my exbf progressed if he wasnt high we was miserable, cranky, mean, irritable. made me walk on egg shells. I finally got to the point where I was happy when he was high. WOW. Walking away wasnt easy it was hard. The next lady thought she could love him clean too. I thought maybe she did until I ran into him at a bar and busted him smoking a crack pipe while she was in the bar. Nope she couldnt love him clean either. Relapse happens hell I have relapsed tons on times. Can u handle that? When your with an addict, someone who lies and will pull the wool over your eyes hard to trust and not be a detective.

I put sherlock holmes to shame. It did nothing but hurt my feelings Didnt stop him though. Snooping doesnt hurt him it hurts u cause every time u find something you realize that he lies to you, he cares more about his drugs and maintaning that lifestyle and getting what they want.

I wish you luck you will know when u have had enough. It was AMAZING my next relationship and almost hard to believe that I didnt have to snoop I didnt have to question him. He was a straight sober person who I had to trust caues there was no lying, no borrowing "til" next payday you know the one that never comes. Wierd but it happens and there is freedom and happiness out there.

KJ - when he's not high, when he comes down he mostly sleeps, so yea he can be cranky but he's sick and yes...maybe I am in the process you were. I am fearful that next relationship won't come and i thougt when you found the one...you found the one. You know the kind when you start dating, your friends & family talk about how they've never seen you this happy.
I did think it was going to be so much better even if only pot, and not I hate pot as much as I ever did any pill. And I am resenting him...and I am asking questions and snooping and begging for change, I think it only makes him worse b/c it's just more pressure when he can barely handle the stress of a job.
I almost wish I never saw him as sober as I have...so I COULD focus on the bad, and leave it all behind. I am at a point where I need to move on. But I am a sucker and he cleans up and I give in everytime I have tried to leave. And then I feel worse about myself again b/c I didn't stick to my guns. It is a disgusting cycle.And smoking pot in my house - (his as well) is not acceptable and I keep repeating it and the craphead that he is just dismisses it b/c he needs it to get through the day.
anvilhead - you're right I am very confused right now and a total contradiction. I want to validate why I love him, why I haven't given up, I want to know this wasn't all for nothing. And at other times I absolutely despise him and I cannot believe I would associate with such a careless, deceitful liar. But I know he's trying. I'm just not sure I can stick it out...because I am hating myself as much as he hates himself. Very unhealthy... hence todays visit.

Someday you will realize there is more out there. Someone that u deserve to be with. Its SO hard to walk away too. When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of leaving u will know its time to move on. Please this was the man I was going to marry, have kids with, be with forever. NOTHING could tear us apart. WOW sounds funny to even type that when hindsite is 20/20. I see where he is and where I am now in my life. I was single for a long time thinking I was going to be the woman with 100 cats in a rocking chair. Guess what that still sounded better than sleeping with my purse and the mood swings. You wont be single forever if u choose to leave him, and if you are its a much better life. You learn alot about yourself and what is acceptable and what u will put up with. Plus your better armed for your next relationship and u know u can live without someone.

thank you so much....that really hit home. it's hard to get out of the 'fear' cloud of losing someone you spend every minute worrying about ya know...
I used to love being single...I gotta get me back.

ha ha I'm really cute ya know..lol just kiddin...

You know what once u end the relationship u have a whole new arsonal (sp) of questions for potential bf/gfs that u thought u would never have to ask. That way u can RUN b4 u fall in love again. I never thought in a million years I would ask on a date "so u do drugs?" at that point they dont know what to expect they either think u do so if they do they tell u and if they dont like them they tell u that too. Funny how life works. learn the hard way but u still learn. Such is life. Once the heartache was over I loved being single, I loved hangin out with friends, doing what "I" want let me repeat that what "I" want to do!!!! Life is good!!!