Trying to Let Go
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 35
Trying to Let Go
I have been trying to keep AH that I am separated from at arms length so to speak so that he can get on with his recovery and find his own way without me getting involved and telling him what I think he should do. So he keeps asking me if I am going home to him (I am living in a different country) for our little girls first birthday. I keep saying no and that it is too soon, he needs to focus on himself etc. So he says every other day that if I dont go back it is over and divorce etc... So I wrote him a big email today and just told him what my expectations are and also told him that I hadnt wanted to spell things out as I had hoped he would find his own way. Basically it was that I would not return to him until he had been in a recovery program and had shown changes in behavior. Obviously ultimatums and threats of divorce are hardly going to make me jump on the next plane... He texts me and wants me to call and it has to happen right away or he is texting me asking why I am ignoring him. It is exhausting and I generally dont want to talk to him. So apparently he is off to the lawyer tomorrow to get divorce papers organized. I just hope that I am handling things right. I am trying to do the best thing for my baby and myself.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sounds to me like you are doing everything right, Jen. He's trying to manipulate you into doing something that could put you and your child in jeopardy. Sadly, it's still all about "him".
Might be a good idea to get your own lawyer though, so that his lawyer cannot continue to bully where he left off. Know your rights, that's half the battle won.
Prayers for you and your daughter. She's lucky to have a mother like you.
Hugs
Might be a good idea to get your own lawyer though, so that his lawyer cannot continue to bully where he left off. Know your rights, that's half the battle won.
Prayers for you and your daughter. She's lucky to have a mother like you.
Hugs
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
I'm sure you didn't get to where you are in the relationship with him over night .. No doubt his addiction and behavior it spawns has pushed you in the corner and you've come out fighting to save yourself and your child .. If you are doing what you think is best for yourself and your sanity as well as for your child .. then your doing what is right.
Don't let him push or bully you into doing what he wants you to do for him and his happiness. Put yourself and your child first and foremost. Refuse to be controlled.
Thats what i say LOL
****{Hugs}}}
Passion
Don't let him push or bully you into doing what he wants you to do for him and his happiness. Put yourself and your child first and foremost. Refuse to be controlled.
Thats what i say LOL
****{Hugs}}}
Passion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 35
thankyou for your posts. I know that I am doing the right thing by putting us first. I don't want to treat AH badly and I feel guilt when I dont contact him. Most of the time I dread talking to him as I know that it is going to be hard work!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by jen960 
thankyou for your posts. I know that I am doing the right thing by putting us first. I don't want to treat AH badly and I feel guilt when I dont contact him. Most of the time I dread talking to him as I know that it is going to be hard work!
Then I learned to say "NO" to Mr. Nasty Guilt Monster!!!! A friend in my al-anon program asked me these questions, were my actions out of revenge, malicious intent, hate, anger OR were they out of self-care, self-love and self-protection?
If the later is the answer, then YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY about.
File an eviction notice and get Mr. Nasty Guilt Monster out of your head and remember it's ok to set healthy boundaries to take care of you. It is usually a little difficult to set a healthy boundary and worry about how that boundary is going to affect others. He's a grown man, he can be responsible for himself and his own feelings.
It's ok to take care of you.
This is what has been shared with me on guilt - hope it helps you as much as it has helped me -
Wishing You Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 35
Thank you for that! That really helps. I feel guilty for not talking to him but I dont want to call him as I would rather have a happy peaceful day than to be dragged repeatedly into his dark chaotic world. Sometimes I try to justify it by thinking of all the times his phone was off or not answering his phone when he was out up to no good and I couldnt reach him but I dont want to stoop to his level. It definately is taking care of myself and my own sanity not talking to him!
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