cinderellawkids

Someone once told me, a few months into my marriage, the more you love him and hold on the more hate you will eventually feel. AT that moment I thought they were nuts.

Hate isnt something I ever feel towards anyone, not even sickos, so maybe the words were a bit strong for me.

But what I have found is with each bad occurrance a little piece of my feelings about our relationship breaks. We've been separated several times and I always fall back into the whole deal, but each time a little less with a little less involvement in his issues. Maybe one day Ill wake up and simply find there's nothing left, for today there is still hope.

kj0975

Wow Elana guess you got even with him. I know how you feel about him putting your life in jeapardy and wanting to get even, but there are serious long term effect this can have on him. I'm not defending him then again. What he did was wrong I agree but 2 wrongs dont make a right. Time will heal your broken heart and you will find someone else, this could haunt him for the rest of his life. I am a recovering addict I have done some pretty stupid stuff I feel bad for the things I have done. I'm just glad the people I hurt in the process could forgive and know somewhere deep inside that I am a good person who just got caught up in some bad things. I am sorry for you pain at some point you have to let go of the anger and stop trying to ruin his life. Your will go on and you will find happiness. maybe I am out of line as usual.

unsure of

I actually ended up moving 1200 mile away from anything that reminded me of us ( i don't recommond this) and i went back to school and started my entire life over.

but as they seem to do he managed to still be a part of my life even from 1400 mile away.

give yourself time it'll get easier. but worked the best for me is i wished him the best and always thought of him in a positive light. I convinced myself that he was better off with out me i and iwas better off without him. and to be honest with you at the time it was what was best for us as individuals. I even dated (11 first dates in three and a half months ~ very tiring & no second dates) i took time for myself to realize that i of course was not over him and i still loved him and until i got over him it won't be fair to anyone that i dated. believe me those guys never stacked up to my rabf. Sorry ot


good luck

Elana

I agree that vengence is not recovery, but this guy has been putting forth a facade of decency for YEARS. He has hurt a lot of people beyond me and he will continue to hurt people as long as he lives. He is the sort who would sell dope to a kid if it meant a profit and then go and laugh about it.

I really don't care if he has to face the consequences forever. If I have HIV I believe my consequences will be a lot more serious than his. If I don't have HIV well, so it goes. He made ihis choces. He is not a kid. He is over 50. He has a LIFETIME of complete lack of moral obligation.

I am not saying I am right. I am saying this is what I did and I have NO regrets. I don't even know if my behavior is Codie behavior. I do know I decided enough was enough. I was not going to lay down and take a kicking like all his other victims.

He is not a good person who got caught up in some bad things. He is a bad person who does bad things and has for many years.

kj0975

Well I hope you dont have HIV and I hope health wise your fine. My fiances mom died of AIDS one of the hardest things to watch in your life. I wouldnt wish it on my worse enemy. Well maybe he will learn his lesson but being forced to your bottom doesnt help.

loveon2legs

Hi everyone,
My AH and I have seperated a week ago, I know not that long, but something inside of me has changed.....We have broken up and back together, countless times, all because I think I was afraid to be alone, and not being able to make it.. emotionally, finacially, and the what if's....brought me calling him back each time.....well I have finally realized the good old lightbulb moment that things are not going anywhere, but downhilll, his first and only love his crack/cocaine,alcohol,porn and sex shops, he spiraled down fast..and I 'm just not willing to tolerate it anymore, I just want to start feeling good about myself, and not living in the negative world he was creating...Like lovestoomuch, the feelings for him were all but gone, I didn't have that glimmer of hope anymore, I did at one time, but not now...I just remind myself of what real is , and not what I wanted them to be...

I wish you all the courage and strength.....

love...

GiveLove

All of the above worked for me. I had to remember the damage that had been done, refocus my attention on other things and people that I loved, and stop the useless self-pitying romantic fantasies in their tracks whenever they started up in my head. I kept a rubber band around my wrist for that purpose, no kiddin'. All of that was just me, wanting to squoosh him into being what *I* needed him to be, what he was never going to be, sober or not sober.

I also had to try very hard to remember that my life is about more than being in a romantic relationship. That's a part of life (sometimes); that's NOT my whole life. I feel as though god put me here for a reason, and I suddenly had time to try to figure out what that reason was, and work on it.

Peace and strength to you, to build a beautiful and happy life for yourself.
Love,
GL

Lithloren

Caughinthemid,

My Thank You icon is still not working, but I wanted to Thank You for that index card tip. My Ex-ABF, I guess I should say my Ex-RABF and I have been talking and I have been mentally reminding myself of what it was like. Index cards would help so I don't "accidently forget" certain situations.

Besides, I need them for my fourth step that I need to do again!

Lithloren

kj0975

I'm sure this will sound weird but I actually kept a purse calendar it was like a diary and everyday I would write down what we did or how he acted. When we broke up there were plenty of rememinders for me on why it was for the best but still hurt. I like the index cards too.

THANKS EVERYONE your suggestions are great keep'em coming.

caughtinthemid

Lithloren, my thank you button is still broke too! I am glad that helped you. I don't remember who recommended it to me, but it sure did help.

Kj, sounds like you are doing something very similar.

Whatever it takes to keep us keepin' on.................

patchoulli

Elana I know how you feel. Keith is dying in the hospital, full blown liver failure, kidney failure, left side brain stroke[massive], and the ventilator was turned off yeaterday[he is still breathing]. His girls and their mom are staying here with me. His ex wife told me that he has a history of hepatitis C...The hospital comfirmed it...I have been with this idiot for almost 4 years. I am sooo angry..After he passes, I will focus on me[should only be a day or two]. I wanna be there for his girls, they are suffering sooo much

Elana

Hi Patch. sorry you are going through all of this. I am thankful my X never Fatehred any children I know of. He did actually Father one but he made sure GF aborted it.

I am angry but as time goes on I cannot stay on that anger "high" and it fades into sadness. The sadness is differnt tho.. it is not sadness for him (he can go **** himself) but for me and for losing what I thought was the greatest thing I had ever had.. a relationship with this guy and shared interests. A future where both people are looking in the same direction.. I morn that IDEA. I would not even do that but his drug use came out as he was moving out so I was truly blind sided. I would never have allowed him near me if I had known that.

If I had known that he was an active drug addict, I would have tossed his sorry butt out of my life at the get go.

CollateralDamij

Hi All,

I haven't posted for a very long time, but I still read and still need the postings here to help me.

I did divorce my AH; it was final in October. He had spent the year on the couch in the TV room and I had continued to enable his not doing anything to help himself. I took him to doctors and psychiatrists to try and help him with his depression and immobilization, but then he took off again. That was the straw that dialed the lawyer's number to begin divorce proceedings. Then, like another poster on this thread, he came back and I allowed him to wallow in the TV room. Then the divorce became final and I took a mortgage and bought his half of the house. It was the only way I could think of to get him out. Having a depressed person not leave your couch for a year, not bathe, not comunicate with anyone else etc etc could drive you CRAZY. Plus i was actually concerning myself with making sure I bought the foods he liked to eat. I would even bring him a takeout if I went out to eat. Sick, man, sick. Plus it was costing me a lot of $ for the copays and the meds and the food.
So it was a relief when he left.

But of course, after he left he relapsed really badly, and now he is at his mother's house, on her sofa. So of course I start with the guilt.

He has created such a big mess for himself that it seems impossible that his life will ever be even remotely normal again. He is physically and mentally broken down.

So, I have to stay away from sad songs, like others here. I found myself filtering my memories so the bad things seemed to dissolve in a mist of good memories. I now stop that filter mechanism.

Honestly, I wanted him out of the house for a long long time, and I don't want him back, but my soft side feels for him. I guess that's human after 16 years together.

I do see a really nice guy who is healthy and a breath of fresh air. That really helps because it keeps me in the present and helps me move forward. I guess God sent me what I needed in order to help sever the emotional umbilical cord.

Peace to all here who suffer the plague that is addiction, and I wish you all strength, courage and calm.

CD