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Old 01-30-2008, 12:57 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Selah
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
Thank you all so much. even today I felt much better until just now and we got into it...it's interesting how being this codependant you realize how much you give, and then neglect yourself and how little you get in return and although it was mine to give I am very angry, very bitter with him. He still does not understand that when I walk in the door and I smell pot or I look at his eyes swollen, and his talking iss funny or he falls asleep for hours on end, that I am afraid he is dead...that when I wash his clothes and see blood...I know how sick he has become at times. He has no idea how hard that is to view over and over and over. We just moved and have a 3rd roomate to cover rent, I could cover our portion myself..but taking that on knowing how devastated I will be, I'm just not sure I can do it...
I have been threw insane things when he was high, the things he has said about me to others, the other girls on his myspace....do you know the very first time I refused to see him when he was high he met another girl on myspace ( he's a muscian so they throw themselves at him like candy)(its so annoying :P) and spent time with her...he was all high complaining about me..she ended up using it to her advantage and kissed him. I am certain that's all that happened, this was one of the worst relapses I've seen him go through, and the fact that I had found out, and the embarassement he had for being part of it sent him even deeper. This girl first harassed me, then he gave her my email convincing her write me an email explaining nothing happened...ever, then actually invited her to a show WHERE I WAS ! this happened another time, with another girl - invited her to a show that his family, my family, and I were at...this girl and I eventually had arguement over email, I plead my case...begged her to leave him alone, he was sick, he was trying to leave for rehab, I was just trying to help, she didn't care, she wanted to take me out and she did. I didn't sleep for days, I was crying, he was sick and throwing up. I explained everything to her thinking she was like most people and had a heart. She didnt, during our arguement, she continued to call his phone, and in an open forum like this I listed her phone number. Apparently that's against the law, she sued me. Off to rehab he went, home I stayed, and off to court all alone to pay all the fees & fines. She had emails to her -- where he lied about the status of the r/ship, he claimed to be sober and not really like to party and that he was leaving me and I wouldn't give him up...how terribly helpless I felt. Already drained, I had never been so depressed. Only to rcve an email from girl #1 explaining what had truley happened b/w them, he did see her while high. So high he drove up on her parents curb, and then as he was coming down he sincerely apologized to her and explained he had made a terrible mistake. His rehab counselor said about me " that i need to learn to get over things, let go of the past, learn to supportive of him"
I mention all of this not to focus on him, but to put it out there, admit all that I've become, been part of, and allowed myself to do. I am so humiliated and ashamed.
It's like you go through so much, until you are at your lowest and then you're expected to make the toughest decisions, give up the love your life and accept that someone you love could do this to you.
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