SparkleKitty

Why wasn’t he asking himself how to fix this before it came to this?

The addiction will always push the addict to do whatever they can to maintain the status quo—as long as it doesn’t threaten the addiction or involve actual change.

The answers to his problems lie within himself. As long as he continues looking to you tell him what to do, there will never be any change.

trailmix

I'm glad you walked away from it. Perhaps it might be best if you avoided speaking to him for a day or two so everyone can get their thoughts together, including him.

StephEgan

He was still lying - I told him then my parents left and we had a chat alone. I really pushed him - I told him " I know you bought vodka on Friday just an hour before our big chat" - he denied it then claimed he could not remember. I reminded him of Friday - I said you went to my uncle's house to pick up our duaghter's candles ( she had a candle makng day earlier that week) then presumeably you went to the LCBO, then you came into the drivway and I asked you to go get the pizza I had ordered which you did, then we sat on the sunporch eating andhaving a big conversation when you said you wouldn't drink in secret anymore, then I put our daughter to bed and came out and we continued our chat then we went to bed. Suddenly he remember actually yes he did buy that vodka (after I told him I have the receipt) and that actuall yyes he did drink part of it in the driveway before he came into the house and the rest when I was putting our daughter to bed.

I decided to tell him about the water bottle at the scene of the crash - he denied it - I said statistically, what do you think the chances are of you having a crash, then someone driving by between8pm when you left and 8am when I went back and throwing an empty water bottle, same brand as we have, right into the scene of the accident, which stinks of booze, right after me finding out you drink in secret. He admitted that they were likely close to zero. Then he claimed maybe it was a water bottle in his car from another day - I said so other times you did put booze into a water bottle then? He said "once or twice" - I was in our car on Saturday and searched it - there was not waterbottle in it on Saturday! So he is still lying.

StephEgan

I agree totally - he was saking what he could do - I said you need to go sort yourself out get yourself under control deal with you abusive behaviour your problem drinking and do it while you are not living withus. The issue is he is in a **** situation with money etc because of our big move here but I did get quite upset at one point and cried in front of everyone and almost screamed "eveyrone feels bad for you - you ar ethe one who has lied to me nonstop for years, deceived me, emotinally abused me and our daughter - I am the victim here not you" and went outside. He said yes yes Iwas right and not to feel bad for hi mand it is all his fault.

StephEgan

I pushed for a good few mins - saying things like "why can you not remember Friday? It was only a few days ago why is it so hard to remember? Do you go drink vodka in the drivway so frequently that it's difficult to recall if you did it on Friday or not?"then I said "whether you drink ever day or not this is an issue - normal people don't drink vodka in the garagesecretly, normal people dont chug vodka back in the driveway after work an dlie about it normal people don't yell at their wife to **** off and throw plates of curry across the room".

velma929

"My dad I can tell he's really upset I am doing this. He doesn't get it."

You mentioned an aunt who drinks 20 beers a day...and he doesn't get it? Is he oblivious? I'm gobsmacked.

StephEgan

My husbandis so nice and friendly charming giving to everyone they are struggling to understand what we have been put through. And you see him so sad and you just see that nice side of him and feel horrible - it's just human emotion. I go with my brain though - I feel that emotion and I am worried but I know this is what I need to do in my brainso that's what I go with.

sage1969

He is doing whatever he thinks he has to in order for you to allow him to maintain the status quo: he drinks and behaves however he wants.

If you don't want to continue to live this way, then be firm.

StephEgan

Yes agreed and I am firm! I have emotions around it - I am sad and I will grieve - but this is the right thing to do. He needs to go home and get support to recover now. He will first need to hit rock bottom and I guess I am about to witness that - or some of it.

StephEgan

She does that openly - when it's been hidden it takes a while to come to terms with the information. My brother is also up set wanting me to give him "mercy". Againthough he doesn't understand the magnitude of the situation.

Thank you all so much for your supportive messages over this period - my goodness it has been a whirlwind and you ladies have truly been a lifeline!!!

trailmix

Well, as upsetting as I'm sure this all was and hard to do, at least that is over. It will probably be very tense for a little while, until you can get him to leave.

It would be great if he could get himself out of this mess but as that's unlikely, how likely is it that his parents might help him out? Hopefully they have the means to do so if it's needed. Not sure where the money in his UK account has come from, but maybe his parents have been contributing unbeknownst to you.

You did well Steph, this is always messy, it's just the way it is, but you stood your ground and said what you had to say.

StephEgan

that's step 2 - I figured this is so complex,I need to take it in stages. I found it impossible to plan stage 2 when I had not yet implented stage1. Now my plan is to get his parents to truly understand what is going on here and take him home. They are actually coming here in 2 wks for a 2 wk vacation so I hope to get his mother to see sense when she is here and not turn against me. It is definitely a possibility and yes they could take him home with them. They aren't rich but they have some cash and a spare room in a beautiful home in the Scottish hills.

trailmix

Yes, no doubt a good idea to break it down like that.

Are his parents staying with you? If so, that could really complicate things. Just a thought but perhaps sooner rather than later might help in this situation. How much will they enjoy this holiday under the circumstances? Perhaps they would decide the money was better spent bringing him to Scotland than having a vacation there right now.

StephEgan

I'm going to give him a few days to have a chance to tell them himself and then I will send an email also with some links to information. They want to see my daughter - my daughter misses her Gran terribly - when I told her Gran was coming she broke down in tears of joy so Gran needs to come!!!