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loosing one self

Old 01-27-2005, 08:34 AM
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Gracey
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loosing one self

Do you know what is really hard for me...............loosing people out of my life............I have been on this site now for nine months....................I consider the people on here that I have met to be my closest friends.......(I am sorry if that sounds pathetic or sad).........but I live to far from my family and all the friends that I have had here..........I have ran off......

I wish I could meet some of you in person and go to lunch, to the movies........I come to this site and I have laughed and I have cried, I have been angry and happy and sad............I have learned so much about me..........and that has been a great gift..............

I think I understand why I need to go to more f2f meetings.............I still havent gotten a phone number.........I havent made any friends there..............why do I desire friendship so badly..............is it because I need them to make me feel whole.........

I need some friends in my life................I want a healthy friendship
 
Old 01-27-2005, 08:39 AM
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you haven't ran off anyone gracey! we do need to reach out - we tend to isolate ourselves and that's part of the healing process. i have friends but like you i have not called anyone on my al-anon list yet except 1 person.

i too wish i could get together with the folks i have met here - we all desire friendship - there is nothing wrong with needing friends to make us feel whole - that should be a part of the package - a well-rounded, healthy relationship with others.

hugs - chris
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Old 01-27-2005, 08:43 AM
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I should clarify I didnt mean on this site, I have ran anyone off..........I mean f2f friends.......

Thanks cwohio......maybe this is another part of my healing process.
 
Old 01-27-2005, 08:55 AM
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I am all over the place today, my emotions...........I cant keep up with myself.............
 
Old 01-27-2005, 09:06 AM
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Gracey

I think that before we get into recovery, we do tend to islolate ourselves. I know I have. And I allowed my ex to isolate me even further. I am now living in a cottage n a farm with one neighbour. I know very few people here. However, I am moving back to my home town in 2 months and will be back with my family and old friends.

Addiction makes us all very lonely.

(((hugs)))

Minnie
xxx
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Old 01-27-2005, 09:24 AM
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Gracey,

This one's for you my dear. I've thought at times that I need to make more friends or better friends or more reliable friends. But I also know that folks do the best they know how to and if I want more friends I have to extend myself.

Take it easy on yourself today. All things have their own timeline for progress.

Peace,
Petunia

************************************************** **********
To have someone who brings out the colors of life and whose very presence offers tranquility and contentment enriches my being and makes me grateful for the opportunity to share.
--Kathleen Tierney Crilly


Loneliness and isolation are familiar states to most of us. We often protected our insecurities by hiding out, believing that we'd survive if others didn't know who we really were. But we discovered that our insecurities multiplied. The remedy is people--talking to people, exposing our insecurities to them, risking, risking, risking.

Sharing our mutual vulnerabilities helps us see how fully alike we are. Our most hated shortcoming is not unique, and that brings relief. It's so easy to feel utterly shamed in isolation. Hearing another woman say "I understand. I struggle with jealousy too," lifts the shame, the dread, the burden of silence. The program has taught us that secrets make us sick, and the longer we protect them, the greater are our struggles.

The program promises fulfillment, serenity, achievement when we willingly share our lives. Each day we can lighten our burdens and help another lighten hers, too.

I will be alert today to the needs of others. I will risk sharing. I will be a purveyor of tranquility.
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Old 01-27-2005, 09:31 AM
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I know I really don't like to be around people that don't understand what I'm going through. I come here and read and feel like I have great friends that understand exactly what I'm dealing with.

Thanks guys!!!

Mindi
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Old 01-27-2005, 09:32 AM
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I have lost a lot of people in my life. I don't know if it was my AH behavior or me protecting my humility by avoiding them. I think BOTH after I just wrote it. Well now that my AH has gone to prison my family and friends are making contact with me, inviting me over, wanting to go out. I don't know if they are just worried about me and it will pass or I can resume these relationships. My emotions and thoughts are also all over the place. You put it into great words "I can't keep up with myself" Every hour is a new thought or reality. It is very scary to feel this way, kind of out of control. I guess we need to keep the thoughts flowing.
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Old 01-27-2005, 09:36 AM
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oh my word....................thank you Petunia............WOW this hit home so much..........I feel closer to my friends here..........because they have excepted me for me...........I am honest here.........i am myself, I have no secrets..(well maybe a couple).....I am not scared here............this is my safe place........will I feel better if I tell my last couple of secrets.
 
Old 01-27-2005, 09:41 AM
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I'm right with you guys... I've lost so many friends.. .many were mutual between AH & myself & most of those have left because of AH's behaviors. but I find myself distancing myself from others. Don't know why but sometimes I fear that they will discover my "secret" (AH) & judge me for staying with him. Yes this did happen last year - I was told by a 'friend' that if I stayed with AH I deserved all the grief he dished out to me - actually that was the toned down version of the conversation - I cried for hours...) I have work friends but I feel like I'm such a hypocrite... they see one version of me & at home I'm a totally different person. I wouldn't want to let any of them into my personal life for that reason alone...
Hugs all around!
Christine
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Old 01-27-2005, 09:43 AM
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Friends...wow. I still, somehow, still have friends after this relationship with my addict. I always know how I'm feeling about my life when I try to figure out the last time I've spoken to my friends. If things are good, I talk to them every couple days. If not, weeks, months, even years. It's terrible how the isolation feels. I know I cause a lot of it myself, but I do know that when I can't see it in myself, I just need to look to my relationships. I think a large part of my isolation is from feeling embarrassed by my addicts behavior. I hate that my friends and family hate him. It makes me feel like an idiot for loving him. Then I think there's something wrong with me. Then I think I'm not strong enough to change, and so on and so on. I snowball out of control. Anyway, friendships are important and I couldn't agree more with about this site. I've tried numerous times to find someone to talk to and I feel at home here. People are generally helpful and good-spirited and I appreciate the honesty and feeling of true compassion. Thank you all.
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Old 01-27-2005, 09:49 AM
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I can really relate to this thread. I have lost so many friendships because of my AH. Most of the friends and family are angry for staying with them and they simply don't understand how or why I would. I have two daughters from a previous marriage that absolutely HATE their step-father (my AH). So my family is really upset that I have stayed with him and in their opinion have subjected my daughter to his behaviour. So many other friends have just "faded away". I kicked him out of the house on 12/13/04 but he was back a week later (I found out that he was having an affair which is why I kicked him out) and so I think that many of my friends/family gave up on me when I let him come back home. I do have a couple of REALLY good friends that I know will stick with me regardless of my decisions....and this board has been an enourmous help. Only those living with the problem of alcoholism can understand the affects. It still amazes me after all of these years just how much of an affect it has on so many relationships. I HATE THIS DISEASE AND ALL OF THE LOVES THAT IT RUINS!!! Thanks for letting me vent!~
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Old 01-27-2005, 09:58 AM
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I am not blaming my H anymore at all for me isolating myself, I have chosen to isolate myself........I have chosen to not be happy..........

I think that all of my friendships have been unhealthy and that is something that I am happy that I have seen...........none of them have known the real me..........only the part of me that I would show them..........I was to afraid to give my opinion, or to make suggestions.......I always went along with everyone else..........even at work........I am afraid to give my opinion about certain things...........because of someone getting mad at me or talking about me, because my suggestion was stupid, or the complete opposite of what everyone else would have suggested.........so I just shut my mouth most of the time.
 
Old 01-27-2005, 10:00 AM
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it is okay to be me..........and have my own opinion and no one has to like it or agree to it.........agree to disagree............but that friend isnt going to go away if they are truely your friend just because of differences of opinions.........right????
 
Old 01-27-2005, 10:09 AM
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I agree with you Gracey. I think that some of my friends "went away" because they were tired of seeing me and my kids hurting. They got tired of hearing me complain and do nothing about it.
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Old 01-27-2005, 10:12 AM
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When we leave the world of the dead "alcoholism", sorrowfully, we lose contact with the outside world. My thought on this might be that they weren't friends afterall. Merely acquaintances. A friend would stand by you, hug and support you and extend the hand of love at times of need. So, after reading everyone's posts, I realize I've never really had any friends since I've met my husband over 30 years ago. It's been so long, I don't know if I would know how to recognize the signs of true friendship.

It would make my heart glad to know that I had even 1 friend. A true friend.

I pray that everyone could be blessed with that 1 true friend.

Blessings, Kathy
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Old 01-27-2005, 10:44 AM
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time, things come in time............I have hurt so many people by being a people pleaser and not really coming out and saying what is on my mind.............whether it be no, or stating my opinion, or being to tired...........I have also played a huge role in loosing alot of friendships...............I wasnt honest..............with them...............I was doing things for them for my own selfish reasons...........I was expecting something in return............their friendship................I need to start doing things from my heart.........because I want to, and it is also okay to say no and take care of me............

That friendship will come one day................but first and foremost, I need to be true to myself, so I can be true to others...........I need to love myself, so I can love others............I need to let go of resentments...............

No what guys, I think i am finally ready for the balloons........................
 
Old 01-27-2005, 11:22 AM
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Gracey,

Your post reminds me of something that I have shared here - a piece of advice that has benefited me greatly. Here goes...

I've heard it said that "Friendship" is the gift we give ourselves. Much live forgiveness. But if we give a gift with the intention of getting back something (love, friendship, acceptance, companionship) then it isn't a gift, it is a bribe.

I am enjoying myself more when I get together with my friends. I think some of it is b/c I am less (note I didn't say not) worried about what they think, or how I sound, or what I did that might not have been acceptable.

Example, a little more than a month ago I was at the shoe store and I met a woman there. She asked my opinion about a pair of shoes. I asked her what she did for a living to figure out if the shoes seemed to "work" for her job. She told me that she was a counselor at one of the universities. I just liked her. I thought she was interesting and was glad that I spoke to her. She was brave enough to ask if I might like to meet for lunch at some point and gave me her card. We exchanged some email (sounds like a courtship doesn't it!) and we made arrangements for lunch. The day I met her I was an obsessing lunatic - things with my family had me all wound up - and I was in serious need of some mental help. I blabbered on and on about these crazy folks, but the only person who looked crazy was me! We made tentative plans to get together again in another few weeks.

Afterward I was sooo embarassed. I completely replayed the entire lunch in my head. I analyzed if from every angle and rethought of all the things I said, should have said, wished I hadn't said. I was sure she thought I was crazy. I left her 2 voice mail messages and then started the self-doubt all over again. Well we finally chatted and she didn't mention a thing about it, i.e. me being crazy. And we made plans to go to lunch. We did, just recently, and it was so much fun. I was less crazy, more relaxed and we had a wonderful lunch. But it was still hard, b/c the "old" me with all the self-doubt still lives in the cupboard under the stairs in my head and comes out when things are stressful.

What I learned is that it is not going to be perfect. No relationship is, but we each have something that the other person likes and enjoys so we share that for a few hours and build up some new energy. Sometimes I am nervous to meet folks, even those I know well, but I have yet to regret the time spent with them. Sometimes I just need a shove in the right direction.

Now we're going to try and get our spouse introduced and see how they get along. It's just another day, and it doesn't have to be perfect.

Peace,
Petunia
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Old 01-27-2005, 11:36 AM
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Gracey
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That is me petunia.............I am that crazy person.........one of the balloons I am going to let go of...........is caring what people think about me.....................
 
Old 01-27-2005, 01:19 PM
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Gracey
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Well, this is a new year.............this is January and one of my goals was to find a new counselor for just me.........

No more marriage counseling, I found a new counselor and I made my appointment for next Tuesday...............
 

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