StephEgan

This is super long - I just sat here hammering it out for an hour now - I hope someone can relate?! I don't think I'm sleeping tonight.It is Wednesday night on a beautiful September evening – today was the first day of virtual school for DD and tonight we went to watch the local PPC candidate speak in someone’s backyard. It is also 8 days since I walked into the garage and caught my husband of 11 years drinking straight vodka out of the bottle – well I actually caught him putting the vodka back into the golf bag. I saw just something red, and I knew it had to be Smirnoff – I said “what are you doing what is that” and he was like “nothing what do you mean?”. So I just walked over to the golf bag and pulled out the bottle – about ¼ empty, then notice more bottles underneath! So many bottles I could barely fit this 40 ouncer back into the bag and actually removed an empty 26er and put it deep into the outside garbage – I really don’t need to have to tell my parents any of this immediately before I understand more of what on earth is going on. Another day when checking the bag, I counted the then 2/3 empty 40, an empty 40 and 3 other empty 26ers other than the one I had chucked. How long did it take him to consume this stuff – I wonder that but I’ll never know because clearly, he is a liar!



When it sinks in that I’ve definitely caught him this time, he sits down on the ground outside and looks heartbroken and begins to cry saying “I’ll tell you everything” and “I’m so glad you know and it’s over”. At this point in our marriage, I don’t react to the crying the way maybe other wives would (not that he really cries ever at all, just that I’m sick of his ********) – you know … by comforting him or offering any sort of support whatsoever! He has been mistreating us for YEARS by now and I’ve largely detached myself from him emotionally. He sat out there all evening – I brought him a sausage on a bun so he wouldn’t starve and left him there. I stayed inside with my parents and my daughter just acting totally normal – I’ve got a lot of practice with this now!



One little thing I guess is missing – the prequel for me catching him in the garage – he’s home from work 2 hours early which is very abnormal so he decides to put together my new steel shelf for my home canned goods. He isn’t all bad after all – he does have good qualities and loves me and wants to help me for the most part. Anyway, he’s clearly tired as he has really terrible insomnia and has done for nearly 2 years now, along with his other health issues that come and go. So he is losing his patience very quickly into this process as per usual and I tell him just leave it – we’ll do it another time if he’s tired no worries. He insists on doing it – I head out to get DD at her friend’s place and stop to grab a few groceries and return home 45 mins later. My dad greets me at the door ( we live in my parents’ house for future reference of reading and have been here for 2 years – they just arrived back in the country about 3 weeks ago and are getting acquainted with the new AH! You know, the one who can’t even hold it together in front of others now!). Anyway, my dad greets me at the door and says “you shouldn’t have given him that shelf to do after work – he’s too tired he’s losing it” or words to that effect. I say I didn’t – he picked it up from Canadian Tire for me as I ordered it online. So I guess when I was gone, his impatience was enough that my parents went and sat upstairs in their room the entire time – he was swearing nonstop as usual, getting angry at the shelf and if I know him, tossing pieces of the shelf around as well. So I go and make him stop putting the shelf together – I have my ways to deal with him now of course. But as he’s about to give in, the shelf falls down and makes a big noise, and because of the past hours performance, my dad makes the reasonable assumption that he has chucked it all down and says “oh come on Garry we’re all trying to live together here what are you doing” which was perfectly reasonable – so AH goes “fuck off FIL” to my freaking dad – my 70 yo dad who has done nothing but supported us emotionally and financially for the past 2 yrs, plus helped us greatly the previous years dealing with DD’s illness! So after that AH quickly apologises without even a moment’s notice for any of this to sink in, and my dad says “well I’m not happy about it SIL” and then AH storms into the garage and slams the door. I left him out there a while before I walked out and caught him so he had probably had quite a few swigs by then but who knows. Was he drunk putting the shelf together or did he drink after losing his temper? Not sure and never will know.



So that was 8 days ago – I basically just tried to put it out of my mind for the most part – I did send him a big email the following day with 4 or 5 demands around seeing the doctor for a drug for depression and getting treatment for his psoriasis and admitting he has a mental health issue and speaking to a therapist. He did not respond so the other day, I told him that if he isn’t responding then he had better be thinking about how he was going to support himself because I am not living like this. I find out he had not even read the entire email!! In the email, I also demanded that he not chug vodka in the garage on the night of our family party celebrating GG’s life – I checked the next day and he had drank about 10 ounces out of it but it was ok because he hadn’t read the email. He was saying this morning via Whatsap that it really wasn’t as big a deal as I was making it out to be – of course denial and minimising. I was also minimising and today, it has sunken in and I feel clarity around it. My marriage is over – there is no coming back from this. My life is about to change drastically.



You see, I have spent the past 2 years researching to try to understand what terrible health condition my husband was suffering from, on top of my working and caring for my daughter who is nearly 10 now and who has been suffering from a terrible health condition from birth I think but really badly since she was 5 and bedbound by 6! So, I do have a lot of spare time and energy on my hands to research fake health conditions! He has been angry, irritable and impatient for a decade now and I have emails from 2016 that I sent about this it was so bad at the time. I was nearing divorce, or so I thought, 2 years before DD got sick – then I started my own business and focused on that as a hobby and did more traveling etc and forgot about the marriage issue. A year into that, Mia got so sick I had to stop and eventually I had to go off on longterm sick and then quit my government job and quickly move her to Canada to save her from the system over there that wanted to disable and remove her. I recall the night I convinced Garry to let me take her to Canada – it was to save her but partially, it was to save me. I knew our marriage was doomed and that the first step to ending it was getting Mia and I safely to Canada. I wasn’t about to get stuck over there with her unable to leave the UK and potentially having her removed from us – that possibility was actually very likely by the end. Anyway, I knew he would never see reason so I faked a mini breakdown that night – I started to cry and cry and hyperventilate and have a little breakdown about needing to take Mia to Canada. I knew I had to take her, but I wasn’t on the verge of any breakdown or anything and I knew the only way to get him to agree was for him to be able to save a damsel in distress – so I faked it! It worked and I got her safely to Canada 2 days later.



So now we have been here for 2 years and DD’s health is up and down but the doctors are supportive and there are no risks of losing her here. I feel safe in that regard for the first time in years. Meanwhile, AH is spiralling out of control with his anger. When I was working last winter, for 3 months I was at work 3 part days a week and DD became so depressed she wanted to cut herself with sissors and knives – that is how bad it was for her to be stuck home with him. I have been home with her for 4 months now and she is emotionally much more stable – no talk of cutting herself although she can get a little bit tearful sometimes but that isn’t abnormal. This is how bad this man is to be around! Why have I stayed with him all of these years? Out of duty basically – but now that I see he has been lying to me for 10 years and that his illness all along was booze and he could have saved me 2 yrs of wasted research and money and all of the lies he spun to hide this even in the freaking hospital?! He is a seasoned liar – I’ve always told him I thought he was a liar because he lies to his parents on the phone each Sunday – just tells them what they want to hear basically and lies about how he is fine.



I have never in my life felt so betrayed as I do right now. Nor so ******* idiotic and stupid as to believe this man’s lies for 10 years! We were so in love when we were younger – we had a bright future in front of us as a family. Both of us had good jobs and we had a nice house then a beautiful baby but of coruse she was sick and that did n’t help him, but I think the real root of his issue is his childhood. I won’t bother to get into that but this stems from much much further back – I cannot help him to fix this and he will continue to lie to us and scream at us and lose his temper and maybe his health impacts will be irreversible now – who knows?! I will never again believe a word he says and our marriage is over. I just realised that an hour ago and sat and typed this out very quickly. Perhaps another little chapter for the book I keep saying I will write!

StephEgan

I realised i put our names in this - can this one be deleted? I put a fresh one in without our names.

trailmix

Wow Steph, that's a lot to go through. You are strong and you and your little one will be just fine. In fact I think you will find life will be so much easier once he has left your home. I'm so glad you have your parents with you to lend support.

You know that evening he swore at your Dad. I read that in your earlier thread and found it shocking, well I read it just now again and again find it shocking, honest to god, who says that to their Father in Law - or in fact anyone!

Yes last week he was crying the garage and now he is all very - you are making too much of this. That is also a common form of denial with addiction. He may have actually felt relieved that it was out in the open, for about 10 minutes, who knows. But you can't lay it all out there and say I'm so ashamed and then keep drinking, that's the hook and that's where the back peddling begins. He is obviously not ready to quit.

But regardless you are done and while I'm sure it's painful, it also must be a relief to have made the decision to get out of this.

trailmix

Wow Steph, that's a lot to go through. You are strong and you and your little one will be just fine. In fact I think you will find life will be so much easier once he has left your home. I'm so glad you have your parents with you to lend support.

You know that evening he swore at your Dad. I read that in your earlier thread and found it shocking, well I read it just now again and again find it shocking, honest to god, who says that to their Father in Law - or in fact anyone!

Yes last week he was crying the garage and now he is all very - you are making too much of this. That is also a common form of denial with addiction. He may have actually felt relieved that it was out in the open, for about 10 minutes, who knows. But you can't lay it all out there and say I'm so ashamed and then keep drinking, that's the hook and that's where the back peddling begins. He is obviously not ready to quit.

But regardless you are done and while I'm sure it's painful, it also must be a relief to have made the decision to get out of this.

StephEgan

I don't think he had anything to drink today or yesterday but that is besides the point. I actually don't even care if he never has another drop from here forward - what he did the past 10 years if unforgiveable and I see that with more clarity than I have ever seen anything in my life. God or the Universe decided to show me this at this difficult time in history for some reason and I am listening and watching with eyes wide open. I am done with this lying abusive man for good! I only wonder why it took me so long to see this.

Dee74

I think I removed the right post and then merged the threads StephEgan

Dee
Administrator
SR

StephEgan

Thanks I managed to remove a few names lol!

StephEgan

I added this in this morning as I hadn't really explained how much I was doing to try to get to the bottom of his major illness!

Well it isn't a fake condition, but it was a known condition. Yesterday, I researched every single one of his debilitating symptoms plus every abnormality in his blood work, and literally everything can be due to alcoholism!!! He knew this the entire time - I think he was detoxing and going through withdrawal over and over again really sick in bed, puking, really terrible tremor in his hands and face, off balance, seeming drunk when he was sober - he would be slurring his speech his eyes all glazed over and swaying like he was on a boat at times too and I'd say to him you seem like you are drunk when you are not drinking - you must have a neurological disorder or else a major liver issue. I took him to neurologists, I emailed back and forth with liver specialists and had a primary care doctor order all of the tests required to see if he needed a referral. I ordered genetic tests thinking he had haemacromatosis as his ferritin was so high. Also, his platlets were low which was worrying me and he had other things slightly off combined with his symptoms, weight loss and what seemed to be delerium or something plus some sort of cerebellum issue affecting his balance and coordination. We paid for a sleep study at the hospital for him because he was struggling with severe insomnia and with passing out during the day when he was supposed to be taking care of our daughter. I put A LOT of time, effort and money into trying to figure out what was wrong with him and he was not a willing participant, refusing to see doctors and refusing to try any sort of treatments or therapies. So now I see, he didn't want these tests because he knew what his issue was all along!

SparkleKitty

You're beginning to see the power of Denial, the twin sibling of Addiction. It can be the strongest force in the universe when someone isn't ready or willing to acknowledge the consequences their addiction is having on their life and those around them. Maybe it's time to hand the responsiblity for those consequences back to him for good.

sage1969

There's a fine line between helping a spouse with their health challenges and codependency. Your situation reminds me of the one I experienced with my deceased AH: he did have some severe health issues. I did my best to facilitate appointments. It was like taking care of a recalcitrant 3 year old.

What I realised, then released, after he passed, was that he neglected his health issues because they were a result of his addictions and it was a passive way for him to hasten his death (he completed suicide, so in the end it wasn't passive / fast enough for him to neglect himself). At that time I was very naive about mental health, addiction, codependency, all of it, and I've had to educate myself. I did learn that it would have been easier and safer for me to let go of all the enabling behaviors. Rather than set all the appointments and *do* so much, it would have been safer for me to let him manage his own affairs (and I use the word "safer" because he did injure me several times) -- if I'd listened when he said he wanted to leave instead of insisting I had his back, perhaps things would have been different for me.

You've been processing a lot these last few days, and that is what I've found helpful about SR, both the support from others as well as the journaling. I can see this has been a shocking and painful process for you.

I mainly want to point out the difference between facilitating and advocating care for your ill child, and for your adult husband. He is an adult and should be setting his own appointments, taking care of his own health. And now you know why he hasn't been -- he's an alcoholic. There's a lot you didn't know about because he hid it from you. But at some point, when you are ready, perhaps you should learn more about codependency and enabling behaviors. This will help you heal from this awful experience, if you learn about your part of this relationship and why you are feeling the emotions you are feeling.

StephEgan

Yes this man is like another petulant child - I have said so for years! I took care of him and tried to get him to appointments because I thought that was my "duty" to help him out - I thought he was too sick and confused to do it himself. I've officially stopped all of it now that I know what has really been going on, but I will research more on codependence to be sure. I'm also starting to speak to my therapist next week about all of this.

I'm really worried my AH may kill himself - I'm very concerned about what he's going to do and how he's going to deal with this news when he finally realises that he is losing his family, but there is nothing I can do about it. I am going to speak to a lawyer before I take any next steps and try to do this as calmly and nicely as I can, but at the end of the day, this is going to destroy him and will be VERY difficult for me and my daughter too. It is shocking and painful that's for sure

StephEgan

Yes you are right and that is what I am going to do. I'll likely need to speak to his parents about all of this - I just found out they booked flights to come here in a few weeks! I know he won't tell them the truth of any of this and I can't have them coming here and staying with me for 2 weeks, because I know they will hate and blame ME, at least initially. I need to figure out what to do next and how to do it as rationally and lovingly as possible. I'm really worried for him but there's nothing I can do to help him. If he has that severe of a detox reaction, then he must be drinking A LOT!!! I keep going over in my head all of the incidents where I thought he was having some sort of neurological issue with slurred speech and making little sense - many times it was during the day on the weekends. I thought it could also be the exhaustion from the insomnia as often, after the slurs and glazed eyes, he'd pass out - I guess all of those times he was drunk?! Many times he was in sole care of our daughter - often at the river! This is all just devastating.

StephEgan

I did send him a quick email yesterday with a few links saying this:

Looks like all of your health issues including the psoriasis, are due to this booze DH! You need to get help and I cannot help you. You need AA and you need a doctor to help you detox from this
https://www.the-alcoholism-guide.org...lcoholism.html
https://www.originsrecovery.com/time...ol-withdrawal/
I can't help you with this - you need professional help. This is dangerous - and DD and I can't be exposed to you coming down from this - this is worse than I thought and worse than you are willing to admit.

The issues in your bloods - low platelets high ferritin etc etc all due to the booze!!! You have a requisition for more bloods - I am willing to print it off for you but that is it. You need to take control of your own health and body or else I am just enabling you to continue down this path. Your anger and violence all due to the booze - be it secretly drunk or hungover or just deep shame for having lied to your wife for a decade. This all fits and I see it clearly now and I cannot help you with this. This is on you - you need to deal with this and quickly. First you need to admit it is a big issue and decide you want to fix it - that's all on you. You cannot do it yourself though you need professional help for this - I've been researching all day. Those really bad episodes you used to have fit exactly withdrawal or just effects of longterm alcohol abuse! This type of withdrawal can cause seizures or kill you!

He didn't respond and that's the last we've spoken. My plan is to try to keep the peace in the house while speaking to him as little as possible until I get legal advice on how to separate. I need custody of our daughter, so I must move carefully and skillfully now and keep my emotions well under control then I'll need to help my daughter get through this. I'm strong as nails after what I've lived through, but this is going to be really hard.

StephEgan

I wonder if this is what his severe "flares" were - nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, sweating but also goosebumps, really severe tremor, high blood pressure, tachycardia at times but not always, dizziness and sometimes vertigo ..used to last 4 days but more recent ones were less severe and lastsd a day or 2. ... https://americanaddictioncenters.org...-and-treatment

sage1969

These are all symptoms that I saw my XABF go through until he was able to start drinking again in the morning. I never realised how advanced the alcoholism was because we never lived together; I went away with him for a weekend and that was when I saw all these symptoms you've listed along with the first time he'd said unkind things to me. Once he had that first drink in the morning, the symptoms subsided and he was back to his pleasant self, and conveniently had forgotten snapping at me. (I cringe to think now about what he must be like at work every day -- definitely not the kind person I knew, but I'd never seen him without a beer in hand until that weekend away).

trailmix

You might find these articles interesting: http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/Addiction_Lies_Rel.html
.
Addiction means always having to say you are sorry - and finally, when being sorry is no longer good enough for others who have been repeatedly hurt by the addiction, addiction often means being sorry all alone.

Addiction is often said to be a disease of denial - but it is also a disease of regret. When the addictive process has lasted long enough and penetrated deeply enough into the life and mind of the addict, the empty space left by the losses caused by progressive, destructive addiction is filled up with regrets, if-onlys and could-have-beens. In early addiction the addict tends to live in the future; in middle and late addiction he begins to dwell more and more in the past. And it is usually an unhappy, bitterly regretted past.

StephEgan

Thank you I will have a read. This is really hard and I haven't even told him it's over yet. My daugnter is struggling with mental health due to her chronic illness - I'm not sure how much more of their issues I can take. I have to hold it all together and it is really very difficult.

StephEgan

Scary I think usually it takes a few days to get to that point, according to what I have been reading.... this is just awful.

StephEgan

Found another 40 of vodka in a different pocket of his golf bag - about 3 inches in the bottom of it. I think he probably had it elsewhere and moved it to the golfbag when my parents got home as they are all over the house now and in the room he used to be in. That or he brought it back from the trailer...I'll check the trailer tomorrow. Struggling with sadness this evening - he's home from work and seems so normal and I just wish he could stay like this He has no idea what I'm about to unleash on him and I'm so worried about him.

sage1969

You are going about this in a thoughtful way. You can be kind, but in the end in the throes of his addiction, he will hear what he hears and that is on him. All of this is on him, he is the one doing the drinking.