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Who does this guy think he is to judge me?????

Old 03-30-2007, 07:36 AM
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Angry Who does this guy think he is to judge me?????

Morning folks!

I am here to let off little steam concerning that guy in my community group at church who has decided that he is going to do God's job and judge me as wrong for filing for divorce from AH. He is SO sticking his nose where it doesn't belong!

He had told a mutual friend that he wanted to talk to someone that can 'back up' my story about AH's drug use and abuse. (He has known AH on a personal level for only about SIX MONTHS; I guess being married to him for 25 years doesn't qualify me.....)

So anyway, he wanted to talk to my oldest son (25). I asked son and he said sure, I told the mutual friend to give this guy son's phone number.

If any of you read my post from last night, you know that AH is getting increasingly desperate and the situation is becoming dangerous. So what do you think Mr. Clean did? He went and asked AH for persmission to talk to our son about this situation!! Now if AH was a rational adult that would be the thing to do, but he is not. So AH goes to my son and jumps all over him for it.

I just cannot believe this guy is so dense! I am furious! I emailed him last night and told him exactly how it is and that he needs to get out of my business because he is putting me and my kids in danger.

I told him that he has no idea what he is dealing with here, he is clueless about what addiction is and does, and that he is making things much worse. I told him that if he continues to do the things he is doing that he is not the one who will pay the price, it will be me and the boys.

I also told him that he needed to rethink the opinion that he has the right to judge me for anything because he has no idea what I have been through in my life.

Geez............

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Old 03-30-2007, 07:45 AM
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no one no one can judge u and tell u what to do!!
u do what is best for you..and i pray for you
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Old 03-30-2007, 07:46 AM
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Ah, the well meaning Church Goers. I had to deal with them too... and my situation was much like yours. My A's anger and bad behavior was escalating and it was becoming a dangerous situation for my sons and for me. And then HE got the church involved.

I decided that I would continue on my path... and only talk about myself, my boundaries, etc when asked. When "they" said they were praying for me and my marriage, I always thanked them for their prayers. I said if you want something specific to pray for, pray for healing. THEY presumed I meant healing for the marriage. I meant personal healing for me and for my A, but not for US.

Some people just don't get it... and they don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I was pretty good at hiding our dysfunctional life, so it was no wonder they didn't know there were problems!

It's none of their business. Just keep on your path of recovery and healing... let the rest fall into place.

Hugs
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Old 03-30-2007, 07:46 AM
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Is this guy an elder or just a busy body? if not an elder bring the matter b4 the elders or other athority in ur church. cause ur right he has no clue
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Old 03-30-2007, 07:58 AM
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duet,

Hopefully this guy will contact you and you can further explain what you mean...you know, "say what you mean but don't say it mean."

You must remember, he's most likely what we call an "earth person", one of those out there who doesn't have addiction around him, or at least not up close and personal enough to where he's acknowledged it and gotten help to understand it. He just has absolutely no idea about the territory in which he is treading. He's outside of his hula hoop, as we say, most likely thinking he is helping.

Maybe direct him to Al Anon so he could learn to understand the disease of addiction and ask him to understand and give you the respect to deal with your situation as you see fit without outside "help".

Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Old 03-30-2007, 08:18 AM
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sorry that this is getting worse for you, since you say that you have already counseled with your pastor, and he understands addiction, if i had to talk to someone about this, maybe i would go back to the pastor and explain the situation to him, about this particular, person, and how his decision to help is putting you and your son in danger. i believe that you said that he was working in the ministry too, right? i agree with dragon.

after this, maybe you and your son, could maybe cut off contact for a while until this whole thing settles, like you said, it your life, no one has the right to dictate what you should or should not do or what is good for you to do. its none of his busness, and if ah wants to include him, then fine, just don't allow them to bring their opinions to you.

sorry but if this mutual friend is relaying all of these messages, maybe you can ask them to hold off for awhile too. what you don't know can't hurt. somethings are good to know but not all things. have you thought about the motive behind what this mutual friend is telling you and why? try to continue with your plans if thats what you choose to do, and if you want, you can change your mind latter. still praying for you.
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Old 03-30-2007, 08:20 AM
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If his buttinskiness (yep its a word, I made it up my own self) doesn't stop, I would also go to the pastor. Sometimes men only listen to men...

Perhaps another man he respects can get him to leave your splinter alone and mind the mote in his own eye (or something like that).
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Old 03-30-2007, 08:25 AM
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IMHO....I would email him, tell him because he is putting you and your children at risk, if he continues you will be forced to put out a restraining order against him...I'm sure that will make him think twice about sticking his nose where it doesn't belong.
NSW
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Old 03-30-2007, 08:33 AM
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I tend to give too much power away in these situations. Who cares what he thinks? If forced to comment on his involvement or opinions or desire for "proof" I'd say, "I'm not sure why he thinks this is his business."
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Old 03-30-2007, 08:48 AM
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Originally Posted by CatsPajamas View Post
I was pretty good at hiding our dysfunctional life, so it was no wonder they didn't know there were problems!
Me, too, Cat. Me, too. So good in fact that people like Mr. Clean look at my kids (the ones that God gave me the strength to raise BY MYSELF in this madness) and listen to AH quack and just can't believe things could have been so bad.

I think they should have an academy award ceremony for us codies! LOL!
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Old 03-30-2007, 08:50 AM
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Originally Posted by dragon76 View Post
Is this guy an elder or just a busy body? if not an elder bring the matter b4 the elders or other athority in ur church. cause ur right he has no clue
He is a community group leader, aka sunday school teacher. A rather self-righteous, arrogant one.

I called my pastor yesterday and told him what is going on. I have an appointment with him on Monday morning. I have been counseling with him since last November. He has a sister that has been a meth addict for years, and he completely understands what I am going through and supports me in it all the way.
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Old 03-30-2007, 08:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Hangin' In View Post
Maybe direct him to Al Anon so he could learn to understand the disease of addiction and ask him to understand and give you the respect to deal with your situation as you see fit without outside "help".
He has actually talked to a physcian friend of mine who not only works with addicts now, but is in recovery from a fentnyl (spelling?) addiction that almost cost him him license a few years back. Dr T has laid it out as bluntly as possible, but says that the guy just isn't listening.

I did ask him to call me and I did ask him to leave it alone. I just hope he will before he makes a real mess of things.
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Old 03-30-2007, 08:58 AM
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Originally Posted by teke View Post
sorry but if this mutual friend is relaying all of these messages, maybe you can ask them to hold off for awhile too. what you don't know can't hurt. somethings are good to know but not all things. have you thought about the motive behind what this mutual friend is telling you and why?
I talked to her first thing this morning and asked her not to talk about this with anyone else from this point. She does understand the abuse, and she does support the divorce. She had a sister that died of multiple organ failure from years of alcohol and drug abuse. I have begun to look at her motives; I think she is trying to rescue me in true codie fashion. But we are close enough that I can call her on it.
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Old 03-30-2007, 08:58 AM
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Originally Posted by WantsOut View Post
I tend to give too much power away in these situations. Who cares what he thinks? If forced to comment on his involvement or opinions or desire for "proof" I'd say, "I'm not sure why he thinks this is his business."
I didn't care until he involved my son and this turned dangerous. But I can't ignore it anymore.
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Old 03-30-2007, 09:01 AM
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Why is he trying to see if you r scriptualy free to file? i know thats what he is doin
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Old 03-30-2007, 09:02 AM
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Well...that's infuriating, for sure!

First off...If he finds the "much needed" proof necessary for his life to move on from yours, will it make a difference in whether or not you divorce AH? Church or no church member...it is none of his business. Just like if he liked to dress like a baby and drink from a bottle in the privacy of his own home...no matter how interesting that tid bit would be....it would still be none of your business. I know how the church feels about divorce but if the Lord is what the bible says and who we believe God to be....then I believe God would not want any of his children to live in misery, if it could be helped. I don't understand what difference will it make in his life if he verifies the information. Would they not allow you to go to that church if they deem the divorce unnecessary? Then would they live your life with addiction for you day in and day out?
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Old 03-30-2007, 09:28 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
well first off, getting into other people's business is NOT god's work for sure. nor is judging or condemning others. judge not, lest ye be judged...i think it goes????
Condemn not would be the better translation.
We should judge others. As we judge, we see where needs are and give support and counsel "in love" with understanding. As we see a need (judge) we help if able and pray.

Seems that guy missed a big part of the message along the way.
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Old 03-30-2007, 09:33 AM
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I think you are doing well by talking with your pastor.
Maybe the pastor can talk some sense into the knucklehead.
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Old 03-30-2007, 09:57 AM
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You know what's best for you. It sounds like you are taking control and I'm glad you have a place to vent here. Maybe Mr Clean will learn something before this is over - not a mean lesson, but a lesson in understanding others
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Old 03-30-2007, 09:59 AM
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Originally Posted by dragon76 View Post
Why is he trying to see if you r scriptualy free to file? i know thats what he is doin
I had never told him before that AH has been unfaithful. I just didn't think it was any of his business. Here is that paragraph from my very long email:

"I know that you think I was wrong to file for divorce; (friend) told me that you felt this way. You are entitled to your opinion, but you have no idea what I have lived with for 25 years, and you have no idea how abusive that (AH) can be, and still is being. You have no idea how hard it has been to hold my children and home together without falling apart myself. And you have no idea how many nights I have rocked my babies while I cried until my husband got home at daylight with makeup all over his clothes and reeking of someone else’s perfume. I am sorry that you choose to judge what I have done as ‘wrong’. With all due respect, I would ask you to consider if it is even your place to judge it at all."

SO he can put that in his pipe and smoke it! LOL!
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