StephEgan

Yep you are right - he is a liar!! He is in the phase of repentance and I do believe he is taking injust enough to seem happy and fine at the moment for sure! I know he bought vodka on Friday, we all drank on Saturday and found that water bottle yesterday - so yes he's for sure drinking just enough to feel ok right now and is lying about it at times.

Re the tolerance history - we used to party a lot when we were younger and he could drink a lot - I wasn't paying attentionas i was also drinking but I think backthen he could put back a 26er andsome beers which I thought was excessive. Over the years I nagged him to stop drinking so much hard liquor at get togethers so I tihnk that's why he initially started sneaking it and it just got worse and worse from there. Over the past year, I did not think he was drinking really at all. He had mostly cut it out because we thought it exacerbated his health issue - so I think he did manage some months of only a few beers and then fell off the wagon in secret for many months and also was hiding it for the previous year quite a lot looking back at what was going on at the time - so I have no idea what his high tolerance means now. Last Saturday, before I went to bed he had maybe 6 ounces of rum and however many beers - no idea! And then the next day I saw he also had had like 10 or 12 ounces out of the golf bag vodka. He doesn't get messy drunk very often at all.

trailmix

Well, he seems to be pretty good at this, he has been at it for quite some time, so that's not surprising really. Sloppy drunk is different for everyone I suppose, but you mentioned slurring, passing out on the sofa - maybe for him that is maximum.

I suppose in an ideal world he would quit drinking today, seek help and try to be this good guy all the time? I suppose that could happen, seems really unlikely based on his behaviour.

You know the other day when he bought the vodka and you found the receipt. How did he pay for that? Cash? I don't know about you but I so rarely pay cash for anything it would be remarkable.

velma929

Just popping in to say: people who only drink beer can be alcoholics, too. Late AH drank only beer, eight or ten or twelve 12-ounce cans a day.

StephEgan

Oh yes for sure they can! My aunt drinks 20 beers a day! He does not drinkg an alarming amount of beer at all - the alarming aspects of this are all the secret vodka drinking.

StephEgan

I guess time will tell - it is reallyhard to keep resolve in this situation for sure! But I do know he needs help and he isn't seeking that help. I also know I need to be able to hold my resolve with the evidence I've found so far, as it is unlikely I will keep finding evidence like this. I wasn't even really looking except the mile drive to the accident scene. The receipt was sitting on my daughter's dresser when i was tidying. There was also a receipt for vodka from july on a monday at lunch - a 40. I think he paid with a card for the recent mickey because the receipt from July specifically said the cash and change, whereas the one last Fri didn't - so it was a card and it wasn't our card because only I have a card for the bank account in Canada so far. So he must be pulling from his account in the UK.

dbyrer

You are learning a hard fact: Addicts lie. I hope you will be able to detach from him and his disease's harmful effects on you and your child. You can not help him. He has to help himself.

StephEgan

It is just all so difficult to come to terms with - and Ikeep thinking - maybe I am wrong maybe I am over reacting about all of this. I can't get that clarity back - each time I find evidence I feel clear then he comes home seems normal and I doubt myself. That's my issue and I guess it is common for the family members to minimise the issue and also live in denial!

sage1969

This is the hard part. We want so hard to believe it is not happening. We want so hard for it not to be happening. How can someone who says they love us do this? And the sad but hard answers are that the addiction, the alcohol, is everything. The push back from family and friends that it's not so bad, that is a reflection on how normalised alcoholism has become in our society.

You will have to set all of that aside, and focus on what is healthy for you and your daughter. Consult with your attorney, get your plans in place, and don't let others who tell you "it's not so bad" deter you from doing what you need to do. The saddest truth is that alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will all continue to get worse. (My deceased AH totaled two vehicles in one month, both of them mine). Ask any of us. We've seen it, lived it.

StephEgan

I'm sorry you lived through that You are right - alcoholism is normalised in our society!!

i just spoke to my therapist - I really like my therapist. I have spoken to him only 4 or 5 times over the past 1.5 yrs but he referred to notes about whta I had said a year ago and was ready to leave him then! He said basically, I have to go now that he is a danger to my child, my emotional health and my property. He made it clear that blowing under made no difference - which is what I knew was true - he's a maniac and his dangerous driving was the cause of this no matter what he tries to say - he's a danger to us - I keep thinking what if my child was in that car?! She'd be ****** she's already very sick and fragile - whiplash is VERY bad for a chil dlike her with EDS.

Initially I had my husband email him for therapy because heis a man and also his rates are reasonable - that was before I realised how bad this was and how actually I needed to speak to him. At any rate, my therapist said today he refused to see my husband becaues heknew right away what was up and refuses to try to give therapy to liars. I said so you knew right away this was a tick box exercise to try to please me and he said yes and that he can't tell when these people are lying or not so there's no point offering his energy to them. Intuitively, I already knew this to be true because it is not normal for him to refuse to speak to someone if he has a slot available in 3 wks he would normally give it to you!

StephEgan

I talked through some options with him and his thinking, along with me, is to get the in laws on side, if at all possible. I will email the MIL with this new information and some links to show what his "illness" was was actually moderate withdrawal and see if I can get them onside. First, i will need to have "the talk" with my husband and tell him that our marriage is over and that he is a danger to our child and that he has to move out and seek treatment in order to see our child. Then the HOPE of all hopes is that his parents will help him figure out a treatment plan of action when they are here for those 2 weeks and don't turn on me, but we shall see. It is time to reveal all we know - I will tell him I found that vodka water bottle and the receipt from an hour before our conversationand thta I know he is STILL lying and I am done. Just a matter of when - my therapist said to do it right away but my parents are going away this weekend - so not sure when to do t his. I think on a Friday would be good so he has the weekend to calm down and not screw up his job!

sage1969

It would be a conflict of interest for your therapist to see both you and your husband as clients, just as it would be for your attorney to represent both of you. Make certain that for any professionals you retain, accountants, medical providers, etc that you use different professionals.

Whatever day / time you choose to confront your husband, make certain you stay safe. If it would be safer in front of your parents, wait and set it up then. Make certain you have a safety plan in place. I can tell you from personal experience that this is the most dangerous time for women and children, when they decide to leave a potentially violent situation. I understand your concerns about why your husband needs to keep working and the residency issues, but your primary concern now is not when is this convenient for him but when is it safe for you.

trailmix

Then again that leaves you spending the weekend with him in a bad mood? Him using his UK card to pay for alcohol is interesting, just more deceit. But anyway, why would the receipt end up in your Daughter's room?

Maybe he's just getting sloppy (that happens).

You might find this other member's posts helpful, FWN. While her story differs from yours in details, the attempts to give him "another chance" as the chances unfold might help you:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=9131910

StephEgan

OK - the lawyer said make sure our child is not here and that he doesn't know where she is. She only has 2 places to go here though - her BFF or my uncle 30 mins away which would require preplanning. He doesn't have a car to go get her anyway though. He is highly likely to make holes in my parents' walls when I do this that's for sure! He hasn't done that for years but has come close. I'll speak to my parents tonight about how to go about this but I know they won't support me doing it until I hear back fro mthe lawyer - they are so worried about the money I could lose from the sponsoring but then if he stays here, he could have me lose my money with bad accidents and legal fees!

StephEgan

Sloppy yes (or divine intervention because me seeing that really played a big part in this final decision) - he sleeps in her room and she sleeps with me. She hangs out in her room, then comes to the big bed to sleep and he sleeps in there. He emptied his pockets out and dumped the stuff onto her dresser - it was next to a tissue and he didn't notice it! ( as an aside why do people dump the **** out of their pockets out onto a dresser?! why not the garbage?)

I'll have a look thanks.

trailmix

Good question!!

StephEgan

link is not working for some reason ...

trailmix

Yes, that's not very helpful is it lol

This is her profile page:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/members/fwn.html

Once there, click on the Statistics tab and you can choose View all Threads Started by

sage1969

If you think he is likely to be violent, punch holes in walls, etc, have a witness there (perhaps other than your parents) and be prepared to call law enforcement. Document everything, and even if you don't want to, press charges if he assaults anyone or damages property. You may need to be able to stay somewhere else he doesn't know about / put a restraining order in place / have him stay somewhere else. Visitation needs to be supervised especially if there is a risk he could act out in front of your daughter. You really need to speak with your attorney and put some contingency plans into place.

Ugly but true -- if you don't take these steps and something happens, it could be brought up later during the divorce that you did not press charges, you let him back in the house, etc, and it could affect both the divorce and custody.

StephEgan

I just picked him up from work - on a job they were close to the place our car is so he stopped and picked up his stupid golf bag. I checked when he was inthe shower and another little lie from Sunday - he said he had takenwith him 1 beer and 2 of those low alcohol 0.5% beers. I thought this was odd since what we have here are bud zero with ZERO alcohol in them. So in the bag, there is a miller genuine draft and a bud zero - so yet more holes in the story because he was supposed to have taken 3 cans with him and drank them. Who knows what he took ontop of that vodkain the water bottle! I'm not doing crazy stalking just had to check that bag - the vodka pocket stinks of booze but all bottles are now gone. Wonder where he disposed of them - there was a 40 in the recycle bin but that was it.

StephEgan

OK thank you. So if he acts out aggressively and it is just at objects and no in front of my child, and I don't call the cops, it could impact custody?! Seems weird!!! my lawyer did not mention anything like that.