About to Break

Old 03-08-2007, 09:04 AM
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About to Break

Since we are all feeling honest today and spilling our guts - I need to release some things off my chest as well.

I have so many things going on that I don't know if I can take much more. I have always been someone who takes life's punches and gets back up. Well honestly, I am tired!

I found out in December that my father has stage 4 cancer. This was about a week before the blow-up with cah. My father is getting progressively worse and I know that it is just a matter of time but I refuse to spend the last days with him falling apart so I push down my fear and hide my feelings when he is around. He has spent the last three days at my house. I am the youngest of five and since he resides in another area but comes here for treatment, he stays with each of us for a few days. Let me say that I have the best dad. Things weren't perfect growing up, but he spent time with us. Every weekend went camping, horseback riding, boating or something. For this I am thankful and I feel truly blessed to have experienced this type of relationship.

Fast forward - My cah is ten years my junior and very nice looking. He was a fulltime student at a technical college and I was the only one working. He comes from a wealthy family who has financially contributed our household to help while he is in school. Almost a year ago I noticed in one of his notebooks a drawing of a penis with an arrow pointing to his with the words "j's friend". May be TMI but this was a private joke between he and I so I was furious! He told me there was some girl in his class who he shared a book with and they were just joking around! She was on dialysis and was dying and was not a threat to me he said! OK whatever. He promised to speak with her and tell her not to do this again. I told him that as a married man he should have done that when it happened!

The last February I found out he was doing pills. Found an ounce of week in his car - which cause a big fight and he hit me. I kicked him out but eventually let him come back.

Fast forward - Pill use got progressively worse to help his back pain for which he was seeing a Dr. for and had a procedure scheduled that should take care of everything. He promised - no more use after that. Got the phone bill that month and noticed a number that appeared anywhere from two - four times every weekday. Never on weekends. Called the number when I approached him at first he lied - didn't know this person. Then admitted it was a female classmate that he got pills from and sometimes got them from her. OK - now I am furious! I am a nice looking intelligent women I don't have to take this crap. So I call this girls house and got her husband. Spilled the beans and she got on the phone and swore the calls were all related to pills. Still don't know if I believe this or not. She continued on about how she hoped this had not presented a problem in our marriage and she would be praying for us. I am throwing up by now!!

Then came the night that he went to get pills and someone had crack so he smoked it for the first time in almost three years. The same day he asked if he needed to pickup my father from the hospital. Next day I asked him to leave that I justed couldn't deal with all of this with everything else going on with my father. He got mad pulled a knife and said "I am going to mess you up". Long story short I have a restraining order and we go to court Monday. He went to rehab for 21 days got out went straight to the dealers house and back to rehab for another week.

I am feeling so overwhelmed right now and know that I am losing my father and feel that husband is blowing smoke about he has new tools - will get better - wants to come home.

My family want me to go to court Monday when the 50-b continuation request will be heard as well as the assault charges. The expect me to walk in there and give it all I have so he will pay dearly.

All of my dreams are falling apart, losing my dad, pressure from siblings, very mentally stressful job. Two year old w. cah and another child from previous marriage. Every day I have to be strong for them and I just can't take much more! Just pray for me. While writing and remembering all this, it has helped me to know why I have him out of my life.

I don't want to hear that I should go out. Did that once and spent the weekend feeling guilty because I blew it out and that is NOT who I am. Do have a fried with a Harley that has invited me to ride with him on the 17th, but I have some reservations. He is just a friend and knows my situations but I don't want to send the message to anyone that I am anywhere near ready to be mingling! And if cah ever found out or saw me out not sure what he would do and never want to put another human in harms way.

Sorry so long - just need some encouragement.
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Old 03-08-2007, 09:17 AM
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sending prayers up for you,your husband & your father. i am sorry all of this is on you with your dad so sick.hugs,hope
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Old 03-08-2007, 09:23 AM
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I'm so sorry that you're feeling overwhelmed. That's a lot to have on your plate. The best thing you can do, IMO, is to talk about how you feel, just as you're doing now.

Do you have any face to face support, or help to care with your father?
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Old 03-08-2007, 09:30 AM
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sorry that you are having so much to deal with right, now and i'm so so sorry to hear about your father. you sound so overwhelmed, maybe it would help if you could just step back and breathe for a minute, try to collect your thougts, make a list putting first thing first.

in my opinion, maybe its time to focus more on you and what you want your life to be like, while focusing on your time with your dad.

as far as court, try not to allow others opinion to control what you want. your family probably just want the best for you but only you know what is best for you. i do think that i would be honest at court, just tell what happened and let the chips fall where they may. i've had to do that many times, and it always worked out just the way it was suppose to. whatever happens, i pray that your ah learned a valuable lesson behind all of this.
i think that you did good by reporting the abuse. you have to decide for yourself on this one, in my opinion.

as for as the friend goes, i found it easier and less confusing for me to focus more on things that i like and want to do, rather than what anyone else think that i should do. you are right you are married, be true to yourself and keep your side of the street clean, to me, would be a better option.

while my rah was away, it gave me more freedom to deal with my own emotions, actions and reactions. i took the time to get to know what was making me tick. didn't need to add anything else for me to be confused about.
keeping you and your family in my prayer, a special prayer goes out for your dad.
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Old 03-08-2007, 09:53 AM
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My prayers go out to you .... that is alot to deal with for sure.

First of all I would have to agree, even with male "friends" it is probably best to just not go there... It is one thing to see your friend in a social setting and a whole different thing to spend the time alone. I find that Im too vunerable during times like that and even when I have the best intentions.... some comforting arms will lead me in the wrong direction every time.

When my father was dying I just put everything else possible on the back burner.... that time is not replaceable... enjoy that time sweetie... As far as you AH... well let him prove it. Actions speak louder then words. By telling him the stress you are under, what your boundries are.... if he is not willing to respect your need for space... that will tell you alot. I also feel your siblings just want the best for you, but when I go into a situation with the thought of "making them pay" it usually backfires on me.... Just keep yourself and children safe hon.
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Old 03-08-2007, 10:01 AM
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You definitley have a full plate. My heart goes out to you and prayers for your father. I wish I had more to say...had some advice to give....but it seems like you are doing all that you can. You are in my thoughts.
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Old 03-08-2007, 10:18 AM
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Dear LiveToRide: I'm right here with you on the "don't know if I can take much more. My AS is in late stages of alcoholism - doesn't care about anything - got his car repossessed two weeks ago, is now on foot and asking weekly for rides to here and there... another story. Yesterday we found out my mom has breast cancer - diagnosis confirmed - we just don't know what kind yet or what treatment she will receive. My aunt, here sister is going in today to have a suspicious place in her breast check out. My dad died in November of last year and the thought of losing my mom and possibly my son is weighing heavy on me. I know the Lord never gives us more than we can handle, but man.... it really gets tough thinking about all this stuff. I totally understand where you are coming from - just remember the Lord is always there, and that someone always has it worse than you.
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Old 03-08-2007, 11:00 AM
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You do indeed have alot on your plate.
A good while back, I was caring for my dying Mom.
I too thought I would break. My ex (now) was busy having an affair, I was pregnant with my third child, the other two being 2 and 3.
I wish I could tell you how I got through it but I truely don't know...I just did.
I don't remember having the choice not to.
I do however remember placing time spent with my Mom first.
My ex, and his games and the heartbreak and the rest had to wait until another day...I had limited time with my Mom.
Live, no one could handle all of this at once. Try seperating the urgent from the rest and just concentrat on little pieces at a time.
Our HPs somehow find ways for us to pull it all together and come out the onther end in one piece.
And take a moment to take care of you...not going out, nothing fancy, just a rest for a weary heart.
You're worth it
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Old 03-08-2007, 01:35 PM
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i just wanted you to know i know how you feel - my dad died of throat cancer a few years ago and it was about 1 year from the time he found out about it til the time he died - it sucked - but the last few days of his life we were in florida with him - he was getting ready to go to IL and die i guess - but we were making plans - not dwelling on his death - it helped to talk about the future - not the distant future but the *tomorrow lets go to the one part of the beach and play cards* - he died knowing he had plane reservations to see everyone he hadn't seen in a while - he didn't make it but he had plans...

i can't help with the cah (i'm assuming cocain addicted husband?) but i'm dealing with the crack addicted sister and her boyfriend - i have physical custody of her 2 and 4 year old - in almost 3 weeks she has never called - we jsut filed a missing person report and have since learned she and lil guys dad are holed up in a sybaris - hmmmm.... and to think i'm cleaning up puke filled down comforters and picking up feathers (3 kids with the flu!!!) - i just wish she were gone you know? - it sucks but it would be easier to explain to her kids she died than *mom and dad are in a hotel with their crack pipe - i'm sure they'll call - so i'm sorry you have to deal with the court crap - addicts suck like that don't they?...

i just want you to know that i hope tomorrow is easier - my mom called as i was putting more crap in the dryer and said *i wish you were closer i would come for an hour or so so you could get away* - i told her i didn't need to get away for an hour i just needed to tell someone that it really sucks and have that someone not freak out that i';m on the verge of a braekdown just really pissed off - so i'm pissed off right there with you...

and if you feel like going out with someone to relax or whatever - *to thine own self be true* - go for it - you deserve it - you really do...

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Old 03-08-2007, 02:08 PM
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I have always been someone who takes life's punches and gets back up. Well honestly, I am tired!
I think that any one of us could have written that before we got here.

Trying to carry the world on our shoulders is a pretty common trait many of us share....along with a few others. I usually have some control issues in my life, mixed in with some anger stuff and sprinkled with a big handful of perfectionism.... stirred to nearly madness... and there you have me. One Done Alanon.

My life is better today. But what got ME better was attending a face to face group. Alanon is what worked for me, but Naranon and CODA are also very good groups for our issues.

I hope you get the opportunity to try some face to face meetings, to read the sticky posts at the top of the forum, and to read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Together, these make for a pretty good recipe for living a more enjoyable life.


Welcome to SR.
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Old 03-08-2007, 02:57 PM
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Thanks to everyone for your replies. Today has just been extra hard, but I even though its hard being a single parent I do find comfort with the simple interactions with my kids after work!

There are no meetings in my area, except one, that start before 8pm and with the kids that just doesn't work. But that one is tonight at 7pm and I am going!

As I understand, it is a 12 step program and similar to NarAnon and Alanon but is called Families Anonymous. Although I have been going to see a counselor I think this will boost my stabilty! I hope anyway! Thanks all!
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Old 03-08-2007, 03:06 PM
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sounds goos to me, alanon and narnon is based on the 12 steps. hope you enjoy your meeting
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Old 03-08-2007, 04:04 PM
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Glad to hear you are going to get some face to face support.
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Old 03-08-2007, 04:23 PM
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LIve2Ride, sorry you are having such a rough time. THat is a lot to deal with! Just take it one minute at a time if you have to and know that SOMEDAY everything will smooth out. Life is ever-changing and impermanent. Go in peace as best you can.
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Old 03-08-2007, 04:51 PM
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I don't know why life has to be so hard sometimes. I am going through some very hard times emotionally too.
Thank heaven I can post away here and get it all out.
I do hope everything works out for you in court and with your husband.
You're really doing great too, not allowing your father to have to see you stressed out with him being so sick.
Lean on your HP.
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Old 03-08-2007, 05:01 PM
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I'm so sorry you are facing all that at one time. I lost my father last August after a year-long battle with cancer, and my AH also picked this particular time to nose-dive into his addiction.

I had to put dealing with AH on the back burner, like Cynay said, and I don't regret it at all. I spent my dad's last days with him, and he never knew that AH had relapsed and wasn't doing all the things he had promised my dad he would do.

I'm glad you have some support, and I know it will help you a lot. Let us know how the meeting goes.

Praying for you!


It took me about 6 months after losing dad to deal with my marriage, but the time was crucial in planning and reflection.
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