oneeyeopen

Yup, here we are at the online weekend party time.....

got myself a movie and ice cream.

my nephew is visiting and guess what, he and my son went out and I know that kid likes to do drugs so now I am sitting here, for once not worrying about the abf but rather my nephew. I gave my kid strict instructions to call me if ANYTHING was pulled out and I would come and get them, no questions asked. I don't care if the kid has eaten ten tabs of acid, I want them back here and I will deal with it at home rather than being called in the middle of the night by a cop or an EMT.

SHOOT, you just can't get away from it. The abf is tucked away at his house, and now I got this kid in town....What ever happened to when I just worried about whether the kids were eating enough vegetables?

BUT what are you going to do???? you can't keep a couple of 17 year olds at home on a friday night....At any rate I can't. Curfew is at 11, I'll keep ya posted.

In the meantime, yup, got a good movie and ice cream.

cinderellawkids

Got a candle burning and wa little waterfall set up in the computer room now.

All is cozy and peaceful.

Pretty pathetic, I just scrolled through 73 pagges of people that went to my high school the years I did. I only knew 2.

cinderellawkids

I always think of him, he never thinks of me, yet says he does. That makes me angry

oneeyeopen

HA! I remember when I got my high school year book, senior year, and there were people I didn't even recognize out of a class of 350. and some of those kids had been in school with me for years!!! and that was while I was at school with them, now, over 20 years later, are you kidding, I went through my high school yearbook and didn't recognize anyone.

cmc

Hi cinderelly,
Well, you have had some very nice moments with him home and yet this keeps happening. I hope you can figure out what you need to do... I'm sorry he's out again. I know this isn't easy for you. Going to meetings will help you to live with whatever decision you need to make.
hugs,
cmc

BTW...I had some of that pizza the other nite and I never eat the desserts...but that cinnamon bread is sooo yummy, I had 3 pieces.

cinderellawkids

I was on my space and thought I might recognize someone, guess not, but all those people looked happy
I just want to be happy

oneeyeopen

Yeah, we do seem to think of the addicts a whole lot more than they think of us...

sunshinegirl

Hey I like that "online weekend party time"

oneeyeopen

I know how it is. Every time my abf goes out I feel like the whole bubble bursts again, that the fragile peace and trust that was starting to build is smashed again, and I look at "normal" couples and wonder why the abf and I can't just be like that....

But I have realized that I CAN NOT let that make my whole world fall apart. It was him that messed up his sobriety. I am still here, I am still intact, I will not let myself go down his drain.

Our happiness cannot be based on the behaviors of addicts, if we let that happen than our lives will just have NO JOY!

YUP, easier said than done. Easy for me at the moment, the abf is home again at his mom's house. You should have seen me on Tuesday night...the whole 9 yards, a real relapse, obsessive calling, crying in the middle of the night, tragic voice mails, etc.

sometimes i can step back, sometimes I can't.

cinderellawkids

You'll never catch them admitting it.
Just thinking, last Friday I tossed all his clothes on the front lawn of the other house because he took money from my account. He didnt ahve but 1 outfit until today, which is why he used the truck, to bring his stiff back, he did but he didnt bring the truck? Youd would think with the irony he'd get it.

cinderellawkids

Oneeye I know what you mena. So amny times I kept calm, didnt let it get to me. Not this time. Im angry. I drive him 30 minutes a way for work since he's suppose to save money for his class needed for his license and once again, no money left to put towards that and being chauffer is killing me, at first I liked his extra income, now I hardly feel it.

GRRRR

cinderellawkids

HMMM I wonder if I can control my kids enough to get there rooms clean?

sunshinegirl

online weekend party time !! I love it

cinderellawkids

I guess me being tired tonite is a good thing. I just hope I can sleep all night. I hate waking alone at 2 am and not able to go back to sleep. Thats when the anger really starts to set in.

Jewelz

((((Cind)))) I am sorry that this is happening again. Its hard for me to talk about it or give suggestions cause I am in a very familiar place as you. I guess is you have to stay strong for yourself and your kids thats what I am doing. I am also learning not to have any expectations of him... I am learning that when I dont expect something I am not as disapointed. I also hope you have a good nights sleep. And may tomorrow be a better and brighter day for you.

Hugs,
jewel

oneeyeopen

ugh, here I was worried about a couple of teenagers bugging me and the abf calls to wrangle for an hour about money he wants to "borrow" (note my thread about the angry bear). this means, I did not get to my dvd, which is a long movie (The Good Shepherd--over 2 1/2 hours) But, I do have last night's CSI taped so I think I will settle in with that, then the teens should be back and they get the dvd player to themselves and I get to beddy-bye.

I know, did the codie thing by letting him wrangle for an hour. I kept trying to change the subject but he kept taking it right back to him wanting this money and me not lending it to him (HELLO--I have to lend him money so that he can pay me back for some things and then use it to make a life together for us??? Now why do I have to put the money in his bank account for that??? typical addict logic.)

ENOUGH!!!!! onwards and upwards! To the TV I go...tra la la...(with a stop at the freezer for the hagen-daz on the way)(I guess the upwards part would be my weight...YIKES!)

oneeyeopen

ANGER, yes anger. Wouldn't it be nice if we could take our anger and turn it into something valuable...kind of like the alchemists who used to take lead and try to turn it into gold. Actually, I find that when I am angry I often write some really great stuff, which for someone who makes a vague attempt at being a writer sometimes, can help.

what can you think you could turn your anger into? How about exercising wildly? I once tried to get my daughter to go to kick-boxing classes, I figured it might help her to channel her anger into some sort of exercise as well as a self-defense skill.

Who out there has suggestions for what we can use our anger for that would be positive???

teke

well cinder, i'm just settling in, sorry that i'm so late on this. i am so sorry this is happening but you sure sound in good spirits right now, i guess, there's no need to worry yourself sick now, is it. you and the kids sound like you are doing ok and i'm glad. i pray that he finds his way soon.

kj0975

I am sorry your going through this again. One day you will realize enough is enough. I think though in the back of your head u were hoping he would do the right thing when u let him cash his own check but u knew what was really gonna happen. Then he will kiss up for a few days do everything u like act like a perfect husband perfect dad perfect fairly tail life. Its so hard I have been there and kept getting sucked in. U know u can make it on your own. Well u will know when its the right time and when your strong enough u will make it stick. (((hugs)))

Aysha

" Crack once again had more of an allure than I did."

I dont usually post here.. but those words shot strait through my heart. I dont know why because I have heard that from my grams time and time again. I guess it really takes affect when you are outside looking in. I have come back and forth to this thread all night just reading that sentence.
It took me reading that here to feel the true meaning of that which I have been told so many times before.
It makes me sad. Because I have done that to the one person in this world I would kill for so many times without getting it.
I am so sorry you have to feel that way. I am so sorry I had to be one of the people that has done that to someone as well.
I know you are hurting because of it but please know at least you made one addict finally feel what those words mean. And that is a good thing.
All I can say is you deserve better and you need to do for you and yours. You really made me look at myself and the affect I had on my loved ones when I was using.