It is so wonderful reading these posts. For so long I felt alone. I felt like I was the only one who was obsessing over an AH and looking through things, staying away from friends, not inviting people over, being embarrassed when he was high. I made excuses for him when he was down. I know what it is like to feel almost like I wish he'd use because he was so cranky when he stopped. It all sneaks up on you. One day, he has a "little" problem. The next, you are driving yourself crazy. I really wondered if I was losing my mind. I didn't realize how much his ups and downs were affecting me. Listen to everyone here, they are really smart. One thing that has worked for me in the past, is keeping a journal. I've had some really bad breakups, and that helped. At first you feel like it is the end of the world, but eventually, slowly things get better. On the advice of people here, I also bought Beattie's book "Beyond Codependency." Keep reading here. It's a lifesaver.